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How would you handle this?
Ok, I'm going to go out on a limb and ask for advice, and I'm hoping the mom in this scenario I'm about to share doesn't read this blog. I'll try to keep it short and concise... At my daughter's girl scout meeting a few weeks ago, the mom of one of the girls, who I've really only talked to once (the girls also go to the same school, different classes), asked if she could talk to me for a minute. She pulled me aside to let me know that my daughter had hurt her daughter's feelings the week before. She didn't have a lot of specifics, but said that her daughter had come home from school a few days saying my daughter was mean to her. I told her thanks for the heads up and I would ask my daughter about it. That night, she said the other girl had asked to go to my daughter's birthday party and she told the girl she couldn't talk about her party and she wasn't invited. (I had told her and her brother--they are twins--not to talk about their party because not everyone was invited, so my daugther probably was a little harsh with her). I'm sure it did hurt her feelings, but I'm sure there are parties my kids aren't invited too. In any case, we had our daughter apologize to the girl and say she was sorry for hurting her feelings. I e-mailed the mom to let her know and she replied with a very long and detailed e-mail about how my daughter told her daughter that she didn't want to hear about the girl's new puppy and that my daughter repeatedly called her new puppy's name stupid. Ok, my daughter is not an angel...but it is not characteristic of her to be mean to other kids like this. She has a lot of friends, and a lot of other moms tell me how nice she is.I came away from our little e-mail exchange feeling like she was calling my daughter a bully and suspecting that she was telling this to the other moms. Maybe I don't need advice as much as I just needed to vent. I'm sorry her daughter got her feelings hurt. My daughter apologized. This has happened to my daughter as well and it never even occurred to me to confront the other girl's mother. I mean, if it was an ongoing problem I would, but not a seemingly isolated incident. Am I on track with this thinking or am I off my rocker? Honesty is appreciated. 4 comments from 4 users
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posted by
creatress
on May 5, 2008 at 05:49 PM
posted by
hmoeckli
on May 5, 2008 at 06:20 PM
You taught your daughter several good lessons here: 1) Tell someone you're sorry when you've hurt their feelings, 2) Be honest (you didn't freak out when she was honest with you, 3) And how to respectfully engage with someone unpleasant who wants to create drama (you could have spoken badly about the other girl and her mother and you didn't.)To me it sounds like you reacted appropriately. I agree with Creatress to not get caught up. Hopefully, the woman will let it go. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, so this next step may not be appropriate. You may consider asking her to tell you if the other girl continues to say anything to her. That way you know if the mother is escalating the issue and you need to step in again. Good luck! Have I mentioned that I'm so happy my daughter doesn't speak yet? :) posted by
TwinkiesMom
on May 6, 2008 at 09:45 AM
Thanks, Ladies...I had a feeling I wasn't totally off base, so thanks for the validation. Being a parent, to me, is all about preparing your child for the harsh world outside the safe confines of home. Even in first grade, we don't do our kids any favors by sheltering them from disappointment and getting their feelings hurt. My kids can recite the golden rule: Treat others as you want them to treat you. They sometimes forget it, but nonetheless they know it, and I'd like to think it kicks in more often than not. I tell them that if someone is not being nice to them, it doesn't do any good to not be nice back...just go do something else or talk to someone else. Soon that kid will learn that if you aren't nice and don't play fair, other kids won't want to play with you. It's a lesson that applies even in adulthood, right? posted by
suprizmom
on May 6, 2008 at 01:11 PM
man on man... this mom has way toooo much time on your hands to worry about such trivial things and from experience I can tell you that she needs to start to teach her daughter to handle such small things on her own because it only gets worse as the kids get older. you did the right thing.. all your daughter could do was apologize for hurting the girls feelings move on and have a GREAT PARTY!!!
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Oh wow, the joys of being a woman (and girl). Let me assure you that DADS and SONS don't deal with these issues! We are social creatures who are prone to attack each other, regardless of age. Sucky as it is.
You are the rational one in the situation and smart to realize that this mom is out-of-line. I would do just what you did, then leave it at that. Don't get caught up with worrying about what she's saying to other moms. That's her problem. I'm sure other moms will also see this behavior as obsessive (on her part) and ignore it.
This mom obviously has too much time on her hands to get that involved in her daughters life. If it comes up again I'd nicely just say "You know, I believe in being an example to my daughter on manners and how to treat others, I'm confident this is just a simple misunderstanding that the girls can handle on their own!" Or something like that.
So no, you're not off your rocker! And yes, you don't confront other kids parents unless it's serious (and this really isn't.)