HomeThere's no doubt about it: being a stepparent is tough. What other family title is - fictionally or otherwise - constantly introduced with the word "wicked"? Stepparents face an uphill battle finding stability with their spouse's children. From gift-giving to disciplinary action, the role of a stepparent is murky for many. For others, it is a nightmare.
"Put a lot of thought into setting up a new home and how the home is run," says Brenda Rodstrom, a licensed therapist and the founder of Stepfamily Dynamics and Coaching. "New rules and new ways of doing things are not thought out well. Confusion runs rampant. People want to know who is in charge and what the game plan is."
Stepparents should not shy away from becoming an authority figure for fear of gaining the stigma of the wicked stepmother. Susan Newman, stepparent, social psychologist and author says "how much and what a stepparent does will be dependent of course on the children's ages. With younger children, a stepparent will need to have authority as if s/he were the parent."
For most stepparents this is significant: only about 8 percent of children in the U.S. are younger than 6 at the time of their parents remarriage; the bulk, about two-thirds, are older than 12. Younger children are more likely to accept a stepparent while older or adolescent children who have tasted independence are likely to challenge efforts to their routines.
"The child-rearing guidelines that most people learn growing up with two biological parents often do not apply in stepfamilies. This is especially true in the case of adolescents," says Michael D. Zentman, director of the Postgraduate Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy at Adelphi University. "Teenagers do not, and should not be expected to, honor parental authority from a stepmother or stepfather that came onto the scene after they already reached adolescence. The best advice is to have the biological parent assume all disciplinary responsibilities. The stepparent should support the biological parent's decisions but cannot set the rules nor mete out the punishment."
Read the five tips:
1. Don't give up. The National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC)points out that "it is hard to accept that sometimes we are willing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a relationship with us."
2. Don't move too fast. "Don't expect instant gratification; this is a new family, not cup-a-soup notes the NSRC.
Approach stepfamily relationships with minimal and realistic expectations. In this way stepparents "may then be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes more time than anticipated.
3. Talk to your spouse. "Kids tend to do best when there is ongoing communication, cooperation and coordination between their parents around limits, rules and expectations. In general, such consistency provides the stability and security kids need to promote resiliency following a divorce," notes Dr. David Fassler, Clinical Professor at the University of Vermont.
4. Put yourself in the child's shoes. Introducing a stepparent usually means introducing other new family members. Siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and extended family can all make up a complex and confusing web of relationships. Be patient as the children deal with this information.
5. Experience new and fun things together. Brenda Rodstrom is confident that a "new family needs to find common interests. Sports, movies, community activities, politics, the environment - and then have some fun!"
