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I'm a Stage Mother - OK, not really.  I mean I guess there are those that would consider me one, given the dance classes, rehearsals and auditions my 10-year old daughter does.  But mostly I'm trying to find the balance between letting her pursue her interests and helping her to reach her  potential.  It's a strange world, this local group of musical theater, ballet, acting moms and kids - filled with talented children and the mothers that are fulfilling their own needs through these kids.

My own mother was a ballet dancer as a young girl and instilled her love of dance and theater in my sister and me.  I danced ballet from age 4 to 16 and I've never missed seeing The Nutcracker at Christmas.  When my daughter expressed interest in taking ballet at the age of 4, I gladly signed her up, bought all the stuff and dutifully took her to class each week where she mostly played with the other girls and watched herself in the mirror.  But clearly it was in her blood, as she suited up in the pink leotard and ballet bun for her first class, walked into the little ballet school and proudly exclaimed "Hello Ballerinas, here I am!"

Since then she's gone to ballet class and participated in The Sacramento Ballet's Nutcracker since age 7 along with 500 other local children.  But this year was THE year, the chance to audition for the coveted "Party Girl" role in the Nutcracker - the girls with the Victorian dresses, hoop skirts, petticoats and that HAIR - the curls that go for days and are the envy of every little girl in the show.

What was my role in helping her pursue this dream?  After all, this was a child for whom things had always come easily - when she wanted something it magically happened.  Well that is until this past year.  She kept putting herself out there with auditions, student council elections, dance opportunities and was nothing was working out for her.  

It was painful to watch but I knew this was only the beginning for her.  Adulthood is full of disappointments - and ultimately I knew from my own experiences that if you never have the "downs" the "ups" just aren't as sweet.   There is part of me that wonders if it would be easier and less stressful for all of us if she wasn't so eager to put herself out there.  But I know that it's not my decision, it's hers.

I was dreading the audition, one more opportunity for disappointment - If she didn't get the part, would she give up?  I gave her the best advice I could think of before she went in with the other girls, "Just have fun - it it's meant to be, it will happen for you." 

And you know what?  I was amazingly relaxed as I waited with the other moms for two hours outside the Ballet Studios.  Through the worry that had built up from watching her over the past year, I felt a sense of calm wash over me as I realized that if she didn't get the part again -  she'd be OK.  I knew that this girl of mine wouldn't give up - but perhaps work harder to achieve her goals.  Because putting herself out there wasn't really a choice, but something that was a part of her - she loves the spotlight.

Well...she got the part and the best thing is...she's incredibly grateful.  The past year of disappointments helped her to really feel the joy of having her hard work and perseverance pay off.  I know when I see her on stage this December, I won't be able to contain my tears.  Not because I'm a stage mother getting my own self esteem raised with her achievements, but because through performing, my child has learned a valuable lesson that mere motherly advice couldn't have taught her. And for that, I'm grateful too.

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This morning I was talking to "Twinnie 1" about nothing in particular when she looked at me thoughtfully and said "When I grow up I am going to be a wonderful mother with wonderful children!"

My first thought was "how sweet, she thinks I'm a wonderful mother and wants to be like me." That is until I innocently, and for chatting sake followed up on her statement.  "I know you'll make a great mom, what kind of job will you do, are you still thinking of being a chef or a writer?" and she replied "Just a wonderful mother - that is all Mommy. My husband will work like a regular family." 

As a working mommy, one of the things I tell myself is that by working, I'm showing my girls that they can do anything when they grow up - and I love that my loving 6-year-old realizes that not working is one of those choices.   But the word "regular" stuck with me - is our lifestyle that unconventional?  I admit we don't meet many other families where the daddy is at home raising the kids and mommy goes off to the office.  But does a 6-year old see that we're that different?

On those days when I ache to be with my girls, and "Home Daddy" is struggling with the day to day and can't stand to hear about one more business lunch I had at the hottest hip restaurant - we try take solace in the fact that we are very lucky to have a parent at home. 

Most of all, while I know my girls miss me and love having me home, I have a feeling they will look back at the days they spent with their dad and realize how lucky they were. 

Home Daddy's parenting and constant presence is going to give them something that will shape the women they become in a way that I couldn't even if I was at home all the time. And best of all...I still get to be a "Wonderful Mother" even if it's not "regular."