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Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 6, Caleb 3, and Abigail 7 weeks): I had a great Mother’s Day this year! And, I got what I wanted the most!
Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 9, and Whitney 8): You got something shiny and sparkly?
Jen: Not exactly - even better. I got a few hours of time to myself.
Kelli: Nice! Sometimes all I want is a half hour of silence in the morning to sip my hot chocolate, eat my toast at a leisurely pace and read the day's paper. The stack of unread papers next to my bed speaks to how well that's going.
This Mother's Day just reminded me of what a luxury that is because my first gift of the morning was breakfast in bed with the Sunday paper and my husband ensuring the solitude to enjoy it.
Jen: I didn’t have breakfast in bed but I did get an uninterrupted nap. And that was fabulous. Sometimes you just need a little bit of quiet time in order to remember who you are.
Kelli: It's so important to not lose sight of yourself and all the personal traits that made you sure you had so much to contribute to the molding of a family. It is what you loved about yourself, made you lovable to your husband, endeared you to friends and family and what your children will one day appreciate and cherish when they reflect on what type of parent they hope to become.
Jen: And, it can be very easy to sacrifice your personality on the altar of the perfect mother. Part of what I like about being a dual-career mother is that I have a compartment where I am not “mommy.” And, I derive a lot of satisfaction over getting things done - which is hard to achieve (at least in the short-term) when raising kids.
Kelli: If there's anything I've learned along this motherhood journey, it is this: I am a much better mother when I get a little "me time."
If I wake up on my own, I'm more clear headed and patient. If I get a chance to read the paper I feel in tune with the world around me instead of left out. If I get a chance to exercise I feel invigorated and have a positive self-image. If I can grab lunch with a friend I feel likable and connected. If I have time to get some personal things done I feel productive instead of stressed that I'm overloaded. And if someone gives me the time and tells me to go take care of me, I feel validated and appreciated.
Jen: And, are you able to get this done as often as you like?
Kelli: You mean, do I practice what I preach? Stacked up against the needs of my precious babies, and that of my husband as the sole financial provider, many times my needs just don't make the cut.
Jen: As a dual-career mom, I often crave just a little time where I don’t have a deliverable, a baby who needs changed, or a child who needs homework corrected. Sometimes it is so hard to do it all.
Kelli: It is hard. There is nothing like solidifying your change-over from a "me" person to a "we" person like having a child. It's simply not an option to take a shower and brush your teeth when you have a newborn who hasn't figured out days and nights. There's no such thing as a good night's sleep when you have a toddler that wants Mommy to lay with them every time they roll over and wake up. And when your children are old enough to gain some independence, they still need Mom to shuttle them around to all their growth opportunities.
Jen: That’s exactly my point. Your kids will always need something from you but you need to make sure that you make time for yourself too. Without that time away - whether it be the gym, a daily walk, yoga, art, reading, or just quiet time - you will lose track of what makes you “you.”
Kelli: As mothers it goes against every fiber of our inexhaustible love for your children to put ourselves before them. But not losing sight of yourself and the things outside of family that makes you happy is not putting yourself before them, it's keeping yourself sane so that you will always be there for them.
Jen: It’s so hard to do but you need to give yourself the permission to put yourself first in order to be the best parent you can be.
The one technique I used was to take at least one hour each week (my lunch hour tends to work best) and use that hour to just do something for myself - coffee and a book at a coffee shop, some window shopping or even just sitting in the park and enjoying the scenery. It does wonders for my psyche!!
Kelli: Okay, I give myself permission to go to the movies, get a giant popcorn, rootbeer, and box of Junior Mints. I’d ask you if you want to come, but I need you to watch my kids…
Jen: I will if you take mine so I can get a facial…
Kelli: Permission granted!
Kelli Wheeler is a
Jen Hall is a
