SacMomsClub.com

first of all i would like to thank sacmomsclub for the prize of the $250 spa package.  thank you is not enough!  to be totally honest when i first found out that i won it, my immediate response was that they should give it to someone else.  then i thought about it and realized that i was being nuts.  so i took that sucker.

 but let me explain. 

when my daughter was 4 months old, i found out that my dad died very suddenly at the age of 65.  he was far away from home and he was alone.  we will never really know how, why, or any of the details about why he died.  we can only guess.  he died 1 week before meeting his only granddaughter for the first time.  seeing him at his wake was the first time in over 2 years that i had seen him myself.  since my own wedding in 2004.  i was a sahm like we had always planned, which i am thankful for, but i think that really set the stage for the next 2 years of misery.

  while at home i discovered my own personal axis of evil.
 day time talk shows, totino's party pizzas and see's candies. 

i went from bad to worse and pulled my marrage, my health, my self,my house, and all of my relationships down with me.  i as a person ceased to exist.  i was a shell of a person.  now i would like to clarify that at no time was i a bad mother.  i have always tended to her every need. i was just doing the minimun to simply exist.  i haven't waxed my eyebrows in three years.  i have had two haircuts (one was because i let my hair get so incredibaly ratty that it HAD to be cut out), my feet will need a table saw to get in order,  i have gone days, yes days without brushing my teeth.  the ultimate self abuse was through self neglect. 

i did many things to deal with the birth of my daughter,  the death of my father, the anguish of my mother, the stress of my marrage, the bomb that literally exploded in my life.  and eventually all of those things have come into place. 

so why does this have to do with going to a spa?  because i need it.  because the past 2 years have shown me that there is no such thing as rock bottom. 

i am still wearing my nursing bras.  i havent nursed in a YEAR and a HALF!!!!!  they pretty much are straps laying ontop of my shoulders.  while i was in the pits of my depression, we were in orange county visiting the in-laws.  (like salt on a wound!)  my ratty flip flops broke, so we went to mervyns to get me another pair.  i intentionally found the ugliest, cheapest pair of shoes in the store and bought those.  why?  because that's what i was.  i hated myself, i hated what i had allowed myself to become and in no way was i going to reward myself with something nice. 

now to now.  i'm much better.  i hiked up my big girl panties and have said ENOUGH!  i am getting myself back.  or at least finding a version of myself that i like.  so with that i am using this wonderful $250 spa certificate to be my ultimate motivation to better myself.  i have until december 26th to use it, and by all that's beautiful and green on this earth i will be the best, happiest person to get her eyebrows waxed.  i am determined to slim down, get healthy and take care of myself.  i want to be a good example to my daughter.  i never want her to think of herself as i have of myself. 

so again thank you to sacmomsclub for something that has a huge impact on me.  really this is something that i am very excited about.  not only to feel good, but to be get my act together!