M.O.M. Balance - KarenHarvey's Blog

M.O.M. Balance - KarenHarvey's Blog - SacMomsClub.com http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey ...helping you balance your parenting and your life ...helping you balance your parenting and your life en-us Inner You vs. Outer You http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10564 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10564 Do you sometimes feel like you have a split personality?  If you’re like a lot of moms, who you are on the inside may not match who you are on the outside, and who you know yourself to be may not be the person you want to show the world.  Reconciling the inner you and the outer you can be a challenge, because there are aspects of life that are hard to admit or share.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Here are some common examples of the inner vs. outer differences, and ideas for finding a happy medium:<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Who you see: a woman who needs help, with too many balls in the air.  Everyone wants your time, you feel responsible for too many things (and people!), and it’s overwhelming. <o:p></o:p> Who you want the world to see: a woman who has it all together, who’s endlessly capable, and who can manage whatever ends up on her plate.<o:p></o:p> To find a happy medium: give yourself permission to ask for help.  Often help is there if we look for it, but until we admit that we can’t do everything we aren’t in a position to have anyone else lend a hand.  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10548">See last week’s blog</a>; try to determine what’s most important among your responsibilities, so you can focus on what truly matters to you. You can either delegate the rest or simply set it aside for the time being.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Who you see: a mom who sometimes gets frustrated, raises her voice more often than she’d like, and doesn’t have nearly enough answers to all the parenting conundrums that show up in life.<o:p></o:p> Who you want the world to see: a mom with endless patience, who knows what she’s doing and is comfortable with all her parenting choices.<o:p></o:p> To find a happy medium: recognize that you’re only human, and that none of us have all the answers.  There’s no set manual for mothering, everyone has to learn as they go, and anyone who’s going to judge you for losing your cool or for how you handle a situation may not be someone you want in your life (or, at the very least, someone whose opinion should matter).<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Who you see: a person strapped for cash.<o:p></o:p> Who you want the world to see: a person with plenty of money, who doesn’t worry about every nickel and dime.<o:p></o:p> To find a happy medium: remember that this is a tough time for a lot of families, and no one wants to admit how difficult it is to have money issues.  Bring your own travel mug of coffee to playgroups instead of the $5 Starbucks latte, and don’t be afraid to bring brown bag lunches to the park; the food you make at home will probably be healthier anyway.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Who you see: a wife whose relationship is way on the back burner, with children who get most of your time and energy.<o:p></o:p> Who you want the world to see: a vibrant, sexy woman with a marriage full of passion and free from strife.<o:p></o:p> To find a happy medium: rest assured that most moms of infants and toddlers share your situation.  When you’re raising young children, you may not feel like there’s much left of yourself for anyone else.  This doesn’t diminish the importance of your relationship, however, and it is important to set aside kid-free time to focus on each other, talk about things that have nothing to do with children, and reconnect. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> The common thread throughout these scenarios is embarrassment at being less than perfect, or at being in a challenging situation.  It’s hard to admit when things are difficult in any part of your life, but once you open that dialog you’ll often find that your fellow moms understand exactly what you’re going through.  It takes trust, courage and the right friends to be honest about your struggles, yet the support you stand to gain – and the affirmation that you really aren’t alone – can be priceless.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Look at your life right now and see where the inner you is most different from the outer you that the world sees.  How can you begin to reconcile this, or give yourself the gift of sharing more of yourself with others who can understand and support you?  It can be uncomfortable to open up, but you’ll probably find that many of the moms around you are in similar situations.  Good luck!<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2554">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. Just say NO! http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10548 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10548 With the holidays drawing near, this is an especially good time of year to remember the little word that can keep you from getting completely overwhelmed:  NO!  As a mom, you already have a lot on your plate, and you can get in trouble when you start feeling the need to say yes to every request that comes along.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Why are moms so quick to say yes, even when this is the last thing you want to do?  Here are a few common reasons, along with ideas for deciding whether “yes” is really the answer you want to give.<o:p></o:p> Friendship – Your friend Jane calls and wants you to babysit.  You say yes because friends help each other, and you consider yourself a good friend.<o:p></o:p> BUT is this the third time in the last week that she’s asked you to watch her kids?  If you feel like she’s taking advantage of your willingness to lend a hand, and you haven’t had enough time with your own kids, it’s ok to decline.  Being a good friend doesn’t mean overextending yourself; taking time for yourself or your own family is a legitimate reason to say no.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Wanting to be liked / to fit in – You get invited to a cookie exchange by another mom in a playgroup you’ve joined; you’re on a strict diet and you don’t even like to bake.  You say yes because you don’t want to miss an opportunity to get to know the other moms better, and you’re happy to simply receive the invitation.<o:p></o:p> BUT do you really want to be there?  If not, there will be plenty of other opportunities to spend time with the other moms; give yourself permission to say no.  If you do want to go, nothing says you have to participate in the cookie exchange; you could let the hostess know your situation, or you could buy some yummy-looking cookies from a bakery and put them on a nice plate, and no one will be the wiser.  There’s no reason to create unnecessary work for yourself.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Appearances – One of the moms at preschool asks you to call every parent in the class to help gather prizes for a school fundraiser.  You say yes because you don’t want to look as though you don’t care or aren’t willing to help.<o:p></o:p> BUT are you comfortable doing this?  Do you really have the time to make 30 calls?  If not, decide what you can do (“I don’t have enough time for thirty calls, but I can make ten”) or how much time you can devote (“I’m really no good with phone calls, but I can give you an hour on Tuesday to help wrap prize baskets”), and let that be enough.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Obligation – You’ve been looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving with your immediate family and your best friend, but your in-laws call to invite you over to their home.  You say yes because you don’t want to disappoint anyone, and you feel obligated to make your husband’s family happy.<o:p></o:p> BUT is there give and take?  Are you able to have some holidays with your own family, or at home?  As long as there’s a balance it’s ok to be accommodating, but if you feel like you’re always missing out on celebrations that would be most meaningful to you then it may be time for a conversation with your husband. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Guilt – This is the biggest reason moms say yes when they don’t want to.  Whether to make up for a perceived shortcoming, keep someone happy, or fulfill some nebulous “should,” you say yes because you convince yourself that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own.<o:p></o:p> BUT is it justified?  Sometimes, sometimes not; if you haven’t sat down to play with your child in three days and she asks you to stop what you’re doing and read a story, this is probably a request to honor.  If your child, with a sad face and whiny voice, tells you that “You never do anything fun with me!” only two days after your trip to the zoo and the park, you’re allowed to let the comment go unheeded… with NO guilt.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Motherhood is a balancing act, and often the people around you (especially the little ones) have needs that come before everything else, but these don’t erase your own needs.  Your time, energy and resources are limited, and sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is to give yourself the gift of a well-timed “NO” so that you can say “YES” to something that matters more… even if that something else is simply a little nap or an afternoon off! <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Look at the things you’re saying “yes” to right now – are they all worth your time and attention?  Are there areas where you would benefit from saying “no” a bit more?  Challenge yourself to find one activity, obligation or duty to which you can give yourself permission to say “no” this week, so you can free up a little time for things that are more important to you.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2542">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. Good night, sleep right! http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10524 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10524 It’s hard to believe something as basic as sleep could be so confusing and even controversial for moms.  You worry about helping babies develop healthy sleeping habits and the ability to get themselves to sleep.  With older children, there’s the very real concern that they probably aren’t getting enough sleep.  And for many moms, the bedtime routine itself can be a source of stress.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Here are some common questions and concerns, with ideas and resources you may find helpful:<o:p></o:p> How much sleep does my child need?  Needs vary greatly from child to child, so behavior and signs of tiredness are your best indicator.  On average, a typical newborn will sleep about 16 hours a day.  This decreases to 13 hours for the average 2-year-old, and 10-11 hours per night for a child in grade school.  For more specifics, <a href="http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sleep.htm#sleepdep">click here</a>.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> What’s the best way to put my child to bed?  Should I let my child cry himself to sleep?   This is a loaded issue, and many parents on both sides of the debate feel very strongly about it.  Until a child is at least six months old, you should respond to him when he cries.  He’s too young for “sleep training” and needs the security of having you respond to him right away.  After this, if a child isn’t sleeping well, parents either implement some form of the “cry it out” system, or choose a more child-centered approach to bedtime.  To learn the methods espoused by the leading doctor on each side of the debate, read the article <a href="http://sleep-disorders.suite101.com/article.cfm/dr_ferber_versus_dr_sears">Dr. Ferber vs. Dr. Sears</a>.  For pros and cons of a crib vs. co-sleeping (another hot controversy), <a href="http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sleep.htm#crib">click here</a>.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> What can I do to make bedtime easier?  Consistency is key.  The more predictable the child’s routine, the easier it will be for all of you.  If you sometimes read one story to your child and put her to bed at 7pm, then other times agree to five stories and an 8:30 bedtime, you may be setting yourself up for trouble.  Quiet activities, low lighting and a “winding down” period will help set the right tone. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> How can I help my child sleep better?  Some babies sleep better with white noise in the background, reminding them of sounds from the womb.  Toddlers will sleep better when they aren’t overly tired; a nap can actually help in this regard.  A child who gets too tired may get her second wind (adrenaline surge) and then have difficulty getting to sleep at all.  For older children, try to avoid electronics at bedtime.  Having a tv in the bedroom will typically cause children to get half an hour less sleep per night than if they have no electronic distractions; over a week’s time, this adds up to a significant amount of sleep.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> How can I tell if my child is getting enough sleep?   If he wakes up on his own in the morning, generally stays awake during car rides, maintains a consistent mood throughout the day, then falls asleep easily at night, he’s probably in good shape.  If you have to get him up, and you notice that he gets more moody, over-emotional and irritable as the day progresses, he probably needs more sleep than he’s getting.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Does sleep really matter that much?  Yes. Getting enough sleep helps everything from a child’s attention span to her ability to maintain a healthy weight, not to mention the part sleep plays in disposition and social relationships.  One recent study found that 25% of high school kids reported falling asleep in class on occasion, and these were the kids who also felt too tired to exercise.  Another study of primary school teachers revealed that almost 10% of K-4th grade children were falling asleep in school.  These numbers indicate a serious need for a better night’s sleep.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Observe your children’s sleeping patterns, and their daily behavior relating to sleep.  Are they getting enough sleep?  If not, look for ways to make bedtimes earlier (and easier) and to help kids wind down at the end of the day.  Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but finding ways to help your children sleep better – and enough – is very important. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> <span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA">Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2530">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. Candy, candy everywhere! http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10506 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10506 Ok moms: besides costumes, what’s the first thing you associate with Halloween?  Very likely, candy.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> You may already have children grazing on candy intended for Halloween, and by November 1 you’re likely to be overflowing with acquired trick-or-treat goodies.  It’s hard to keep sugar in check when your house is overflowing with all the candy; what’s a health-conscious mom to do?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Most fall into one of three schools of thought:<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ignore it and it will go away (the candy, that is) – and it will, especially with lots of people helping… possibly in a matter of hours, usually over a period of days.  If you aren’t worried about candy intake, or aren’t prone to excessive snacking yourself, this is fine.  To keep things from getting too out of hand, you can always limit the number of houses you visit during trick-or-treating to begin with, so there isn’t such an overflow of sweets to tempt everyone.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Moderation in all things (the make-it-last approach) – you simply limit candy to a small amount per day.  This is great if everyone has lots of will power, or if your children are young enough for you to be in charge of doling out all the treats.  You may still have candy left well into December, but you get to enjoy it over a long period of time and you won’t have children feeling ill from eating two dozen of their favorite miniature size chocolate bars all at once.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Eat now or forever hold your piece (the use-it-or-lose-it plan) – there are several variations on this, but the common theme is that candy goes away very shortly after Halloween.  Moms have many inventive ways of making this happen:<o:p></o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Picking favorites – have your kids choose a dozen of their absolute favorite goodies, and toss the rest<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">The Great Pumpkin – this concept is similar to the Tooth Fairy.  You leave your candy in a big pile outside the back door (or wherever) and in the morning it’s been replaced by a toy or a dollar or two.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Cash for Candy – you can do this outright, and simply make a deal with your kids (offering $5 for the entire bag, perhaps), or go to a place that will actually give you cash for your treats.  <a href="http://www.lyonsorthodontics.com/staff_fun.asp/">Lyons Orthodontics</a> in El Dorado Hills and Citrus Heights and select locations of <a href="http://www.rosevilledentist.com/">A+ Personalized Dental Care</a>  in Roseville and Lincoln, among others, will give you $1/lb for candy, then send the candy on to troops overseas.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">The looming deadine – simply tell the kids that on Monday all the candy will be tossed, sent to the office, or otherwise disposed of.  Then run and hide (perhaps taking a Milky Way bar with you).<o:p></o:p></li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> Your assignment:  Decide what you want to do – if anything! – about the Halloween candy that will soon fill your home.  If you plan to limit candy, think about how to do this as easily as possible, and be sure your kids know what to expect so there aren’t any terrible surprises.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2518">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. FOOD for thought http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10487 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10487 This is not the easiest season to think about healthy food choices.  The span from mid-October through December is loaded with sweets and treats of all kinds, lots of extra calories and an abundance of opportunities to overeat.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Looking at this a different way, however, there couldn’t be a better time to focus on making nutritional choices that are good for you and your family.  There are always reasons, justifications and rationalizations for eating poorly, and “the time of year” is high on this list; here are some ways to address this and other common obstacles to better eating:<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">It’s too hard this time of year.  There does seem to be a greater abundance of food now than at other times, but there’s never a perfect time to make changes.  If you want to have five servings of every dish at Thanksgiving, or eat a pound of Halloween candy, you still can – but why not make healthier choices the rest of the time?<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">I don’t have time for reading labels.  You don’t have to spend a lot of time, because there are just a few key things to look for – trans fats, hydrogenated fats, and/or lots of ingredients you can’t pronounce.  Over time, trans fats double a woman’s risk of heart disease, and a recent <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placetype w:st="on">University</st1:placetype> of <st1:placename w:st="on">Maryland</st1:placename></st1:place> study found evidence of high cholesterol and blood fats in children as young as eight years old.  The less processed food in your diet, the better.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">I know I should buy more organic food, but it’s really expensive.  It can be, but some food is more important to buy organic than others.  For a list of fruits and veggies that generally have higher concentrations of pesticides, click here.  <a href="http://www.foodnews.org/EWG-shoppers-guide-download-final.pdf">http://www.foodnews.org/EWG-shoppers-guide-download-final.pdf</a><o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">My kids want the food they see advertised on TV, just like all their friends eat.  Start explaining to your children at a young age why good nutrition is so important, and model healthy choices yourself.  Your kids don’t have to forego all the food they love, but moderation is important.  Pretzels, nuts and popcorn are better than most “junk food,” and kids often like these.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">I don’t have time to cook; fast food is easy and quick.  Yes, but most of it is loaded with fat, calories and little nutritional value, especially if the food is fried.  If you need to grab something on the fly, a sandwich shop (Subway, Quiznos, etc.) is often a healthier bet.  Some moms keep frozen dinners on hand; these cost less than going out, can be heated up quickly, and give you better nutritional options than standard fast food fare.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">I’m not ready to make drastic changes.  Nor do you have to. An “all or nothing” approach to healthy eating is unlikely to work for most families; look for small changes that are sustainable over time.  For instance, if you did nothing more than cut out one can of soda a day (or 12 oz. of fruit juice, which has the same amount of sugar), you’d save yourself… are you ready?… almost 55,000 calories a year (reducing your weight by15 pounds, all else being equal).<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">My kids don’t like to drink water.  Once they’re used to lots of sweetened beverages, this can be a challenge.  Young children who are just beginning to drink from a bottle or sippy cup, however, are usually happy to drink water, but parents don’t offer it, thinking that some other choice will be more to the child’s liking.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">If I’m only going to do one thing, what really matters?  Aim to offer your family a balanced overall diet, whenever possible, with lots of fruits and vegetables and only limited sugar and fat.  This won’t always happen, but if unhealthy meals are the exception rather than the rule then you’re heading in the right direction.<o:p></o:p></li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> Eating healthier can feel daunting, but remember that every single step you make toward a healthier diet for your family will make a big difference over time.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Pick one thing you can do this week to improve your family’s diet in some small way.  Look at labels a little more carefully, buy healthier snacks, look into organic options, or just try to drink more water.  Every change matters!<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2513">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.<o:p></o:p> Dream a little (or not so little) dream http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10481 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10481 Do you have a dream?  Not a kid-related dream (though of course you’d love for your toddler to be potty trained and for all your children to get along perfectly), but rather a dream just for you?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> It’s sometimes tough in the midst of motherhood to see beyond the present moment at all.  Days and even weeks can pass in a flurry of diapers, naps and playdates, and a mom’s busy schedule doesn’t leave you much time and energy to focus on dreams, but that doesn’t lessen their importance.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Having something to look forward to makes you a happier person and helps remind you of who you are on the inside, apart from all your other roles – mother, wife, friend and so forth.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> If time, money and children were no obstacles, what would you love to have or do in your life?  Here are some questions to get you thinking about some possible dreams:<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> ·         Where have you always wanted to travel (or return to)?<o:p></o:p> ·         What would you enjoy learning (a language, computer programming, how to fuse glass)?<o:p></o:p> ·         What career aspirations do you have for when your kids are older?<o:p></o:p> ·         What physical challenge might you want to undertake (climb a mountain, run a marathon, learn to ballroom dance)?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> When you consider these questions, what stands out for you?  Can you pinpoint one desire that calls to you more than the others?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> When you come up with a new potential undertaking, beware of the voice of practicality in your head, which can cut your enthusiasm off at the pass.  You might tell yourself that your dream costs too much, say, or is too difficult, or just doesn’t make sense.  And while there may be some valid obstacles to overcome, what's most likely to hold you back is simply an unjustified fear of change, of doing something different or reaching for an achievement that seems too far out of your grasp.  This is why action of some kind is so important; knowing that you’re taking even tiny steps in the direction of your dream is what brings it into the realm of the possible.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Think about what one thing you could do to begin moving toward your dream.  Suppose you’d love to run a marathon; you could talk to other moms that have done it, find out about how to train, or commit to waking up early one morning a week and jogging to begin getting in shape.  Or maybe you want to visit <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Paris</st1:place></st1:city>.  You could read books to learn about the city, talk to a travel agent, or start setting aside a little cash; if you saved only $10 a week, in 3 or 4 years you’d have enough money to take your trip.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> The most important thing isn’t to know exactly how or when you’ll achieve your dream, but to have one at all.  To have something that you’re working toward in some tiny way, even very slowly, even far out on the horizon, can give you fulfillment and deep personal satisfaction.  In the midst of all the motherhood mayhem, it gives you something that’s all yours.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Spend a little time thinking about your own dream, if you already have one, or ask yourself questions to figure out what it might be.  Once you have an idea, decide on one tiny step you can make in the direction of this dream.  You may be surprised to find that it isn’t so far out of reach.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2503">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. A penny saved... http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10460 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10460 So, how’s your budget doing these days?  Fall can be an expensive time anyway, and the recession is making this year even harder than usual for a lot of families.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> If you haven’t given much thought to the financial pitfalls awaiting you over the next couple of months, this is the perfect time to take stock.  When you contemplate spending you probably jump ahead to either Christmas or Hanukah, but even Halloween and Thanksgiving can take quite a toll on your pocketbook if you purchase costumes, candy and decorations, or buy food to make a feast for a large group.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> A little planning ahead can make a big difference in the amount of debt you incur (or not) by January.  The first thing to do is decide as a family on a budget for each holiday, then look for ways to make your dollars stretch as far as possible.  Here are some simple ideas:<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> October<o:p></o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Decide, very soon, what your children will be for Halloween.  Many thrift stores have a good assortment of costumes and/or props right now, and you can put together an outfit much more easily (and less expensively) than if you have to buy a costume for retail price the week of Halloween.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Try to purchase your candy all at once, and do the same with decorations.  If you buy candy over a period of time you can end up spending more than you wanted to, and having more than you need.  Buy treats close to Halloween, so they don’t mysteriously vanish before the big night arrives.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">For some great inexpensive decorating ideas, see <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/creatress/10455">Creatress’ blog</a> this week.  </li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> November<o:p></o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">If you’re going to be hosting Thanksgiving, think about how much food you need to make and decide how much you want to spend on a ham or turkey.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Choose your menu early, so you can take advantage of the sales many stores have on Thanksgiving staples.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Get your kids involved in the decorating.  For dozens of inexpensive Thanksgiving crafts, check out <a href="http://familyfun.go.com/arts-and-crafts/season/specialfeature/thanksgiving_crafts_ms/">Family Fun’s website</a>.  If you have loved ones overseas, get holiday packages in the mail now – you can save a huge amount of money by avoiding last minute expedited shipping.<o:p></o:p></li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> December<o:p></o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Decide how much you want to spend on each child, and how to divide funds between large and small gifts, the fun and the practical.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Think about your options for adults in your household.  Do you all want to exchange gifts, would you rather pare down and focus more on the children, or might you do a special activity together and forego all the adult presents? <o:p></o:p></li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Look at alternatives to standard gifts.  Maybe your best friend really needs help cleaning out her closet, or your mom could use a hand sorting through old photos.  Time spent helping someone can often be the perfect gift.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Remember the stockings.  It’s both unpleasant and costly to realize on Christmas Eve that you’ve completely forgotten about stocking stuffers.  Pick up inexpensive goodies whenever you come across them and you’ll be well prepared.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in">Set aside money for the many seasonal expenses other than gifts, such as new outfits, travel costs, and even holiday cards.  Buying and mailing large quantities of cards can become very costly.  Are there people you could send an e-card to or call instead of sending a traditional card?  <o:p></o:p></li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> This time of year can bring so much joy when you have young children, and you don’t want financial concerns to intrude on this.  By making a budget and planning ahead, you can focus more of your attention on your kids and on making wonderful memories together.    <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Look at your finances from now until the end of the year, and decide how much you want to spend on each of the upcoming holidays for food, gifts, activities, and all the other expenses.  If money is tight, decide which expenditures are most important to you and how you can save enough for the things that matter most to your family.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2495">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. I feel pretty...? http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10442 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10442 “I want to look just like you when I grow up,” your daughter says to you.  What’s your immediate response?  Can you graciously accept the compliment, or do you have to stop yourself from negating her words, saying something to the affect of, “No, honey, you really don’t”?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> If you’re like a lot of moms, even if your daughter is too young to have bought in to society’s standard of beauty, your own standard may be impossibly high, and may be teaching lessons you’d never want to impart.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> This is a difficult topic, especially if you have a hard time accepting your own looks, but the epidemic of eating disorders among very young girls and the use of plastic surgery on teenagers points to the need to start early sending the right messages to children.  Here are some questions to consider:<o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">What do you say out loud about your own appearance?  Are you generally critical or kind to yourself?  <o:p></o:p></li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Are there flaws you feel compelled to share with everyone?  Do you often talk about your weight, your hair, or body parts you’d like to change?<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in">Is it hard for you to accept compliments or to acknowledge things about your looks that you’re happy about?<o:p></o:p></li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> Recognize that your child is a sponge, and will absorb the attitudes and beliefs that you share, whether healthy or not, and generally apply these same concepts to herself.  If you allow her to see you feeling good about how you look, and accepting yourself as you are, you’re allowing her a much greater chance of adopting these same ideas.  It can feel uncomfortable acknowledging your own positive attributes (“Wow – my hair looks great today!”), but doing this can help your daughter to feel more comfortable seeing what’s right with her own looks.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> If your daughter is old enough to understand these issues in greater depth, here are some ideas:<o:p></o:p> <ul style="MARGIN-TOP: 0in" type="disc"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Talk to her about pictures in magazines, and explain the difference between reality and airbrushed perfection.  <a href="http://www.dove.us/#/features/videos/default.aspx[cp-documentid=7049579]/">There’s a great little video entitled “Evolution” on the Dove website</a> that shows how an ordinary girl is transformed into a completely fabricated billboard model.  <o:p></o:p></li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Have an honest discussion about appearance.  Focus on what you like about yourself, inside and out, and encourage your daughter to do the same.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Ask her what her friends think about beauty.  Depending on her age, you’re likely to hear some surprising answers.  By talking about these issues, you can help her process her feelings, and perhaps debunk some of her unrealistic beliefs or expectations.<o:p></o:p> </li> <li class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; COLOR: black; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in">Be sure that your comments to her about her looks and features are as positive as you can make them.  Even if you have a legitimate concern – perhaps your daughter is heavier than she should be, for instance – address the issue without making it a focal point.  You don’t want her to see herself as fundamentally flawed just because she has an area that needs to be addressed.<o:p></o:p></li> </ul> <o:p></o:p> These issues impact your sons as well; the messages you give about beauty and acceptable appearance can play a significant part in how they view women later in life.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> The next time your daughter tells you she wants to look like you, look her right in the eye and tell her that that would be just wonderful.  And believe it.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Consider how you feel about your own appearance, and your children’s, and what messages your words and actions convey about how you or they are “supposed to” look.  If necessary, focus on how you can create more positive messages, and talk to your daughters, especially, about realistic standard of beauty.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2484">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum. I love you just the way you are http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10428 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10428 If you’ve listened to much music from the 70’s, you probably know the Billy Joel song that contains these lyrics.  The gist of it is that the person the singer loves doesn’t need to change or do anything different to earn his love; she’s perfect just as she is.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> The ballad is meant to be a romantic song, but its message is relevant for moms as well – loving your children unconditionally means loving them just the way they are, and not wanting them to change to be the children you want them to be.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> This is fairly easy when you're dealing with a child you understand well, who shares your personality and values and does what you ask; the challenge is when you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t fit this description, who you don’t understand so well, and who you see as more difficult.  That’s when you might start thinking, “If only Bobby would do _____, everything would be so much better.”  But is the missing ingredient within Bobby’s ability to do something about, or does it simply reflect who the child is?  Correcting behavior is your responsibility; controlling your child isn’t.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> There’s a fine line here, because your job is not only to love your children but also to raise each to be a responsible and productive adult; this task involves a great deal of molding and shaping.  The tricky part is fundamentally accepting each child for who he is, as this molding and shaping takes place.  It isn’t fair to expect your shy child to become an expert at socializing with strangers, for example, or to disregard her preferences because they don’t match yours.  When you have one child who is “easy” and one child who isn’t, you might assume the second child is deliberately “difficult,” and try to get him to be just like the easier child – but it won’t work, and it also gives him the message that he’s not as good as the other child, and perhaps that your love for him is more conditional. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> It’s tough to have a child that doesn’t match your expectations in some way.  If you’ve always been a great musician, say, and your child has no musical ability whatsoever, it’s hard not to try and push the child in that direction anyway, because it’s what YOU want for her.  Unless an attribute that you perceive as a shortcoming is something that will negatively impact her life, however, you’re best to try and look the other way.  Is there a gift to be found in the “shortcoming”?  Is there another way you could look at it?  As much as you can, identify what’s right with the child, and what you’re proud of, and put your focus there.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your child will feel better about himself throughout his life when he’s given the message that he’s good enough exactly the way he is.  He needs to know that you’ll never give up on him, and that he’ll always have your love and support (even when it may be hard for you to give it).<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Everyone, big and small, wants to feel capable and smart, valued and appreciated, and loved just the way they are.  If you see your children's potential, consistently focus on the positive and let them know you truly believe in them, you’re helping them to do and be their best and giving them the highest possible odds of success.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  <span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><span style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA">Is it sometimes difficult for you to accept your child as he is?  Do you find yourself wanting to change him in some fundamental way?  Take a step back and see how you can address issues and redirect behavior without expecting your child to be someone he isn’t.  Pay more attention to his positive traits, being less controlling and more accepting.  <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2474">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.<o:p></o:p> What you (expect to) see is what you get http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10401 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/KarenHarvey/10401 When you look at your child, what do you see?  A precious little person who is infinitely capable, a stubborn kid who does everything the hard way, an angelic brother or sister, a headstrong child who never listens…?<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> If you have infants or toddlers, it’s relatively easy to focus on how cute they are, how much they’re learning, and all the new things they can do.  But as kids get older, and begin to display traits or attitudes that you don’t care for, it can sometimes be easier to notice what’s wrong with a child than what’s right.  The behaviors you don’t like – the poor table manners, complaining, difficulty sharing – irritate you, so these are what stand out. <o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> The trouble happens when these “problem areas” become a focus, and you start expecting your child to act in undesirable ways.  A mom might say something like, “It’s awful taking Johnny to the park; he’s always mean to the other kids and he never listens when it’s time to leave.”  If Johnny hears this, he may well accept it as a fact, and reinforce everything the mother has just said.  Even if he doesn’t hear the message directly, the mother’s tone of voice and behavior toward him will convey her expectations and likely set up her son to fail.  She expects Johnny to behave badly and not listen, which can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> This is not to say that Johnny isn’t hard to deal with at the park or that the mother is to blame for her child’s poor behavior, simply to acknowledge that expectations – either negative or positive – can play a large roll in determining an outcome.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> If the mom in the above example instead says to Johnny, “I know that today at the park you’re going to be kind to the other children, and that you’ll come when I tell you we have to leave,” and believes it, she’s a lot more likely to see this outcome.  Even if she doesn’t, she’s sending the message to Johnny that he can do better, and that she believes in him, which over time is likely to positively impact his choices.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Henry Ford has a quote you’ve undoubtedly heard: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”  To a child, you as a mom are often the voice that gives one message or the other, and tells him what he is or isn’t able to do.  Children will try to live up to the expectations of their parents as best they can, whether those expectations are positive or negative, empowering or limiting.  To rephrase Ford’s words: whether you expect your children to succeed or expect them to fall short, you’re right.  Expect the best!<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Your assignment:  Think about the expectations you have of your child, and notice areas where you tend to expect negative outcomes.  Look for opportunities to turn these around and set more positive expectations, even when the odds are against you.  Your child will benefit from your faith in her, and may surprise you by living up to your expectations.<o:p></o:p> <o:p> </o:p> Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  <a href="http://www.sacmomsclub.com/bb/viewtopic.php?id=2461">Share your ideas and thoughts</a> at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.