A Dad's Point-of-View - BruceSallan's Blog - SacMomsClub.com

A Dad's Point-of-View - BruceSallan's Blog - SacMomsClub.com http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. en-us A Moral Dilemma and Lesson- A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10826 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10826 <meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type" /> <meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Generator" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Originator" /> <link href="file:///C:DOCUME~1jburkeLOCALS~1Tempmsohtml11clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List" /><style type="text/css">  </style> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Moral Dilemma and Lesson <o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Life often gives us opportunities to choose between right and wrong. I faced this head on recently when I discovered that one of the web-sites that carry my column had a very radical anti-Israel agenda. At first, I didn’t even realize how marginal and fanatical it was. Since my focus is not on politics, I just didn’t vet this web-site sufficiently, given my naïveté, when I first began distributing my column.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The fact that the editor was extraordinarily gracious and accommodating further lured me into not even considering that his site’s politics may be against my beliefs.<span style="">  </span>Plus, his web site had a large following, which at the early stages of my writing career was very exciting.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">But, I recently learned that their site was promoting an agenda that was angry, hateful, dishonest, distorted, and frankly so on the fringe as to be dismissed by any normal person of the left or right.<span style="">  </span>I often don’t agree with our mainstream media and believe today’s journalism often has an agenda, but most of our news outlets don’t spew hatred, just possibly a different opinion than I might share.<span style="">  </span>And, that is what makes America great--that we can have different opinions and they’re not censored.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">At first, when I read this article, filled with lies and hate about Israel, I thought it was a mistake. It was in the category of holocaust denial and it was that hate-filled. I wrote the editor and incredulously asked how such an article could appear on his web-site. The response equally shocked to me as he not only defended the article, but also elaborated on his hate for Israel, citing more distortions and fanatical lies.<span style="">  </span>The irony was that he expressed those feelings in the same oddly supportive and friendly manner in which we’d always communicated.<span style="">  </span>But, this time, the content was horrifying.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I then decided to do some homework and wrote to several friends that I trust who would know more about these issues, including a rabbi friend who lives in Israel.<span style="">  </span>Rabbi Mann is an American who made “aliyah” (that means moving to Israel) many years ago, met his (American) wife there, and had about a dozen children, as many religious people of all faiths tend to do.<span style="">  </span>He is a scholar and every one of his children is accomplished, well educated, and inspiring.<span style="">  </span>And, by now, even though he’s a few years younger than I, he’s a grandfather many times over.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">He, too, responded in a moderate tone but was explicitly clear that the writer of the article was a known and blatant anti-semite, that the outlet was also well known as fringe and radical, disseminating facts that are boldfaced lies.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I got the same feedback from the other friends/experts that I contacted.<span style="">  </span>What to do was evident, but I still thought I’d give the editor a chance to “see the light.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I also wanted to discuss this situation with Will and David and get their take on what their dad should do.<span style="">  </span>To me, it was an opportunity to find out if the values I’ve taught them had actually made it to their own belief systems.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I wrote the editor again and suggested that he publish a contrary point of view, from a reliable expert, that might be more even-handed about the Middle East.<span style="">  </span>I offered several specific suggestions. His reply ignored my request and continued his largely irrational, angry, and fanatical views.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That evening, I presented the situation to my sons.<span style="">  </span>Before I could finish the details, they were both adamant that I drop that web-site, regardless of the loss of readers/audience.<span style="">  </span>My decision had already been made but I felt great pride that they had indeed digested and were sharing my values and view of the world. They recognized right and wrong, regardless of the personal price it cost. The passion and clarity my sons displayed on this issue was worth the pain of discovering it in the first place.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My wife was in complete agreement so we were fully united as a family unit in making this moral choice.<span style="">  </span>I wrote a polite e-mail to the editor asking that all my material be removed from his web-site, as I wouldn’t be associated, implicitly or explicitly, with a venue representing those radical views.<span style="">  </span>Thankfully, he graciously complied, expressing regret at my decision and leaving the door open should I change my mind.<span style="">  </span>I won’t.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For me, this was a great lesson in doing the right thing vs. self-interest and in taking a bad situation and turning it into a teaching moment for my family. It reinforced that I have a wonderful network of friends to turn to and a great family that supports my work. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><font size="2"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. And, you can also follow Bruce at Twitter: </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://twitter.com/BruceSallan"><span style="text-decoration: none;">http://twitter.com/BruceSallan</span></a>.</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><o:p></o:p></span></font></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> "A Cornucopia of Unrelated Revelations": A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10809 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10809 <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>A Cornucopia of Unrelated Revelations<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">1.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">I text when I drive?<span style="">  </span>My younger son gets crazy on me and points it out in the same way I’d point out a mistake or poor choice he’d make.<span style="">  </span>It doesn’t give me much credibility when I continue this dangerous and foolish behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">2.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Why is it that our kids seem so much more aware of life (e.g. sex) yet seem to mature later and leave the house even later?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">3.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Does anyone have dinner parties anymore?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">4.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Has modern technology made our lives easier or more complicated?<span style="">  </span>It was touted, especially computers, as the panacea for the busy person.<span style="">  </span>I think it’s backfired totally as everyone is more overwhelmed today. Do you remember when you got your first answer machine and thought that was cool?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">5.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Kids go on group dates these days.<span style="">  </span>I never recall going on a group date.<span style="">  </span>There were groups I was part of through camp, team sports, and such, but when and why did this group dating thing begin?<span style="">  </span>And, I gather it’s a big deal for proms as well.<span style="">  </span>I think I’d rather have my date alone, as it was in “the day,” to quote my teenager when talking about when I grew up.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">6.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Did you ever have a pen pal and look forward to getting the mail just to check if you’d received a letter from them?<span style="">  </span>Do you remember writing letters longhand and taking pleasure in reading a response, from someone you liked as a friend or more, repeatedly, and saving them in a special place?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">7.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Why does time seem to go faster the older we get?<span style="">  </span>My theory is simple.<span style="">  </span>Obviously, time is finite, but our perception of it changes as we get older and our lifetime is shorter.<span style="">  </span>So, if your lifespan is 90 and you’re 9 years old, you have 90% of your life ahead of you.<span style="">  </span>On the other hand, if you’re 45, you only have 50% remaining.<span style="">  </span>Consequently, your perspective changes as we age.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">8.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Thank you “Rock Band” for making a Beatles version, ‘cause now my kids <em style="">finally</em> like The Beatles and we can all sing-a-long.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">9.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;">      </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;">What happened to nice neighbors?<span style="">  </span>When did everyone become so confrontational and when did HOAs (Home Owners Associations) get so crazy with their totalitarian-like rules, fines, and enforcement?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">10.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style=""> </span>I love real life gender related stories that show the inherent differences between the sexes.<span style="">  </span>When the movie version of “Where the Wild Things Are” came out, Will’s girlfriend and her girlfriends all wanted to see it.<span style="">  </span>Will and his buddies all said “Yech” and came over and watched all four “Die Hard” movies instead.<span style="">  </span>Classic.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">11.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style=""> </span>During the baseball playoffs, the boys and I were listening to a Dodgers game on the radio.<span style="">  </span>David, not a sports fan, heard Vin Scully’s voice doing the play-by-play and said “this sounds like something from the thirties or forties.”<span style="">  </span>Another classic moment.<span style="">  </span>I don’t think Mr. Scully has been around <em style="">that</em> long?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">12.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style=""> </span>The other morning, as every morning, I took my three dogs for a walk.<span style="">  </span>My oldest dog, Tache, began limping on the way home.<span style="">  </span>I put down my very full bag of poop, and knelt down next to her and lifted one of her paws.<span style="">  </span>There was a burr in it.<span style="">  </span>I removed it; she looked at me, and then trotted off.<span style="">  </span>As I was about to get up, I saw a shiny new penny, heads up, right where I’d stopped.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">13.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style=""> </span>This past Veteran’s Day, my wife and I encountered a man at the (car) body shop.<span style="">  </span>His license plate read something like “5871PH” and it turned out that was his Purple Heart number.<span style="">  </span>He related a couple of “war stories” and we patiently listened, laughed and cried, and let him know how much he was appreciated.<span style="">  </span>Turned out to be a great way to celebrate Veteran’s Day.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">14.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">  </span>My wife likes to tell me what to do, likes to complain how what I’m doing is the wrong way and otherwise likes to boss me around. But, for a recent day or so, she was off her game and hadn’t said a critical word. Was she well?<span style="">  </span>What was going on?<span style="">  </span>Well, at the <em style="">exact</em> moment I was thinking that, while making my morning coffee, she pipes up with, “I liked it better when you had your coffee machine square (rather than the angle I now use) as I had more counter space.” I started laughing and pretty much couldn’t stop.<span style="">  </span>You like it square vs. at an angle?<span style="">  </span>Are you kidding me?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">15.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style=""> </span>I was at the gym on November 18, 2009 and saw the following on HLN (CNN’s sister News Channel):<span style="">  </span>“More Drink, More Sex in Co-Ed Dorms?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Now, there was no sound but I could guess what the story was about as the headline was abundantly clear: some study or report “discovered” that there was more drinking and more sex in co-ed gyms. <em style=""><span style=""> </span>Duh? </em>Can you believe the investigative journalism going on?<span style="">  </span>What a shocker! Edward Murrow is rolling over in his grave.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="">16.<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style=""> </span>I’m going to reveal a little secret—please don’t tell my wife as she’ll flip<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">out.<span style="">  </span>As she rarely reads my columns, I think my secret is safe.<span style="">  </span>Hmmm, but her parents do so please, K&E, don’t mention this to her. We live on a large property in a very rural area of our city.<span style="">  </span>As we have three dogs, I often take them for walks.<span style="">  </span>I don’t know how this began, but I occasionally join my big dog, always walked on a leash, and urinate with him somewhere in the bushes.<span style="">  </span>Call this a primitive bonding ritual, but it gives me a kick.<span style="">  </span>So we’re agreed, the secret is safe?</span></p> <br /> <p style="margin-left: 0.5in;" class="MsoNormal" /> <p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><font size="1"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. And, you can also follow Bruce at Twitter: </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://twitter.com/BruceSallan"><span style="text-decoration: none;">http://twitter.com/BruceSallan</span></a>.</span></font><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan: Taking Risks: When, How, and If http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10795 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10795 <link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:UsersOwnerAppDataLocalTempmsohtmlclip1�1clip_filelist.xml" /> <link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:UsersOwnerAppDataLocalTempmsohtmlclip1�1clip_themedata.thmx" /> <link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:UsersOwnerAppDataLocalTempmsohtmlclip1�1clip_colorschememapping.xml" /><style type="text/css"></style> <p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Taking Risks: When, How, and If<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We went on a family skiing trip recently and on my son’s first run of the season, he fell and broke his arm.<span style="">  </span>Thankfully, it was a clean hairline fracture and he should heal just fine.<span style="">  </span>It may take his ego a bit longer to recover, as he was trying to follow his girlfriend when he fell.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">He recuperated and relaxed at the condo while the rest of our group continued to ski and enjoy the trip.<span style="">  </span>I resumed my regular skiing antics which include doing tricks that are mostly done by kids half my age or younger.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Lots of sports have risks attached to them. When, as a parent, should we limit our kid’s activities and when should we show restraint? I do enjoy pushing my limits on skis, as I do tricks in the terrain park on the half-pipe (see attached photo), jumps, boxes, as well as hard mogul and/or steep runs.<span style="">  </span>I’ve also gone heli-skiing where there is the omnipresent danger of avalanches.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In fact, the first time I went heli-skiing, back in the day before the Internet or personal computers existed, I was caught in an avalanche, broke a rib, and had to be flown out the next day.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Last season, I inexplicably fell in the half-pipe and woke up in a ski gurney with a patrol-person holding up fingers and asking me, “how many.”<span style="">  </span>I was knocked unconscious and, to this day, I still don’t remember exactly what happened. I dislocated my shoulder from landing literally upside down and I broke a couple bones in my shoulder, as well as had a concussion in spite of wearing a helmet.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">My neurologist said I was lucky as my MRI was worse than patients of his with genuine brain damage.<span style="">  </span>And, yes, I was wearing a helmet.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Am I being irresponsible doing these things?<span style="">  </span>My wife thinks I am and should “slow down.”<span style="">  </span>I maintain that there are worse and greater risks just driving the freeways, and that being in good shape has allowed me to survive my few accidents relatively unscathed.<span style="">  </span>Okay, she still maintains that my last fall only aggravated existing brain damage (just joking).<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So, if we are not to be hypocrites in front of our kids, what are the risk limits? I assert that there are things that are too dangerous and shouldn’t be done by any family members--drugs, drinking, parachuting, motorcycles, bungee jumping, hang-gliding, and calling a woman a “girl.”<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I have always maintained that our kids see what we do and our role modeling is their teacher, much of the time. Therefore, it behooves us to also realize that the risks we take may encourage them to take similar or different ones. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Will and David are not particularly athletic, as David enjoys and excels at art while Will is a remarkable rock ‘n’ roll musician, playing drums, guitar, and singing.<span style="">  </span>Naturally, with this current injury, he’s sidelined for a while and has in fact stated that he may not bother snowboarding again due to its risk to his ability to play music.<span style="">  </span>His interest was always negligible.<span style="">  </span>David, on the other hand, does enjoy skiing, and is following in my footsteps as he gradually is improving and beginning to want to do the same “tricks” that I do.<span style="">  </span>He stated, on this trip, that he hopes to jump higher and get “more air” in the pipe than I do.<span style="">  </span>I replied that I hope he does.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">When I was a teen, I wanted a motorcycle more than I wanted a girlfriend. And, believe me, my hormones were in full gear so the desire for a girlfriend was strong.<span style="">  </span>My parents forbade any discussion of a motorcycle. As I believed I was invulnerable and accidents only happen to other people, I was angry and wouldn’t let up in my pleas to get one. They held their ground and I respect their position especially knowing how fervent I was in trying to persuade them otherwise.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Now, as is so often the case, I’ve become my parents and hold the same line on motorcycles and other things that I perceive to be too dangerous.<span style="">  </span>We witness our neighbor’s son regularly riding his motorcycle around the neighborhood, popping wheelies, and rarely wearing his helmet.<span style="">  </span>I’ve spoken with his father, who insists that his son wear the helmet, and punishes him for a day or so each time he learns he isn’t wearing one.<span style="">  </span>But, his teen is back out there soon riding around without the helmet.<span style="">  </span>I no longer inform his dad as it’s clear that his ground rules are much more lenient than mine.<span style="">  </span>For me, if I allowed my boys to ride a motorcycle, they’d get one warning if I found them without a helmet.<span style="">  </span>After a second warning, their bike would be sold.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I’m grateful that my sons are not pushing me about motorcycles the way I pushed my parents.<span style="">  </span>I’m happier to provide a drum set (I can wear ear-plugs), new guitars, and all the art supplies they want.<span style="">  </span>In the meantime, I’ll still be doing the pipe, taking my calculated risks, and supporting my sons in making those decisions for themselves within safe parameters.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:UsersOwnerAppDataLocalTempmsohtmlclip1�1clip_filelist.xml" /> <link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:UsersOwnerAppDataLocalTempmsohtmlclip1�1clip_themedata.thmx" /> <link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:UsersOwnerAppDataLocalTempmsohtmlclip1�1clip_colorschememapping.xml" /><style type="text/css"></style></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12pt;"><font size="2"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. And, you can also follow Bruce at Twitter: </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><a href="http://twitter.com/BruceSallan"><span style="text-decoration: none;">http://twitter.com/BruceSallan</span></a>.</span></font><span style="font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p> </p>

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A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan - The Best Thing About Getting Older Is… http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10770 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10770 <div align="center"><font size="3"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong><br /> <strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></strong><br /> </font><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><font size="3">The Best Thing About Getting Older Is…</font><o:p></o:p></span></strong><br /> </div> <p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><font size="3"><o:p><br /> </o:p>I had lunch with a good friend the other day and the subjects we covered really made an impact on me, as I reflected on them.<span style="">  </span>I had just come from a lesson in using social media, where I’m learning the new technologies that are popular in our culture now, such as Twitter, Facebook, Linkenin, Smart Phones, I-everythings, etc. <o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>While I’m not a total novice, I do admit that every time a new “thing” comes out, it fills me with dread. I face having to learn it, figure it out, and even understand it.<span style="">  </span>Frankly, I did not “get” Twitter at all until my lessons finally penetrated my middle-aged, failing hard-drive of a brain.<span style="">  </span>And that was also after reading “Twitter for Dummies”--and I’m not kidding.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>My friend shared with me that he’d heard that every generation now has a six-year shelf life, meaning that every six years, you will be out-of-date and behind the current level of technology.<span style="">  </span>So, his 10-year-old was losing to a four-year-old.<span style="">  </span>It’s mind-boggling the speed of these changes in all our lives. And our children are growing up in the midst of it, knowing nothing different. <o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>My boys don’t tweet, and aren’t interested. They text non-stop and do it at speeds I can’t even fathom.<span style="">  </span>Where did they learn this?<span style="">  </span>It’s mostly all thumbs vs. traditional typing, though their phones have typing pads that are laid out in the traditional way, albeit just a bit smaller. They don’t bother with voicemail, saying that they see who called with the “missed call” function and therefore don’t bother.<span style="">  </span>It’s the same when I call them.<span style="">  </span>They just tell me they’ll see that I called, so they don’t listen to my messages, which I’ve stopped leaving, as I’ve had to adapt to their ways.<span style="">  </span><o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>My biggest fear is that I’ve already become just like my parents, who could never figure out how to program their VCR, no matter how many times I impatiently taught them. I wrote it out, and I even made a video for them with step-by-step instructions. Now, I ask my younger son to program our DVR, as I always seem to forget how to do it.<span style="">  </span>It’s payback time, I suppose.<span style="">  </span><o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>My friend and I then discussed what I fear will be the most common topic of conversation as we grow older--aging, and all the medical maladies that go with it, starting with our dwindling memories.<span style="">  </span>We each shared stories of what we’d forgotten that day, but then lost our train-of-thought, and hoped the other would remind us. <o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>I stated my belief that our brains are like computer hard-drives and we’ve hit capacity, only unlike a computer hard-drive, there’s no delete button for those un-needed memories that I can’t lose, like the lyrics to “Na Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” (by Steam--I had to look that up on Google, naturally).<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>As we continued our conversation about aging, he took me through his medical mystery tour of trying to figure out how to deal with his genetic cholesterol problem.<span style="">  </span>A master story-teller (he’s a very successful television producer), it was almost like hearing a mystery novel read out loud. He told of his investigation into the various options, all the doctors he visited, and his ultimate discovery that he was among the small percentage of people that had bad side effects from the most commonly prescribed drugs for controlling cholesterol.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>Even pursuing a holistic approach was part of my friend’s journey. That included a special blood work-up from a lab in Florida that analyzed and suggested a diet tailored to his blood type and ethnic and genetic make-up.<span style="">  </span>It included the natural ingredient of red yeast rice instead of the prescribed cholesterol drugs.<span style="">  </span>A miracle occurred as his numbers fell to wonderfully healthy low levels.<span style="">  </span><o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>But, after a couple of months, the same side effects returned of an aching back and soreness.<span style="">  </span>It seems that the red yeast rice had the same side effect as the drugs, so he stopped the yeast but kept up the “special” diet, and shortly thereafter his cholesterol levels were back up, off the charts, and bad.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>A final suggestion from one of the doctors was to try taking omega fish oil.<span style="">  </span>And, after eight years of investigation, numerous doctors, and everyone offering a different theory, this worked.<span style="">  </span>And, it seems to have continued to work.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>As is often the case with a good friend who you don’t see often enough, the lunch didn’t seem to last near long enough to finish all we wanted to talk about and catch up with each other’s lives.<span style="">  </span>I discussed my wife’s similar medical problems, but in the mysterious world of hormones and menopause.<span style="">  </span>She’s been at it for seven years with no end in sight and has similar negative reactions to the most commonly prescribed medicines and treatments.<span style="">  </span>Maybe she’ll discover, via a psychic or healer, a secret herb that will do the trick?<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>All I know is that the discussion made me laugh. I also felt old, and grateful my genetics don’t include similar problems, especially menopause. I can’t help but wonder how the future will affect our children as both technology and medicine evolves? <o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>As for offering the best thing about getting older, I have to admit it has nothing to do with what I’ve discussed in this column. I believe, as we get older, we have the opportunity, if we’ve learned from our mistakes, to handle all our personal relationships better.<span style="">  </span></font><o:p><br /> <br /> <font size="2"><br /> </font></o:p><font size="2">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. And, you can also follow Bruce at Twitter: </font></span><font size="2"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://twitter.com/BruceSallan"><span style="text-decoration: none;">http://twitter.com/BruceSallan</span></a>.</span></font><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> Being Right Is Not Always Good Enough http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10753 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10753 <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong></font></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p>Being Right Is Not Always Good Enough<o:p></o:p></span></strong></font></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><font size="3">How often have you made a choice, in which you knew that you were right, yet it turned out wrong? If we, as adults and parents, can do this, what can we expect from our children, especially our teens?<span style="">  </span><o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>I still can’t get over the fact that human brains don’t fully develop until their early twenties.<span style="">  </span>I learned this from a lecture by Dr. Bruce Powell, dean of a local private school, and expert on raising teenagers. So, for teens, their judgments, empathy, and other functions, like knowing when to keep their mouths shut, just aren’t present.<span style="">  </span>Yet, we expect them to often behave as if they were fully adult.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>Knowing our teen’s limitations is the first step in knowing how to be the best parent you can be. Knowing my own failings and character flaws is further awareness for being that good parent that I’m always trying to be and advocate.<span style="">  </span>In this regard, speaking from experience, letting go of my ego is often the biggest challenge.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>I remember a painful situation when a close male friend disappointed me.<span style="">  </span>A group of us had a big trip planned to Thailand and I allowed my “hurt feelings” to motivate me to come up with a lame excuse to bail out on the trip. Who did I end up hurting, regardless of how “right” I felt?<span style="">  </span><em style="">Only</em> me.<span style="">  </span>When they returned from the trip, glowingly describing the grand adventures they had, I still felt “right” but I was the one that missed out.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>Our kids rarely take the time to mull over a decision and its consequences.<span style="">  </span>Our job is to try to guide them without always lecturing them so that they just turn off the volume.<span style="">  </span>You can always tell when that happens by the blank look on their faces when you’re still droning on, oblivious to their having turned you off long ago.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>So, since our teens don’t have mature brains, literally and figuratively, it is incumbent upon us to teach them that maturity and help them make the right choices.<span style="">  </span>They are too often guided by their “feelings” rather than good common sense--and, to some degree, by their peers. Our kids are more interested in approval of their peers’ than approval of their parents, so it really is like the blind leading the blind.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>A painful example of how this manifests itself took place in our household shortly after the holidays.<span style="">  </span>As we’d all been apart during the Christmas season, when we had our first meal together we continued a Friday-night tradition that our family has of sharing the best and worst things that occurred in the previous week.<span style="">  </span>In this case, we all had many things to share, as we’d been apart for several weeks.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>My wife and younger son began by sharing the many terrific experiences they’d just enjoyed on their trip to Japan and Hong Kong.<span style="">  </span>It was joyful to hear, and I was so glad it turned out well for them.<span style="">  </span>In their absence, I had the chance to have some really long-neglected alone time with my 16-year-old who, for the most part, has been consumed by his self-involved life and his girlfriend.<span style="">  </span>That time was indeed special to both of us.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>So, when it came his turn to “share,” he tactlessly expressed that he was glad that his step-mom and brother were gone, since it gave him some great alone time with his dad.<span style="">  </span>I know what he meant, he knew what he meant, but the words were clearly indelicate and hurt my wife’s feelings.<span style="">  </span>He tried to cover it up, as he saw the look of hurt on her face, but the damage had already been done.<span style="">  </span>I didn’t really recognize the mistake he made until much later, as being his parent since birth, I knew him better, and didn’t at first even see a problem.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>I later realized it was a classic example of the teen brain speaking before thinking.<span style="">  </span>Sadly, my wife took it too much to heart and really allowed his poor choice of words to create an ongoing awkwardness between all of us.<span style="">  </span>And, sadly, I didn’t “get it” soon enough to assuage her feelings and “fix” the situation.<span style="">  </span>Remember, we men always have to “fix” it, if possible. <o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>Who was right and who was wrong was irrelevant, but it became a lesson for my son in learning to think a little bit, before he speaks, and it became a lesson for me in recognizing when my wife might be hurt quicker than I did.<span style="">  </span>I think the ultimate lesson, for all of us, is not to hold onto being right but be more concerned about being kind, thoughtful, and aware of those close to us and how things we do may affect them.<span style="">  </span>I’m still learning.</font><o:p><br /> <br /> <br /> </o:p><font size="2">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. And, you can also follow Bruce at Twitter: </font></span><font size="2"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://twitter.com/BruceSallan"><span style="text-decoration: none;">http://twitter.com/BruceSallan</span></a>.</span></font><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> "A Dad's Point-of-View" column, by Bruce Sallan - "Stick With Your Rules, Even When It's Hard" http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10737 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10737 <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p><br />  </o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Stick With Your Rules, Even When It’s Hard<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <br /> <p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">Nobody promised that being a parent would be easy nor were we assured that we’d get kids that were easy to handle. If you’re like most of us, you face regular challenges to your authority, your rules, and the way you expect your kids to behave. As with much in life, there’s room for compromise, but with parenting I suggest that sticking with your rules defines your values and teaches your children valuable lessons.<span style="">  </span>The first rule must be that you tell the truth.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>It’s a simple idea to tell the truth, but not always so simple to execute in real-life family situations. For instance, what do your kids really hear when you say something like, “If you do this <em style="">fill-in-the-blank</em> thing, you’re gonna be grounded” with stern parental authority. Most kids will interpret that to mean, “Well, I sure hope you won’t do that, but I’ll forgive you when you do because I love you so much and want to be your best friend.”<span style="">  </span>The result?<span style="">  </span>You haven’t told the truth or stood by your word. The kids then <em style="">know</em> they can manipulate you.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>The impact of vacillating on our children is drastic and very harmful. I cannot emphasize enough how much we are role models for our children and how much they learn from our behavior. Our kids watch every move we make and if we waffle on a rule or a threat, then they learn to work that to their benefit.<span style="">  </span>I’ll offer a personal example that has been hard on our family.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>My older son turned 16 in November and he still hasn’t been allowed to get his driver’s permit, let alone his license.<span style="">  </span>At 15½ he was legally allowed to get his permit, but the reason he hasn’t is that when he was about 14, I set a rule that he had to have a “B” average for the privilege of driving.<span style="">  </span>No excuses, no blaming his teachers, no “I’m so close” – he had to bring home a “B” average.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p><br /> <br /> As I explained to him, part of my rationale was that insurance rates are significantly lower for kids with a “B” average. And, since he can’t get his license until six months after getting his permit, regardless of his age upon getting his permit here in California, he has delayed the process substantially with his “B-minus“ grade level!<o:p><br /> </o:p><br /> The irony is that by not wavering on this rule, it has made its implementation almost easy and without any challenges from him. He has acknowledged his own screw-ups with schoolwork and putting off homework assignments, and lazy studying for exams.<span style="">  </span>It has put him in the embarrassing position, among his friends, of not having a permit while so many others have gotten theirs.<span style="">  </span>And, since he now has a girlfriend, it’s doubly embarrassing, as she’s gotten her permit, and a “B” average, even though her birthday is six months after his.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>I feel bad for him. You bet.<span style="">  </span>Will I ease up on my rule?<span style="">  </span>Maybe.<span style="">  </span>But, the maybe includes a compromise that is in essence a version of my original rule. We discussed allowing him to get his permit now, with the “B-minus” average, BUT he won’t be allowed to get his license unless he then makes up the difference with a high enough “B” average next semester that the aggregate is a total of a “B” average.<span style="">  </span><o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>The advantage to him and us if he accepted the revised “rule” is that the six-month countdown can begin and if he makes the grades, he can potentially get his license sooner.<span style="">  </span>It would ease my chauffeur responsibilities if he could drive and I’d love that. The irony is that he’d then have to do even better next semester and, consequently, he was not sure whether to take this offer.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>After presenting him with that option, he chose to stick with the present rule, feeling that he had a better chance at getting the required “B” average, starting fresh this next semester rather than having to get a higher average and get his permit now.<span style="">  </span>That is an interesting choice, but it was his and he’s also learning delayed gratification and his own responsibility in what has happened and he’s not blaming us. It’s a win-win for us parents and maybe a valuable lesson for this particular teen.<o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>The result is that Will knows that I mean business, and that I’m open to compromise, but only if there’s equal balance within any new agreement.<span style="">  </span>I’ve kept my credibility and can even be sympathetic to his sadness at not having his permit, let alone his license several months after his 16<sup>th</sup> birthday.<span style="">  </span>The rule is not “me” and he doesn’t fully tie me to the rule, which is the beauty of it.<span style="">  </span><o:p><br /> <br /> </o:p>So, stick with your rules even if you see the pain and discomfort it causes your children. They learn more from this sort of “pain” than when you give in and spoil them.<span style="">  </span>They learn to trust and respect you and maybe, just maybe, they might take those rules seriously, too.<o:p><br /> <br /> <br /> </o:p><font size="2">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. And, you can also follow Bruce at Twitter: </font></span><font size="2"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://twitter.com/BruceSallan"><span style="text-decoration: none;">http://twitter.com/BruceSallan</span></a>.</span></font><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> Marriage -- It's Complicated - A Dad's Point-of-View http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10725 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10725 <meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type" /><meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId" /><meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Generator" /><meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Originator" /><link href="file:///C:DOCUME~1LANDER~1LOCALS~1Tempmsohtml1�1clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List" /><o:smarttagtype name="country-region" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><style type="text/css"></style><p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p><p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p><p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Marriage -- It’s Complicated<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My wife took me to see Nancy Meyers’ new movie, “It’s Complicated,” which stars Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin.<span style="">  </span>She had seen it a day or two before and wanted to see it with me saying, “It would be good for us.”<span style="">  </span>Honestly, I do tend to like what is typically labeled “chick flicks” but don’t like director Nancy Meyers’ perfect world, perfect rich characters, perfect looking people, dressed and coifed just perfectly.<span style="">  </span>But, for the sake of marital harmony, I agreed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I didn’t expect what followed.<span style="">  </span>Throughout the movie, my wife was jabbing me in the ribs whenever she wanted me to notice a point being made that she felt related to me or us. So, I left with bruised ribs, which ached even more toward the end of the movie during the one, truly hilarious scene. I really enjoyed laughing that hard, in spite of the pained ribs, which I’ve totally exaggerated for sympathy anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Without a doubt, the best thing about the movie is that comic scene near the end. “It’s Complicated” is also that rare movie title that really works and has so many other relevant meanings related to life, marriage, raising kids, and even a facebook status. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There’s a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate.<span style="">  </span>Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them.<span style="">  </span>Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There were countless marital clichés in Ms. Meyer’s movie, like how couples “drift apart,” “don’t work hard enough at it” or wind up “living separate lives,” none of which were necessarily exact quotes from the movie though all were spiritually in tune with the script.<span style="">  </span>My wife wanted me to see how this couple allowed their relationship to aimlessly drift apart, even though they had terrific chemistry and three wonderful kids.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don’t put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage. Should an affair end a marriage? Well, we’ll address that another time as I have some strong opinions on that subject. In our marriage, we’ve just remained stubborn, set in our ways, and unwilling to change.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That admission notwithstanding, we are equally willing to recognize and own our faults, occasionally admit them out loud, and try and change them.<span style="">  </span>The “try” part is the operative word and mutual challenge. I am very stuck in my habits and patterns.<span style="">  </span>Further, as a couple we’ve become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds.<span style="">  </span>I’ll speak for myself in saying it’s cowardly and I hate when I’m doing it, I’m actually ashamed of myself, but I’m too stubborn to back off. It’s a classic lose-lose, but I’m right in my mind, even when I’m sleeping on the couch.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I know I’m not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men’s group.<span style="">  </span>I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting.<span style="">  </span>To take a phrase from our group, how I “show up” makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can “let it go,” maybe give my wife a hug even when I’m irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In a recent therapy session, our therapist had some wise words.<span style="">  </span>He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments, both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make?<span style="">  </span>What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it’s childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I’ve hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Yes, relationships are complicated.<span style="">  </span>But, it takes two to make them work or fail and I’m grateful that I have a partner who is willing to admit her mistakes as readily as I will admit mine.<span style="">  </span>Where there’s that kind of communication, there’s hope and every chance to have a beautiful, nurturing, relationship.<span style="">  </span>Stay tuned.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 12pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Helvetica;">Please visit <span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">www.brucesallan.com</span> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: h<span style="color: rgb(0, 5, 255);">ttp://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall</span>.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> What I Learned This Past Holiday Season - A Dad's Point-of-View http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10680 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10680 <meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type" /> <meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 10" name="Generator" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 10" name="Originator" /> <link href="file:///C:DOCUME~1LoriLOCALS~1Tempmsohtml11clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List" /><o:smarttagtype name="State" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="country-region" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="City" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><style type="text/css">  </style> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">What I Learned This Past Holiday Season<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Every holiday season brings both wonderful times and challenging family situations for most of us, my family included.<span style="">  </span>This past season included the first visit to our home of my in-laws, the first time my sons and I would be apart, and the first time my wife and I would be apart during this festive time of the year.<span style="">  </span>Can I say I learned more about our relationships?<span style="">  </span>You bet.<span style="">  </span>Was it easy and fun?<span style="">  </span>You be the judge.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Let’s start with the in-laws.<span style="">  </span>Like many things, I had expectations about how we’d all relate and get along, mostly based on our previous visits together at their home in Vancouver, B.C.<span style="">  </span>But, as I never seem to learn or remember, expectations rarely turn out as expected.<span style="">  </span>In this case, I am very pleased to say they turned out better.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I expected to have feelings of sadness when I’d reflect on my own parent’s absence, since they both died in the past few years.<span style="">  </span>And, yes, I did have pangs of that feeling but I also felt, much more strongly, the joy of having three generations present for meals and activities.<span style="">  </span>Maybe I’ve adjusted to the loss of my parents or maybe I’m just more comfortable in my relatively new role as son-in-law.<span style="">  </span>I don’t know, but I found myself looking around the dinner table, several times, with a sense of pride, comfort, and warmth.<span style="">  </span>Now, if only I could bottle that feeling.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My expectations about how my boys would behave turned out to be quite different.<span style="">  </span>My older son, who has heretofore shown relative indifference to his step-grandparents not only embraced them, literally and figuratively, his face lit up often in his interactions.<span style="">  </span>I think the tough-guy stance was slightly melted by the same feelings I was having - those of feeling complete.<span style="">  </span>I marveled at his ease in talking with them and his comfort in still bringing over his friends, who also seemed to appreciate the multiple generations in our home.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">David, my recent Bar Mitzvah boy, just ate up the love he got from them, and from us, and he was still basking in the glory of his recent triumph at his Bar Mitzvah. His face glowed during the joint celebrations of Christmas and Hannukah, and the simple fun of being the youngest with some innocence still present.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My wife, on the other hand, met my expectations throughout her parent’s visit.<span style="">  </span>She barely slept, the house was spotlessly clean, the food was over-the-top wonderful, plentiful, and fantastic, and she was quite tired much of the time.<span style="">  </span>I realized, as hard as it is for me to accept, that this is the way she likes it, the way she operates, and it’s not for me to judge or try and change her.<span style="">  </span>I do wish she could relax a bit more, but the regular response I get to my urging her to do so is, “I don’t have the time.”<span style="">  </span>It is the same whenever I suggest taking any sort of break.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Granted, this particular period was truly extra busy, but I’ve come to realize this is her way, in the same way it took me decades to realize this about my best friend (since the 10<sup>th</sup> grade) who also seems to need and want constant overload.<span style="">  </span>Not being a psychologist, I would think this relates to inner feelings of being of value, accomplishing things, and feeling in charge.<span style="">  </span>If it works for her, so be it. But, I still do question whether it does work.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As for all of us being apart, I can only say my reaction was one of mixed feelings.<span style="">  </span>My older son changed his mind on coming on our ski trip, preferring to be with his friends and girlfriend, while my wife and younger son were on their spectacular trip to Japan and Hong Kong.<span style="">  </span>I found the 10 days alone, in the mountains, to be both refreshing and time in which I could indulge myself without concern for <em style="">anyone</em> else.<span style="">  </span>It’s been a long time since I’ve had that feeling or opportunity.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I also felt as sense of safety in the security I felt towards my family.<span style="">  </span>While I’d rather be together, I knew that we all were committed to each other and that my boys, in particular, know the difference between right and wrong.<span style="">  </span>The feedback I got from the parents where my older son stayed (he shuttled between three homes over this period) was all terrific and unsolicited.<span style="">  </span>So, I guess maybe I did something right or maybe he’s a pretty good Eddie Haskell (that’s for you boomers old enough to remember that character in “Leave It to Beaver”).<span style="">  </span>Maybe a bit of both?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I learned much this past holiday season.<span style="">  </span>Mostly, that I’m a blessed and lucky guy to have the family I have.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;">Please visit <u><span style="color: blue;">www.brucesallan.com</span></u> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.<span style="">  </span><strong style="">Bruce Sallan</strong> was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.<span style="">  </span>Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).<span style="">  </span>When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.<span style="">  </span>Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.<span style="">  </span>Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.<span style="">  </span>It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.<span style="">  </span>He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.<span style="">  </span>The goal of his column, <em style="">A Dad’s Point-of-View</em>, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.<span style="">  </span>Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the </span><st1:country-region><st1:place><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;">U.S.</span></st1:place></st1:country-region><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;"> and internationally.<span style="">  </span>Bruce lives in </span><st1:place><st1:city><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;">Agoura</span></st1:city><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;">, </span><st1:state><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;">California</span></st1:state></st1:place><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;"> with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page.<span style="">  </span>Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> Christmas Trees, Menorahs, and Being Apart (on Christmas) http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10625 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10625 <meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type" /> <meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Generator" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Originator" /> <link href="file:///C:DOCUME~1LANDER~1LOCALS~1Tempmsohtml11clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List" /><o:smarttagtype name="country-region" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="State" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="City" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><style type="text/css">  </style> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Christmas Trees, Menorahs, and Being Apart (on Christmas)<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This holiday season my wife and I will celebrate our first year of marriage on separate continents.<span style="">  </span>As we are different races and religions, there are usually challenges we encounter at this time of year, so maybe being 7,000 miles apart will make it easier. We’ve actually resolved the big conundrum for me--the Christmas tree.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I don’t care if you call it a Hannukah bush or an ordinary tree; it is a Christmas tree, pure and simple.<span style="">  </span>It represents the birth of Christ and it’s not just a secular symbol.<span style="">  </span>But, it matters to my wife, so we resolved the issue by agreeing, like so many mixed religious couples, to celebrate both Christmas and Hannukah.<span style="">  </span>Since my boys were raised Jewish, and my younger son just became a Bar Mitzvah, it really isn’t an issue for me anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Truly, it’s more to honor my wife, her background and her religion, versus a belief that it matters in our stage in life.<span style="">  </span>My boys have been raised Jewish, have completed the major ritual of becoming a Bar Mitzvah and are now old enough to choose their path in life, and to be able to enjoy both holidays without confusion.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I believe, strongly, that a new marriage with young kids that decides to celebrate both holidays will only confuse children and the ultimate result will likely be their rejection of both religions.<span style="">  </span>In our case, that is unlikely as my boys have had a distinctive Jewish upbringing and now, post Bar Mitzvah, can enjoy my wife’s holiday and its joys and traditions without their core values being challenged or confused.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Call me conciliatory or wimpy, I don’t care, but I think life is different in a second marriage when the kids have already been inculcated in one religion.<span style="">  </span>Exposure now to different traditions won’t hurt and it is inevitable in their daily life anyway.<span style="">  </span>My older son is dating a “gentile” as my mom would have said, and I think she’s a lovely girl.<span style="">  </span>My younger son’s best friends are mostly Asian, therefore not Jewish, and I don’t see any problem as they’re good kids, smart kids, and mostly as academic and wholesome as he is.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Wow, what a different world we live in since I was a kid.<span style="">  </span>My mother would ask me the last name of every friend I had, and especially any girl that I might’ve dated when I was old enough to date.<span style="">  </span>I didn’t realize why, at first, until I was older and understood that the last name was a clue to their religion.<span style="">  </span>Now, I ask my boys about their friend’s interests, their character, and their success at school.<span style="">  </span>When and if I meet them, I might notice then their racial difference or ask about their backgrounds.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Isn’t this the way it’s supposed to be?<span style="">  </span>I think so and I’m living proof of the diversity of the world today.<span style="">  </span>My ex-wife was half-Japanese and my second wife is 100% Chinese and Christian.<span style="">  </span>My boys are therefore, ¼ Japanese and, with my second wife’s background, completely confused about their identity.<span style="">  </span>Just kidding.<span style="">  </span>But, I do seriously think we represent what the future of the world will be like--a blended mix of race and religion with, I hope, respect for all our cultures.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I’m not sure where radical Islam fits into this future or our world today, but I’ll leave that hot potato political subject for the political commentators and writers.<span style="">  </span>I will just focus on the Judeo-Christian basis of America and the racial mix of my own family.<span style="">  </span>At least on that, I can speak with some authority and limit my rhetoric!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I’ve got completely off the track since this column is about how I will be spending my first wedding anniversary and this holiday season about 7,000 miles away from one of my sons and my wife.<span style="">  </span>She’s taking my recent Bar Mitzvah boy to Japan as his present for his substantial achievement in becoming a Bar Mitzvah and in honor of his heritage and his interest in manga (Japanese comic books and art).<span style="">  </span>I will be in the mountains, skiing, with my older son.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I guess you could say this is a very modern marriage in that we worked things out this way.<span style="">  </span>We set up the Christmas tree the first week in December and had the Hannukah menorahs ready to light the first week of Hannukah, which this year, didn’t overlap with Christmas at all.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We represent the diversity that we read about, that our schools and universities preach about, and that our future likely looks like. In this case I really like it plus feel very grateful and lucky for how our family has reconstituted itself.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 9pt; font-family: Arial;">Please visit <u><span style="color: blue;">www.brucesallan.com</span></u> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.<span style="">  </span><strong style="">Bruce Sallan</strong> was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.<span style="">  </span>Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).<span style="">  </span>When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.<span style="">  </span>Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.<span style="">  </span>Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.<span style="">  </span>It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.<span style="">  </span>He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.<span style="">  </span>The goal of his column, <em style="">A Dad’s Point-of-View</em>, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.<span style="">  </span>Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> and internationally.<span style="">  </span>Bruce lives in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Agoura</st1:city>, <st1:state w:st="on">California</st1:state></st1:place> with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. <span style=""> </span>Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page.<span style="">  </span>Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> When did I become the senior dad? A Dad's Point-of-View http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10612 http://www.sacmomsclub.com/home/Blog/BruceSallan/10612 <meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type" /> <meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 10" name="Generator" /> <meta content="Microsoft Word 10" name="Originator" /> <link href="file:///C:DOCUME~1LORI~1.LAPLOCALS~1Tempmsohtml11clip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List" /><o:smarttagtype name="country-region" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="State" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="City" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="PersonName" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><style type="text/css">  </style> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">A Dad’s Point-of-View, by </span></strong><st1:personname><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">Bruce Sallan</span></strong></st1:personname><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;">When Did I Become the Senior Dad?<o:p></o:p></span></strong></p> <p align="center" style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><strong style=""><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">While walking with a friend the day after Thanksgiving, we shared our respective holiday experiences and noted that we were both now the senior dads--the main paternal figure in our respective families.<span style="">  </span>We laughed together, but it was a moment of melancholy and reflection, both of which were feelings I had this Thanksgiving.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My father died four years ago and my mother died just a year ago, so this was our first Thanksgiving in which neither of my parents was with us.<span style="">  </span>Yes, the aging of my parents effectively made me the “man in charge” for many of their later years, but I still viewed them as the senior generation and offered them the respect and deference that they continued to deserve during those difficult years.<span style="">  </span>But now, other than an older 3<sup>rd</sup> cousin that I adore, it’s now <em style="">me </em>representing that older figure in our small family.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">What does that mean?<span style="">  </span>How do I view my role differently now?<span style="">  </span>What are my obligations in this role?<span style="">  </span>What deference, if any, should I expect now that I’m the senior male adult in our family?<span style="">  </span>These are the questions that I was thinking about at our wonderful turkey meal this year.<span style="">  </span>My wife is an extraordinary cook so we had a terrific feast, but a quiet one with just the four of us because of last minute cancelled travel plans.<span style="">  </span>That boosted my awareness of the changes that have taken place in the hierarchy of my family.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As we’re all adjusting to our newly blended family, it’s natural that my wife and I are struggling to figure out our respective functions in the family.<span style="">  </span>We both believe there is inherent value and I might even add sanctity in the mother and father roles.<span style="">  </span>We also believe they are different and we like to celebrate those differences.<span style="">  </span>Consequently, she does look to me to be <em style="">the man</em> while I absolutely look to her to be the woman of the family.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The difference, however, is her parents are still very much alive, healthy, and an active, though a geographically distant presence in her life.<span style="">  </span>For me, the realization that I’m now “the old guy” is sort of daunting.<span style="">  </span>I feel it is my responsibility to make sure that certain rituals are observed and that my sons are taught to treat their elders respectfully.<span style="">  </span>That now means me.<span style="">  </span>I thought no yuppie ever became an elder?<span style="">  </span>Didn’t our generation say to “never trust anyone over 30?”<span style="">  </span>Is Mick Jagger really over 60?<span style="">  </span>Am I now over a decade older than JFK when he died, two decades older than when George Gershwin died, and three decades older than when James Dean crashed his Porsche?<span style="">  </span>Tell me I’m wrong, please?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s a sobering reality as, of course, we all age but my generation was convinced we’d do it better than our predecessors.<span style="">  </span>No, we’re just getting more plastic surgery and realizing the same changes that happen to everyone who gets older.<span style="">  </span>We are more forgetful, absent-minded, our bodies aren’t as responsive as they once were, and like in Bruce Springsteen’s song, “Glory Days,” we tend to tell stories from our past and relive those memories repeatedly.<span style="">  </span>I’m no exception as my family and wife are tired of many of those stories.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Still, becoming the patriarch of my family carries weight with me.<span style="">  </span>It forces me to think more deeply about my choices and how they affect my family. Dr. Bruce Powell, a brilliant educator, said that our children see, watch, and remember almost everything we do.<span style="">  </span>So, we model for them and our good and bad behavior is completely absorbed by them.<span style="">  </span>I remind myself of this every time I drink more than two glasses of wine in their presence, when I swear, and especially if my wife and I quarrel in front of them.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I never said I was perfect, though I strive for an ideal that now seems even more important, so I hope to be the best model I can be.<span style="">  </span>At this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, I didn’t say much and I now realize I missed an opportunity.<span style="">  </span>We have a wonderful ritual that we do every Friday, when we celebrate Shabbat--the Jewish Sabbath--that I believe is a great fully established tradition in our family.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We go around the table and each person present, whether it’s just our family and/or guests, takes turns telling the best and worst things that happened to them in the previous week.<span style="">  </span>The <em style="">only</em> rule is that only one worst is allowed.<span style="">  </span>The result is we each get to reflect on our lives with extra emphasis on the things that are good, the things to be grateful for, and it allows us to learn what each person feels is most important to him or her.<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My boys have no memory of not performing this ritual. Now that I <em style="">am</em> the senior dad in the family, I will look to reinforce this tradition, establish others, try and be the best patriarchal figure I can be, and also work to better model a loving marriage for my sons with my lovely bride of just one year (we married December 27, 2008).<span style="">  </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;">Please visit <u><span style="color: blue;">www.brucesallan.com</span></u> to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.<span style="">  </span></span><st1:personname><strong style=""><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;">Bruce Sallan</span></strong></st1:personname><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;"> was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.<span style="">  </span>Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).<span style="">  </span>When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.<span style="">  </span>Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.<span style="">  </span>Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.<span style="">  </span>It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.<span style="">  </span>He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.<span style="">  </span>The goal of his column, <em style="">A Dad’s Point-of-View</em>, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.<span style="">  </span>Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the </span><st1:country-region><st1:place><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;">U.S.</span></st1:place></st1:country-region><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;"> and internationally.<span style="">  </span>Bruce lives in </span><st1:place><st1:city><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;">Agoura</span></st1:city><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;">, </span><st1:state><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;">California</span></st1:state></st1:place><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial;"> with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. <span style=""> </span>Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page.<span style="">  </span>Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>