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One of my recent articles talked about consistency; perhaps the most important place to be consistent is with follow-through, especially when it comes to consequences.
By creating known consequences, and following through on them each and every time a child misbehaves, you’re establishing boundaries. This gives children a sense of security, and also makes them less likely to test you. If your son knows that every time he throws his toys you take them away (with no fanfare), there’s no point in trying this out again – the consequence is known, so the misbehavior is no longer a test, and loses much of its appeal.
For your child to pay attention to your instructions, or your warnings, she must know that you mean what you say. Period. If you tell her that you’ll leave a playdate if she hits her friend, but then she hits and you give her a warning, or “one more chance,” she’s just learned that she can in fact hit, and nothing will happen. A warning is not a consequence! From the child’s point of view, getting you to yell can be a fun game – but not so fun for you.
Only propose consequences you’re willing to follow through on. Sometimes you, or others besides your child, will suffer from your child’s consequence. Maybe you look forward to your daughter’s playdate each week, because it’s a chance for you to visit with one of your friends, and you really don’t want to leave early. If that’s the case, don’t make leaving a possible consequence. As some point your child will call your bluff, and then you have to either follow through or erode your credibility.
To make it easier for you to follow through on consequences:
- Think before you make a threat. Be sure you’re absolutely willing to do what you say.
- Don’t change an established consequence on the spur of the moment; tell your child ahead of time, to keep your credibility intact.
- Pick your battles – you can’t address every behavioral issue at once. Choose the areas you’re most concerned about at a given time, tell your child what the consequences will be for breaking the rules, then follow through each and every time.
- Try to figure out consequences that will have as little negative impact on others (and on you) as possible.
The more your child knows what to expect from you, and knows that you mean what you say, the easier life will be for both of you.
Your assignment: Think of a circumstance where you have difficulty consistently following through with a particular consequence. Decide what you’ll do when your child misbehaves, tell your child (and get your spouse on board too), then do what you say you’re going to do – every time.
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