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I just spent some time watching my six week old daughter sleep.  This was one of those times that brings tears to the eyes.  I guess it's because I love her so much that it leaks.  I just can't help but sneak in and look at her.  This is one of my favorite times.  I also love when she snuggles under my chin and sleeps.  That has to be one of the best things in the world.  She's starting to coo and, of course, I think she has the sweetest voice.

Before anyone throws up, I'm trying to jot these things down for when I slide to the other end of my hormonal see-saw. 

I have my days where the hormone pendulum swings the other way and I go into Bizarro world.  Everything that was cute or doable all of a sudden grates on frayed nerves or is too overwhelming for the fatigue fog that has infused my skull.

The other day, she vomited all over me, herself, the floor all in one impressive heave.  It was one of those where you stand there wondering, "Where do I start to clean this up?"  Some days, the priority just flows:  Baby first, then me, floor can wait.  Sometimes, the priorities elude me.  My big growth moment was to learn to forgive myself when that happens.  So what if the dog got to cleaning the floor before I did?  So what if I just tracked the milk barf through the house on my way to get the baby bathed and changed into fresh clothes.  So what if my expensive carpet smells like sour milk?  Someday, I'll get it steam cleaned.  These are the stuff that memories are made of.

I have gotten better about learning how to enjoy my baby.  For the first few weeks, I got so wound up about meeting her basic needs that I didn't stop to just snuggle her for the sake of snuggling her.  I've learned that it's more important to smooch her little cheeks and let whatever fell to the floor stay there, let daddy help and do things his way (I might learn something! Imagine that!).

Slowly, what everyone has been saying is starting to sink in.  Forgive myself for not being perfect.  Give myself a break and a pat on the back.  Things are going to take time.  My romantic idealizations of how I imagined things should be are only going to break me.  Enjoy my baby in the moment because things change so fast that I'll lose those moments and regret missing them.  She isn't going to remember any of the things that I'm obsessing about.

Now, I have to go watch her sleep some more.