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Teeter Totter ~ Finding a Balance Between Me-Hood and Motherhood
Gender: female Date of Birth: January 01, 1973 Member Since: September 11, 2007 Last Signed In: February 08, 2010 Blog Views: 15893 Send To A Friend Sign Guestbook Add as a Friend
The Kid Whisperer
Mood Makeover What to do With Older Kids!? Education Crisis Still Struggling to Save No One Told Me… What’s in a Name? Family (non)Communication Family Time TV Need New Name September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 December 09 January 10 February 10 Teeter Totter Finding a Balance Between "Me-Hood" and "Motherhood" In this blog I'll be covering as wide a variety of subjects as the duties of a real mom in today's culture. From raising special needs children, family vacations, marriage, relationships, sex, cooking, local to-do, school (both for you and the children), working, hiring a daycare provider, arts and crafts, decorating, holidays, to well... EVERYTHING! No holding back. 
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Have you ever watched an episode of the Dog Whisperer and found yourself wishing Cesar Milan would come to your home and work his magic on your kid? I’m actually surprised how much of that show is relevant to child rearing and just plain good parenting (especially with teenagers.) Here’s some tips I’ve learned from Ceasar that keep me sane and my son healthy, happy and safe. 1) You’re the head of the pack! That’s right, you’re a parent first, not a friend. You need your child to respect you and knowing their place in the family (ie: pack) is comforting. Sending mixed messages about your leadership role will only cause stress and negative behaviors. 2) Exercise is mandatory. A restless, bored child will find a way to occupy themselves in ways that you may not always like or agree with (just like a puppy.) If you keep them busy with appropriate activities, not only will they keep out of trouble, but they’ll sleep better too! 3) Encourage behavior you want while discouraging what you don’t want. Don’t reward that bad behavior (ie, McDonalds because you’re tired and your kid nagged you for it all the way home in the car.) Instead re-direct negative behavior and reinforce the ones you want, (like “great job on that big test! NOW we can get McDonalds!) 4) Spend time with your kids. Children (like well behaved animals) don’t just know what to do. They need to be taught by example and shown what’s right and wrong. Meaning, don’t tell your child not to swear, and then put a sailor to shame. Kids, like animals, learn what they can get away with very quickly, and once that is learned, it’s much harder to re-learn. So spend lots of time with them and get it right the first time! 5) If you’re calm, they’re calm. I know… WAY easier said than done, but children (even babies) pick up on your stress and take cues from you on how they should react to a situation, even when you don’t know it. If you freak out, you’re telling them (by your behavior) that this situation warrants a freak out (even if it doesn’t.) So play it like Fonzie before letting your emotions take over. Ever see the episode of the Dog Whisperer with the totally high-strung neurotic owner who has no idea why little Fluffy is also a high strung mess? Even though your situation may not be that bad, even the best of us can be a negative example to our kids on how to handle stressful situations. Like the dogs on the show, your child will also find comfort in your calm, strong demeanor. It is my belief that just about all teenagers (heck, all people) suffer from some form of anxiety and or depression. My own Grizzly has struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember and this year also seems to be making friends with depression. I do not believe that things such as environment, diet, smell, sounds can singularly CAUSE depression and anxiety; I do believe that they can be a contributing factor. With these beliefs in mind, I turned my eye towards Grizzly’s bedroom. Let me just say that if this was MY bedroom, I’d be much more depressed and anxious than he was. In fact, I think I’d refuse to sleep in it. Heavy velvet curtains not only blocked out all light from the two small windows, but in this weather, they encouraged mold to form on the sill. This enchanting aroma mixes with the palatable stench crawling its way out of his closet to form an almost physical punch to the nose the second you entered his room. Gargoyls, bits of anatomy floating in jars and dragons line every shelf. In short, it looks like I raised a little biologist (or something much worse.) What’s a mom to do about such a state? What any good mom would do, get my butt to Target stat! I picked up a sheer cream tie valance that still matches the medieval theme of his bedroom, but lets in tons of light. Luckily Grizzly purchased a beta fish and live aquatic plant last week so I can use them both as an excuse for needing more light in his room. I also got him new sheets, mattress pad and some plants. I moved everything creepy out of direct line-of-sight (not out of his room mind you, that would be too invasive) and replaced it with something green or soothing. I put funny books high up on his shelves and moved more serious works (like our friends Dante and Poe) down low. I think it’s impossible to be depressed if you’re reading Calvin and My son actually liked the makeover and seems to be sleeping a little better. He hated having actual sunlight in his room at first, but after a few days he seems to be getting used to it. A little baking soda on the window sill and a spray of Fabreeze in the closet took care of the funk. Something I saw at Target disturbed me though and I think it’s worth pointing out. I saw a full line of light blocking curtains, including ones special made for children’s rooms stating something like: “Let your kids get their sleep and block out the light!” Now just how do you think that would play with their moods, and hormonal regulation? Do you think their body may reduce Melatonin production (the chemical your body naturally makes to make you sleepy) until they can’t sleep, or wake up on their own? Just a little food for thought on how the choices you make (or don’t make) can affect your child’s health. And if you have a teen (like me), at least get them a plant and a can of Fabreeze! Every now and then I like to share some ideas of things to do and places to go in the Sacramento area with older kids. Once children hit Jr High age it seems to be a real struggle to find “family” activities that they not only don’t mind, but enjoy and look forward to. Here’s a few thoughts to get you rolling… Go see a play at the B Street Theater Right now there’s a great play for families with tweens, pre-teens and young adults: Intelligent Design of Jenny Chow (B3) It’s getting rave reviews and is playing till Februrary 20th. Click Here for more info! Pick your own ceramic piece, paint it and have it fired for you. An activity any age will enjoy. Click Here for more info. One of my son’s favorite places to go nestled right in the heart of old Sacramento. You could even walk under the tunnel to see a movie at the Downtown Plaza after some fun window shopping. Click here to check out Evangelines. Now, I’m a little biased when it comes to things to do in Davis as it is my adopted hometown. I still swear it is the best place to find things to do with a teenager. We have a great comic book store, Bizarro World, complete with vintage arcade games ready for some play, Woodstock’s pizza with pinball and great food, the arboretum if your child enjoys nature, the Bohart Entomology center for the little scientist… you get the idea. (Click on each to go to their pages.) No matter if you have a son, or daughter, they will both love all the choices at one of Sacramento’s many bead stores. Pick out your project supplies and make your creation right there with knowledgeable staff to help you all. I love taking Grizzly to an art supply store to pick something out that we’ve never done before. Clay, pastel, cards, stamps… You can find inexpensive “beginner” kits at stores like Michaels, Alphabet Moon and Aaron Brothers to play around with. An “old faithful” activity that I like to pull out (especially when the weather’s bad) is to drag Grizzly into the kitchen with me. It doesn’t matter if we’re baking, or making a nice dinner, just having our focus on a joint project often opens the door to great conversation. If you want to get really fancy (and you have a kid who doesn’t mind spending THAT MUCH time with you), you could even plan a meal together from start to finish. Grizzly loves shopping at Whole Foods in Sacramento and considers that to be quite a treat! This Saturday all museums in the Sacramento area are free! Take advantage and open your child’s eyes to new thoughts, ideas and beauty. We love taking in a museum or two, then getting a treat and talking about what we saw. Click Here for more info. I received a letter from our Davis Joint Unified District that shocked me. Just in Davis, our schools will be short 5.6 million dollars for the 2010-11 school year. Thank you so much Mr. Schwarzenegger for putting the health, safety and education of our children first! Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg, and I’m also only talking about Davis. I too am in school full time this semester and am paying more, for fewer classes. Many of my classes had students spilling out the door and into the hallway, more still had no seat. There were also quite a few classes I still need for my major, but just weren’t being offered due to budget cuts and layoffs. Just what kind of message are we sending about education? How are we making a better future for our children when they’re paying more, getting less and being made to feel like their voice doesn’t matter? Teachers are treated no better than the students, don’t get me wrong. They are under-paid, over-worked, and in some situations, under-trained and educated for their expectations. I was telling my husband the other day how lucky we are to have Grizzly in a public charter school. We get small class size, wonderful teachers who are experts in education and their subjects and special grants and other funding that regular public schools don’t. At the huge high school I feel like my child would just be another number on a sheet. At his charter school, he’s a member of a community (as it should be!) If I had a kindergartner right now, I’d be scared. I think I’d be unable to be in school myself, and instead would have to work full time at a job I hated just to send my son to private school, or it’d be my full time job to get an acceptable charter school off and running. How do you parents of younger children feel who are in the public school system? Are you worried about budget cuts and class size? Do you worry at all about the future and what college will cost or if your child can even get in? Are you contemplating switching to private school after the latest budget announcement? We’re well into the New Year and I’m wondering how many of us are still struggling for ways to cut corners and make ends meet at home. I think it’s safe to guess the answer would be… all of us? I’m a full time student right now and thanks to furloughs at my husband’s work, we’ve had to pull those purse strings tighter than ever. With some hunting around at the bottom line however, I’ve managed to save a few more dollars than before. Here are some easy changes we made that you may want to consider as well. ($27-30 a month savings) We dropped our long distance service and just use our cell phones for all long distance calls. We weren’t using all our minutes to begin with, but if you’re worried about your minutes, most plans have unlimited talk time after 8PM. ($30 a month savings) We switched all our regular prescriptions from getting one month supply at a time to three months supply at a time. This saves us about $10 per prescription co-pay fees. ($20-$30 a month savings) Just by purchasing our staple items in bulk (eggs, coffee creamer, butter, olive oil) we save this much per month easily. Dairy items are WAY cheaper when bought in bulk at discount warehouse shops vs. your local supermarket, even with a coupon and on sale. Especially true if you buy organic dairy. ($90 a month savings) We cut our cable off 100% back in October 09 and never missed it. We belong to Netflix, watch Hulu and have other entertainment options. We also –gasp- READ much more than we used to (and the library is a great source of free entertainment!) ($600 a year savings) We raised the deductable on our homeowners and auto insurance policies. If you choose to do this, you will indeed save money, just try and make sure you have enough in your savings to cover your deductable amount in case of an emergency. Here are a few other quick miscellaneous tips: -Use a water filter and your own bottle rather than buying pre-bottled water. This savings will add up quickly! -Invest in a new washer and dryer. You’ll get a great rebate on an Energy Star washer and save a ton on your water and electric bill in the long run. -Line dry your laundry when the weather is nice. -Re-negotiate contracts (memberships, insurance rates, mortgages…) -If you’re a student (or have one in college) apply for student aid and scholarships. -Open the curtains and turn off the lights. -Unplug devices you aren’t using (and turn off power bars) -Pack your lunch (kids too!) -Make your own cleaning products rather than sinking money in expensive (and often harmful) store brand cleaners. -Make your own coffee or tea in the morning rather than picking some up on the way (save that just for a special treat.) -Make thoughtful gifts rather than buying them (like brownies or scented bath salts.) -Look second hand before you buy new. Smart for the earth and easy on your wallet! No one told me that to live with a teenager means having a constant ball of fear, worry and anxiety coiled like a serpent in the pit of your gut. No one told me how fast that little baby would grow. How one day it would be a free-thinking adult who might have ideas and opinions of their own (that maybe don’t mesh with yours?) No one told me that one harshly chosen word spewed in the heat of anger at you from your child could pierce through your well constructed armor and get you right in the heart. No one told me that everyone else in your life, even you, would drop by the wayside like so much shed skin once you hold that baby in your arms and look in their eyes. No one told me how hard this person would make me laugh, how raw they would make me feel or how fiercely I could fight, when I knew I was fighting for them. No one told me how things like dust and laundry don’t mean a thing when there are Lego’s to be played with and play dough to make. No one told me how small the window of learning is in your child and how even smaller is the window where they think you’re right! No one told me to count every kiss, savor every hug and catch every wave to enjoy later when the world seems cold and unfriendly. No one told me being a mother would be so messy, painful, beautiful, draining and thrilling a journey as it is. I guess there are some things words just can’t say… Thanks to everyone who played along with my “new nickname for mancub” blog. The son previously called man cub had a wonderful sweet 16 on January 23rd and is “man cub” no longer. Since he started off life being called “baby bear,” moved onto “little bear” and then to “man cub,” it seemed obvious that the new “older” name also have something to do with bears. I loved ntownsend’s suggestion of “Grizzly Atom” and decided to go with Grizzly. He does in fact often act like a grizzled old man, so I loved the double meaning of the word. Grizzly bears are rare, and my kid’s one in a million. He’s also at least 6’4 now, and that also fit. I’ve always considered myself a mama bear when it comes to my son, so it’s a perfect name now that he is his own fish chowing grizzly (surprisingly accurate!) So, without further ado… man cub will now be blogged as Grizzly (or Griz, depending on my level of silliness for the day.) A much more fitting name for my cub-no-more. If you have an older child, the thought of “family communication” most likely calls forth a deluge of nausea and makes you want to reach for your wine glass. Am I right? I secretly consider the phrase to be a bit of an oxymoron. How can a family with a teen really COMMUNICATE together? Despite any pre-conceived notions I had about our family’s communication style pre-puberty (foolishly thinking we all had it covered and were pro’s by now), I’m learning we know Jack. When your child hit’s that wonderful stage of life, most communications grind to a halt. They “read into” everything you say and do, you second guess everything you say and do, their hormones are in full swing and your nerves are raw. In short, this makes for salted earth to grow a healthy relationship in. I’m learning that to have effective family communication, you need to think on your toes, change with the tide and not be married to any one technique. Recently man cub has been putting us through the ringer. Much of the issues have been stemming from either mis communication, or a total lack of it. Add the fact that he has Aspergers Syndrome to the mix and you have the ingredients for a catastrophe. I’ve had to take a big step back, cue up Google, and find new and more effective strategies for us all to communicate with each other because what we were trying wasn’t working. I like that old saying that the true definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. What wasn’t working was my husband and I showing our united front and talking “at” (even if we thought it was “to”) man cub together. What also wasn’t working was this grilling “we need to talk” atmosphere of us all in one room boring holes in each others heads with our eyes. How could we expect man cub to come to us with anything if this was the kind of audience he would get? He wasn’t, and I’m sure this would continue if we didn’t change our “communication style" with him. The next time we needed “to talk” I asked man cub if he’d rather talk to me, or dad. Dad was picked and I left the room. This turned out to be a great move and a lot of headway was made. No more 2:1, lesson learned. Thanks to a great site I found regarding parenting teenagers with Aspergers I’m also implementing these changes. 1) We now have a family “Communication Book.” It’s simply a binder full of blue paper (blue is soothing) where we can write notes to each other. It can be something as simple as “I missed you today” or something man cub wants to tell us, but doesn’t want to (or feel comfortable) talking about. I told him he can write down that he doesn’t want to talk about it and we won’t even bring up what he shared. It's kept in the middle of the coffee table at all times. 2) No “interrogation” style talks. Kids with AS not only feel uncomfortable giving eye contact, they don’t like getting it. This makes a lot of sense when I remember how all our best conversations take place in the car or on walks (no eye contact.) I told man cub if he wants’ to “talk” with us while doing other things (walking, playing a video game, etc…) we’re fine with that and don’t need the eye contact either. What he’s thinking, saying and feeling are much more important to us than where anyone’s looking. He loved both these changes and yesterday was the best day we’d had as a family since before Christmas. If you have an older child who suffers from any kind of anxiety, I suggest giving them a try! It’s never too late to teach an old parent some new tricks. Especially if it will keep the communication lines open. I never quite realized until recently how having a family TV show helps us bond with our teen. We’re not really “TV people” and we watch less than most people I know, but being able to all three sit down and laugh together is a really important part of what keeps us all close and stress-free. Upon reflection, I realized this was also true when I myself was an adolescent. It seems the only time we weren’t all fighting and I didn’t hate my parents was when the Cosby Show or Family Ties came on. No teenager wants to spend too much time with their parents, but when the soft glow of the TV comes on and ice cream comes out, they suddenly transform back into that little child who wants to spend every waking moment with you. It’s like…magic! Our favorite family shows have varied through the years. It began with Little Bear and I Love Lucy, and then eventually progressed to Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock. All have one thing in common, they make us laugh. The family that laughs together can get through anything together. Or so I’ve come to believe. When times get tough and you can cut the teen tension with a knife, nothing makes us forget our stress quite like 30minutes spent side-by-side on our cozy couch bonding over what Liz Lemon is up to this week. Man Cub will turn 16 next Saturday and I feel silly continuing to call him “Man Cub” in my blog. I’m looking for a new name. Please post a comment below on what you think I should start calling this quickly maturing offspring of mine when I blog about him! All comments will be considered and I really will pick one to replace “Man Cub.” I’d like to have a new nickname picked by his birthday on Jan. 23rd. Good Luck! No, I’m not talking about exercise, or following your dreams or anything as big as that. I’m talking about finding the time to socialize. For me, there’s always something going on, always a reason why I can’t make time to see my friends. These past few weeks however, “Just Do It” has been my motto. I sent out an Evite to some friends for a “girl’s tea” at my place today. I knew it would be a bad time for all of them (weekday morning), but it was good for me, so I just did it. I needed a treat after our big school meeting yesterday (big assessment for man cub that only happens every three years.) I wanted to relax, sip tea and nibble scones with whoever could make it. Lucky for me, two of my girls can! I also really wanted to see one of my good friends this week. Have a little girl time. She has two little girls, works full time and has a life bursting at the seams. Still, we managed to squeeze in some mid-week evening time at her place. We both “Just Did It.” Or as we may say in our house (because we like to be silly), “I Doos It!” There is never a good time to get together with your friends, to make a call, to meet up with someone for an hour. You just have to see a crack of opportunity and “Do It.” It’s a great way to refill your tank after a long break without “adult time.” I was an only child. My son is an only child, as is my cousin. This makes for a very small close-knit family. I always looked at this as a positive, but lately I’m wondering… is it? Is being an only child really such a good thing? Your parents have more money and time just for you. You get to experience things children with siblings never will. Man cub has a suit, has eaten at some amazing restaurants, had his mom around almost full time and got to enjoy growing up in a home his parents own. None of these things would have been possible for us if he had siblings. However, he also gets all of our focus and attention (for better, or worse) and as parents, it’s easy to lose our perspective. That attention can mutate to hyper vigilance without even meaning to. He’s grown up to believe that everything we do, we do for him (a fact he obviously enjoys.) He’s been indulged and made the center of attention so many times that at this point he believes that’s how the world works. And we, tend to think everything that happens is a huge deal (again, for better or for worse.) I actually wanted more children when man cub was still a cub. It was my husband who didn’t. As man cub grew and we learned he had Aspergers Syndrome, I breathed a sigh of relief that we didn’t. I knew I couldn’t be the advocate I needed to be for him and juggle more than one child, possibly even two with a disability. Some people can do this beautifully, I personally know my limits. Now, in the tenth grade and going through the roller coaster of drama and emotions, I find myself wishing we had a little more balance. I’m not finding this balance in having another child in our home; I am finding it in reaching out and networking more. Joining other chat rooms of parents with special needs teenagers, attending monthly meetings and support groups for parents with special needs kids, heck! Even just talking with other moms here always helps my compass point north again. Do I wish I would have had another child? Sometimes. I do think we made the right choice for our family, and hopefully the right choice for man cub. I know that it’s given me the tiny bit of space I needed to find myself, yet remain a devoted mother and wife. I was raised that whenever the “shiznit” hit the fan, it was time to break out the soothing food. At our house it’s called “smoothing” as that’s how man cub used to say “soothing” and I liked it so much better that it stuck. Some of my childhood “smoothing” foods were orange smoothies (orange juice with orange sherbet in a blender) served up alongside tomato soup with crushed black pepper and Ritz crackers. This comfort food got me through tough times alongside a box of Kleenex. Little changes in the world of the mom out to sooth her man cub. Now a box of Puff’s Plus with Aloe is the preferred tissue. Peanut M&M’s serve the necessary chocolate requirement, while still looking out for your protein needs. High carb meals loaded with love (and olive oil) usually make the list, as does anything with bacon on it, or in it. I think that fatty grease is like a balm for your heart. I have yet to meet someone who reaches for the salad bowl in times of distress (though I do know many who go for a run.) Why is it that the rich foods are the ones that make you feel so much better inside? We all know that frozen yogurt doesn’t mend a broken heart nearly as fast as chocolate cake, or our old buddies Ben & Jerry’s. Why is that? What comfort food do you reach for when you need smoothing? Do you ever have a to do list so long that you just take on a big project instead? That’s been the story of my week this week. I think part of it is an effort to not send man cub away to boarding school for the remainder of his teen years. Part of it is avoidance of exercise (I’ve been really bad about that this week), part is avoidance of two big projects that have been at the top of my to do list since before the holidays. I think part is also just nervous energy about being a full time student in a few weeks. Whatever it is, my house has never looked better, or been more organized. Every day I’ve been taking on a new project with the house. Feeling a sudden overwhelming urge to organize and re-arrange something. Little DIY projects that have been bugging me for years now need to be taken care of right away. I know I’m not alone in this ritual. In times of stress all the women in my family take to feathering their nest. I know for a fact before any large family gathering my aunt takes to cleaning out her junk drawer rather than starting with the most obvious need on her to do list. A classic case of productive procrastination. What I really need to do is just get my dang shoes on, go out for a run, then sit down at the computer and knock out the proposals that I’m avoiding. But my vacuum really could use a good cleaning out today… I’m a planner by nature. Not spontaneous at all. The more I know about what’s coming around the bend and the more I have planned for it, the better I feel. This isn’t to say that I don’t “think on my toes” because I think all moms do this. I just like having and knowing the plan. This is one comfort about being a student rather than working full time. In school you know what classes you’re taking, what you’ll need, you get a syllabus and have dates to circle on your calendar. Not so with a full time job. My school starts in a few weeks and like a marathon runner in training, I’m gearing up for it. I have a new desk, (thank you SPCA thrift store!) my schedule, my books and feel pretty ready. Like a general giving that last speech before heading into battle, I just need to prepare my family. I’m going to be doing a lot more meal planning, bulk weekend cooking, breaking out ol’ crock pot and expecting everyone to pitch in and pull their weight. As much as my boys love me, this may be tough change from the mom who cooked everyone a full breakfast every morning and dinner every night, to suddenly fending for themselves. I’m convinced with lots of communication however, we can do it! Running and exercise are an important piece of my stress release these days (as is bacon.) With my crazy new schedule of full time school, I’ve already sat down and written out what I need to do every minute of every day to fit it all in. Am I screaming “control freak” yet? Don’t worry, I won’t be offended. Of course I know life doesn’t really run on a schedule and what I’ve laid out for myself is more a “best case scenario” or “guideline” rather than set in stone. How do you work at your best? Any tips for busy moms that you swear by? I always love hearing how other people do it all. Something I will never get used to as a parent is how man cub seems to grow and change overnight. You’d think this would stop, or even slow down once the big checkpoints are hit like walking, talking, starting school, etc… Instead I’m finding that it apparently never stops. During the holiday break man cub went from cub to 100% man overnight. It was as if someone flipped a switch in his brain and suddenly he didn’t need us nearly as much anymore (I know he still needs us, despite what he may think.) Even though it was a wonderful Christmas, there definitely was family tension. He’s a young man now and wants certain freedoms and liberties. I’m used to being the mother of a boy and still have a tendency to “over-mother” him. Yesterday I decided we all needed to have some communication time. I called a family meeting to talk about some changes. I told man cub that he was communicating with me through his actions that he feels he’s ready for more freedom and adult responsibilities. I told him that I was hearing him loud and clear and was happy to comply, but we needed to work a few things out. First I told him that I expect him to complete his daily responsibilities on his own (w/o nagging from me.) I told him he needs to pick a system for doing these items where I can just look and see that they’re done (and where he also gets a visual reminder.) He decided a check-list system posted on the fridge would be the best way to do this. A simple spread sheet for the week with a box he can mark off when done. We’re talking very simple things; taking out the trash, feeding the dogs, taking his pills, etc… The heart of his responsibilities. We also decided that he would get 3 warnings every 2 weeks if he doesn’t stick with the deal. After 3 its no screens at all for a week. If he keeps up his end, I will not nag, give him privacy and let him make more of his own choices (like how much soda to drink, what to wear to school, etc…) I cannot begin to tell you how hard that is for me. To give up control and let him make his own choice. It’s like watching your baby bird fly right into a window, but knowing you can’t save him all the time. The talk went really well and this morning was the first day of our new deal. I started to backslide a little when he wanted to wear a top hat to school (the one in the picture, a gift from his cousin.) Luckily my husband was there to remind me that these are the very power struggles that don’t matter and he should have control of. Thank goodness I have him to help me through this! Oh, and on the girlfriend front, the hicky lasted longer than the relationship. I think we’re both learning a lot and growing. I’m just being forced to do it overnight too.
This year we seemed to have time for all the old traditions we love; cutting down our own tree, decorating the house, sipping cocoa and hot cider, watching our favorite Christmas movies, but even found time for some new ones. Thanks to furloughs, this is the first year my husband has been able to take so much time off of work around the holidays, two weeks straight to be exact. I actually loved it! Everything went at a slower pace and we all just savored each day as it came. We went for daily walks together, drove around as a family to look at holiday lights in our neighborhood, went to Old Sacramento and saw their holiday show and did all of our shopping together. Not only that, but yesterday we all three un-decorated the house (something that I always do on my own and used to take me a full day.) There was an easy sense of togetherness this Christmas that I don’t think I’ve felt before. I hope all of your holiday season was as perfect. Enjoy the “blue moon” out tonight! If man cub could have wished for anything in the world for Christmas, I think he would have wished for a girlfriend. A beautiful, kind, funny girlfriend who’s crazy about him. Well, just two days before Christmas, he got that wish. She’s stunning, sweet and nuts about him. They’ve known each other for about a year now, but she doesn’t go to his school. They’re the same age and her mother doesn’t let her date. This doesn’t keep them from dating, it just makes for interesting one-sided phone calls on her cell. When they aren’t together in-person, they’re texting each other all the time. I got to meet her for the first time the other day. Before she came over I told man cub they were welcome to hang out in the game room. There’s a TV in there with a comfy couch. I said it was cool with me if they even wanted to close the door, just nothing more than kissing though (I believe in being direct.) I told him they need to know each other way better and that he needs to be a gentleman and keep it to kissing. He rolled his eyes, sighed and said that was the plan. Apparently the plan was also to take her straight to his room and close the door, something I wasn’t expecting (nor did I tell him not to.) I could hear them talking, so I let it go for a while. When it got too quiet however, I gave a knock and told man cub to come here. When he emerged from his room he was sporting a dark hickey the size of a golf ball on the side of his neck. Hmmmm, I guess that does still count as kissing? I told him I wasn’t comfortable with them in his bedroom and he needs to take it to the game room. He was good about it and they did just that. No further issues. Of course, all of this made me remember when I was a teenager and how quickly hormones take over your brain. He’ll be sixteen at the end of January and let’s just say that he’s taking things much slower than I did at his age. Yes, I wish I could seal him in a time capsule till I thought he was ready for such a sexually mature relationship (again, stick to kissing man cub!) I’m wise enough to know that I just don’t have much control over every single thing he does anymore. MERRY CHRISTMAS ~ HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I hope you all have a wonderful time with your families this week. Man cub got a date for Christmas yesterday. Now that's ONE gift you can't put under the tree. I hope you have your own bit of joy, a bubble bath, glass of wine and cheer. I'll be back to blogging next week! The other day man cub came home and asked me point blank if he could get his lip pierced. After overcoming my immediate urge to scream “NEVER” in his face and lock him in his room till 40, I calmly explained why that was a terrible idea. Dental health, infection, job prejudices, plus you have to be 18 to get one anyway. As long as I explain my reasons in a way he understands (not just “because I said so!”) he listens really well. After our talk about how that’s just never going to happen (as long as I have some say over it), I mentioned that I was pretty sure they make fake ones. His interest perked up at that. I told him I would be totally fine with the idea of him getting a fake one to surprise his friends and pretend that he had it done. No pain, no infections, can be removed whenever… win win. Somehow this concept of getting a fake lip ring turned into a prank idea on my husband. I told my son that the best place I could think of to buy a fake piercing was Evangelines in Old Sacramento. Turns out, I had been wanting to go there anyway to see their new holiday light show (it was excellent by the way. If you get a chance, I really suggest making the trip to see it.) Yesterday was the big day. All three of us piled in the car and made our way to Old Sacramento and K Street. My husband becomes quickly overwhelmed and bored in Evangelines, so he soon left us to window shop while he went to Take 9 across the street. This was our big chance! We bought the fake lip ring (not sure if that’s what it was intended for, but it worked great.) I slipped it on him and we rehearsed a few times. The stage was now set. We walked into Take 9 with man cub covering his mouth with his hand. I told my husband, “Honey, don’t be mad but I have something to tell you.” Then I said how man cub had talked to me the other day about wanting a piercing and I decided it wasn’t that big a deal. That we knew he’d be mad, so we ducked out to the Tattoo shop a few doors down and had it done just now. Then man cub dropped his hand to show off the new lip ring. My husband looked like a fish out of water. Silence is the worst kind of mad there is. Man cub (not wanting his dad to suffer too long) bursts out laughing and tells him it’s fake. We all had a good laugh about the prank on dad. One thing however… I had actually told my husband about the planned prank a few days before and being the wonderful father that he is, he went along with it for man cub. See, there are funny pranks, then there are pranks that could end with a Christmas coronary. I knew the piercing would look pretty real (check out the pictures here!) and I didn’t want a DOA hubby for the holidays. It was a pretty good trick however; one that man cub’s looking forward to pulling on all the family this week. Did you know that J.K. Rowling was in her 30’s when the first Harry Potter book was published? Did you know that Laura Ingalles Wilder didn’t start seriously writing till she was in her 40’s and was well into her 60’s when the first Little House on the Prairie book was published? Did you know that Julia Child was 36 when she first enrolled in Le Cordon Bleu? So what’s wrong with being a late bloomer anyway? Who gets to say when you’re too old to follow your dream? When we first moved to Davis (about nine years ago now) people would ask me if I was a student all the time. My reaction was to laugh, thank them, and tell them I was too old. Boy was I wrong! On January 19th I start my first day of being a full time student. I’m still chipping away at my transfer requirements, but hope to be at UC Davis in a year or two. My goal… a PhD. I know I can do it too! It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Grandma Moses was well into her 70’s before she found any kind of fame for her art. She lived to be 101 years old and had great acclaim and success. Just listen to your heart, be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would your beloved children. You’re never too old and you CAN do anything! As promised, here’s the follow up report about our “nag free Wednesday.” Turns out, it was a brilliant idea! I’m tossing confetti in the air (not really, who wants’ to vacuum?) and patting myself on the back for coming up with that one. To recap, man cub pointed out (and risked his own life in the process) that I had been rather naggy lately. In spite of my gut reaction to deny the accusation, he was right. I told him to pick a “nag free” day, and he chose yesterday. The goal was to tell him things only one time rather than again and again. I was convinced he would drop the ball BIG TIME! Once again, I overlooked how he loves to prove me wrong. He woke up on his own, on time, without so much as a peep from me. Made his own breakfast, fed the dogs, took out trash, took his pills and made his lunch. Yes, I too thought aliens or elves must have replaced my child in the middle of the night with some perfect being not of this world. It was a holiday miracle! Nag free Wednesday went over so well that we’ve extended it to nag free Thursday. I have yet to repeat myself once. Oh the thrills of a nag free life! I’ve learned that I was underestimating him and he’s learned how much better it is to go through your day independent without being nagged. Now hopefully we’ll make it all the way to nag free Friday! The Hogwarts teachers don’t have anything on us moms. To be a good parent, you need to be a magician. “Poof!” I’m your friend, tell me anything. “POOF!” I’m the disciplinarian teaching you right from wrong. “Poof!” I’m the head chef of a four star restaurant. “POOF!” I’m a professional organizer. Well, you get the idea. I think this rings even more true when you’re the parent of a teen. Every day is a roller coaster ride of emotions and unexpected turns with man cub. “Will I get the sigh/eye roll combo today or will he be pleasant and respectful? Will he do what’s expected or will I need to pull out the cop hat and whistle?” I feel like a runner poised at the starting gate, but not knowing if it’s a sprint or a marathon that I’m needed for today. Lately it seems man cub can’t make a single move without being reminded. “Feed the dogs, take out trash, take your bath, go to bed…” Did I mention he’ll be 16 at the end of January? Last week he dared to utter the dreaded words “You’ve been nagging me a lot lately.” Did you gasp? Picture a black and white movie where the camera pans in tight to the mothers narrowing eyes? Yes, I was also stunned at his bravery in calling a spade a spade. I snap back with “WELL… if you would REMEMBER to do what you’re RESPONSIBLE for, then I wouldn’t have to tell you 100 TIMES!!!” He was right though, we’re caught in a vicious cycle of him not doing what he needs to do and me nagging him about it. I chewed on that for a few days and came up with a plan. “Pick a day next week” I said “Where I will only tell you things ONCE. It will be nag free day and we’ll see how it goes. I’ll wake you up once, call you to eat once, remind you of something only once.” GREAT!” He said “Next Wednesday.” Yes, I am most curious how it will turn out. Will he get to school on time? Bring a lunch? Feed the dogs? Remember his school bag? It’s either the best idea I’ve ever had or the worst, I’ll keep you all posted either way! Any busy mom will tell you that there’s no such thing as a sick day for her. Other family members can get sick, stay in bed, be taken care of… but for some reason the world seems to come crashing down if mom does this. Am I right? Like most moms this means that when I get sick, I pretend it’s not happening. Man cub was home Monday and Tuesday from school (5th time this year) sick with a cold. I did the mom chant of “Let me not catch this one!” Sprayed everything with Lysol, took my vitamin C and kept my fingers crossed. In spite of my best efforts, this stupid cold bit me in the nose and brought me down. Not hard, but hard enough to make it difficult to ignore and carry on with my day. I managed to pretend it was fine on Tuesday and Wednesday, but come Thursday I knew I had to give myself a sick day. I had made it through the “must do” part of my week and was ready to take a –gasp- day off to recover. The sad thing is that I’m still trying to remember just how to take care of myself. I asked myself “What would I do for man cub if he was home sick?” Number 1 on my list? Make myself a big healthy breakfast (I almost didn’t even notice that I was hungry!) Now, I do try and eat breakfast every day, but it will be a banana, oatmeal, cereal, boiled egg… I’ve NEVER in my life made a really nice breakfast just for myself. I decided that was what I needed. I made myself a healing, hearty breakfast of sautéed spinach, mushroom and garlic omelet, bacon, toast, big glass of OJ (with Calcium and vitamin D of course!) Topped off with a steaming hot cup of herbal tea. Check out the picture if you don’t believe me! (I had to record this moment so I remember how to take care of myself in the future.) I ate my breakfast, put on my coziest jammies and socks and vegged in front of old movies all day. It was glorious. The only problem is, I feel a little worse today (I think it’s graduated into a sinus infection). I couldn’t afford another “sick day,” but I’m anticipating a sick evening where my boys can take care of ME for a change! No one told me that when you get off your tush and actually start to exercise after not doing so for… um… a while… that your skin would look like a teenager who fell asleep with their face in a bowl of bacon. I mean really! What gives!? About three days after beginning my new exercise routine (jog/walking every other day, gym cross training every other day), my face decided to join the holiday season and erupt in red bumps bigger and brighter than Rudolph’s nose. The feeling reminded me a lot of when I was first pregnant with man cub. No one told me that when you’re pregnant you still have cramps. Cramps so bad and for so long it feels like your worst period, but goes on way past seven days. No one told me that your skin would break out in lovely pimples. No one told me that even a shirt would make your chest ache (Is that what they were implying by the word “sensitive?” Because that’s not exactly the adjective I’d have picked!) I’ve been reading quite a few “running for women” books lately, just like I read all the “What to Expect” books when I was first expecting. Not ONE mentioned the hideous eruptions (that according to the internet are very common) that would plague my face and neck for a month. The only thing that made them go away was a combination of liver detox tea, lymph massage, Epsom salt baths, green clay face mask and tea tree oil acne spot treatment. Oh yeah, aren’t you wallowing in jealousy at the fun I’ve been having? I smell woodsier than a Christmas tree lot. FINALLY it’s all starting to even out. So, head’s up ladies! Working out hard after being sedentary for a…bit… won’t instantly bring on a rosy glow. Unless you count exfoliating till you have no skin left a “rosy glow.” I won’t even mention the sty or fever blister. I don’t want to scare off anyone nuts enough to follow in my footsteps of newfound fitness. Just know it’s all temporary and in spite of my whining, worth it.
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