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People ask me all the time what, if any, differences I see between my two boys, when comparing Bee to Lee at the same age. For the longest time (until last month, actually), I didn't see any major difference. Bee developed, for the most part, "normally". He babbled, cooed, sat up, stood, crawled, walked, said first words all at the developmentally appropriate age. Yes, he was more high-needs, but I always attributed that to us being new parents. It's a miracle he made it through his first months   :)   - we had NO IDEA what we were doing, and it was so overwhelming, and we had no family around to really help us. There were subtle differences - Bee didn't play with toys like the other kids, he liked to line up all the laundry bottles upside down, he didn't really interact with other kids when we'd go to Gymboree or have playdates. But we didn't care - he was perfect. He was unique. We embraced the uniqueness instead of worrying about his conforming.

Lee babbled, cooed, sat up, stood, crawled, walked, said first words at the developmentally appropriate age. He and Bee were so similar until Lee turned 18 months old. Then he started talking. We would say a word, and he'd repeat it back, and then use it appropriately all the time. His language grows every day. There will probably be a time when their level of communication is the same. Lee likes to make the cars go "vrooom"; he makes his jets fly and then crash into the ground. When he watches TV, he mimics what the kids are doing on the screen.

Sometimes I wish Lee were born first, because I think that I would have been better equipped as a parent to "recognize the signs", as it were. But when I see the two of them playing together, I think how lucky Lee is to have Bee as a big brother. Lee wants to do everything that Bee does, and Bee is a great teacher. Bee's the one who taught Lee how to use a fork and drink from a cup. Bee's the reason Lee already uses the potty seat sometimes. I'm reminded that all is how it's supposed to be.

I don't think the guilt will ever go away, but I hope that it is replaced more and more with the satisfaction of knowing that my boys are the same in some ways, but mostly different, and I'm so glad for that.

So, I'm sure that a lot of you watched Oprah's Autism Show on Tuesday. I'm certain that every parent with a child on the spectrum got many phone calls from friends/family/co-workers reminding them to watch the show.    :)    I'm just going to brain-dump my thoughts on the show:

First of all: the promo. I really didn't like the fact that the promo was about McCarthy and Peete's "battle to save their sons". And I didn't like the clip of McCarthy saying that she "died inside" when her son was diagnosed. I think these statements are really inflammatory and waaaaaay too negative. Especially considering that I felt the show was actually fairly positive (In particular, when compared to the Oprah show featuring the "Autism Speaks" parents - yikes!). The promo, to me, is why people get so freaked out when they hear the word autism. I know it's done for ratings, but it still irked me.

Jenny McCarthy: I loved her candor. I think she spoke very openly about her son and what has worked for him. I'm all for a hopeful, positive portrayal of a child diagnosed with autism. However, I'm afraid that people who tuned in will now think that the GFCF diet is a cure for autism, or limiting/restricting artificial foods/flavors will bring their child "back". I definitely think that these help, but I don't think there's a magical cure for autism. Nor do I think that most children will "recover" from autism. I think they'll get better, but they won't be cured. I'm not hoping for a cure for Bee, or a magical pill that's going to take the autism away, but I hope that he will reach his full potential - as I wish for Lee - whatever that may be.

Holly Robinson Peete: She was great. I wish she had more than 15 minutes at the end of the show. She was sympathetic, rational, and the kind of parent mentor I wish I had when I was first beginning the journey. I hope that I am as good a mother to Bee as she is to her son.

Vaccinations: I agree with everything that McCarthy said. We need a new immunization schedule. We need an official study to officially determine whether or not there is a link between autism and immunizations. Period. Bee was fully immunized, and while he didn't regress at any point, he stopped/slowed his progression at about 18 months. Lee was immunized until he was 6 months old - he developed excema after his 1st shots (at 2 months old). We stopped immunizing him at 6 months, and within 2 months, the excema was completely gone. I will not immunize him again anytime soon.

I really wouldn't want Bee to "recover". I wish he wouldn't scream at the top of his lungs at times, or obsessively flush toilets. And I wish he could talk more, only to know what he was thinking (that brain is going a mile a minute!). But to take his "quirks" away would change the child I love. I don't think he's trapped in his body - he's right there. I can see him. To take the autism away would take away the kid who knew the alphabet before the age of 2 and could count to 100 before he was 3. It would take away the fearless child who wants to jump from the railing on to his trampoline. It would take away the kid who asked for tickles over and over until my fingers cramped up. Those aren't traits of autism, those are what make Bee, Bee. That's the Bee I know and love. And I honestly wouldn't change that. Ever.

So, I just have to brag a little on my oldest, Bee. His teacher and aides have been reporting back to me that he's been having such great days at school the past two weeks. It's been such a treat, because last school year was a very difficult one - lots of tears (for both me and Bee), lots of frustration, and Bee feeling overwhelmed (mainly because of the speech/language delay). We have worked so hard with all of Bee's different therapists - OT, ST, behavior therapy, and now music therapy - and his teachers and aides, trying to help him become more engaged in our world. We were seeing little signs here and there, small steps forward, but constant progress. But since he has started school again, it's like a light has been turned on. Anyway, his teacher went on to tell me that he is participating in all activities, reading along with the books, singing songs, and even socializing with his peers! Today, he even was sitting with one of the other kids in the class, and they were playing and laughing together (!!!) - this is HUGE! I had this big, goofy grin on my face, and his teacher and aides did, too. We were all just so proud of him. His teacher then said, "I think today was a breakthrough day!" I am just so excited for Bee and for everyone who has been working with him all these months, and I look forward to building off of this remarkable progress. All these months of driving hither and yon are paying off!   (smile)

So, today was Lee's first full half-day at the dayhome. I was, of course, worried about how he would be  - would he miss me? would he cry? would she have to call me to come get him? My fears were instantly allayed when he walked right in, found his favorite toy, and I immediately ceased to exist. Nice. So I said "goodbye" (I was ignored by Lee, but the dayhome provider's son said "goodbye" to me, at least), and left. Made my way to therapy (I won't scare you with a glimpse into one of those sessions yet), and then high-tailed it back to pick up Bee from school. He had another great day, which made me smile. He walks out singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" - this is the same kid who, last year, cried for the first TWO MONTHS every.single.day when I picked him up AND dropped him off. What a difference a year makes! Then we had a little break before we headed to speech therapy - he had a great session with his therapist, but he's still obsessing over flushing the toilets when he leaves (that's a whole other entry, as well), so we had some tears as we left. I think he was just a bit tired - on Mondays, he has an almost 3 hour break between school and therapy, and I think it's a too late for him, but it can't be helped at this point. I'm hoping that as we get more into our routine (this was only his 2nd Monday since school started), it won't be a big deal. Then we Blue-skidooed over to pick Lee up from the dayhome - he had a great day! Took a nap! Ate meals! Drank water! Played! Made a picture frame! Didn't miss me AT ALL! It's so nice to find a dayhome that your kid is happy to go to. We headed home, relaxed for a bit, and yes - I made dinner.

Hello,

I am an avid blog reader, but this is my first blog. Hi! I'm a mom of two young boys; my oldest (let's call him "Bee") is 4, and on the Autism spectrum (PDD-NOS, to be exact). My youngest (we shall refer to him as "Lee") is 18-months old, and wants to be just like his big brother, but with a little sass thrown in for good measure. I've been married for 7 years to the most wonderful man - he makes the hard times bearable, and the good times unimaginably terrific.

I want this blog to be a glimpse into my little life - the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. I hope you enjoy learning a little bit more about me and my family.