HomeTeacher by day, Mommy by night
Teacher by day, Mommy by night
Juggling the demands (and insanity) of being a high school teacher, a wife, and a mother to a toddler
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Birthdays should be fun...DUH!
I have always loved my birthday. I love surprises and cake, so it's a perfect day for me. And I love other people's birthdays too. The whole ceremony just gets me.
Over the past three years, birthdays, however, have become less fun. And it's not because I'm getting older. (I'm only 28 for goodness sake.) I can sum up my new distrust of birthdays in one word: family. My parents' divorce finally went through this fall, but they've been apart for more than two years. It was not amicable. Currently, my father is living with the person who caused much of the rancor. Well, to be fair, my parents caused most of the rancor, but she's an easy target. Right before my daughter's first birthday, I came to the conclusion that I did not want to have two birthdays, two holidays, two whatever to appease my parents. And I've stuck by that. If they want to celebrate with my husband and I, then they need to behave like grown-ups. I refuse to go through hoops and extra expense to make them feel better. This all sounds good on paper, of course. They behave fine during the event, but it's the after that is no fun. My mom still whines about Em's birthday (which was in June), and my dad is non-communicative about it, but he is so stinking awkward when my mom is around. Now it's my husband's birthday, and we only invited my mom. I wimped out and I feel awful. It annoys me that I let her bad behavior dictate my choices. To be quite honest, I just didn't want to deal with the backlash. Unfortunately, the whole thing makes me feel about five years old. Boo. 3 comments from 3 users
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posted by
JenniferJeri
on Feb 1, 2008 at 02:29 PM
posted by
hmoeckli
on Feb 2, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Thank you for the kind comments. What makes me sad is that this is a time in which I really need parents. This is my first child, and I really was expecting my parents to be a source of wisdom and strength. What I've learned is that I have to really rely on myself and my husband and no one else. It makes me feel really grown-up but also sad. posted by
Christy33
on Mar 7, 2008 at 09:59 AM
Dear hmoeckli,
I have found myself in a very similar situation. I have two kids and my parents are divorced. My mother is bitter and angry and my father has remarried and frankly I think he is terrified of her. (Not that I blame him, because I am too.) So, my kids birthdays are three days apart. I don't recommend this situation to anyone thinking of having kids and it wasn't "planned" this way, so anyway, my kids birthdays are a HUGE headache for my husband and I.  And YES you raise an excellent point, isn't this supposed to be a fun time centered on our beautiful children and celebrating with hugs and love, cake and presents? Do my parents actually think we can coordinate FOUR birthday parties in a one week period for my two kids since they can't be in the same city at the same time? Are they at all aware their behavior ruins the most wonderful times of the year for others? The real issue here is this; aren't our parents, now grandparents, supposed to be providing us support instead of making our lives as parents more difficult? I am so very disappointed in my parents and it makes me feel sad too. I appreciate the opportunity to post and hear about others who are in the same boat.
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I have SO been there with childish, divorced parents. You are in a tough position that is no fault of your own, and you are doing your best to navigate through it. If your dad complains about not being invited, be clear and honest that it's simply too awkward. Two years is not a long time - it will probably take longer before being all together is less awkward. Treat yourself like you would a 5 yeard old who was feeling bad about their parents being difficult - with a lot of kindness and understanding.