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Our children get messages everywhere – from their friends, the media, society in general – but no messages are more important than the ones they get from you.
What messages do your words send to your children? Direct messages are obvious, whether positive (“I love you,” or “You’re such a nice boy”) or negative (“You never listen!” or “You always make a mess!”). Children are also keenly aware of what you say about them to others, so these messages are important to be aware of, too. Without realizing it, this is how many moms reinforce either positive or negative messages; if your son hears you say, “Jack doesn’t play very well in groups,” he may accept this as truth, and further live up to the expectation.
Equally significant are your unspoken messages. When words aren’t involved, kids may not consciously be aware of the information received, but this information forms an important part of a child’s self-concept. Do your actions imply that your child is precious, lovable, capable? Or might you be conveying messages you wouldn’t want your child to internalize?
To get more perspective on this, think about what messages you received – both verbal and non-verbal – from your own parents, and how you integrated the corresponding beliefs into your self-concept. Did you feel special, trusted, able? Or perhaps did you get the message that you weren’t good enough, or a disappointment in some fashion? These can be hard issues to contemplate, but they’re very important.
How do you see your own child? Acknowledge to yourself both the good and bad. Especially when it comes to personality traits that you aren’t fond of (your child talks more than you’d like, for example, or seems to get upset too easily), try not to respond negatively to a characteristic that’s just part of your child’s make-up.
Here are some ideas to consider about the messages you’re sending:
- Pay close attention over a period of time to the words you speak toward and about your child, both positive and negative. Are you satisfied with the messages your words convey?
- If not, think about what specific messages you want your child to have, and look for ways to integrate these into your speech.
- Consider what messages your child may get from your actions and non-verbal cues, to be sure you’re content with these.
- When your child makes you angry, be sure you’re clarifying that the action is bad, not the child herself. This is easy to overlook, especially in the heat of the moment.
Your assignment: Think about the messages your words and actions give your child, and whether you feel good about these. If not, consider making one change to create messages that are more affirming, to help your child develop a more positive self-image.
Ready to take the assignment? Want to talk about this? Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.
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