HomeTeacher by day, Mommy by night
Teacher by day, Mommy by night
Juggling the demands (and insanity) of being a high school teacher, a wife, and a mother to a toddler
Member Since: October 28, 2007 Last Signed In: November 16, 2008 Blog Views: 3243 Send To A Friend Sign Guestbook Add as a Friend
There's Something to Those Old Wives' Tales
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There is a God?
Faith is always something I've struggled with. My parents take the blame for this: they didn't want to indoctrinate their children, so we didn't go to church. The result was both my sister and I don't have a religion--sort of a reverse indoctrination.
I've always found the pageantry of religion to be beautiful and inspiring, even to the point of tears. However, I never believed any of it. I always open an eye during a prayer to see what other people are doing. I never felt comfortable praying to God for my problems because they seemed too trivial for him/her/it to worry about. Really, he/she/it needs to be concerned about my SAT score, or a flat tire, or my petty arguments with friends and family. And then there's the pain. I'm not a big fan of pain, emotional or physical. I'm not a big picture person. When I see someone in pain, I feel anger and betrayal. When my baby cousin died of a genetic disorder at 11 months, I only saw my strong, brave aunt and uncle falling apart. I didn't see a purpose. When people tried to tell me that Sammy was a gift from God, that we were lucky to have known him, I agreed on the surface, but I struggled with a powerful maelstrom of hate towards God. So much that I refused to believe he exists. This is not a new argument against the existence of God, I realize. You hear people constantly say things like how can there be so much pain, hunger, violence, and loss in this world and still be a God. I'm not sure if there is a God, per se, but I'm leaning towards a god-type thing. Maybe some sort of universal force or balance. Yes, this sounds cheese ball. Allow me to explain. All year, I have held on to my sanity by a single thread. But I have been amazed at the see-saw affect of everything. My husband couldn't find work, but right when we were almost down for the count, he got a long-term teaching position. I got laid off from my teaching position, and then right before my health insurance ran out, I got my job back. And here's the big one. Someone hit our second car a couple weeks ago. Not a lot of damage, but enough to cause the car to be "totaled." We will have enough from the insurance company to buy a used car, but I was still really stressed about money for next year. My husband will be a student teacher, ie indentured servant, and will make no money. I figured out a budget for the next year, and was stunned to realize we will need an extra $500 a month. My magic number was $10,000. I was panicking about having to ask family for money, yada yada. I am sure I drove a fair number of friends crazy while complaining about it all. And here's when I learned to be patient and just WAIT. Today, my vice principal called. She wanted to know if I would teach an extra period of English per day, meaning I would give up my prep, but I would be paid an extra fifth of my salary. $10,000. I laughed. My VP misinterpreted this. And it took a minute to explain that I really did want to take her up on her offer. Now, it is possible that this all falls through. I'm not getting too excited yet. But I am in awe how this all worked out. I'm not entirely convinced that there is a God, but I can't help but wonder. It is absolutely amazing how things have worked out this year. It takes my breath away. Now if there is a God, he has a sense of humor. Yes, I will make more money, but 35 fifteen-year-olds will be attached. :) 5 comments from 5 users
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posted by
ThatTripletMom
on Aug 15, 2008 at 04:53 PM
posted by
creatress
on Aug 15, 2008 at 07:04 PM
I love it so much when that happens. I know how your budget has been weighing heavy on your mind and then POW!!! Something comes through to help you out. Things like that are the best. My man and I call it "Mystery Money." This week we found out he gets paid monthy at his new job (we thought it would be e/o week like his last job). This means we have 2 weeks to live for a month. I was a little stressed out about this. Then I found out my new job is paying me more than I thought. BAM! Mystery Money. :) posted by
crzkb
on Aug 16, 2008 at 04:10 PM
Read the Secret!! It's full of stuff like this. Everything works out, as long as you WANT and BELIEVE it will work out. Sounds crazy, probably is, but has been consistantly working for me. posted by
kellimwheeler
on Aug 18, 2008 at 02:19 PM
Great blog. Nice handling of a touchy topic. And more proof that God has a sense of humor: chocolate tastes awesome with peanut butter and even better mixed up all together in ice cream... that said, I'm off to hit the gym. posted by
ktja
on Aug 18, 2008 at 10:12 PM
Funny how things have a way of working out. I'm glad that offers some relief.
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We don't go to church. But I look at my kids and wonder if my sense of values and moral foundation that I have came from all that religious upbringing. I wonder about even if I don't fully believe everything, should I still just grin and send them through it too, because it is a great influence and foundation? I go back and forth about this all the time. Would it be the same if my whole heart wasn't in it like my mom's was?
My parents are ultra religious. My father has battle and survived two kinds of cancer int he past 8 years. He and mom believe his recovery is due to the power of prayer...
I'm glad things worked out with you this year. What a relief. I'm glad you posted about this too. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggle.