SacMomsClub.com

That is the question.....

Ok, enough of quoting the Bard at 2:30 in the morning. But it is a question I ponder often. To be or not to be a mom, to have or not to have a child of my own. I'm 35, and while I never felt like I HAD to be a mom before, I'm also realizing that the clock is ticking, and the window of opportunity is starting to narrow. I've been with Joe for 2 years now, and he tells me that I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, the person he wants to marry. We had a rough couple of months for awhile, but things seem to be working out. I moved in with him, again.

A little background: He had been living with me in my 1 bedroom apartment when he first came to Sac, because he was living in Concord and working in Oakland, but was laid off of his job. Then he got a job in Jackson, and well, commuting from Sac was a bit easier than Concord, so he moved here. It was rough for awhile, and a blow to his ego, to have to move in with me, I think. Not to mention, I didn't have a room for Kaity. Poor thing had to sleep on the couch every other weekend, and then all summer. And, two months after he got the job in Jackson and moved in with me, I lost my job because the company I was working for, in Advertising, went out of business. So we couldn't afford to move to a bigger place at the time. Things got stressful and tense. He moved out in January, finally got a beautiful townhouse, and we decided to give each other some space. Well, we got back together, and things seemed to be going along wonderfully, and he asked me to move in with him. So I did, at the end of May.

At the beginning of our relationship, we had talked about the possibility of having a child of our own, once we got married. He had Kaity, and had not been married to her mom. In fact, they had only been seeing each other a week when she got pregnant. They split up when Kaity was 1, and finally now are able to be civil to each other.

The move to Sac was hard on him, going from having Kaity 5 days a week to being an every other weekend dad. It really tore him up. Still does at times. Anyway, I'm rambling here, but it's almost 3am, so bear with me.

I never had the absolute desire to be a mom, like I stated before. I got married young, my hub was in the Navy, and he and I weren't ready to have kids. I was married for 7 years, and got divorced at 25. Had some messed up relationships after that, and then one long term one before Joe, that I thought was going to be the great love of my life, but we eneded up being more best friends than anything, and that ended in 2006, and then I met Joe.

When people asked me if I had kids,and I said no, they always freaked out a bit, and would be like" well, don't you want kids?" and my thought was always, probably, but I'd like to meet their father first. Growing up an only child of a single mom and not knowing my dad, the one thing I was old fashioned about was that I absolutely was determined to find my life partner first, and THEN decide whether or not we wanted to have kids.

I truly believe my life partner is Joe. We love each other very much. But here's the kicker...he's now saying he doesn't want any more children. That he's too old (he's 37), it's too expensive, I have no idea what we would be in for, we'd never have a vacation alone, etc. Also, Kaity was asthmatic as a baby, and had several stints in the hospital. That scares Joe to death, the idea of having another child that could have medical problems. Especially since he did it primarily on his own with Kaity, since he and her mother werne't together, and his family is not in california.

Like I said, the MOMMY bug had never bit me before, but the idea of the possibility of having children being completely out of the picture, it's thrown me for a loop. I'm emotional, can't sleep (duh). I look at moms and babies and want to cry, and yet somtimes there's a part of me that is scared to become a mom, and relieved that I don't have such a tremendous responsibility. (I do help take care of Kaity, but I know that I am not her mother, ya know?)

So what do I do? Do I enjoy my life with Joe and Kaity, and try and give her and possibly other children I may come in contact with all the love I can, or do I end the best relationship i've ever had, because I can't have a baby, and go desperately looking to have that bond with someone else, simply to have the OPTION to have a baby?

Part of what weighs heavily on my mind with this is that not only do I not have any siblings, but also have no cousins. My mom has two sisters that never had kids. I'm it for my family. Period. My family dies with me, and that kinda freaks me out. I never knew my dad or his side of the family, and he died when I was 10, so I don't consider that half family.

Joe tells me that he and Kaity are my family, and I believe him. They made me a mother's card this year, and Kaity sometimes calls me mom, and she wants to sit with me in restaurants, wants me to do her hair, help her dress, etc. I've taught her to read and how to swim. This summer we are going to work on bike riding.

I'm not asking for all of you to tell me what to do, but I needed somewhere to talk about this, where it won't get back to him, and I can just vent and let it all go. Thank you for giving me a safe place to do so.