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Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 9, and Whitney 7): I recently read a blog on SacMomsClub about poor manners at the playground.
Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 6, and Caleb, 3): I read that too. The mother’s twins, 22 months old, were getting run over and pushed around by older kids at the park. She was venting about her frustration with supervising parents who never stepped in.
Kelli: I didn’t see it as poor manners. I saw it as bullying. And I also believe the parents who didn’t correct the behavior were enablers to bullying.
Jen: I definitely agree about the bullying part. You might think of it as kids being kids, but behavior like that tends to escalate unless someone steps in and says it’s wrong. When a child doesn't do so, a supervising adult should take the initiative.
Kelli: When people think of a bully, they usually think of someone who is abusive physically or verbally. But bullying comes in many different forms. And I think many times parents don’t recognize it in their own children.
Jen: I don't think anyone wants to believe that their child can be a bully, but the fact is that at some point all kids do act in this manner. The trick is to capture that teachable moment, teach them to empathize with the other child and teach them while it is wrong.
Kelli: The definition of bully is a person who hurts or browbeats those who are weaker. So anyone who imposes their will on someone else, discounting their feelings, requests or direction is, by definition, a bully. Like older kids who run roughshod and unchecked over littler kids at the playground; kids that won’t compromise and make others do what they want; a child who badgers another child for their treat at lunch until they give in.
Jen: Good description - and it can start young too!
Kelli: There used to be a kid in our playgroup that always used to bite other kids when they didn’t get their way or they got upset. The mother never handled it properly, the kid continued to bite and subsequently no one wanted their kids around an unchecked bully.
Jen: That situation had an effect on the bully and the child being bullied. The bully was left out of the group and didn't learn to properly socialize. It makes the next time they enter a playground even more difficult because now they are probably afraid that they will get rejected.
Kelli: Once at a McDonald’s playland when my kids were two and four some older kids would not stop using Whitney as a target in the ball pit. As young child, Whitney didn’t know how to handle this and looked to me for help.
First I modeled an appropriate reaction. I politely asked the children to stop, that it wasn’t funny. They ignored me. Then I used stronger language. “Please stop!” The child just looked at me, smiled then aimed another ball at my kid’s head. I looked around for the parents, but everyone was busy in their conversations ignoring the escalating problem. So I climbed in the ball pit, got in the child’s face and said, “I told you to stop! Now you can play nice or you can leave.”
The stunned child finally got the message, and I followed up by climbing out of the ball pit and demanded, “Whose kids are these?”
Luckily, the inattentive grandmother was apologetic and took action, but if she hadn’t it was something I would’ve stood my ground over for the safety of my children. It was also important to model taking action.
Jen: It's funny how quickly you can go from "mild-mannered mom" to "fierce lioness protecting her cubs" when you don't see people taking action. I've been on both sides and haven't hesitated to pull my kid out of the sandbox if they are not acting appropriately. We've had to leave the park on a few occasions, but it certainly got the message across.
Kelli: I’m always on the look-out for bullying behavior in my children. Especially since my son is big for his age and likes to do things his way. His teacher swears he is a leader, leading by example, but when I see him constantly bossing his sister around I make sure to check the behavior.
Jen: Definitely - the older sibling thing can be a challenge. You don't want to have the big kid always getting his way just because he is bigger. That's why the empathy part of it is so important!
Kelli: I also rely on other parents to speak up. How can I work on changing the behavior if I don’t know it’s happening? Did the kids “work it out” in the true spirit of compromise during a playdate or did my assertive child make others bend to her will?
Jen: And, as too many of us are familiar with, the bullying can escalate and get worse as the children get older. The ways they can bully now have expanded as well - over the internet, through texting, and I'm sure they'll be even more methods as our children enter middle and high school.
Kelli: My kids’ school has had special assemblies to teach recognizing bullying behavior, how to treat others with respect and how to protect yourself or seek out help.
When kids are young there is a learning curve because, many times, kids don’t always realize their behavior is impacting someone else negatively. But there is no excuse once kids are old enough to have learned and know how to practice respecting others, their boundaries and their feelings.
Jen: I think the no tolerance polices are very important and they need to be backed up. Parents should take this no tolerance to the playground too. If it is YOUR child who is doing the bullying you need to take action early, recognize the signs, and not dismiss them.
Kelli: It is the parents’ job to teach their children proper behavior, morals and values that will carry forward when they aren’t around. If parents are explaining away troublesome behaviors, ignoring warning signs or even just being inattentive they are truly doing a disservice to their children.
Jen: Absolutely - a disservice to the bully and the one being bullied. Both of the children need to know it is not okay and that it is perfectly acceptable to speak up and refuse to advocate for that type of behavior.
Kelli: There’s a lot of things I’d love to brag about my kids, but I don’t think there’s one parent out there that would like to say, “Well, my kid’s the playground bully!”
Jen: One last thought: If your child has been a victim of bullying, they also need to know they can turn to you (or an adult) for help and intervention. Many times victims feel helpless and by empowering them with skills in speaking up for themselves or when to seek out help, a child can take control away from a bully.
Kelli Wheeler is a
Jen Hall is a
Signs Your Child May Be a Bully
- Doesn’t respect authority. If your child won’t follow directions from an adult, you have a problem.
- Won’t compromise. If you’re child insists things be done their way, gets overly upset if they don’t get what they want, refuses to try things another way or intimidates others to follow along this is bullying behavior.
- Cheats during games. If a child refuses to play by the rules they are ruining the game for everyone and being a bully.
- Thinks they’re always right. A child who thinks their way is the only way to do things and discounts others opinions or suggestions is being a bully.
- Ignores requests from peers to stop. Extremely troubling behavior and needs immediate intervention on respecting others.
- Hogs equipment and toys. Nip this toddler behavior in the bud or you’ll have a bully on your hands who thinks their needs are more important than others.
- Refuses to do what they are told. Obstinate behavior is a sign of control issues and needs to be dealt with immediately.
- Won’t quit until they get what they want. Badgering, harassing, and even whining to get desired results is ignoring someone’s boundaries and is bullying.
- Discounts others feelings. When a child doesn’t care how their actions affect others you have a problem and it is time to educate them in empathy.
- Strikes out in anger. Immediately intervene with harsh consequences and instruct in better ways to control anger, because as an adult this is assault and a jailable offense.
- Likes to create reactions even if it’s negative. Forcing someone to pay attention to you is bullying behavior.
- Consistently overly rough play. If a child doesn’t know how to keep their play in check or play appropriately they are not playing. They are being mean and unfair and being a bully.
- Physically, verbally or emotionally abuses or harasses others. Alarming behaviors that can’t be ignored and professional intervention should be sought.
