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Those two little words can strike fear into any partner. “We need to talk.” Or “I need to talk to you.” Or even “Let’s talk.” For some strange reason, people in a relationship cringe when they hear those words. Why? What’s wrong with talking? When did communicating that you want to set aside time to discuss something with your partner become the same as slapping them?

We all need time to talk. We all have times when it is important to sit down, face-to-face and discuss things. It could be vacation plans, the budget, your future goals in life, having a baby (or another one), or just communicating.

Most men AND women I know do not want to have “the” talk. By “the” talk, I mean any conversation in which you need to stress how important it is to sit down and talk. Men get quiet (and busy) and women procrastinate like mad. Sadly, most of us have “the” talk when we’re angry, hurt, or at whits end, not before things snowball and it’s actually a good time to be logical, reasonable and open-minded.

My husband and I have had hundreds of these talks during our 17 years together. I’ve noticed that the longer we practice, the more we actually sit down and communicate, the easier it gets. If something was said that I don’t agree with, I really try and address it then and there. What you NEVER want to do is talk yourself down about it. “He didn’t really mean it. It’s no big deal. It will go away…” All bad things to say to yourself. You need to listen to your emotions AND your physical responses. Were your feelings hurt? Were you angry? Sad? It doesn’t matter if logically you think that’s not the right reaction, you had the reaction you had for a reason and you need to talk about it.

Here’s my quick tips for having a good “talk” with your partner. I hope you get some resolution and clear air this weekend!

1) Don’t “talk” in your bedroom. I don’t care how small your house is. Go for a walk, or to the park, or in your yard if you have to. Keep the bedroom for safety, relaxation and romance.

2) Do let the other person know ahead of time that you want to talk and find out when is a good time for them. Ideally it’s as soon as possible, but this is a considerate move that should help show that it’s no emotionally draining big deal. Just open communication. I like to "invite" my husband to join me in a glass of wine, tea or something soothing to open up the lines of communication.

3) Try not to get defensive if you partner gives you their point of view. You can say things like, “Thank you for sharing that with me, I didn’t realize that’s how you felt.” Or “I know telling me these things aren’t easy, thank you!” It’s important to encourage the communication process in your partner by letting them know you’re hearing what’s being said.

4) Think about what you want to talk about, or say before you sit down together. Good words to start with are, “I feel.” For example… “I feel really overwhelmed lately. I know you work full time, but my job with the baby is also very demanding. I can’t take care of the baby and the house. I need you to help me some more. It would be great if you could help me by (insert suggestions here.)”

5) Follow up. What will usually happen is you’ll both feel on cloud 9, wonder why you didn’t talk things out sooner and everyone will be on their best behavior, then go right back to their old ways. Stave this off by checking in. I like to have a “follow up” talk 1 week later. “I’ve been feeling so less stressed this week! I really appreciate you helping me out around the house more. It was especially helpful that you took over all the dishes.” You get the idea. They know you noticed, they hear how it helped AND get positive feedback for helping. That’s what we call “win-win!”