HomeYou know those really calm moms you see at the park, who always seem so patient and levelheaded? I'm going to let you in on a little secret - behind closed doors, almost all of them lose their tempers once in a while, and end up yelling, growling, or otherwise acting in ways that you would never guess from their public personas.
I mention this because many moms feel horrible about occasionally losing their temper, and few realize how common this is. Still, the better you can handle anger and conflict, the better off you (and your children) will be.
Some moms see conflict as an inherently bad thing, but it's really just about two people seeing things in a different way - a frequent occurrence when dealing with kids. Between struggles over food, chores, toys, TV and bedtime (just for starters), your children will find many ways to challenge your rules and requests. At the same time, by navigating these challenges your children are continually learning to process their emotions, sort through feelings and make sense of their own anger and frustration, while determining exactly where your boundaries lie.
There are several benefits to staying calm when your kids are opposing you. For one thing, you're teaching them to handle anger more constructively. Your measured response can keep a situation from escalating, allowing you to stay in the driver's seat. On the other hand, each time you yell you're showing your children one of your "hot buttons," giving them both power and a strong reaction. By yelling, you're also actively engaging in the conflict, perpetuating the cycle of anger and defensiveness. For smaller children, seeing you loud and upset can be very scary, too.
Here are some ideas for handling conflicts:
• Keep the issue in the forefront, rather than the anger you're feeling.
• You can break the negative conflict cycle by focusing on solutions: What will make this better? What is the outcome you want? How do you take the steps to get there?
• Try to handle a disagreement respectfully, by not yelling, even if it means stepping away and giving yourself a time out. With kids, your message often gets lost the moment you raise your voice.
• Even when you can't change a child's mind about an issue (which will often be the case), you don't need to come to a standoff; try to figure out win-win scenarios when possible.
• If nothing else, take a deep breath, state your position firmly yet kindly, and know that just staying calm is a victory in itself.
Your assignment: Think about a situation with your children that pushes your buttons or makes you angry. How can you effectively address the issue without losing your temper?
Ready to take the assignment? Want to talk about this? Share your ideas and thoughts at M.O.M. Balance forum.
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Want to read more from Karen Harvey's M.O.M. Balance column? Click here.
