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So, do you love unconditionally? But wait, there’s a catch. If this article was about you as a mom, it would be a no-brainer; of course you love your kids no matter what. But this isn’t about love for your child – it’s about your unconditional love for YOU. And that’s a lot harder to come by.
It’s not uncommon, as a woman, to extend more love and kindness to a stranger than to yourself. Think about it – is anyone harder on you than you are? Most moms can produce a laundry list of their shortcomings, but are reluctant to take credit for all the things they do right. Yet if you were talking to a girlfriend (or your child, for that matter) who was being hard on herself, you’d probably be quick to give support, tell her to give herself a break, point out the good things about her.
Why is it SO much more difficult to do this for yourself? Several reasons. To start with, if you’re like many women, you may not like to talk about your strengths or positive qualities, not wanting to seem arrogant or superior. And by keeping these qualities to yourself, they can seem less significant and important. On the other hand, it feels safer to talk about shortcomings – and everyone does it.
The beliefs you hold on the inside are as important as what you say to others. Maybe you grew up in a household where there were very high expectations, or where you somehow internalized the belief that you weren’t quite “good enough.” Now, as a mother, there are no objective standards – no way to really know if you’re doing enough – so you assume you aren’t, don’t give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and add one more shortcoming to the list.
The other issue here is that when you’re hard on yourself, you teach your children to do the same. It’s much easier for them to learn to love themselves unconditionally when they see this behavior demonstrated by you, their greatest role model.
How do you decide (and yes, it IS a decision, and a choice) to extend a bit more unconditional love to yourself?
- Start by paying more attention to the negative things you tell yourself. When you catch a negative thought, stop, take a deep breath, and try to come up with a different, kinder or more loving thought to replace this with.
- Try to take a 3rd person perspective. What would you tell your best friend if she said something about herself similar to the negative message you’re giving yourself?
- Make a new habit, when you have a negative thought, to add, “…but I’m doing the best I can.” Then let that be sufficient – the acknowledgement that you ARE doing your best. Because really that’s all you – or anyone – can do.
While you’re at it, give yourself permission to be a little nicer to you. Remind yourself daily of the things you ARE good at, and ARE proud of, and give yourself a pat on the back. When appropriate, share some of these with your child, to show her that feeling good about who she is, just the way she is, is both appropriate AND important.
Your assignment: Focus on being nicer to yourself. Be aware of negative messages you may give yourself this week – either write them down or make a mental note of them. Once you’re paying more attention to these messages, look for examples to refute them, and to turn your focus in a more positive direction. Cut yourself some slack, and remember that you’re doing your best – and that’s enough.
Ready to take the assignment? Want to talk about this? Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.
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