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Hiyas, Wow I hear what you are saying. And I think you need to at least acknowledge yourself. Maybe don't call it grieving but do take some quality time. And I do not even know how to begin that.

Are you involved with any special needs support groups in specific or general? I think parents who are going through this and have been could be of a lot of help.

I do not think however that taking these steps major or minor at all take away from being who you need to be as a mom to Bee or loving and accepting what is and all the hope of what can be.

I am not your therapist or privy to all that has gone on so I don't know why yours is suggesting you do this now but if you like and trust her I think you should give that more credence.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is hard enough. And it is ok to say things have not gone how I expected.

Even when you are living everyday to the fullest and enjoying what you do have.

It's ok really it's ok. And hope can still live on it's not an either or.

TOTALLY!!!

I think my big reason for wanting another child (that didn't happen thank goodness) was to do it RIGHT. When we were married and people would be happy and everything would be how other people had it.

I also never went through what you would call a grieving process when our son was younger. Mostly because I was too busy and there was logically nothing to grieve about. ALL children have strengths and weaknesses. Ours are just a little more obvious! Our kids will need accommodations and extra help. They are also wonderfully unique and add spice to our lives and the world. Without children like ours we would be without many wonderful inventions, works or art and solutions. I wouldn't trade that for any little soccer player in the world.

So while things didn't go how I wanted them to, grieving to me seems like a pretty harsh and radical step. It implies a loss and sadness that I just don't feel when I think of my son. I "giving up" mentality of "that's just the way things are." Our kids change daily. They improve and regress. They never stay the same from day to day or year to year. So to grieve and come to terms with something that is ever changing like that is very very difficult.

A good therapist doesn't have to be right 100% of the time. The important thing is to follow your heart and gut reaction. If you're not digging the whole "grieving" idea, then tell them. I think she's trying to apply a catch-all process for parents with special needs children and that's not going to work (or be necessary) for everyone.

:)

Let me just say that I don't have a child with special needs, but I do think that maybe "grieve" is just not the right word for what your therapist is wanting you to do. I agree with creatress that every child has strengths and weaknesses and no matter how much we know that going in, we also go in to parenting with certain preconceived notions of how we want our children's childhood to unfold...So when things don't unfold that way, perhaps it's a matter of "reassesing" or "recreating" what it is you want for your child? I hope that makes sense. Grieve has such a negative connotation...but the ultimate result can be very positive. Good luck and good for you in seeking out people who can help you!

I once heard a great analogy that I just remembered and had to share. Having a special needs child is like boarding a plane thinking you're going to Hawaii, but really you land in Italy. You know nothing about it, you don't speak the language and packed all the wrong clothes.

Same with the kids! Italy is just a beautiful, you just didn't know you were going there and you weren't prepared.

That analogy could be used for a lot of situations in life, and it is a great one!! Thanks for sharing!

BlahBlahBlah - I think you are right on the mark with your last post about "feeling instead of thinking."  "Grieve" is not the word, because you haven't lost anything!   You are just going down a different path.  This path is more difficult, but like with anything in this crazy life, you have to truly feel the depths to truly feel the highs.  How can any mother not feel the anguish at the struggles a special needs child faces?  And on top of that is the guilt for the feelings we have about how much easier others have it.  

I think we have to allow ourselves to feel these feelings in order to heal - and through that we become an example to all of our kids of how "It isn't about what happens to you in life, but how you choose to deal with it" that matters.

Hang in there!