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Teeter Totter ~ Finding a Balance Between Me-Hood and Motherhood
Gender: female Date of Birth: January 01, 1973 Member Since: September 11, 2007 Last Signed In: November 20, 2009 Blog Views: 14718 Send To A Friend Sign Guestbook Add as a Friend
Growing That Acorn
Faith Need vs Want A Tight Budget Holiday The Play Priority Disney’s A Christmas Carol – A Mom Review Making it Easy on Yourself When It Rains… You Are Here Halloween with Older Kids September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 Teeter Totter Finding a Balance Between "Me-Hood" and "Motherhood" In this blog I'll be covering as wide a variety of subjects as the duties of a real mom in today's culture. From raising special needs children, family vacations, marriage, relationships, sex, cooking, local to-do, school (both for you and the children), working, hiring a daycare provider, arts and crafts, decorating, holidays, to well... EVERYTHING! No holding back. 
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There is a saying that goes, “No acorn can grow in the shade of a mighty oak.” Whoever came up with that saying was not the parent of a special needs child. To be a parent, you have to be strong, full of love and wise. To be the parent of a special needs child you need to be twice as strong, twice as wise and just as full of love. I sometimes worried that as big and strong as I was, I was keeping my own little acorn in the shade and not allowing him to grow into his own. I need worry no longer. Man cub has been attending his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meetings for two years now. The one we had yesterday was his third. At first the idea of having him attend filled me with dread. “Would it ruin his self esteem? Would he think there’s something wrong with him and we’re all trying to make him normal? Would he be angry? Self conscious? Confused?” It turns out man cub’s best advocate and warrior wasn’t the person I always thought it was (me), it was actually man cub. If someone said something he didn’t agree with, he let them know. If he felt he needed a service that would help him and he wasn’t already getting it, he made the suggestion. He even went so far as to correct me! His own mother/champion when he felt I got something wrong. (I guess I am wrong sometimes?) When he was younger, my husband and I would lay in bed and ride the pendulum of worry. Would he forever live with us, or turn out to be the next Bill Gates? Would he ever be able to get and keep a job, or would he be a world famous writer? It seems our expectations were all or nothing. I’m happy to report that since then we’ve mellowed out. I still have dreams of man cub excepting a Pulitzer, or getting his PhD in classical literature, but gone are the days of fearing he may never have a partner in life or live with us forever. It turns out that when you plant that acorn under a mighty oak, that oak tree actually cares for it as long as it’s needed. Then, sooner than you think, that acorn has become a mighty oak of its own. It thrills me to see my son stand strong and tall and be that mighty oak that I never dared to hope he could one day be. So much of parenting just comes down to having faith. I have faith that my teenage man cub won’t look up porn when he’s home alone, because we’ve had that talk and he knows the reasons behind that rule. I have faith that if his friends make stupid choices when they’re out and away from adults, that he won’t follow the herd. I have faith that man cub will respect everyone till he’s given a good reason not to. I have faith that the movie I just let him watch will be appropriate and not give him bad dreams. Daily I go out on a limb, trust him, putting my faith in him and to my constant joy, that faith is founded. How do you know when to do this? How much faith to give? When to take it back? When is the right time to just trust that your little bird is ok out of the nest? This doesn’t just happen when your child is a teenager either… Faith starts the second they’re born. It’s an un-spoken contract between you and your child. “You hold up your end of the deal, and I’ll hold up mine.” “When I put you down for a nap, you sleep! When I let you sleep over at a friend’s house, you use your manners. When the teacher tells you to stop talking and pay attention, you do that. When I tell you that a movie isn’t ok for you to watch, you don’t watch it at a friends house.” Like all kids, man cub has had moments where he tested his boundaries, risked my wrath and ignored common sense. During these times I just remind myself what a good kid he is and that a big part of learning is screwing up. There are some things in life however that we need to learn and never screw up with; Sex, driving, saying “no” to drugs and other dangers just being a few. To those of you with tiny ones at home, these concerns may still seem far away. Let me assure you that they come knocking on your door WAY sooner than you’d like. All I can do is prepare as best I can, let him know that I have faith and educate him to make smart choices. Then convince myself that I did my job well, have faith that he’ll be fine and let go. Easier said than done! Why are those two little words so hard? I NEED a glass of water, I WANT those new earrings. I NEED sleep, I WANT a manicure. Just how and where do you draw the line between a want and a need? To complicate matters even more, a lot of it really depends on your culture. In America, most of us NEED a car and gas to make it go. In other countries, you may just WANT a car (or not) and get along just fine without it. In America most of us also NEED our own space as an adult; our own house, apartment, etc. just for our family. In other countries, that may not be the case. In India, women NEED gold jewelry, it’s not a question of want. It’s such a huge part of their culture and financial savings that you have to have it. In trying to keep to our budget I ask that want or need question about almost everything. Do we NEED cable TV? Nope? Then bye bye. Do we NEED fabric softener that smells like French lavender? Nope? Ok then. However, I’m finding there are some things that I only want, but have a reaction like I need them. Like those Kate Spade Gumdrop Stud earrings that called out my name this weekend. I called my husband to ask if I could treat myself. His question to me was “Do you NEED them?” Even though I felt the need deep down in the pit of my stomach, my brain kicked in and I had to answer “No. I don’t NEED them, I WANT them.” Then, like a two year old I felt a little teary knowing I would have to just walk away. This is not a month for wants. Rather than fill my wants with material things, I’m trying to re-train myself to think of some needs AS wants. I WANT to go to the gym! (I say that to myself every day and sometimes I even believe it!) I WANT to eat healthy foods and cook nice meals for my family. I WANT to have a clean house… you get the idea. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. If not, then I try and find a little want that I CAN say “Yes” to. “I WANT a small mocha at Starbucks. I WANT a bubble bath and a piece of dark chocolate.” For the record, I e-mailed my husband a link to the Kate Spade website and told him I NEED the earrings for either Christmas, or my birthday. I felt that was a fair compromise. What’s a family on furlough to do with the holidays around the corner? How can you cut a tight budget even tighter? These are questions I find myself asking these days, but I think I found an answer. Along with making a lot of my gifts this year (baking goodies mostly), I’m going to forgo the splurge with man cub and my husband and instead start treasure hunting. No, not with a metal detector at the beach, but in our local area thrift stores. If you’re like me, than the very word “thrift store” brings up a multitude of sensory memories. Dark, dirty, smelly, greasy… none of them pleasant. I’m happy to say however that the thrift stores of our childhood aren’t what you’ll find today. Besides saving a lot of money, most thrift stores also have a cause they give that money right back to. In our house, we call that “win-win.” I’ll be keeping my eye out for a black trench coat that man-cub wants (and of course, trick it out a little once I get it), anything black and velvet for my cousin and perhaps a game or two for my husband. Here are a few of my favorite local thrift stores and why I think they kick Macy’s butt any day of the week. (Please feel free to share your own favorite second hand store! The more tips, the merrier the season, and your wallet!) 1) Deseret Industries Thrift Store 3000 Auburn Blvd Sacramento, CA 95821 (916) 482-1480 * This place is HUGE, clean, well lit and has everything. I adore how the clothes are organized by color. If I owned and ran a thrift store, it would look just like this. Prices range and I’ve never left here empty handed. Especially great place to find clothes. 2) Eco Thrift 7305 Greenback Ln Citrus Heights, CA 95621-5530 (916) 729-8474 * This store is just as big as Deseret, but not quite a bright and clean. Some of the prices can be a little high (in my opinion), but it’s still worth the trip for the treasure you can find there. Like Desert, they carry a huge variety of items. They also lean towards the kitsch and collectable more than Desert. 3) Renaissance Fine Consignment 2362 Fair Oaks Blvd. Sacramento, CA 95825 (916) 485-4911 * The difference between a consignment store and a thrift store is that people donate items to a thrift store, but sale items (sharing the profit) with a consignment store. This is without a doubt the best consignment store EVER. We’re talking name brand only. Coach, Prada, Chanel, Jimmy Chu… all at a fraction of the cost. 4) SPCA Thrift Store 1517 E St Sacramento, CA 95814 (916) 442-8118 * There’s more than 1 SPCA Thrift Store, but this one is the most centrally located. Call to check on special sales (they often have 50% off days), or bring grandma for the senior discount! A great place for toys, games and books. 5) Once Upon A Child 3186 Arden Way Sacramento, CA 95825 (916) 488-8861 * A consignment chain with many locations (this is just one), it can be a GREAT place to not only find a bargain, but to make some holiday cash quick by selling your old baby items. I bought and sold many things back in the day to them and never had a complaint. Why buy new when your little one will be done with it in a few short months? Save the earth, and some bucks by going second hand. I was talking with a group of mothers this weekend who all have kids under six years old. They were sharing their concern with the new school standards and the lack of “play time.” I very much share that concern. What’s more important, that a Kindergartner knows how to write a full sentence, or that they know how to share? That they have the fine motor skills to cut with scissors, or can give you back correct change? According to state standards, social skills, gross and fine motor development take a backseat to “learning” by completion of "worksheets." Since when did kids stop learning through play? This new attitude (or is it really new?) in the school system concerns me greatly. I like to think that after school, we make up for it by letting the kids play away the rest of the day… but we all know that’s not how it goes. They could go from school straight to other structured classes for MORE learning (who doesn’t want their kid to get ahead), tutoring, sports, theater… If they’re one of the lucky ones who actually just get free play time after school, what are the playing with? I saw in the Target holiday toy insert this Sunday something that really surprised me. All of the typical “toys,” such as play dough, Lego, bikes and books were in the very back of the catalog. What was at the front were “toys” that kept kids glued to screens. Doll’s with USB ports (that one surprised me), video games and battery operated ride-on cars (who needs to learn to peddle?) filled the first few pages. My concern is this; what kind of children are we raising? Ones who can only share feelings through Facebook and texting on their iPhones? Ones who can’t cut with scissors or wrap a gift till they’re 20? Ones who don’t know the concept of teamwork, compromise or sharing? Ones who never feel the strings of a guitar, taste home made play dough or learn what happens when you jump from the top of the slide rather than slide? We’re encouraging perfection at the expense of actual learning. We’re replacing real life experiences with cyber generated ones. We’re letting our kid’s avatar live out what they should be doing in the real world. We’re spraying their little lives with Lysol and sticking a pre-made bow on top. Play is important. Play is how children learn. Cooking, music, art, movement and sharing, are all vital to human development and are all considered to be actual food for the brain. Math can wait, sentence structure can be put off, but social skill development, expressive language and fine motor only have a small window of opportunity to be learned and enriched (neurologically speaking.) Make play a priority and you’re ensuring the future success and mental health of your child. What a great gift to give for the holidays! So skip the USB doll and go for the tub of play dough. Or better yet, make your own batch WITH your kid! A Christmas Carol has always been one of my favorite tales. Ghosts, redemption, salvation, lesson learned AND the holidays? What’s not to love? So when I had to stay out of my house all day yesterday (thanks plumbers), I decided to treat myself to a little escapism and go see Disney’s new A Christmas Carol. Let me start my review by saying, I wish there was a rating between PG and PG-13, maybe PG-8? Like Coraline, this movie would qualify. There were many terrifying sequences and two children behind me were crying and begging to leave at the “door knocker” sequence; about 10minutes into the movie. Their parents conceded and the kids left. There’s also a lot of dialogue and character emphasis which would boor the very young. I didn’t see it in 3-D, although it was offered both ways at our theater. During the movie I found myself wondering if any child under 10 seeing it in 3-D actually made it to the end of the film. The animation was wonderful, but I found myself comparing the larger characters in the film to bloated corpses. Perhaps that was just the general darker undertone of this particular version coming across? But I found it a little eerie. The sound quality and effects were also noticeably well done. The whole feel of the film reminded me of a cross between Shrek (the computer animation cutting-edge techniques) and Geri’s Game, the Pixar short about an old man playing chess with himself in the park. The voice acting was very well done and I enjoyed the fact that each character looked quite a bit like its celebrity voice. Jim Carrey as Scrooge reminded me so much of his character Count Olaf in the Series of Unfortunate Events that I had to keep reminding myself Scrooge wasn’t after any orphans. The main issue I had with the film was the total lack of diversity. Everyone is white and Christian. This is true of the story in general however and with the exception of Muppets A Christmas Carol, you will find this problem in every version. If you do plan on taking smaller children to see A Christmas Carol, I have some suggestions. 1) Watch the trailer together first, so they know a little about what to expect. 2) Watch another version at home first (like Mickey’s a Christmas Carol), so again, they know what to expect, and have a lighter version for comparison. 3) Know that it starts right off with the dead corpse of Jacob Marley. 4) If you do decide to leave during the movie, don’t leave during a “scary” part. Wait till they see the resolution and its back to a happier part. 5) Talk about it after. There’s a lot of good moral discussion to be had (like helping other people, feeling cranky, money, etc…) After the week of fun that I’ve had (can you feel my sarcasm?) I thought it would be nice to take a walk on the lighter side. The only thing worse than a streak of bad luck going on with your family, is suffering through this bad luck in a messy, dirty house. I feel like if your house is clean, at least you can actually relax and recover some of your lost energy. I think I’ve spent a lot of hours over the years on cleaning, and have tried many a product. I always love hearing what works well for other people and why. Here’s a few of my “favorite things” that make my life just a little bit easier (and fresh smelling.) 1) Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. It took wine stains off my flat painted wall. Nuff said! 2) Dyson Vacuum. I have the pet hair model and really couldn’t live without it. It’s also very rewarding to be able to see all the gunk you get out of the floors (since its bag-less.) 3) Mrs. Myers Clean Day products. A little high on the price scale, but I find a little bit goes a long way. I love the lavender line. It smells like real French lavender, not chemical lavender. 4) Febreze Air Effects (linen & sky scent). Something about it just makes my house smell fresh (like some cheesy commercial.) It also reminds me of my aunt’s house and that makes my own home seem more comforting. 5) Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. I buy the giant bag at Costco and use a little with every wash as a fabric and water softener. 6) J.R. Watkins Natural All Purpose Cleaner (lemon). LOVE the smell and works really great! Great for all surfaces. (I got mine at Target.) 7) Purex 3 in 1 Laundry Sheets. One stop laundry, works out to be about ½ the cost per load at using liquid soap, dryer sheet and fabric softener. Costco had a great intro bundle last month. 8) SKYDD white mineral oil from IKEA. This is GREAT for cabinets, tables, cutting boards or other wood furniture that needs treatment once in a while. Cheap and works great! Safe around kids and pets as well. 9) Pumice stone. The all natural way to combat hard water deposits and stains. Perfect for toilet grime that just won’t come off with scrubbing brushes or chemicals. Just requires a little elbow grease. 10) Microfiber rags. These are wonderful for dusting. You’re also being eco friendly by using something you can toss in the wash and get many uses out of. I find just 1 will dust my whole house. We’ve had a bit of rain at our house lately. Not literal rain, but the bad-luck kind. Man cub is having some school struggles. Tenth grade is proving to be tougher that we’d hoped. He’s trying hard, but still sliding down into the pit of “bad grades.” Then there’s the house. Along with fixing up some dry rot on the side due to water damage (dang trees), we just found out that we need our whole main sewage line replaced. Now, if we lived in Sacramento, this wouldn’t be a big deal. The city would cover it. For the joy of living in Davis however, it’s all on us. All $9,000.00 of it. Yup, 9K. Yeah, that was my reaction too. So WHILE trying to finish up school, teach art classes (that keep being cancelled because no one can afford such luxuries anymore), trying to help my son not flunk out of high school, we get to take out a loan just so we can flush the toilet. –sigh- I SWEAR I’m trying to keep positive. We have our health, we have each other, we still have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. You know how when you stub your toe all you can think is “OW OW! MY TOE!” Well, I’m stubbed. All I can think is CRUD! THIS SUCKS! Thanks for letting me rant a little. I actually do have a plan of action to survive this with only one stress induced fever blister. 1) Go to the gym. Work out hard and enjoy a hot shower there. 2) Keep your eye on the long-term. It is an investment in our home. It’s not going to bankrupt us to take out this loan. We’re just pre-spending our tax return now. 3) YES! We all have our health, roof over our head and food. YAY! 4) Breathe 5) Man cub will be fine. There’s still two months till report cards and we’re all doing our best to help him recover from these academic adjustment bumps. 6) Breathe 7) It could ALWAYS be worse! Do you ever find yourself wishing that the road to parenthood came with a map? Or better yet, a guide book? That when you were given that little bundle of joy, you were also handed a book just for them? “Welcome to the world, here is everything you need to know to be the best parent to this child.” How great would that be. All their likes, dislikes, learning styles, interests, potential, weaknesses, all in black and white. It feels to me like just when I think I know man cub better than anyone else on the planet, he goes and changes on me. “He hates cheese!” “More cheese please!” “He’s a visual learner.” “I learn best by hearing it.” Honestly, if there’s one thing parenthood has taught me its to role with the punches. Not easy for an organization loving predictability monster like myself. Lucky for me however, man cub does indeed roll with the punches (while I stand there stubbornly and get it right in the smacker.) Heck, he doesn’t just roll with the punches, he bends like a willow tree, or the dude from the Matrix dodging bullets. In fact, he is my new Guru when it comes to going with the flow. I think he gets it from his father. Living in a house with two such willow trees is very good for me (the stubborn oak.) As I grow, mature and learn, I’m slowing becoming ok with not knowing what’s around every bend. Because just when I think I do, it’s a mirage, or it changes before my eyes. Chasing perfection and thinking you have control over things is like grabbing at smoke. Parenting is not only an adventure, but if you’re open to the experience, a mirror as well. Your kid will always give it to you straight, “You smell bad mommy!” Twist your heart around their finger, “I’m the luckiest boy in the world to have a mom like you!” And open your eyes to beauty and wonder, “That cloud looks like a pony!” No one can make me laugh as hard, worry so much or cry a river. I think a lot of that joy comes from not knowing what’s going to happen next? Who needs that map after all, I’ll just hold his hand and jump on the ride next to him. My son never really enjoyed Trick or Treating, but that cut off age seemed to come all too fast for me. Halloween is my favorite time of year, it always has been, but once my son became a teen, I found myself struggling to find ideas and alternative ways to celebrate other than going door to door begging for candy. Let’s face it, nothing is more irritating than a “way too old kid” showing up at your door (hours after all the REAL trick or treaters are home and in bed.) I refused to have my kid be one of them. Though in Davis at least this age of trick or treat acceptability seems to go up every year. Besides making decorations and having him help me decorate the house, pass out candy and invite friends over, here are a few other local traditions we’ve enjoyed to celebrate the season with older kids. ~Corn Mazes There are quite a few in our area. This year we explored the one at Dave’s Pumpkin Patch in West Sacramento. My son loved it, and it wasn’t so huge that I was uncomfortable letting him try to navigate it solo while we sipped cider on a hay bale nearby. I’ve always loved this beautiful cemetery. It’s a great place to take the family for a weekend pic nic and see some living, errr, dead history. Many original settlers of California are buried right here. For Halloween they put on a night time lantern tour. Tickets are $25 per person and they usually sell out months in advance. That doesn’t mean you can’t take a visit for free and enjoy the spooky, yet lovely atmosphere! ~Pumpkin Carving Contest Show off your creative skills with a family pumpkin carving (or for littler ones, decorating) contest. This is actually how my husband and I met, and is still an annual family tradition. Get a small prize for the winner (and a little something for the attempt if you have more than 1 child.) ~Sacramento Governers Mansion Tour Special Halloween tours are available. The prices are VERY reasonable. A great creepy mansion, perfect for some Halloween exploration. ~Movie & Treat For me, nothing can top a homemade treat and old time spooky movie. Involve the family in the treat part! Toss some cider in a big pot and warm it up with a cinnamon stick for each mug. Make some hot apple pie, caramel apples, or caramel corn to enjoy with the movie. Sure to make the most sullen teen grin, even if it is “Family Time.” ~Play a Creepy Game There are many games out there on the market with a Halloween vibe. We love the card game Frog Juice, and the board game 13 Dead End Drive. This is also something they can do with friends, if mom and dad just aren’t “cool enough” anymore. (Personally, I just don’t offer it up like a choice and he’s smiling by the end of it.) My biggest fear is failure. What keeps me up awake at night isn’t the boogieman, or the threat of poverty, no… its thinking that I’ve let everyone down. The fear of letting myself down. Whenever I start to succeed at something and gain compliments, I freeze. If my husband starts to rave about how proud he is of me and how wonderful I’m doing in school, and in life, I honestly don’t know what to say. Part of me pulls back, almost as if just the words being spoken out loud will unleash some evil luck that will trip me up. Silly, I know. Success scares me. “Having it all,” makes me sweat. Keeping all the balls in the air and not dropping one; school, family, work, teaching, writing, exercising, makes me afraid. I feel in order to be truly safe, I have to be a screw up. I also realize and acknowledge just how little this makes any sense. I think part of the problem must be the well-established pattern in my youth of not having good things work out for me. Feeling so hopeful and optimistic, then having those hopes dashed. I think it must also partly be a defense mechanism. “Don’t get too excited cause you know you’ll screw it up in the end!” The major problem with that kind of negative self-talk is that you usually end up doing a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Drop out of school, break up with that guy, blow your budget… you get the idea. Actually taking control of my life, keeping my head high and thoughts positive and taking care of me feels nearly impossible. I’d much rather busy myself with my family and friends and what they need from me. I’m a better friend to others than I am to myself. I’m a better mother to man cub and wife to my husband than I am partner/nurturer to myself. Every day I still wake up with that fear of “What will I screw up today? How will I fail?” But I’m working on it. Just by putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one day at a time will get me where I need to go. I just can’t look at the big picture and not freak out just yet. Maybe tomorrow? As I grow older (and a little wiser), I realize how vital it is to have your own sacred time and space. Giving yourself that space to just breathe, grow, collect your thoughts, reach out and do what you need to do mentally to re-balance yourself is crucial to your well being and mental health. Some do it in groups; in a church, synagogue, or mosque. Others do it in private. Snatching a few moments to welcome with sun with some yoga or scribble some thoughts in a journal. Still others enjoy multi-tasking; taking a bath, walking your dogs (or the baby), breathing in the fresh scent of fall. It doesn’t matter how you do it, what’s crucial is that you do it! Since coming home from my retreat the other weekend, I’ve been making the time to find my sacred space. Most days I wake up earlier than I used to, light some candles and write in my journal. Other mornings I’ll do a quick sketch or watercolor. Sometimes a brisk dog walk or sweaty workout at the gym fills the bill. It’s really whatever works for you. I can’t remember the last time I thoughtfully took time for myself like this. Rather than focusing 100% on the needs of others (or my ever growing to-do list), I’ve managed to eek out some precious time for myself. I’m the better for it and so is my family. What about you? What do you do to find your sacred space? The image of this lovely necklace was taken from Etsy.com artist “Hint.” Click here to check out her other beautiful, spiritual items. The other week I visited some friends of mine and their newborn son. He was only two weeks old when I showed up bearing gifts for the family and it was so much fun to be around a baby that fresh and new once more. Of course, they looked like your typical new parents. Matching luggage under each eye, but that silly glow of love and adoration around them like sunshine, keeping them going on zero sleep. The baby lay on their floor atop a hand-made blanket while both parents just hovered like a pair of eagles guarding an egg. Just sitting next to him, hunched over, staring; as if they still can’t believe that he’s their son. It was just too precious. I joined Dad when Jr. made it known that it was time for a diaper change, and saw something that really impressed me. Lying on the changing table was a hairdryer, on its side, propped upon a stack of towels. Dad turned the hairdryer on low with medium heat and aimed it at Jr.’s fanny before taking off his diaper. When the diaper was off, nice warm air hit his tush, helping to keep him comfortable and dry. The “white noise” of the hairdryer also helped keep the baby calm. “WOW!” I gushed. “What a brilliant idea! Do you mind if I share this on my blog?” “Not at all” was all the pooped Papa could get out. I will say, that was the first time I didn’t see a baby cry the whole time I was there (including the diaper change.) One great tip for new parents from one sleepy Daddy. I will always be impressed at the genus of parents to problem solve. I’ve made no secret of battling my weight ever since I’ve been a member of SacMomsClub. I’ve swung back and forth for as long as I can remember between loving myself, regardless of my size (don’t get me wrong, it’s a good thing) and being fed up with myself and all the weight. I was watching Biggest Loser the other day and they actually had some advice that I liked. Everyone was out to eat and one of the trainers said, “Why do you want to lose weight?” The large woman replied, “Because I owe it to myself.” To my surprise the trainer said, “NO! You need to have an actual reason! If you go out to eat and really want to eat that dessert, or drink and all you have to hold onto is that you OWE it to yourself, you’re going to eat or drink that thing. If you have an actual, tangible temptation, then you need a tangible reason NOT to!” I really liked that. I liked it so much in fact, that I made my own “20 reasons why” list, then got my butt to the gym. I don’t know how many of you read Free to Be You and Me growing up, but being a child of the 70’s, it was like mothers milk to me. In particular I’ve been remembering the story of Atalanta. What a great name. You can click here to read the story, but if you’re short on time, I’ll give you the nutshell. Strong, independent woman who loves to run. Father (king) wants her to marry. She sais she’ll marry whoever can win her in a footrace. A man she likes ends up tying her. In this version (as opposed to the classical Greek Mythological original), they part as friends. The point is, I remember listening to the record and reading the book and really feeling her joy for running. I’m trying to tap into that joy at the gym and be more like Atalanta. Having my fresh vegetables delivered to my door once a week is also helpful. Yesterday I had so many of them, I really didn’t know what to do! I cleaned them all, chopped them, drizzled a little olive oil and tossed them in the oven to roast. Last night we had them over penne pasta and WOW! What a brilliant idea! My husband and I are actually working on our weight together. Something that should make this trip much easier. He was very proud of me yesterday, but more importantly (and like Atalanta), I was proud of myself. Here’s my 20 reason’s WHY, if you care to read them. Why (lose weight) 1) I want to FIT into the desks at school 2) I want to be able to buckle that airplane seatbelt with ease. 3) I want to fit into any theme park ride I want (and not stare at the weight limit!) 4) I want my husband to put his arms around me and have them fit. 5) I don’t want my son to feel embarrassed with his friends if “fat mom” is around. 6) I want to set a good, healthy example for my son. 7) I want my dogs to be healthy and happy too (with more walks) 8) I want to live as long as possible here with my family 9) I want to travel in comfort (bus rides, biking, trains, planes, etc…) 10) I’m tired of my body being in pain (creaky joints, hip and knee pain) 11) I want to have more energy 12) I want to be a good example to the other big women in my family (and have them admire me.) 13) I want to be pretty (and have my husband be proud of me.) 14) I want to be WHOLE and complete. Mind, body and soul. 15) I want to shop in “normal” stores and buy the “cute” and colorful clothes. 16) I’m as fat, or fatter, than the women on Biggest Loser! 17) I don’t want to be the biggest person in the room. 18) I don’t want to worry about breaking something with my ****! 19) I want to see ALL my body parts with ease. 20) I want my physical self confidence back. I had the wonderful opportunity this past weekend to run away to Zepher Cover in Lake Tahoe for a women’s spiritual retreat. Let me tell you what a luscious, luxurious gift time is to a frazzled mom. No computers, no TV, no kids, no cooking, no “to-do” lists for two days. It was a precious gift. I stayed in a cabin, literally hanging over the lake, with three other women who were complete strangers. There were only 17 women on the retreat and we alternated between having time to do anything we wanted with discussions and gathering together. I had five hours on Saturday to do anything I wanted in a breath-takingingly beautiful location. Can you imagine? I actually had the time to ask myself “What do I want to do?” Not “What do I HAVE to do?” Or “What do I NEED to do?” But “What do I WANT to do?” Wow. I walked around the lovely grounds, enjoyed the nature, did art, wrote in my journal, got to know some of the other women and ate great food that I didn’t cook. I gazed at the stars, took pictures of whatever I felt like and even started a great book. Yes, I missed my husband and man cub (even my dogs by Sunday morning), but I absorbed every second of it. Driving home yesterday I thanked the stars that I had the strength to “cut loose” from my daily grind and was braved enough to trust other people and just do it. The main thing I took away from this weekend is how precious time is and how to make more of it for myself. I am a big “doer” (like most moms I know) and hit the ground running all day, every day from the second I wake up. This morning however, after dropping man cub at school, I took my coffee out of the patio, put on my fuzziest slippers, grabbed my journal and just enjoyed an hour of the beautiful morning. I didn’t allow myself to get on-line till I had appreciated the day, wrote down some thoughts and felt ready. I can’t tell you what a difference that one little act made on my attitude, temperament and feelings heading into another busy week. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too. Enjoy the beauty in the day today. When I read a recent article addressing the controversy surrounding the new Ralph Lauren ad, in which a model has been so over photo shopped that her head is bigger than her waist, I wasn’t shocked. Nor was I stunned to read the publishing editor of Shape magazine talk with ease (and no regret) on how published photos of her finishing a marathon were photo shopped to make her thighs look “thinner” as she thought they were unacceptably big. Nor was I stunned to learn that both Oil of Olay and L’Oreal have photo shopped already beautiful women into mannequin like plasticity. Oil of Olay airbrushed Twiggy to look wrinkle-free and L’Oreal “lightened” Beyonce’s skin. No, what shocks me about all these now very common acts of violating women’s images is that it’s deemed a “common practice.” I could go on for days with the list of magazine covers, advertisements and other media images that are so far removed from the “truth” of what the woman really looks like that it’s ridiculous. To save space, I’ll climb up on my soap box instead. What kind of a world are we making for our daughters (and future daughter’s-in-law) where this is ok? Where you can pick up a Women’s Health and Fitness style magazine to see the woman on the cover looking nothing like any REAL woman could ever look thanks to technology? Open any women’s magazine and you will find a beauty product ad. Now look way down at the very bottom in size .01 font and you will see a lovely little disclaimer. Welcome to the world of un-attainable results and beauty. So, I ask. What are we going to do about it? How will we protect our children from these unrealistic standards and expectations? Here’s what I plan to personally do… boycott. I refuse to play this game, to participate in any way in letting these companies know that I agree with their tactics. Any business that uses photo shopped women into an inch of their glossy skinned lives to push any product is a product I will no longer buy. So long Shape magazine, toodeloo Oil of Olay. Money talks and I want mine to support industries with honor. (Like Dove, click here to see a great, short video on the topic.) What about you? What do you think personally about all of this? A lot of people I know have a hard time getting rid of clothes. Letting go of old things. I think this is just part of human nature. We’re made to hunt, gather, horde, shore up, hunker down and plan. When we try to go against that nature by “de-cluttering, purging, clearing out, tossing out and giving away, we may hit some road blocks. I have a system. As well as it works for me, It’s far from perfect. Every fall and late spring I go through my “tub.” It’s a big plastic tub above my closet full of “out of season items.” Today I tossed in my swim suits (except for my gym one), pool covers, sun dresses and other “summer items” (along with an unused dryer sheet to keep everything smelling nice.) I dug out of the tub my sweaters, hats, gloves, ear muffs and other winter items. This may seem a little premature for Sacramento weather, but I’m going up to Tahoe for the weekend and expect to freeze in my little cabin at night! As I transition the summer for winter I make 4 piles. Keep (and wash), donate to SPCA (they recycle fabrics they can’t re-sell) and consignment. Those in good enough shape to take down to my local consignment store and (hopefully) make a little side-money. The fourth pile is where I start to have problems. The fourth pile are items I really love, can’t wear in public (stains, holes), but am not ready to part with. These go in my “lounge” drawer where they’re resigned to a life of hair dye, yard work and tub bleaching. This is where I have a hard time letting go of some old things. As I finally caved in today and said “goodbye” to some old, ratty items (due to my drawer not being able to close) I eyed an avocado green and pumpkin orange floral shirt hanging on my husband’s side of the closet (that I’ve never even seen him wear.) I wonder if all men have a harder time letting go of clothes than women, or just my boys? Fall is my favorite time of year. Forgetting for a moment the abundance of comfort food that begs to be cooked, the crisp chill in the air, the lingering smell of smoke outside, I love it for all the crafts that beg to be made with your family! Who doesn’t look forward to carving out pumpkins, making Halloween (or fall) decorations or coming up with costumes for the kids (or yourself)? There may be some winter holiday scrooges around, but I have yet to meet a fall scrooge! In an effort to honestly stick to the ol’ family budget (thank you again furloughs!) I’m swearing off any store-bought Halloween decorations. If you’ve been following my blog though the years, you’ll know that this is really nothing new with me. I always love coming up with some kind of activity for man cub and I to do together to get the house ready for Halloween. To also get you “in the spirit,” here’s a few suggestions… - Gather beautiful fall leaves and foliage on a walk around your neighborhood. Cut out a big “O” from an old cereal box (or other cardboard you may have around the house.) Tie and glue your findings to make your own special fall wreath for the front door! - Paint some spooky tombstones for the front yard by cutting up an old box, using craft of acrylic paint (50cents a color if you don’t already have some), sponge brushes from the dollar store, maybe even some dead leaves leftover from your wreath or old moss from your yard. I like to also get some wooden dowels (also from the dollar tree), tape them on the bottom with duck tape and plunk them into the front yard. - Skip pumpkin carving with the little ones and let them paint away with any leftover acrylic paint (from the tombstone project?) Just spread out newspapers and let them go to town. Being allowed to paint on a bumpy round surface is also excellent for their fine motor skill development! (Who knew having fun was good for you?) - Fold those big white trash bags up into a rectangle and cut it up (like you would a paper snowflake) to make a big spider web! I saw something similar at Target for $9. More fun to make your own AND cheaper! - Use styrofoam shapes (from the dollar tree) to make your own giant bugs! You can use felt and glue, or acrylic paint. Even stickers will work (as long as mom pins them down when the kids are all done.) Get creative and have fun. Have any other ideas to share? That aromatic scent of fresh baked bread. There’s nothing quite like it. As soon as the weather turns crisp, it seems to be all I can think about. Bread straight from the oven. Baking your own bread from scratch can actually be a money saver AND terribly therapeutic at the same time. There’s something wonderful and primal about digging your hands into gooey dough and kneading it on a flour board. Like knitting, I find baking bread to be a magical act that connects me to generations of women before like a thin silk ribbon running down my family tree. Now don’t get me wrong, this is only something I do once or twice a year. Enjoy it or not, we all know just how busy the life of a woman is and it doesn’t often leave 4 hours free to make bread from scratch. The great thing about bread though is that the actual time spent on it is pretty little (as it needs to sit often), which leaves you time to do things WHILE you make it (something I love.) I was fortunate enough to participate in an herb harvest at the UC Davis Good Life Garden last week, and the first thing that came to my mind to make with all these beautiful herbs was some rustic herb bread. I actually made 4 different flavors of loaves (all with the same base) and each one came out amazing. The recipe I’m sharing here was man cub's favorite. For the record, I don’t own a bread maker (or a mixer for that matter), so if I can do this… you can too! Happy baking! Your great-grandmother would be so proud. Basil – Pink Sea Salt Crust Bread (makes 4 5X9 loaves) Ingredients: 1 cup lukewarm water 1 cup buttermilk (room temp.) ¼ cup olive oil 5-6 cups bread flower (I like mixing ½ unbleached white, ½ whole wheat bread flour) ½ cup sugar 2 large eggs (beaten) 1 tbsp. white salt 3 tbsp. flake pink sea salt (or other gourmet salt) 1 bunch fresh basil 4 tsp. instant yeast Need: 5X9 loaf pans (4 of them) Cutting board (or pastry board) Measuring cups & spoons Plastic wrap Bowel Oven 1) Mix together water, buttermilk and oil. Add 1 ½ cups of flour and mix with a wooden spoon till smooth. 2) Add sugar and eggs, stir together till smooth. 3) Mix in the white salt and yeast. Allow to sit uncovered for 15min. 4) Add the flour ½ cup at a time, stirring slowly till the dough becomes hard to mix. 5) Turn out on a floured board (or put in mixer with bread hook) and kneed for 10 more minutes, adding small amounts of flour if till the dough is no longer sticky. 6) Pick the leaves off the basil and give a rough chop (or cut them with herb snips.) 7) Kneed the basil into the dough. 8) Place dough into a lightly oiled bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and let set in a warm spot for 1 hour. 9) Pour dough out onto a lightly floured board and cut into 4 loaves. Shape dough into greased 5x9 loaf pans. Cover with plastic wrap and let rise for another 60min. 10) Preheat oven to 375. 11) Brush the tops of the loaves with olive oil and sprinkle evenly with pink sea salt. 12) Bake at 375 for 30min (when you tap on the bottom of the pan it should sound hollow.) 13) Remove from pans and let cool. Freeze any loafs you won’t be eating right away for later!
I did something this week that I never thought I’d do. I started my son on a prescription of Paxil. Yes, I too used to snub my nose at people who “medicated their children.” Who “took the easy way out.” It’s so easy to pass judgment when it’s not your own kid you see grappling with an issue bigger than them and losing every day. We went in to see our primary care doctor on Monday. She’s known man cub since he was six years old and he’s very comfortable talking with her. He talked to her alone for a bit, then I talked to her alone. She told us that she’s very comfortable prescribing him the lowest dose of Paxil to try. That it’s safer than anything else on the market and she thinks it will be a very helpful tool for man cub. She's had other teenage patients with Aspergers Syndrome and anxiety that its been very helpful for. She said that when teens with anxiety this severe get older, you need to start considering the dangers of “self medicating” and intervene. She told me that if he happened to be in a situation where he had an alcoholic drink and noticed that he felt “better” (and it may even help his stutter) then you have the recipe for disaster. I couldn’t agree more and it was that point right there that made up my mind. After reading a lot more about Serotonin dysregulation in Autism and Aspergers, I think we did the right thing. I didn't know that Serotonin also helps regulate Melatonin (needed for sleep. A supplement he's been taking since summer.) It's all really interesting. Of course I have my eyes and ears peeled for any side effects, but I feel really confident that we did the right thing. I really wrestled with this decision, so peace of mind is a wonderful gift to have right now. Something I struggle with (and I’m guessing I’m not alone here) is the quick change hat act that us mothers have to do on a sometimes minute to minute basis. Your kids need you! Get the mom hat on. Partner needs you… where’s the devoted wife (or partner) hat? Business? Find your work o’holic hat. House disgusting and company on the way? Martha Stewart hat. Sometimes all these quick hat changes leave me with a major headache. How about you? I don’t even know where I put my “me” hat. I think I last saw it around Mothers Day. Well, I decided to give myself a few days off of this vaudevillian quick change act. In two weeks I’ll be spending the weekend in Tahoe on a women’s retreat. Locked away in a cabin in the woods for two glorious days, alone with my “me” hat. No wife hat, mother hat, employee hat, etc… Just me, myself and This will be the second time I’ve been on a women’s retreat. The first time was about ten years ago. I found it to be a much needed break from life and in the end, made me a much better woman under all those hats. How do you recharge? Find your own “me” hat? Or do you? I sent man cub off to school this morning with a strongly suspected sinus infection brought on by allergies. He told me Monday morning about eye pain he was having since Friday and I got him into our optometrist that same day. The Dr. told me it was severe allergies and that his sinuses are pressing on his ocular nerve. Poor kid! I got him on some decongestants and pain pills, rested him up and sent him on his way. But a little voice whispered in my ear, “What if the Dr. was wrong and it’s really swine flu? Lethargy, headache, runny nose…” Sure enough those are symptoms of H1N1. Now I KNOW its allergies. I’m 100% sure that his sinuses have nothing to do with the H1N1 virus. He’s always had terrible allergies that flare up in the fall and spring. What annoys me most is that thanks to media paranoia, I’m second guessing my mothering instincts. The whole “What if I’m wrong” is a place even the best mothers hate to go. To help keep some other mothers sane, I did a little research on the subject. Here’s to hoping ALL our children are safe and healthy. -The second there’s a fever you should stay home for 24hours after the fever is gone (or keep said child home.) -The CDC says warning signs in children that warrant immediate medical attention include fast breathing or trouble breathing; bluish or gray skin color; not drinking enough fluids; severe or persistent vomiting; not waking up or interacting; a child so irritable that he does not want to be held; and flulike symptoms that improve but then return with fever and a worse cough. -Warning signs in adults include difficulty breathing or chest pain, purple or blue discoloration of the lips, vomiting and inability to keep liquids down, and signs of dehydration, such as feeling dizzy when standing or being unable to urinate. -Make sure you read up on the vaccine before deciding if it’s right for you and your family. Be aware of side effects, or any past vaccine reactions. http://www.flu.gov/individu... -People with Asthma should consider a vaccination. Those just recovering from a respiratory condition (like an infection), may want to pass. Ok, that’s not true. Exercise is good for everyone… yes, yes… that’s true enough. Then WHY do I hate it so much? Why would I rather sit on the couch and knit than get my butt to the gym and in the pool? Is it the draining sensation of being around other people? Fear of judgment? Or perhaps my utter hatred of heat and being hot? Yes, I do feel better (much better actually) after I exercise. Yes, I understand its value and worth. Not just physically, but mentally too. I actually have ample time for once to get myself to gym and swim, take a class, or get on one of the machines. I would even go so far as to say I LIKE my gym… so what’s my problem!? I’m not really sure, but I’d love to hear some feedback, tips, tricks, motivators and just what works for you in general when it comes to putting one foot in front of the other to exercise. I’ll be walking a 5K with friends to support Juvenile Diabetes Research and would love not to embarrass myself TOO bad. Did you know that 93% of all human communication is non-verbal? That means we read each other’s facial gestures, body language and scent. Just think of what that would mean if you lacked the ability to read non-verbal communication? Do you think that would affect your empathy level? Friendships? Relationships? Work? Now add in the factor that every time you speak, you have 50 pieces of gum in your mouth. Sometimes the gum is really hot, sometimes it’s so cold it burns you. Now you have a really great idea of what it’s like to be on the Autism Spectrum. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my son is amazing. Despite the fact that he stutters terribly when he speaks AND has high functioning Autism, he doesn’t let it get in his way. He struggles to communicate verbally with others and every social interaction is taxing and draining. He’s never let that stand in his way. Me? I think I would have given up and learned to use American Sign Language by now, just so I could make things easier for myself. Or perhaps a small computer that I could just type into and it would do all my talking for me. Not my son. He’s out there everyday, struggling to verbally communicate with the world around him. When other people finish his sentences for him, he just smiles and nods (even though he told me it drives him crazy!) When friends call him and want to “hang out” and he says “no,” inside I know it’s just because he’s exhausted from participating in the world all day and he has no energy left for others. I know every time he opens his mouth to speak it’s like climbing a sheer mountain cliff with no ropes. Yet every minute of every day, he does it. He is the bravest person I know. Do you ever have the feeling that you get more support from strangers than your own family? Nothing made this hunch ring true for me more than when I had my son. No one in my family had ever breast fed, in fact, my proud proclamation of my intent on doing so wasn’t exactly met with the whole hearted support I had anticipated. In fact, what I heard were words like, “But! You’ll RUIN your breasts!” “That’s SOOO old fashioned!” “Why would you WANT to do that?!” It wouldn’t be the first time I’d hit the “unsupportive family” roadblock where parenting was concerned. Having your proclamations fall on deaf or unsupportive ears is one reason why “Parenting Groups” (such as this one), are so vital. Ever notice how you can join pretty much any kind of parenting group on any kind of topic in Sacramento? Raising a special needs child? There’s a group for every disorder and disease. Single lesbian parent? Yep, there’s a group for that. Grandparents raising grandchildren while the parents are in jail or rehab? Yup, gotcha covered. Personally I think this kind of “stranger support” is beyond amazing. Forming your own safe group of people who can listen to each other and help each other is a survival skill that we still need. Thanks for being my “stranger support” and giving me back some confidence in people to do the right thing after my political rant. How have strangers supported you? |
