SacMomsClub.com

Kelli (Stay-at-home mom of Logan 8, and Whitney 7): I just read that article you sent me about the dark side of playgroups called “Kids playgroups can spark mama drama.”

 

Jen (Dual-career mom of Jacob 5, and Caleb, 2): What did you think? Agree or agree to disagree?

 

Kelli: Well, the first part really bashed playgroups and I was getting ready to write an angry rebuttal.

Jen: But the second part emphasized the benefits which then balanced the article out.

 
Kelli: Right, I guess you have to suck ‘em in by getting people’s attention with extreme examples. The dirt’s always more interesting than peachy keen.

 
Jen: So you haven’t had any bad experiences with playgroups?

 

Kelli: I didn’t say that. I just think if you find a playgroup that fits and you don’t force a fit, the good outweighs the bad by a long shot.

 

Jen: I didn’t really get firmly into a playgroup crowd because with both children I’ve always been working full time. During maternity leave with Jacob, the playgroup I joined was pretty much in full swing before I started attending regularly.

Just as I got to know the nuances of the other moms, my maternity leave was over. I tried to schedule my work around the playgroup dates but it just didn’t work out and I slowly drifted away from most of the group. It was just too hard and stressful to try and do a playdate with a six month old even though I desperately needed mom commiseration!

 

Kelli: I was still teaching when Logan was born and joined my first playgroup during maternity leave also. My girlfriend was really pushing me to join her new playgroup and I initially resisted because I didn’t see myself as a “playgroup mom.”

 

But the walls were really closing in on me being a first-time mom with an infant, so I decided to give it a whirl. I never quite felt comfortable with the group because I was the only working mom and I felt they were a bit, let’s say – organic – for me. I mean, I didn't have time to grow my own cotton and then weave it into my child's blanket.

 

Jen: It's always an interesting situation about how it does or doesn't work. One of my friend’s playgroup started through Sutter Hospital’s postpartum mom’s group and eventually they branched off on their own. However, about a year into it there were clearly two distinct groups and they split off. It wasn’t necessarily the most amicable of splits, from what I understand.

Kelli:  You know, my first experience almost kept me from joining another playgroup. Not that they were evil – it just wasn’t a good fit. Plus, there seemed to be an atmosphere of comparing milestones rather than celebrating them. You know, “Logan’s not rolling over yet? That’s interesting, Johnny’s rolling both ways.”

 

Jen: But we both know this story has a happy ending, because we met through our last playgroup together.
 
Kelli: Isn’t that right there a stand alone, shining example of success?!

 

Jen: Ah, but there were some lemons before we made lemonade.

 

Kelli: And what would you say is they key ingredient in our successful playgroup, or any playgroup for that matter?

Jen: Similar interests, goals and expectations I’d say. And, truly nice people.

Kelli: All important. Which led to my own great experience.

Once Whitney was born, I stayed home with the kids and my same girlfriend assured me she had put together a new group she thought I’d enjoy because of similar interests, parenting philosophies and age ranges of kids. Once again I conceded, desperate for adult conversation and a reason to figure out how to take a shower with a toddler and a newborn in tow.

 

It turned out to be a really great group of gals and children. Now, more than seven years later and even though we don’t do formal playgroups anymore, we’re all still one big, happy family. It just goes to show if it’s a good fit, wonderful, lifetime relationships can grow out of it – for both you and your kids.

Jen: Before I met you and your playgroup, I did get included with a great group of moms when Caleb came along and we had some really motivated people who kept it going. I admit I was nervous going in because I worried we didn’t have enough similarities and I wasn’t sure if I would really be accepted or not as the newcomer.

But, it was totally better than my expectations and I realized you can sometimes lose out on good experiences by having skewed expectations about other people.  As they say…don’t judge a book by its cover. It's an important lesson I learned!

Kelli: Or at least give it a good read before you decide it’s not for you and give up on it.

Jen: Right. Because even though there are definitely nightmare stories out there and it can take a little more effort to coordinate if you’re a dual-career mom, finding the right playgroup can have long lasting rewards for both you and your children.   

Kelli: Friendship and socialization., Tears and laughter. New adventures and fun. Commiseration and celebration.

Jen: Um, are we talking the benefits of playgroups for us or the kids now?

 

Kelli: Aren’t they one in the same?

 

  

Kelli Wheeler is a Sacramento stay-at-home mom of two taking playgroup to the next level – Girls Night Out. 

 

Jen Hall is a Sacramento dual-career mom of two who has enjoyed the benefits of non-baby-mama drama playgroups. 

 

 

Tips for a Successful Playgroup

1. What are you looking for? A chance for your child to socialize? A chance for you to meet other moms? A support group? An excuse to get out? Once you know what your goals are it’ll be easier to find a group with similar interests.
2. Similarities attract. Just like a good marriage, if you have similar interests, parenting styles and positive things in common you’re much more likely to meet with success.
3. Be realistic in your expectations. This isn’t the time to re-claim your popularity crown from school or want every kid in the group to be best buddies with your child. Let things unfold on their own without the pressure of high expectations.
4. Be flexible. The branch that doesn’t bend is the one that breaks. As with any large group you need to learn to adapt and work with other personalities.
5. Keep the travel down. One of the benefits of a playgroup is that it’s convenient and slips easily into your schedule. If you have to work too hard to make it fit, than it doesn’t.
6. Age is relevant. Having kids in same developmental groups gives you instant similarities and less chance for friction.
7. Know when to move on. Don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole. If your kids don’t get along, if someone isn’t making an effort to keep you in the loop, or if you just never feel an easy rapport, don’t waste any more time with it. Playgroup shouldn’t be a torture session. Find another group or form your own with different people.
8. Communication is key. Instead of talking behind someone’s back about a problem, be up front. We tell our kids to “use their words” to communicate how they’re feeling, we need to set a good example and do the same. 
9. Expand the relationship. If you’ve found a group that’s a good fit, try doing things together without the kids. It builds camaraderie to put the mommy roles aside and get to know people on another level.
10. Don’t pass judgement. Your kid could be the next bully, biter or tanbark thrower. You’d hate to be forever judged by your child’s last faux pas.
11. Nobody has perfect kids. Including you. Remember kids and good parents are works in progress.
12. Don’t be a mean girl. Resist the temptation to gossip about others in the group. Keep yourself in check by thinking of the return shots they may take when you’re not there.