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After 45 minutes of trying to get Brodie and Lucas to fall asleep, I finally gave up and put them to bed in their cribs and let them cry themselves to sleep.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't soothe them.  Those last 15 minutes of listening to them both cry was painful, and seemed like it lasted for hours.  Once the house was silent, I couldn't resist going into their nursery to check on them.  I had to make sure they were still breathing and comfortably asleep in their cribs, even though it meant taking the chance of waking them up again.
Lucas was asleep, but sobbing every other breath.  Brodie was asleep, with his hands covering his eyes, and his head pressed ever so slightly up against the rails of his crib.  I was relieved to see them sleeping, but still feel horrible that I put them through having to cry it out to get them to fall asleep. 
For the last few weeks, my husband has been arriving home earlier from work.  Together we have been bathing the boys, and then getting them ready for bed.  It has turned into a family routine.  I take one twin and nurse him to sleep.  My husband takes the other and they spend snuggle time together.  Each night, we switch, which twin gets to nurse to sleep first.  Apparently, Brodie ad Lucas have really gotten use to the one on one time with mommy and daddy each night. 
Tonight, my husband went to the bike shop after work, then to get gas, and now it is almost 8:30 PM, and he's still not home. 
Bath time starts at 6 PM, one on one time starts at 6:30 PM, and usually Brodie and Lucas are both happily asleep by 7 PM.  No the case tonight.  I bathed them together myself.  Got them ready for bed myself.  Tried to nurse them to sleep together.  Tried to rock one to sleep, while the other played on the floor. Tried to nurse one while the other played in the other room.  Tried to hold both of them together and sing nursery songs.   I tried and tried.  Nothing worked.  They just kept getting more upset the more I tried.  I knew they were both tired, as it was now almost an hour past their regular bedtime.  So, I finally let them cry it out. 
I know when they wake up they'll both be happy and smiling.  But I still feel like a horrible mom.   Even though this was a tough decision to make, I feel like it was the right decision. 
 

I attended my doctor's appointment earlier this week.  My primary care physician specializes in internal medicine.  But she is taking a more holistic approach.  Even though my initial blood work came back normal, including my iron levels, she requested additional lab work to check my vitamin D, B11, B6, and B12 levels.   I have been a lacto-ovo vegetarian all of my life, and recently eliminated all dairy from my diet.  I occasionally eat eggs, but would prefer to go without.  She explained that if I am gasy, then Brodie is gasy.  It all goes through my breast milk.  She suggested I try the following which will help improve my digestive system, and in return help Brodie's.

1. Take prenatal vitamins and B Complex.  Continue taking vitamin C, omega-3 fatty acids, Tums for calcium
2.  Stop eating raw vegetables.
3.  Eat steamed vegetables and lightly season with cumin, cinnamon or curry.
4.  No ice water.
5.  Drink all beverages at room temperature.
6.  Try Goat's Milk and/or Goat's cheese, as an additional source of protein.
7.  Limit yogurt and cottage cheese to one serving a day, or eliminate completely.
8.  Give Gripe water to Brodie to soothe his stomach.

I have a follow-up appointment in 2 weeks. 

With innocent trust, Brodie held out his right arm for the phlebotomist to draw his blood.  She inserted the needle and moved it slowly inside his arm searching for the vein.  No luck.  Seconds later bright green dinosaur print tape was applied to his arm holding the cotton ball in place.  I continued to hug Brodie as he stoically sat on my lap.  He did not cry, but his inquisitive eyes continued to look around assessing his surroundings.  A few minutes later, a second needle was placed into his left arm.  No such luck, his baby vein rolled.  Still no tears.  A cotton ball and tape were applied.

Lucas watched unsure of what was happening to his brother.  His face was that of concern.  He looked as though any minute he would break into tears of sympathy.  Some he how managed to hold it together.

The three of us (Mommy, Brodie, and Lucas) waited patiently.  I agreed to allow them to make a third attempt.  Due to the type of blood tests the GI doctor ordered, they couldn't do a finger prick.  It had to be an arm draw.  15 minutes later a second phlebotomist arrived to assist.  One held Brodie's arm to keep the vein in his left arm steady.   The other carefully stuck the needle in, making the third needle stick in 30 minutes.  With the sudden rush of blood flowing through the tube, there were three simultaneous cheers and sighs of relief.  Amazingly, still no tears from Brodie. 

We left the lab, Lucas relieved to finally be rolling along in the stroller back to the car.  Brodie was sporting his badges of honor:  a bright orange bandage on his left arm to compliment the bright green one on his right arm.  He was exhausted and ready for a nap.  After all, he had already been through a lot.  He had attended his first GI consult earlier that morning, which included a rectal scope.  He was given a collage of poop pictures.  Memorabilia for his baby book. 

The GI doctor told us that Brodie does have some visible irritation in his rectal tissue, but it is nothing alarming, and very common in young children.  He indicated he expects he will grow out of it as his digestive system matures. 

There was no blood in Brodie's last stool sample.  The GI doctor suggested eliminating dairy from my diet may be the reason the stool sample was now normal.  Brodie's next GI appointment is in 4 weeks to check his status.  At that time, we will get the results of blood work which was checking for allergies.  

Monday morning we awoke to the sun shining through a brown haze.  I decided to cancel our monthly Cycling with our Kids event due to the AQI.  The AQI forecast for June 23rd was an orange alert, unhealthy for sensitive groups.

Quoted from the www.airnow.gov website:  "The AQI is an index for reporting daily air quality. It tells you how clean or polluted your air is, and what associated health effects might be a concern for you. The AQI focuses on health effects you may experience within a few hours or days after breathing polluted air. EPA calculates the AQI for five major air pollutants regulated by the Clean Air Act: ground-level ozone, particle pollution (also known as particulate matter), carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, and nitrogen dioxide. For each of these pollutants, EPA has established national air quality standards to protect public health.Ground-level ozone and airborne particles are the two pollutants that pose the greatest threat to human health in this country."  The AQI worsened over the day, and was considered unhealthy for everyone by early afternoon (red alert).

Now it's Tuesday morning, and we're feeling a bit cooped up.  I checked the AQI, which is no longer in the red.  It had significantly improved from last night.  I took Brodie and Lucas outside around 7:30 AM for a 30 minute run.  The air was still considered unhealthy for sensitive groups, but at least it didn't smell like smoke.  We all got a change of scenery, and the kids took a short nap, while I sucked in some brown haze.

It's now almost 11 AM, the AQI continues to improve.  There is a slight breeze.  But the AQI is still at an orange alert.  So, we're staying inside the rest of the day.  

KQED Fresh Air interviewed Dr. Hugh Sampson, MD., who is the President of American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology.   Dr. Sampson explained that young children are most commonly allergic to milk, egg, peanut, soy, wheat, fish, and shellfish.  The allergic reaction is their immune system's response to protect their body.    

There are a number of theories on the cause of allergies, one being the hygiene hypothesis.  We are not exposed to the same amount of pathogens as we use to be due to our frequent use of antibiotics, better hygiene, and use of antibacterial soaps. 

For more information regarding allergies in children, listen to the pod cast: freshair.npr.org

Brodie and I went for blood work Tuesday morning.  His iron level was improved to 5.5.  Normal is 11.  He is still severe, but improved.  His 2nd stool sample came back + for blood.  Now he has been referred to a gastroentologist.  They think he may have a food allergy to dairy. They have requested I eliminate all diary from my diet until they can rule this out.

I spoke with a lactation consultant who suggested giving Brodie probiotics.  We also discussed the elimination diet.  She indicated that if Brodie is allergic to dairy, he could be getting it through my breast milk.  However, dairy may not be causing the irritation in his bowels.  There are other common foods that cause allergies in young children, such as corn, nuts, wheat, and soy. 

I've decided to eliminate all dairy from mine and Brodie's diets.   We'll start with dairy and see if he improves.  If not, then I'll eliminate one additional food at a time. 

Brodie and Lucas were re-examined again today.  Brodie's hemoglobin is still severe, but stable.  Lucas is mildly anemic.  His hemoglobin is 8.9.  Their doctor wants both Brodie and Lucas to have hemoglobin levels at 11.  Lucas will take iron supplements once a day, and Brodie will continue to take iron supplements twice a day. Their doctor thinks Brodie's heart murmur will resolve once he is no longer anemic.  Anemia makes his heart have to work 2x as hard to pump the blood through his body, resulting in the murmur.   I feel sad that the are having to go through all this.

Brodie, Lucas, and I appeared on the 8 AM segment of Good Day Sacramento Sunday morning, June 15th.  Brodie and Lucas are officially TV Stars!  They didn't appear nervous at all.  Once they were buckled into their bike trailer, they thought they were going on just another bike ride.  Heather interviewed us about our upcoming Cycling with your Kids event, set to take place next Monday, June 23rd.  After our 2-3 minutes of fame, we participated in the "8:38 Stretch."  Then we packed up our gear, and took my husband out for breakfast to celebrate Father's Day.  During breakfast, Brodie and Lucas both sat in high chairs for the first time while in a restaurant.  They could barely reach the Cheerios on the table in front of them, but they didn't care.  They sat there like big boys, happily eating whatever they could get into their mouths, which included occasional licks of the table.  Our baby boys are growing up!    

Brodie and Lucas had their 10 month doctor's exam Friday the 13th.  I was shocked when their doctor said she could hear a heart murmur in Brodie.  After all of the tests he went through at birth as a result of being a preemie, he never had a murmur.    One thing lead to another, and before we left the doctor's office, a referral was made to a pediatric cardiologist and STAT blood work to rule out an iron deficiency. 

We spent the evening at some friend's house, so the pediatrician finally tracked us down on my cell phone after 9 PM.  She diagnosed Brodie with severe anemia, and prescribed a liquid iron supplement for Brodie to start that night.  She mentioned if he can not keep the iron down, he may have to be hospitalized in order to get his hemoglobin (iron levels) within normal levels.   She then instructed us to schedule a follow-up appointment first thing Saturday morning to ensure his condition was not worsening. 

Finally by 12 Midnight, the prescription was ready for pick up.  Brodie was sleeping when my husband returned home from the pharmacy.  At 2:30 AM I finally woke Brodie up and gave him his first dose of grape flavored iron.  I followed the instructions, give on an empty stomach and drink 8 oz of water.   Remain upright for 30 minutes after taking the supplement.  May be taken with food if it causes stomach upset. 

At nearly 3 AM, Brodie wouldn't drink water.  25 minutes after taking the supplement, he threw up.  There was nothing more I could do, so I nursed him to sleep, and put him back to bed.  

8 AM Saturday morning, I called to schedule Brodie's follow-up exam at the Urgent Care.  The exam went well.  The doctor confirmed his condition had not worsened.  She instructed me to call back so she can begin the process for hospitalization, if Brodie doesn't keep the next iron supplement dose down .  She also requested a stool sample.  I told her that was out of my control.  Whenever Brodie decides to offer one, we'll drop it by. 

After leaving the Urgent Care, I called the pharmacist to seek advice on what I could do to help keep the iron supplement down.  She suggested nursing or feeding Brodie, wait 10 minutes, give him the first dose, wait 5 minutes, give him the second dose, then offer him water to drink, and keep him upright for at least 30 minutes.  We tried it.  Thankfully It worked!

Monday afternoon the doctor's office called to say his stool sample was negative for blood.  They want to see him again Tuesday morning after his repeat blood work.  They also want another stool sample.  I'm not sure what they're checking for this time.  But this will require keeping another poopy diaper in the refrigerator overnight.

Tomorrow morning, Brodie and I both have to get our blood drawn to check our iron levels.  He has his 3rd follow-up exam, and I get to visit my doctor on Thursday to review the results of my lab work.  There was mention that Lucas was going to need blood work completed too.  But they haven't done a referral for him yet.

So I'm taking prenatal vitamins again.  Apparently, I was never suppose to stop taking prenatal vitamins while I continue breast feeding.  I figured as long as I was taking vitamins, everything would be fine.   Supposedly that's not the case.  I guess all three of us should start eating more spinach.  I'll do whatever it takes to keep Brodie and Lucas happy and healthy. 







  

My neighbor delivered a large bag of fresh picked cherries from her tree.  I just couldn't let the plump, sweet, and juicy cherries go to waste.  So while Brodie and Lucas ate Joe's O's, I stood at the counter facing them, pitting 6 cups of cherries by hand.  The end result, two baby bellies full of O's, cherry juice every where, a messy kitchen, and two delicious cherry cobblers.

There was something strangely meditative about wearing my apron, pitting cherries, while I watched my kids eat Joe's O's.   At that moment, time stood still.


 

Just about every day I experience some sort of Mommy guilt.  I should of, could of, would of...If only I had thought of that before...Next time I'll try that....and so on. 99% of my guilt results from being a Mom of twins.  I can't pick them both up when they are crying and need a hug.  I can't load and unload them into and out of the car, stroller, bike trailer, or high chair at the same time.  There is only one of me and two of them.  As a result, one is always left behind, waiting.  For the most part, they are both very patient, since they have already had lots of practice waiting.  A majority of my guilt results from having to leave one child unattended while loading or unloading.  For example, when unloading my car by myself.  This requires one child being left unattended in the car, unattended for only a few minutes, but still.  The same thoughts always go through my head....Do I leave a window down, and lock the car?  Do I leave the car running with the AC on and lock the car?  What if I accidentally lock myself out of the car with one child still in the car?  Do I leave the car unlocked?  What if someone takes my child?  Then I tell myself again, its only for a few minutes.  But someone could be stalking me, and it only takes a few minutes for something terrible to happen.  I tell myself I am over reacting.   I tell myself I can never be to cautious.

Brodie and Lucas are now 10 months old.  I know as they grow, the reasons why I experience Mommy guilt will be ever changing.  In reality, Mommy guilt keeps me on my toes, makes me more aware, more cautious, and as a result has given me the ability to come up with some creative solutions.  

More than 3000 women of all ages ran or walked around the Capitol this morning at the Nike Women's Fitness Festival and 5K race.  The event raised money for the non-profit organization WEAVE (Women Escaping A Violent Environment).  I ran the 5K pushing Brodie and Lucas in their double running stroller.  I only received one comment about Brodie and Lucas being in the race .  The day before the race, while I was picking up my race packet, I was told that Brodie and Lucas couldn't run with me because the race was for women only.  No boys allowed!   Technically, they are boys, but they are only 10 months old.  They don't even know whether they are a girl or a boy yet.   I laughed the comment off as if it were a joke.  At least I hope they were joking.
We had a fun run.  We started in the back of the pack, and made our way up to mid pack by carefully passing runners on the left, on the right, around cones, on the inside corner, and the outside edge of turns.   We crossed the finish line in just under 27 minutes.  I haven't checked my official finishing time.  I know we must have set a PR!  The ironic part is that our finishing time doesn't really matter.  What matters is we finished and had a great time running with all the other women.  For some racers, it is only about their time.  But for some, like myself, its all about the adventure.
Our adventure began this morning at 4:30 AM, when Brodie woke up.  There was no way we were going to be late for the event, considering we were up at the crack of dawn.  I was tired before we even left the house.  The excitement of the event kept the three of us awake, until the race clock started ticking.  Within the first mile, Brodie and Lucas surrounded by a sea of more than 3000 women, had both fallen asleep.  Several people cheering on the racers said, "Why are you working so hard, they're both asleep!"  At that point, I had worked so hard to carefully move forward in the pack, there was no slowing down.  I picked a couple of women who were ahead of me, and decided to try to catch up with them.  My strategy worked.  I followed behind them the last 2 miles and passed them right before the finish.
We toured the Fitness Festival to see what fun stuff it had to offer.  Our favorite booths were the SacMomsClub.com, Mad Cat Bicycles, midtowngrid.com, and Luna Bar.  There were a lot of booths and a lot of people.  Maneuvering the double stroller through the crowds was quite a challenge.  We didn't see everything, but we had a lot of fun.  We'll be back next year!

Today I rode my bike with Brodie and Lucas in tow to the Breast Feeding Moms Group at Busy Bees Studio.  Since this was a new route for us, and I was unsure how long it would take us to ride there, we ended up arriving 30 minutes early.  I wasn't quite sure what to do to pass the time, since I had my hands full.  I had my bike, the trailer, and my twin boys to watch.  I was thirsty and decided I would treat myself to a drink.  I couldn't figure out how to go about purchasing a drink because I couldn't leave my bike and kids in their trailer unattended.  Then it dawned on me, I could ride through the McDonald's Drive-Through.  So I did.  It was 12:30PM, and there were 2 lines of cars waiting to place their to go orders.  I rode up, got in line with the cars, and purchased my lemonade, while riding my bike with my kids in their trailer.  The cars around us were staring the entire time, but it worked!  I felt sort of awkward and silly, but I figure we just added some lunch time entertainment to the people waiting in the McDonald's Drive-Through line.  I arrived well hydrated at our Moms Group.  

The cost of gas has pushed me over the edge. As a result I decided to make a change.  I can't control the cost of gas, but I can control how often I drive.  So my goal is to drive my car less: no more than 2 times Mon-Fri and once during the weekend.  It's possible to get out of the house without having to drive each day.

This week: 
 
Monday I ran 3 miles with the twins in my neighborhood.
Tuesday I drove to McKinley Park ran 4 miles, walked 3 miles, and meet some moms for a picnic/playgroup. 
Wednesday I drove to drop off and pick up Brodie and Lucas from the babysitting/playgroup co-op.  I did at least 3 errands before picking them up, and then drove back home.
Thursday I ran 7 miles with the twins from my house to the bike trail along the American River Parkway and back.
Friday I rode my bike with twins in tow to the Breast Feeding Moms Group at Busy Bees Studio and back home.

So far I'm on a roll.  "Be the change you want to see in the world."  -Ghandi

I pumped before going to bed Friday night.  I was shocked and slightly panicked when all I got was 4 ml.  I usually get at least 5 oz.   I checked the freezer for my back up supply and found 10 oz.  After reading the dates, I sadly had to throw it away, as it was almost 6 months old.  To add to an already stressful situation, my husband asked what was wrong, why was my milk supply down, and what was I going to do?  My answer back was I'm not going to stress out about it!  In reality I was stressed out!  By 4 AM the next morning, I pumped and collected 5 oz.  What a relief!  Everything is going to be alright.