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Something I struggled with and was a huge part of my life after the birth of my son was loneliness. I would have lived on this site as much as possible had the technology been there back then. I stayed at home with the baby all day while dad took our only car to work. My only escape were daily walks and when my grandparents would come, pick us up, and take us out for the day. This wore thin fast, but it was about a year till we were able to make some changes where I would drop my husband off at the bus stop instead. At the time, we lived in rural Folsom, so it was common to not see a soul on our walks. This was a really tough time for us.

As soon as my husband would walk through the door I was conflicted with joy at seeing another adult, and my need for a small break from baby duty. I watched the clock like a first grader waiting for the recess bell and became upset if he was even a few minutes late coming home. My poor husband couldn’t comprehend what I was going through; the hormones, new motherhood, being alone all day and needing a lot of attention from him. We struggled daily with our new roles and relationship.

Even though it is better these days for new mothers who have internet access and computers at home, I’m sure many of you still go through this process. What helped for me was making socialization with other moms a priority.

After about three months I joined a new mother group through the hospital where I had my son. This was a big step on my road back to normalcy. Even though I only saw these women and their babies once a week, it was a lifesaver. When my son was a little older, we joined Gymboree. Even though I wasn’t crazy about the program, just being out of the house and around other women with similar age babies was helpful. When my son was two we moved to San Jose where I joined a local mother’s group called Las Madres. We would meet for weekly play dates and held larger festivals and family fun days. I did manage to make a few friends and my son benefited from the socialization.

Loneliness, isolation and uncertainty are all very real feelings of early motherhood that people don’t discuss much. Yes, it is wonderful to have a new baby in your life, but if you chose to stay at home full time, it is vital to have a good support system in place and get back into the world (with your baby in tow) as soon as possible.

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I’m having an affair, with my husband. Now that may not sound very exciting, but trust me… it is. After fifteen years of man-cub being the center of this family and my universe, it is now time to shift back to me… and us as a couple. Fifteen years is a very long time to have everything revolve around one person. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t wonderful to give some of that energy back to my relationships and myself for a change.

As our children grow older, not only do they not need us as much, but they don’t want us around as much. My husband and I took this cue from man-cub early last year and ran with it. We’ll run errands together while man-cub stays home (his choice.) We’ll see a movie together, go wine tasting and just have nice dinners alone sometimes. We talk about things other than our son (gasp!) and spend time re-connecting.

Even man-cub’s recent birthday party was actually a lot of fun. My husband and I dragged games and movies into our bedroom for the evening while the kids had free reign over the living room. We had our own little pizza and soda (no wine while on kid watch) and just holed up in our room together like teenagers. It was wonderful.

I’ve been exploring questions like:

-What do I like?

-What do I want?

-Where do I want to go?

-What makes me happy?

All wonderful things to ponder and I feel spoiled to be able to indulge myself. My husband is in the same space. Once he was mostly a father/provider running around and taking care of everything. Now he can relax, play games, drink wine and enjoy life a little more. I must say… This man is even more romantic and fun than the father of my son! Heheh.

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Tomorrow my little “man-cub” turns 15. I never knew fifteen years could go so fast. In honor of him, this is a little “tribute to motherhood” blog.

Motherhood came knocking at my door at a tender age and when I wasn’t sure I was ready. I never could have imagined how this “surprise” would change my life and make me whole.

Being your mother has made me a woman. I laugh harder, love more, stop and smell the flowers and savor each day. I know what it means to really worry, really care, really wish and to have all those wish’s come true. When you ache, I ache. When you’re proud, I feel pride. When you stumble, I rush to catch you... but now I need to let you catch yourself (but not every time).

You’ve grown from a little boy to a young man in just fifteen short years. I’m so proud of the person you’re becoming and the child you were. You filled our home and hearts with such joy and I honestly wonder with admiration at who you are. Strong, Opinionated, Kind, Handsome, Creative, Unique… Words fail to describe you to others. My soul sings with pride to know that I helped (in some little way) to make you who you are today.

The world is better to have you in it. You are my miracle, my blessing, my son and I will love you every second of my life.

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Passion comes in many forms. Romance with another person, a zeal and zest for life, ultimate enjoyment of something… I consider myself to be a pretty passionate person. I have very strong opinions (I know, you’re all shocked to hear this); I am quick to love something and just as quick to dislike it. You may call it “fickle,” I call it passionate.

I’ve talked a little about my plans to join a local swim group in Davis (and my preparation to do just that.) Monday was my first day there. The pool was packed and I was in a lane with four other people for the workout of my life. Although I really enjoyed the workout, I did feel four people to a single lap lane was a bit out of my league. I talked to the coach after and he suggested I try a different time on Wednesday, assuring me there will only be two to a lane then. I show up Wednesday at the suggested time and… there are six people per lane! He’s actually thinking this is fine and telling me to jump right in.

Now, I hadn’t signed up yet, but would need to on that day. I told the coach there’s no way I was swimming in a lane with six other people! He understood and told me to “try again in an hour.” I had been passionate about my experience on Monday. I had really built this team up in my head and was very disappointed at the way things were going.

Some people would have gone back in an hour; others may have thought it no big deal and just quit swimming. I called a girlfriend, joined her on a swim at her local gym, and ended up loving it and joining her health club yesterday.

All of this GREATLY confused my husband. Why the sudden turn? I was so passionate about wanting to join this other team! Now one thing happens and I’ve totally changed my tune? In short… yes. The thing is, he thought I was passionate about the first swim team. What I was really passionate about was… ME!

It was about me getting healthy, swimming and loving it; me getting into a routine every other day of jumping into a pool and working my butt off. In the end, it really didn’t matter where. I wasn’t passionate about the coach, or the other swimmers, or the pool. I was (and am) passionate about my desire to change for the better.

Wish me luck you passionate women you!

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I am the kind of person who has to FULLY prepare before I can do something.

When I was just starting out at craft shows, I had to not only have a full inventory, but I had to build beautiful display stands and invest in lighting, table clothes, etc... all to help me prepare for the big day when I’d have my first show. A big job interview? I need a new suit, briefcase, bottle of water (in case the interview goes long), mouth spray, resume printed on top quality paper… you’re getting the picture.

This “uber preparation” takes over everything I do. First day of school for my son? Supplies bought, teachers met, campus visited many times, researched separation anxiety, etc… Some people my find this to be a tad much, I find it necessary.

Even my recent decision to join a local swim group involved some serious preparation. Speedo purchase…check, new goggles… check (I even knitted myself a goggle case!), swim cap… check, shower bag… check. Believe it or not, I even researched Michael Phelps swimming techniques! Call it anal, I call it being prepared!

Perhaps it stems from a fear of failure? Fear of the unknown? Control freak? Having a special needs child and needing to prepare for the unexpected, no matter what? I’m not really sure where this need comes from. It’s a big deal for me to feel as prepared as possible, no matter what the situation. Anyone else a “prepared freak?”

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About three years ago my husband and I went through a very serious “rough patch.” From this period in our relationship we both grew and learned. We went to therapy together and slowly grew to learn how to communicate.

Now if you would have asked either of us if we were good communicators, we would have said “yes” without hesitation. Upon reflection however, that was NOT the case. Talking isn’t the same as communicating. Communicating is knowing what you want/need, how to ask for it/convey that need (either verbally OR non-verbally) and then reciprocating.

How many women here have stopped doing something nice for their partner because they felt they weren’t getting any consideration in return? This is a tactic I would use often.

I also learned that women and men really do think and process information very differently. My husband used to assume that if something was wrong, I’d tell him (I assumed he should know without being told.) I assumed if he saw me working, he would jump to help out (he assumed if I needed help, I’d ask.) Our life was riddled with these false assumptions and a serious lack of communication.

Another point I learned was that how you word things and when you bring them up is crucial. Rather than think you’ll just “get over” a feeling, you really need to bring it up right away. Don’t write it off or tell yourself it “doesn’t matter,” or “I’m being silly.” If it affects you in any way, bring it up!

Here are some other tips for happy communication (whatever the relationship.)

-Try and see things from the other person’s point of view, but also make sure your own point is clear to them.

-Don’t assume the other person “just knows” and is intentionally not doing something or being thoughtless.

-Be VERY specific about what you want/need.

-Compliment and be positive (don’t just nag all the time.) “I really like how you made me coffee this morning.” or “It was so helpful when you occupied the kids while I took that phone call!”

-Invite the other person to do things with you. “I’m going to the store, would you like to come along?” Even if you think you know the answer, do it anyway.

-Be polite! Most people are more polite with strangers than their own partners. If you like your partners to have good manners (like opening doors for you) then tell them. “I really like it when you open the door for me. It makes me feel proud to be with someone who has such good manners.” (For example.)

-Don’t be passive aggressive or sarcastic with your communication. For example: “I sure wish SOMEONE would buy me some flowers! –sigh-“ (passive aggressive) or “You KNOW how much I HATE getting flowers!” (sarcastic) instead try… “I love it when you surprise me with some fresh flowers. I think it’s been a long time. You could surprise me today if you like!”

-When communicating I like to: 1) compliment 2) state what you want 3) why you want it 4) when you want it. For example: “It was so wonderful last time you helped man-cub study for his science test. You’re such a good father (1). Could you please help him with his science again tonight (2)? I have a meeting that I need to go to, so I won’t be here to help him (3).”  (4 was already stated…tonight.)

Good communication goes both ways. You’ll be shocked how wonderful it is to have this give and take of communication in your own relationships, and how refreshing it is to have to done to you as well!

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Something people never talk about when it comes to being a mother is fear. I was never REALLY afraid before I became pregnant, then fear and I became good friends. “What if something goes wrong? Is this normal? How can I possibly survive childbirth!” These are all fears I had when expecting. It didn’t end with the birth of my healthy baby either. “Is he breathing ok? Does he have a rash? Is he developing ok?” These are all fears I had when he came home. These fears also never went away, just changed. “Will he get into a good college? Be a good driver? Meet someone special? Not smoke, drink or do drugs? Call when he said?” Are all fears I grapple with today.

Fear doesn’t begin and end with being a mother however. As I age I become more aware of how fear tries to crawl its way into every aspect of my life, right down to my creativity. “What if no one likes it? What if everyone laughs?” These are thoughts that often race through my mind as I struggle to be creative. Doubts, criticism, fears, negativity, all are horrible parts of our minds and with us every day.

Fear is meant to keep us alive! From doing stupid things or being eaten by a lion, but how do you counteract those silly little fears that only amount to self-doubt and don’t help anyone? How do you push past the fear and into your life? Your role? Your job? Your adventures? Here’s some tips that always help me.

1) Argue the fear. Be rational about it. Is your fear founded? Or just worry? Try not to do this step out-loud (or wear a Bluetooth headset if you do so people will think you’re on the phone.)

2) Weigh the pros and cons. If you give into your fear what will happen? Will you miss out on something you really want? Not get an experience that will never come again? Or will it have little cause other than to make you more comfortable?

3) Get busy! I notice fear seems to creep up when we’re still or too quiet. The busier you are just DOING the less time you have to let fear and doubt get a hold of you.

4) Talk to someone. If fear, negative feeling and self-doubt occur often for you (or are actually getting in the way of your life), then talk to someone. A friend, partner or therapist.

Here’s to a year without fear and full of wonderful experiences!

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I love the feeling of a fresh start that comes with the New Year. Like a kid walking into the first day of school I feel ready for a clean sweep. New Year, new goals, new plans, new chances… you get the idea.

This feeling even spills over into my home. We spent this weekend not really cleaning per say, but clearing. I’m planning on having a yard sale as soon as the weather breaks, so that combined with the de-holidaying of the house made it a perfect time to organize, de-clutter and just clear out our home.

My husband and son are both avid collectors. This makes me crazy actually. If it isn’t something seriously special and you haven’t used it in a year, I think it should go! (Especially when you have a house as small as ours.) We usually find a middle ground on this issue and they can be forced to part with some lesser important items. Considering my husband has a whole room in our little home dedicated to his clutter, errr I mean… collections… I don’t think clearing through it all every year or so is unreasonable.

Once all our crud is in order, I feel so great! Like I can take on anything… even a new year! Now onto the cleaning side. Wish me luck!

Side Tips:

Cleaning products I ADORE

-Scrubbing Bubbles (used it since I was a kid. I STILL think it works great.)

-Soft Scrub w/ bleach

-Mrs. Meyers Clean Day products in lavender (pricy, but worth it)

-Baking Soda w/ white vinegar (great on drains)

-Diluted bleach (great on mold)

-Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser (works amazing on tubs)

-Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser Mop

-Webster (the round web grabber)

-Dyson (I’ve had mine for years and adore it!)

-Downey’s Lavender laundry products.

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I’m not really one for resolutions. Instead I believe more in continuous “checking in” with my self and a “work as you go” mentality. 2008 was a very busy year however and I did find myself doing a little “checking in” today. Today was also my birthday, and I think it’s normal to do a little resolution with yourself around that time anyway.

Since I hate the word “resolution” I will call them “goals” instead. My personal goals for 2009 are as follows…

~Relax more (I know this sounds odd, but I’m either “on” or “off.” I have a VERY hard time just relaxing.)

~Spend more time with friends

~Cut obligations to the bone. I felt very over-spread this Fall and have already cut many obligations that were just time suckers.

~Relax about school. It’s not a race and it's fine for me to only take one or two classes at a time. I’m only taking one this Spring.

~Do one thing well. Rather than doing 100 things at once, I’m going to try and focus more on doing what I already do even better! I know… GASP!

~Be less critical of my teenage son. Yes, wish me luck! I need to let that bird learn to fly and quit catching him all the time.

~Learn to knit (I’m already working on that one.)

~Do more art.

~Join the Master Swimmers (in Davis.) I used to LOVE to swim and really want to get back into it.

~Read more and watch less TV.

I think these are all do-able things for me. How about you? Any goals or plans?