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Teeter Totter ~ Finding a Balance Between Me-Hood and Motherhood
Gender: female Date of Birth: January 01, 1973 Member Since: September 11, 2007 Last Signed In: November 20, 2009 Blog Views: 14718 Send To A Friend Sign Guestbook Add as a Friend
Growing That Acorn
Faith Need vs Want A Tight Budget Holiday The Play Priority Disney’s A Christmas Carol – A Mom Review Making it Easy on Yourself When It Rains… You Are Here Halloween with Older Kids September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 Teeter Totter Finding a Balance Between "Me-Hood" and "Motherhood" In this blog I'll be covering as wide a variety of subjects as the duties of a real mom in today's culture. From raising special needs children, family vacations, marriage, relationships, sex, cooking, local to-do, school (both for you and the children), working, hiring a daycare provider, arts and crafts, decorating, holidays, to well... EVERYTHING! No holding back. 
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FEARS!
My biggest fear is failure. What keeps me up awake at night isn’t the boogieman, or the threat of poverty, no… its thinking that I’ve let everyone down. The fear of letting myself down. Whenever I start to succeed at something and gain compliments, I freeze. If my husband starts to rave about how proud he is of me and how wonderful I’m doing in school, and in life, I honestly don’t know what to say. Part of me pulls back, almost as if just the words being spoken out loud will unleash some evil luck that will trip me up. Silly, I know. Success scares me. “Having it all,” makes me sweat. Keeping all the balls in the air and not dropping one; school, family, work, teaching, writing, exercising, makes me afraid. I feel in order to be truly safe, I have to be a screw up. I also realize and acknowledge just how little this makes any sense. I think part of the problem must be the well-established pattern in my youth of not having good things work out for me. Feeling so hopeful and optimistic, then having those hopes dashed. I think it must also partly be a defense mechanism. “Don’t get too excited cause you know you’ll screw it up in the end!” The major problem with that kind of negative self-talk is that you usually end up doing a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Drop out of school, break up with that guy, blow your budget… you get the idea. Actually taking control of my life, keeping my head high and thoughts positive and taking care of me feels nearly impossible. I’d much rather busy myself with my family and friends and what they need from me. I’m a better friend to others than I am to myself. I’m a better mother to man cub and wife to my husband than I am partner/nurturer to myself. Every day I still wake up with that fear of “What will I screw up today? How will I fail?” But I’m working on it. Just by putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one day at a time will get me where I need to go. I just can’t look at the big picture and not freak out just yet. Maybe tomorrow? 5 comments from 3 users
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posted by
motherofconfusion
on Oct 26, 2009 at 02:13 PM
I so get this. It was like growing up being told I was 'smart' -- felt like an insult. For someone so smart you'd think ... would be the comment I got when I didn't get something right. I still don't think I'm smart -- but have realized that being told that all the time made me feel like I had to be perfect at everything. There was no room for learning or trying in my mind. I have the same weird feeling when folks say 'oh you're a good mom.' First thing I think of is all the things I know I've done wrong and feel terrible about. I'm reading this book right now called "The Curse of the Good Girl." I think it's a must read for anyone who has a daughter, niece or is a girl or woman. It talks about how we approach conflict, or avoid it, and our interactions with others and how we're constantly trying to live up to this image of good (or perfect) and the results of our social interactions because of that. A great read and I recognized many of my own social habits in there. It's OK to drop the ball. In fact it's OK to toss that ball to the nearest capable body and tell them to run with it. Just have to give yourself permission to be a person :). Supermoms are a myth ... or robots. perhaps aliens. posted by
creatress
on Oct 26, 2009 at 02:16 PM
That sounds like a GREAT book! I'll have to pick it up the next time I go to the library. I love what you said about it's ok to drop the ball, in fact toss it. That is so true! Don't you find too that as the parent of a special needs child you have that added extra pressure to do everything right (and FOR everyone else?) Thanks for sharing. posted by
motherofconfusion
on Oct 26, 2009 at 09:19 PM
Interesting thought-- once upon a time I felt I had to smooth over certain things and make it seem like things were right when I knew full well my kids were different, even if not dx yet but I wanted them to be accepted. Then I went through the phase of these are my kids and they have x and x and that's why their different so open your mind and heart and accept them. Now -- I'm more like, these are my kids. In other news, my baby girl started crawling, frog hopping, walking like a spider tonight. Be a few more days before she's zooming. posted by
Rinkus68
on Oct 27, 2009 at 08:23 AM
Hey Creatress... your blog made my heart hurt today... wow. I've been where you're at... You can't be perfect - and if YOU feel you have to be perfect - what message are you sending to your boy? Had to make that sound as harsh as I did - because I was told these exact words about 4 years ago from my mother. I was having a breakdown about not being able to be the PERFECT mom... and not being able to deliver my child everything that I THOUGHT she needed... and my mom told me - If you feel this way - you're teaching my grandaughter that she's not RIGHT if she's not perfect... How profound is that??? Be gentle with yourself dear girl... and others will be there to help catch! Toss that ball sister! Sending love your way! posted by
creatress
on Oct 27, 2009 at 08:50 AM
That's so VERY VERY true! Something I know and fear. Of course I never want to give my son the message that he needs to be perfect, or even needs to TRY to be perfect. Your best try is always good enough. Thanks for the love!
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