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Jen (Dual career mom of Jacob, 6, and Caleb, 3): So how many times do you think you’ll have to prompt your kids to say “please” and “thank you” before it actually sticks?
Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan, 9, and Whitney, 7): A good couple thousand, at least. But the pride you feel when you realize it has become automatic can be wiped away with your child continuing to tell people on the phone that mommy is busy in the bathroom plucking her chin hairs or going number two.
Jen: The occasional booger picked in public is enough to do it for me.
Kelli: And I’m all for my kids exploring their budding musical interests, but not with “Eye of the Tiger” tapped out with fork and spoon on a dinner plate.
Jen: I’m pretty pleased with Jake learning the If You Can’t Say Anything Nice… rule, but Caleb doesn’t realize yet that telling a woman in line in front of us that “You’re REALLY big,” isn’t just being observant.
Kelli: Sometimes I think you should just stay away from lines all together with a toddler. I’ve done entirely too much apologizing for offending observations.
Jen: It’s good to hear it’s not just me.
Kelli: Let me tell you, there’s nothing like a proud belch/fart combo at the dinner table causing all children present to giggle in appreciation to make you rethink your parenting techniques.
Especially when you ask your son aghast, "
Jen: Belch/fart combos are big in my house of two boys and one big boy.
Kelli: I am proud of the fact though, that my kids regularly receive compliments from wait staff and accompanying friends/relatives on their manners at restaurants.
They don't mumble their order, but talk clearly making eye contact as they start with, "May I please have...," and always use pleases and thank yous. They also act appropriately and rarely need to be told to settle down anymore.
Jen: There are a few restaurants we are just now feeling like we can show our faces in again after one too many sippy cups thrown across the restaurant incidents.
Kelli: I can think of at least one place we wouldn’t be welcome in anymore.
Trust me, my kids’ restaurant manners were forged over many years of meltdowns, terse threats, reinforcing praise, embarrassed apologies, repeated modeling and prompting of appropriate manners.
Jen: Well, that actually gives me a lot of hope that there is light at the end of the manners train.
Kelli: I know it can sound like I make my kids out to be perfect, but there have been plenty of embarrassing lapses in manners and good upbringing to remind me that there's plenty of more work to do.
Jen: You know some of things I’ve witnessed and experienced lately makes me wonder, do manners matter anymore? With the advent of all the new technology and reduced interpersonal communications combined with new ways of doing things, it makes me think about whether our old etiquette standards are still in place.
Kelli: I don't expect my kids to be Miss Manners model citizens, because I, myself, am not there. But I do hope I can set them on the right course of politeness and decency and we can continue to evolve together.
Jen: I think appropriate manners are still important. No matter what technology is available it will always be valued to treat people with kindness and respect - generally treating others how you would want to be treated.
In fact, I think it is even more important now than ever because it is easy to lose sight of the humanity of all of us when most of our conversations and connections are carried out online rather than offline.
Kelli: There is hope out there.
I was walking behind a sixth grader when I overheard him tell his friend very matter of factly, "The only rule my dad has given me is to respect yourself and respect others. That pretty much covers every other rule if you follow that."
I was very impressed and plan on borrowing from his dad's parenting playbook to continue calibrating my kids' moral compasses. I also wish I knew who the kid was so I could call his dad and tell him what he was preaching was working.
Jen: I hope you didn't stalk the child in order to pass this news along.
Kelli: No, but those moments when you witness your children practicing what you preach makes a parent's heart soar with pride and validation as well as relief that these kids are going to turn out okay.
Jen: I don't really have many of those heart soaring moments with the three year old, but I am pleased they are making a more frequent appearance with Jacob!
Recently, I was thrilled when he (with no previous prompting) very nicely introduced his grandparents to his teacher at his school's "open house" day. Isn't it great when they are well-behaved in front of your parents?
Kelli: It’s a great day when they’re well-behaved anywhere.
Jen: What I really want to know is whether or not I am the worst mom ever for insisting my kids write thank you notes. I literally can't sleep if they don't finish them!
Personally, I love getting thank you notes or notes in general because it shows you went that extra little step to show someone you were thinking about them. But at the same time, an in-person "thanks" or email "thanks" works just as well.
Kelli: I continue to fight the battle of thank you notes knowing one day they will be written without coercion, tears and second thought because it is an appreciated gesture and the right thing to do.
Jen: I’m still working on a booger picked and not eaten is the right thing to do.
Kelli M. Wheeler is a
Jennifer Hall is a working mom of two who tries to remember the importance of manners especially when behind a slow driver!
Top 10 manners to Teach Your Child
List compiled by Lisa Dupre, owner Busy Bees Studio
1. How to introduce yourself to someone:
· Look them in the eye, smile, greet them (“Hi, I’m ___, nice to meet you.”) and shake hands. Hiding behind mom’s leg, staring at the ground and muttering something incomprehensible does not count.
2. A proper handshake:
· Start with clean dry hands, extend your hand sideways with thumb facing up, make sure the web of hands meet, use a firm but not tight grip, pump up and down 2-3 times (bending at elbow not shoulder – you don’t want them to look like a bird getting ready for take-off!)
3. The core of good manners is kindness:
· Follow the guidelines set by the Golden Rule “Do unto to others as you have them do unto to you”, or its cousin, the traditional “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
4. Table Manners – There are many important table manners, but these are the most commonly ignored by children.
· Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with food in your mouth. PLEASE!
· The proper response to the offer of food you do not like or want is “No, thank you” not “Yuck, broccoli is gross.” (this is assuming you have the option of declining the broccoli).
· Ask for food to be passed to you, do not reach across the table to get it.
· Mealtime is for eating and polite conversation not for playing with toys or Gameboys, texting, telling gross stories, picking on your sibling or talking on cell phones.
· If you make a mess, clean it up. Accidents happen, but you can make the best of it by helping to fix the situation (this applies to spills, hurt feelings and other offenses).
· Sit still. Not only is this polite, but it will help you avoid extra spills!
· Napkins on the lap and remember to use them, not your hand or sleeve.
5. Phone Manners.
· Use normal speaking voice, no need to shout. Hint…the mouthpiece acts as a microphone, amplifying sounds.
· Do not eat, drink or chew while on the phone. See above hint regarding mouthpiece.
· If you must sneeze, cough or burp, move your head away from the phone and cover the mouthpiece. Remember that hint about the mouthpiece?
· Give the person on the other end your full attention. Do not watch TV, speak to others, read or use the computer (unless you are reading A tale of Two Mommies - just kidding).
· No matter how cute you think it is, please don’t let your child answer the phone unless they have been taught how to do it politely. I’ve heard all sorts of child greetings, everything from “What?”, “Who is it?” and “Yeah?” to silence, heavy breathing, sniffles and “click” (the phone being hung up). The polite ways to answer the phone start out as simple as one word; “Hello?” and can become more complex “Hello, _(last name)_ residence.” and “Hello, _ (last name) _ residence,
_ (first name) _ speaking.” Pick the one you prefer and practice it with your little one.
6. Manners in public places.
· Since there are usually many people in public places (movies, libraries, parks, stores etc.) your behavior has a much larger impact then it does in other situations. Simply put, the way you behave in public affects the many people around you (and can deeply embarrass your mother).
7. Party Etiquette
· RSVP. It helps the host plan for things like food, drinks, cake and goody bags (you do want a goody bag don’t you?) and more importantly it shows respect to the host and appreciation for the invitation.
Invitations. Unless the whole class is invited, do not give out invitations at school. Do not talk about parties to which you are invited or hosting at school, the playground or anywhere else children who aren't invited may be present. This goes back to the kindness topic.
Be on time. This one is taught by example and is a challenge to many busy moms (even those who teach manners classes).
· Use your best behavior. Do not to criticize the food, games or gifts.
· Do not “help” the birthday girl or boy open a gift or blow out the candles, unless you are asked to do so.
· Everyone wants to see what gifts the birthday boy or girl receives, so sit down and don’t crowd while the gifts are being opened. Criss cross applesauce!
· Please and thank you. A party is exciting and there is a lot going on, don’t forget to say "yes, please" when offered cake or pizza and "thank you" when you receive it. Always thank the birthday boy or girl and his or her parents for inviting you.
· Gifts. Beginning/Intermediate: Acknowledge all the gifts you receive with a smile and a "thank you," even if you do not like something or have 3 others just like it at home. Intermediate/Advanced: Smile, say thank you and find something nice to say about the fruitcake in the shape of Santa…”He looks so jolly!”
· Games and activities. Participate in all the games and activities at the party and if you see someone off by themselves invite them to join the fun!
8. Thank you notes
· Write thank you cards for gifts, kind deeds, special favors and anything else for which you are grateful. This shows your family and friends that you appreciate them.
9. Respect differences
· We are all different from one another in many ways (hair color, height, clothing, homes, physical abilities, food preferences, activities we enjoy, etc.). Your child may meet people who are so different from him that he may want to ask you about them. That is okay, it is normal for your child to be curious as long as he is respectful. That means not pointing at or making fun of someone or whispering about or staring at them. Teach your child to ask you about those who are different privately.
10. Play fair and be a good sport
· Following rules, sharing, taking turns and not gloating or pouting helps your child show respect for others and herself. Learning to play fairly and win and lose gracefully will serve your child well through life.
