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I had an interesting phone conversation last night with the vice principal at my son’s school. He’s had issues this year with some girls who he’s “friends” with not being so great to him and causing him problems, if not physical pain. Yes, my son has been “bullied” by girls (words I have a hard time saying out loud). Worse is that these girls are his “friends.”

When I think of a “bad friend” I think of a kid who does drugs or drink, hates their parents (and authority), does terrible in school and just is an all-around thug. I don’t think of my son’s real friends as “bad”. At least not until that conversation with the vice principal.

She pointed out to me that his choice in company wasn’t the best this year. It’s not that he got in trouble, it’s that they made his life more difficult and caused “drama.” No drugs, sex, booze or other obvious issues. But is that a good thing? I used to think so, now I’m not sure.

There’s one girl in particular, we’ll call her “Nancy.” Nancy had a huge crush on my son the whole year. She was very persistent and they had 4 out of 7 classes together. During a dry girl spell, my son caved, and they started peck kissing and holding hands. They never saw each other outside of school, but she seemed ok with this. My son’s guy friends weren’t exactly supportive of his choice in a girl and let him know. He and Nancy didn’t last long (obviously it was doomed from the start) and she didn’t take it well. She let him know this by stalking him, harassing him, stealing from him, and finally choking him and putting him in a head lock (yes, she is bigger than him.) It took me going down to the school and forcing the issue before he got more than a giggle from the staff. I’m not sure why! If he had been a girl and this was an x-boyfriend doing these things, they would have been expelled the second it turned physical. So why is it just “funny” when it happens the other way around?

I was told by the vice principal on the phone that my son sends “mixed messages” to these girls he’s friends with and that “they don’t know how to respond to that.” WHAT?! I’m not even really sure what she means by that, but I am sure that he’s not “ASKING” to be harassed, teased and assaulted by them.

I want to yell “DID YOU EVEN SEE IN HIS FILE THAT HE HAS ASPERGERS SYNDROME!?!?” I know she has, because we’ve known her for years. We’ve known her for years because she has an Autistic daughter my son’s age. So how she can know all that about him and still discuss these things with me like they’re his fault…

I replied by telling her, “Look, last year he had no friends… this year you’re saying he has the wrong friends! Maybe next year he’ll get it right. It looks like progress to me!” I also told my son to keep away from girls like that. “They aren’t your friends. Friends don’t do those things to each other. Don’t look at them, talk to them, have anything to do with them.”

I think what confuses him so much is just the word. If they tell him they’re his “friend”, he believes and trusts them. If then they’re mean or do something horrible, he goes to the office for help, and is told he’s sending them “mixed messages.” RRRRGGG!!

(Excuse my rant at this point)

 Can you tell I’m angry (by the length of my blog).
So what am I going to do about it?

1) Get my perspective back. Today is the last day of school and none of this really matters after today.

2) Help him more socially. The hard part of having such a high functioning “normal” special needs child is that even you can overlook when and where they need help. We’ll do some more role-playing and social skills work over the summer to better prepare him for next year.

3) Be more of an advocate. This is a hat I took off a lot this year thinking the school knew him well enough and he was old enough to advocate for himself a little more. I was wrong. Between the budget cuts, time crunch and amount of kids, they don’t have the time to listen to my son try and stutter his way through an explanation of why he needs help and what’s happening. They just either ignore him, don’t listen or rush him till they get the “jist” which is usually not the whole story. I will continue to be his voice, and if need be, his warrior.

4) Expect nothing from the school. I’m so tired of thinking that just because we have an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) that they all “know” him and what to expect, how to work with him ect… I will return to educating everyone in my path if need be, against their will if I have to. Why don't I just home school again?

I’m in full on Mama Bear mode today. Good thing I’m picking my son up in an hour and then going for a cold swim. Welcome to Junior High!