SacMomsClub.com

Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 5, and Caleb, 2): So you've lined up a playdate, you get along with the parents...things are going well...but all of a sudden it is not working out. What do you do? When do you interfere? How do you keep it from happening?

Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 8, and Whitney 7): I had a playdate go bad before it even got started once! A good friend of mine picked up our kids from school to drop them at my house for a playdate. But she diplomatically called it off as soon as she stepped out of the car.

When I asked if her daughter was too tired after a day of school she said, “No. Your daughter told my daughter she didn’t really want her to come over for a playdate – that you were making her reciprocate a playdate.”

Jen: Oooh, ouch. Friend or no friend that’s embarrassing.

 
Kelli: Five alarm face burner.

 
Jen: So, what did you do?

Kelli: Apologized profusely then locked my uncouth preschooler in the basement.

Jen: You don’t have a basement.

Kelli: At that moment I wish I did and that it was an acceptable form of parenting.

Actually, Whitney did nothing wrong. It was my fault. My daughter tried to tell me she was uncomfortable with that playdate, but I talked her into reciprocating because they were nice enough to have her over.

It was a lesson for me in forcing a playdate and I turned it into a lesson for Whitney about watching what we say so that people’s feelings don’t get hurt.

Jen: Things can go wrong at every age, at least every age I’ve yet experienced! At 2, it’s throwing sand in the face of other kids at the playground, at 4 it’s taking toys from another, and as they get older, well, not naming any names but we’ve definitely had to talk about “sticks, stones, and breaking bones!”

Kelli: I believe the best way to head off a bad playdate is to set the stage for success. For example, a good playdate is about setting parameters. It’s less likely to go bad if parents and the kids know what the expectations are and how any conflicts will be handled.

Jen: Like length of time. I’ve found toddlers can generally only tolerate about 45 minutes worth of an activity involving other children. Time limits can help prevent over-stimulation.
 
Kelli: Agreed. Older kids can tolerate longer playdates since they are capable of playing independently and knowing how to redirect themselves if they get bored (coincidently when most conflicts seem to arise). But generally, I’ve found friends are fun in small doses. Three hours seems to be a good amount of time. Like they say in showbiz – leave ‘em wanting more.

Jen: In my opinion, the most sensitive subject is discipline.

Kelli: It is. For me, a playdate has officially gone bad if I have to discipline someone else’s child. It’s bad for my kid who’s become a victim. Bad for their kid who’s become the bad guy. Bad for me because now I have to deliver the news to someone that their child isn’t perfect. Bad for the other parent because they’re either going to be mortified or defensive.

Jen: Of course, when your own child is perfect it’s hard to believe they can do anything wrong (wink, wink). So to hear negative things about your baby, I think it’s a natural reaction to get on the defensive right away.

Kelli: Definitely a kid-glove situation and a good test of interpersonal skills. But that’s why you can’t be judgmental -- it goes both ways. Most likely your kid will one day be on the other end.

One time a playdate went bad when I had to discipline my son for refusing to let his friend play with anything in his room because he had suddenly elevated it to museum status and declared everything in it “special.”

Jen: I know for me, I try to let the kids solve their own conflicts to help with social interaction. The temptation is to protect your kids from anything bad that might happen to them, but how realistic is that?

I guess one of the things I’ve done with my older son that was effective was role-playing out situations that might occur at other people’s homes and how to deal with it.

Of course, if the conflict degenerates beyond their capabilities to handle it or becomes aggressive, it’s time to step in to model appropriate language and behavior and remind everyone the rules of friendship and kindness.

Kelli: Letting kids know the rules of the house ahead of time is also helpful for keeping a playdate on course. Also, making sure your child’s guest feels comfortable coming to you with a problem before it gets out of hand.

Jen: For young kids it just works out better if playdates are structured and supervised. This alone helps alleviate conflict. Also, since the kids are so young, it’s best for a first time playdate for the guest’s parent to stay for a little while until everyone is comfortable it will go successfully.

Kelli: The bottom line for me is a playdate for school age children is supposed to be an extension of an already existing friendship. It has less chance of going bad if you’re not forcing a get together to help your child make friends, reciprocating to keep things “even”, or continuing to invite someone over who just doesn’t mesh well with your child because you like their parents.

Jen: But if it does go bad, you deal with it, discuss it on pick-up, move on and hopefully it’ll be a learning experience for everyone.

Kelli: I’ve learned Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie helps soothe the nerves…

Kelli Wheeler is a Sacramento stay-at-home mom of two who has survived bad playdates and learned to laugh about them.

Jen Hall is a Sacramento dual-career mom who believes that any mother who has successfully navigated a park playdate with toddler aged children could help negotiate peace in the middle east. 

Do’s and Don’ts for Playdate Success

1. Do communicate what house rules and expectations are at the beginning. It’s helpful for children to know what is expected of them. Let the parents know too what you are planning on enforcing in your house so everyone is clear on expectations. Also, make sure guests know how to address you so they feel comfortable coming to you with any problem.
2. Don't force playdates. Just because you’re friends with the mom or feel the need to reciprocate doesn’t mean your child should be forced to “play nice.” Respect communications of discomfort or unhappiness and who your child wants to be friends with.
3. Do let your child spot a good match. Playdates should be an extension of more time with someone they’ve already established a friendship with.
4. Don’t overreact to a playdate meltdown. Don’t yell, don’t punish. Remain calm. Model conflict management. Let each side explain the difference, help brainstorm a solution. Explain the consequences of a bad choice.
5. Do redirect. Practice the art of distraction. You can head-off a playdate meltdown by having a fun diversionary activity ready and available (i.e. Time to make brownies! Who wants to play Sponge Bob Bingo?).
6. Don’t rush to judgment. One bad decision by a child does not a bad parent make. Kids are works in progress, so give them the benefit of the doubt and room to grow.
7. Do talk parenting shop. Talk about what to do in case a conflict comes up. What do you plan to do? What does the guest’s parent believe is appropriate? Take time to chat a bit with parents you don't know well. If you need to intervene in kids' play and help them solve a problem, it's great to know other parents will trust and support your decisions!
8. Do offer a snack. It’s a good way to distract if a conflict arises and sometimes grumpy kids are hungry kids. Also, a great way to get kids to clean up is to tell them they can have a snack as soon as they have done so!
9. Don’t start with the negative. Upon pick-up for a playdate gone bad, start with the positive. Try to think how you would want bad news about your child delivered to you. End with a positive.
10. Do remind your child that a playdate is a privilege. How they act sets the tone. Having a friend over should be fun and if a playdate ends up being too much work and too exhausting for the parent, then the privilege should be taken away.