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Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 9, and Whitney 7): In my previous life, BC – Before Children, I was a fifth grade teacher.
Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 6, and Caleb, 3): Do you miss it?
Kelli: I miss the absolute joy of watching kids blossom with knowledge and being a part of it.
What I don’t miss is “that parent” who instead of being my teammate in educating their child became my adversary – second guessing and challenging every move I made, sucking the joy out of teaching and making me fearful of my own shadow.
Jen: Since I am married to a teacher, I also see both sides of the equation; but usually not in the heat of the moment. And, usually, it is my husband who is the sensible one and tells me to back off and relax.
Kelli: Of course, BC, you think you will never be “that parent.” AD – After Diapers, suddenly you become a mother bear who will go after anyone who dares to think of your child as anything less than perfect.
Jen: I was positive I would never be "that parent" either. I thought it was best to let teachers teach, and for me to just keep my nose out of it. But then, when my own child encountered his first trial, the temptation to swoop in and make everything all better was tough not to do.
Kelli: Jen, I’m afraid I have become “that parent.”
Jen: I find that hard to believe - do tell.
Kelli: I could see it happening when my first born, baby, sweetie, pumpkin-pie, innocent, little cutie-patootie, perfect angel went off to kindergarten. I actually stood up at Orientation outraged I would have to feed
Jen: Grounds for a witch hunt, indeed!
Kelli: I know!
Actually, when I saw his teacher barely contain her “that parent” eye roll and sigh while calming me with a patronizing rehearsed explanation, it put a mirror in front of me and I recoiled in horror at myself.
Jen: It's not a very pretty picture, is it?
Kelli: His teacher (and later Whitney’s), still laugh about my auspicious beginning.
But I was fortunate. Previously being a teacher, I think, made it easier for me to see I was not being proactive for my child, but a pest. Not everyone can see that in themselves. They just think they’re being their child’s advocate.
Jen: It's a fine line to walk because you go into it with the best of intentions. But you also don't want to alienate the teacher with constant questions and requests about your child's needs.
I try to keep in mind there are 17 other kids in Jacob's class who are also equally deserving of their teacher's attention and time. However, you also need to know when it is time to step up and say something.
Kelli: I’ve always told my mom friends who are experiencing frustrations with their child’s education to ask themselves, “Is this truly affecting my child’s academic or social progress?”
If the answer is yes, then set an appointment to discuss it in a non-defensive manner with the goal of compromise. If the answer is no, then vent about it out of earshot of your child then move on. Save the fight for the battles that really matter.
Jen: The other good advice I received was to wait a few weeks to see if the challenge or obstacle passes. Also, if you clearly see your child's behavior or demeanor is being affected, it’s time to speak up.
At the same time, I think most of us just want the teacher to like our children (and by extension, us) and so we hesitate to say or do anything that might jeopardize this.
Kelli: I have to admit, when you feel strongly about your child’s educational success, it is hard not to be “that parent.” Sometimes it helps me to remember this academic evolution is not a sprint to the finish or Best in Show, but a marathon of learning where personal best is prized.
Jen: I feel strongly that it is important your child enjoy what they are doing and retain that love of going to school as long as possible - hopefully forever. I also know it can be easy to be overlooked if you don't speak up and say something when it’s really bothering you.
The question I think people should ask is whether or not it will matter in a month, six months, or a year. If the answer is yes, then you should do something about it. If not, then maybe you should sleep on it before you storm over to the teacher's office demanding action and explanations.
Kelli: Certainly, I’m not saying you should passive in your child’s academic career. I did have to go the mat recently over something I felt very strongly about.
In the end, the principal agreed the school could have done better and vowed to make improvements. I agreed I should’ve made sure I had an accurate account from both teacher and student before coming to her. And we both still smile when we see each other in the halls knowing we’re allies not adversaries.
Jen: I absolutely think it is about learning to pick your battles. The things you think are important as a kindergarten parent are probably less so as a high school parent. Then again, maybe the stakes are higher, and therefore, more worth "going to the mat" for.
Kelli: So, I guess I’m not “that parent.” At the moment. Earlier in the year, though, I did give my son’s first-year teacher a set of stamps so she would quit using her one “Great Job” stamp to mark not so great work.
Jen: Sort of like the way we give trophies to all the kids just for showing up?
Kelli: I’ve also really been biting my tongue on having to fill out field trip forms in triplicate instead of the teacher just copying it off. Please stop me if I start forming an action committee…
Jen: I'll just calm you down with a new set of stamps.
Kelli Wheeler is a
Jen Hall is a
Are You “That Parent”?
Questions to ask yourself to be proactive and not a pest to your child’s teacher
- Do you get angry when your child comes home upset and immediately call or email the teacher demanding answers? Or do you calmly collect information from your child, contact the teacher asking for clarification, then move forward with both perspectives?
- Do you disparage or complain about your child’s teacher in front of them? Or do you save your frustrations to discuss out of earshot?
- If you have a problem with the teaching strategies, do you complain about it to any other parent that will listen looking for allies in anger? Or do you come to the teacher with your problem, as well as a solution, and present it in a non-defensive manner with a goal of compromise?
- Do you volunteer in the classroom just so you can keep an eye on what’s going on? Or do you truly want to help the teacher be the best they can be and show your support for education?
- Does your child’s teacher only hear from you if there’s a problem? Or do you try to stay involved in any way you can, also remembering to share what your child enjoys about them and class.
- Are you ready to charge in and do battle for your child at any grievance they share? Or do you save the battles for when it really matters, first asking yourself, “Is this truly affecting my child’s academic or social progress?”
- Do you not know anything from first-hand knowledge about your child’s teacher beyond the classroom? Or do you try to get to know your child’s teacher as a person as well as sharing non-academic conversations about your own family?
- As room parent or any other parent volunteer, are you creating more work and decisions for the teacher with too much input or not enough help? Or do you keep communication asking what you can do so they can focus on teaching?
- Are you constantly second-guessing teaching strategies and dissecting teaching techniques? Or do you see it as a partnership in the educational growth of your child with more than one road to success?
- Do you wish a difficult school year could just hurry up and be over? Or do you see what you can do to facilitate a better outcome and salvage your child’s view toward school?
