SacMomsClub.com

Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 9, and Whitney 8): Well, this is it Jen.

 

Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 6, Caleb 3, and Abigail 12 weeks): Oh no! What did I forget now?

 

Kelli: Well first of all, you’re still wearing your Hooter Hider even though Abigail’s been done eating and is back in her carrier.

 

What I’m talking about is our last column! It’s been a year already of reflections and tips on everything from “The Horrors of Potty Training” to the “Public vs. Private” school debate.

Jen: Wow. Time flies. I didn’t even know I was having a third child when this column started!

 
Kelli: And now since being on maternity leave with Abigail you’ve stepped out of the dual-career mom role and have gotten a taste of the SAHM life. Is it all you fantasized about it being?

 
Jen: You know, the whole grass-is-greener thing has really come into play for me. Going on three months home with the kids has given me a big appreciation for what you do.

 

Kelli: Are you saying you were just humoring me all this time?

 

Jen: No! I just thought it would be so much better on the other side. I guess you could say you make it look easier and like you're having fun all the time.

 

Kelli: Did you fall for the whole Martha Stuart, Betty Crocker, June Cleaver all rolled into one fantasy of being at home with the kids?

Jen: I’m afraid I did.

Kelli: Don’t let me or anyone else fool you Jen - it’s all an illusion. Need I remind you, Martha Stuart ended up in jail.

 

Jen: I know, but I just pictured myself having time to have freshly made, all organic home cooked dinners, the kids all dressed in perfect unstained clothes, with me being thrilled to do all of this.
 
Kelli: I still refer to the early years as The Groundhog Days of parenting – because of that movie with Bill Murray where he keeps waking up and reliving the same day over and over. The first reality check I got when I stepped into my fantasy of staying home with the kids was thinking I would suddenly have all this time to accomplish things.

 

I thought I’d be making my own baby food, cooking bread from scratch, serving new recipes every night. I thought I’d finally have time to keep my house up, get to those photo albums, sit in the park all day and watch my kids play.

 

But, like any fantasy, what you visualize when you’re longing to be in that other world and the reality of it never matches up.

 

Jen: The time thing is huge. It's not that there’s any different amount the time - I just use it differently. I don't feel so much that I have to accomplish something on a certain day so my To Do List remains just as long.

 

Working gave me structure. For everything to get accomplished in the two worlds of work and home I really had to stick to a tight schedule. I miss that. I find at home since I don’t have defined structure, I don’t get as much done.

 

Kelli: Well, I see my DCM friends always looking nice in their work clothes while I’m usually in work-out gear of some sort (hoping if I get in it, I’ll find the time), hearing about their accomplishments and income they’re generating and I mourn that I thought I would be doing that too.

 

Before I had kids I was certain I was going to be able to master both worlds, but the reality for me was I had to pick one or the other to be good at. I chose family and many days I feel like I’m not good at that either.

Jen: I believe the key to being happy in the world you’ve chosen for yourself is to be realistic. You have to come to peace with your choice. The fantasy is just that – it’s not reality. You’re not over there eating bon bons and being a domestic goddess and I’m not over here being Super Mom juggling it all.

Kelli: Right. There’s no such thing as perfection. It’s just what’s perfect for your family.

Jen: I’ve found you’ll be happier if you live with your choices and decisions you make. It won’t be perfect, it won’t be the same choice that someone else would make, but it has to fit with what your family needs and most importantly, you need to be comfortable with it.

 

Kelli: I’ve also found no matter if you're working or staying at home, to find happiness and make it all work you have to decide what’s important to you and make time for it. If you stick to what’s important and let the rest fall to a lower priority, there is peace to be found there.

 

Jen: Right now in order to stay sane I need to remember the days are long but the years are short. 

Kelli: And I need to remember that my contributions may not be quantified with a paycheck and recognition but it is no less valuable.

Jen: Exactly. Your appreciation may not show up in some plaque or gold retirement watch, but you will get it. That is, unless Logan signs a huge baseball contract at age 18 and buys you a house. Then you'll really feel appreciated!

Kelli: Well, Jen, I’ve certainly been grateful for this experience of working from home doing this column. Parenthood is a constantly evolving journey and in this last year I’m appreciative for what life and experiences has taught us, what our kids have taught us, and what our readers have shared to enlighten us.

 

Jen: It’s been a great collaboration, hearing from other moms and being able to share more freely. There’s no new ideas or experiences out there but a lot of BTDT moms (Been There Done That) who can provide commiseration, validation and guidance.

 

Kelli: That right there is the reality we should all count on. The community of parenthood and being there for one another on this journey.

 

Jen: Right. I think we have both learned that you can never really tell what life has in store for you - meaning, you should enjoy each portion of your life and take pleasure even in those kicking and screaming moments. And, don't be afraid to ask for help or advice from those other moms around you.  

 

Kelli: Or hesitate to help another mom out when she needs it!

 

Thanks to all of the wonderful virtual readers who have followed us on SacMomsClub for the last year. We are taking a summer hiatus from the column. It has truly been an awesome (and award-winning) experience.

 

 

Kelli Wheeler is a Sacramento stay-at-home mom of two grateful for all the readers who have made her feel like her motherhood experience has value. 

 

Jen Hall is a Sacramento dual-career mom of three who is often asked how she does it all. The reality is that I have a great support system of family, friends, and a wonderful husband who makes it all possible.

 

Keeping it Real Tips List

1. Be realistic. You’re just not going to be able to do it all and be it all. Make peace with it and focus on what you are doing right.
2. Accept help. It really does take a village to raise a child. Don’t try to shoulder it all or be hesitant to ask for help. Behind every great parent is friends, family, teachers, neighbors, and others in the community.
3. Take the bad with the good. Some days are going to be great and many will be tough. Some days will be memorable, others you’ll want to forget. It is the sum of all parts that make parenthood an amazing journey.
4. Perfection is an illusion. Just pull back the curtain now and get it over with – there is no Oz and Martha Stuart went to jail. You can strive to look perfect for others, but wouldn’t you rather put that energy into living a life that’s perfect for your family?
5. Choose what’s important. The secret to getting things done is making time for what’s important to you and your family. Know what you and your family need to be happy and fulfilled and focus on those important values. Everything else can wait.
6. Let the little things go. Pick your battles and decide what is worth fighting for.
7. Plan ahead. If you go back to work after having a child, or re-enter the workforce, be realistic about what you can and can't commit to. Try sending your children to daycare the week before you go back to give you all a chance to adjust to the new routine. Don't overcommit.
8. Listen to the BTDT (Been There Done That) moms. Yes, you should listen to those who've been there before you (even your mother-in-law) because their advice is grounded in hard-earned experience. But, follow your instincts and don't be afraid to ignore advice that just doesn't fit in with what your family is trying to do.
9. Routines Rock. People may make fun of you for sticking to a schedule, but often times that is what keeps the family boat afloat. Scheduling makes life a lot easier when you have little ones and lets them know what to expect.
10. Don’t give up on the fantasy. Without dreams there would be nothing to strive for. If it is truly important to you and a key to unlocking happiness, keep working at it and find a way to make it happen.