HomeAll of your behavior teaches lessons to your children, so it's important to give some thought to what you most want your kids to learn. What do you want to teach your children about how to act? You guide their actions and choices through the boundaries you establish, and by your positive or negative responses to their behavior in different situations.
The flip side of this is the possibility of teaching lessons that are both unintentional and undesirable:
* Imagine that you're in the supermarket, and your child starts whining because he wants you to buy a treat of some kind. If you buy it for him, you've just taught him that whining works.
* Perhaps you initially say no, but the whining escalates to full-on sobbing, so it seems like a better idea to give him the treat (and avoid the embarrassment of nasty stares) than to let the behavior continue. Now he's learned that he can get his way if he makes enough of a scene.
In the moment, your actions make perfect sense; you're preventing a meltdown, calming your child, keeping the peace. However, the "big picture" lessons that these choices teach your child are almost certainly not what you want.
A better option would be to explain to the child exactly what behavior you DO want and expect, before you ever set foot in the store. If you attach a reward to this, fine - but it should only be given if the child holds up his end of the bargain.
Here are a few things to strive for. Your approach to discipline should be:
* Respectful - if you overreact and yell, for instance, you're teaching your child to yell at you or others when she feels angry
* Effective in the long run (which the above two examples were not)
* Consistent and predictable to the child - he knows you mean what you say, and that you will follow through with rewards or consequences
* Connected to the action when possible - for example, if your child hits someone with a toy then that toy could be immediately taken away for some amount of time
* Directed toward the lessons you want to teach, with an emphasis on promoting the behavior you DO want before the misbehavior surfaces
This is a general overview; for more specifics on beneficial ways to interact with your child, take a look at the SacMomsClub forum on Positive Discipline - http://www.sacmomsclub.com/....
Your assignment: Think about one specific challenge you have with your child's behavior, and look for a way to take a more proactive approach, or to handle the situation or action in a way that teaches your child the lessons you want him to learn.
Ready to take the assignment? Want to talk about this? Share your ideas and thoughts at M.O.M. Balance forum .
Want to read more from Karen Harvey's M.O.M. Balance column? Click here.
