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Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 6, Caleb 3, and Abigail 6 weeks): When your family first expands from two to three (parents + child) it's a huge adjustment, but when you add one, two or more siblings into a family, how does that affect the others?

Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 9, and Whitney 8): I’ll tell you how it affected me – I cried a lot. And that was without Postpartum Depression.

Jen: Don’t you think having kids 17 months apart might have had something to do with it?

Kelli: That and I suddenly went from working mother to stay-at-home mother causing me to take trips to Target just to see daylight and other human beings.

But enough about me and my neurosis, how’s the adjustment to new baby going for the boys?

 
Jen: All my children are three years apart - Jacob was three when Caleb was born and he really handled a new sibling pretty well. It helped that we kept him on the same school schedule and made sure that we spent time with him.
 
With the addition of baby Abigail, we have been trying to do the same thing with Caleb. However, it's definitely been a challenge. As one friend said, we've moved from a man to man to a zone defense. 

Kelli: Even though Logan was still essentially a baby when we brought Whitney home, we were lucky he didn’t ever show signs of jealousy and displacement. But I guess it wasn’t luck because, in truth, we worked really hard to set up a positive outcome.

Jen: It’s a tricky balance to make sure everyone always gets equal time because life isn't really like that anyway. But at the same time, I want to make sure Caleb, the former baby, doesn't feel the new baby is usurping his place in the family.

Kelli: Besides doing things prenatally to get Logan excited for the baby, like letting him feel Whitney kicking in my stomach and having him help pick out stuffed animals for her room, we also transitioned him into the “big boy” role.

He became excited to give the crib to Whitney and get a big boy bed. He picked out his big boy bedding and started collecting some of his “baby” toys to let Whitney borrow. We never tried to take away any of his comfort things he was still using or thought he still needed (crib blankets, high chair, favorite stuffed animals and toys in his old “baby’s room”).

Jen: We did many of those things too- making sure we highlighted the big boy part of the transition and minimized some of the arrival. We also had the baby bring the boys a special gift in the hospital which went over really well.

Kelli: Once Whitney arrived and the novelty wore off, I made sure to reinforce the big boy role as Mommy’s helper. I had Logan help get diapers, bounce her in the bouncy seat (with practice at not zooming her into space), or talk and distract her with toys when she got fussy (I can still hear him – “Whatz-a-madder Whit-kneeee?”).

Jen: So far, Jake’s seems to have accepted the addition with no problems at all. And while he is really interested in the baby, Jake's involved in a lot more extra-curricular activities and has a lot of other things going on to keep him busy.

Caleb, on the other hand, almost loves the baby too much and too many times I’ve heard myself say, “No, don't get too close to the baby!” The main thing is we try to focus on making sure we spend enough time with him. Even though we've been trying to make sure we give equal attention to all the children, I'm afraid that the middle child might get left out.

Kelli: Speaking as a middle child myself, there’s nothing you can do to keep a middle child from feeling left out short of having a fourth to give everyone a buddy.

Jen: Yeah, that’s not making me feel any better.

Kelli: Okay, then try this. My dad did it with me and I involved my dad to carry on the tradition. Once a week when I was little, my dad would take me somewhere just me and him. Sometimes it was clothes shopping for a pretty dress, sometimes it was just a walk in the woods.

With Logan, Dad came over once a week to watch baby Whitney. I tried to schedule it during her nap time to make it easier for him. First Logan and I did a Mommy and Me preschool. When that was done we went to the Mommy and Me class at Tricks gymnastics.

Jen: With me on maternity leave and my husband, Justin, a teacher with his summer about to come free, we’re planning on trying something like that. We truly believe the best way to make a smooth transition with the new baby is to find a way to make time for each child and continue to make them feel special.

Kelli: Sounds like you guys are on the right track for a harmonious expansion of your new fam!

Jen: It does make me feel we are doing something right when I hear Caleb say, "I love you baby Abby-girl; you're my friend."

Kelli Wheeler is a Sacramento stay-at-home mom of two happy with her decision to stick with a man-to-man defense.

Jen Hall is a Sacramento dual-career mom of three still trying to perfect her zone defense.

Tips for Introducing a New Baby to Older Siblings

1. Start early. Involve the older sibling(s) in the pregnancy and getting ready for the baby. They can help pick a name, feel the baby move or help select things for the room.
2.  Make them proud to be big. So they don’t feel “replaced,” play up the role of big brother or sister. Give them new big boy or girl responsibilities appropriate to their age like helping Mommy with changing the baby, feeding the baby or entertaining the baby.
3. Don’t Take Away Comfort Items. Taking away things they’re still attached to to give to the baby will just build resentment. If the older sibling isn’t ready to give up the crib, don’t make them. Use a basinet until they’re ready.
4. Prepare them. Make sure an older child understands a baby won’t be much fun for awhile and an instant playmate. Explain and help them understand that babies cry a lot, need lots of care and can’t do a lot of things they can.
5. Attention. Babies need lots of attention, but that doesn’t mean the other child(ren) need less. Try to make a special time for just you and each child so they don’t feel left out or get jealous. Continue to look for ways to make them feel special too.
6. All in the family. Help your other child(ren) understand the new baby is theirs too and not just Mom and Dad’s. Use the term “your baby” so they get used to the idea that you are all a family and belong to one another.
7. Reminisce. Take out the baby book and remind them of what it was like to bring them home. Show them pictures of things you did for them that you will also do for the new baby.
8. Inclusion. Make sure friends and family who come to visit the new baby don’t forget to include any other children with presents and attention. Remind them even the smallest gesture will be appreciated and welcomed.
9. Be patient. Not all children will come around quickly to a new sibling. It’s a normal reaction and practicing patience and understanding will help from alienating them further.
10.  Ask for help. If you’re having a hard time transitioning to a larger family, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Seek out a friend, relative or support group if you are feeling overwhelmed.