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Dear Patty,

I don't seem to orgasm with intercourse. Is there a way to change that?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I want to let you know that you are not alone; there are many women out there who struggle to reach orgasm. In fact, a recent study showed that 75% of women are not able to reach orgasm all of the time through intercourse with a partner, whereas 75% of men are able to.  Most women (75 %) are actually able to reach orgasm more often through clitoral stimulation because this area is packed with nerves; it’s the most nerve-rich part of the body, with 8,000-12,000 nerve endings. There is a great deal of controversy that exists regarding vaginal orgasms, and some researchers think that when a woman reaches orgasm through vaginal stimulation or through intercourse, that it is because she is stimulating the clitoris in some other way.  When using your vibrator to reach orgasm, what type of stimulation are you engaging in?  If you are stimulating the clitoris, you may want to focus on clitoral stimulation with a partner. Small vibrating bullets, you or your partner’s fingers and oral favors are perfect things that can be used to stimulate the clitoris during sexual activity and possibly lead to orgasm. If you find that there are certain things that you do when using a vibrator that help you reach orgasm, tell your partner.  Showing your partner exactly how to touch you can be a real turn-on for both of you, and will allow you to experience what works best for you. 

You may find it helpful to try an arousal cream, which is applied externally to the clitoris and is used to increase arousal.  Pure Romance has three types of arousal creams. If you and your partner are interested in using toys together, you could try a c-ring, which is worn on a man’s penis during sex, essentially turning him into a living vibrator. 

I have found over the years that many women experience stress and anxiety due to the pressures of not being able to reach orgasm.  The problem with this is that stress and anxiety can make it even more difficult to climax, creating a vicious cycle of no-orgasm.  Because of this, I encourage you to focus less on reaching orgasm, and more on enjoying the experience.  Focusing on the pleasurable sensations that you feel with a partner can help rid your mind and body of stress, and may help you reach orgasm.  I find it helpful for women to clear their mind first, before engaging in sexual activity.  When you are with your partner, light some candles, put on some sexy music, take a bath together, and give each other a massage prior to foreplay (although this in itself is great foreplay!).  This will help both of you relax and reduce any stress.  When you become intimate with your partner, pay close attention to how he touches you and how it makes you feel.  Try not to let any stray thoughts about orgasm creep into your mind.  Being completely in the moment and really enjoying what you and your partner are doing with each other may help you reach orgasm.

If you find that you still struggle to reach orgasm, you may also want to visit a sex therapist for more advice.  The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists is a great resource for finding a credible sex therapist in your area.  Please visit www.aasect.org to find a sex therapist near you.  I would also like to note that some women have a great deal of difficulty reaching orgasm, some going through their whole life without ever having one.  It is true that some women are never able to reach orgasm, and this is completely normal.  It is definitely possible to have an enjoyable intimate life without experiencing orgasm, and I encourage you to not become discouraged or feel like there is “something wrong with you” if you are not able to.  Each woman is different and each woman has her own experiences; they are not better than others, they are just different.

I hope this information helps.

Truly,

Patty Brisben

CEO/Founder and Intimacy Expert

Pure Romance, Inc.

Patty,

My wife and I have been trying to have a child for over 3 years now.  We have been through the fertilization process all the way up to IVF and have suffered one miscarriage.  Obviously being in our early 30's creates stress and feelings of inadequacy. Our insurance does not pay for any fertilization consults or procedures, so after paying out of pocket for everything, we had to stop. We are desperate to have our own child with the unique blend of everything we love about one another. My question is how successful is IVF and are there any programs out there that help curtail the costs? We are both in public service making public service salaries. It seems that no matter who we ask medically, we never get the same answer, and television and people such as the lady that just had 8 children make it look so easy and nothing is ever easy for us.

Thank you,

E

Dear E,

I am sorry to hear about you and your wife’s struggles with conception.  I can only imagine the stress that you must be experiencing.  Stress is a bit of a Catch-22 when it comes to conceiving: couples who have difficulty with fertility often feel very stressed and anxious, and the stress and anxiety can make it even more difficult to conceive.  Because of this, I encourage you and your wife to speak to a health care provider (specifically a fertility specialist) about your options. There are many options available when it comes to starting a family. You may also want to speak to a counselor or therapist who can help you through this very stressful time.  Managing your stress may be the first step to a successful conception. If there is a local therapist or counselor in your area, I encourage you to visit them.  If not, I recommend the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) to find a certified therapist in your area, www.aamft.org.  I also encourage you and your wife to think about your definition of “family” and what it means to you.  Everyone defines family differently, and this definition may change throughout life and through various experiences.  Deciding what type of family will be right for you and your wife may also be an important step in this process. 

I am definitely not an expert when it comes to in vitro fertilization (IVF), but I did some research on the procedure.  According to the American Pregnancy Association, the success rates of IVF depend on a number of factors, including the age of the mother and other patient characteristics, as well as treatment approaches.  In the United States, the live birth rate for IVF is as follows:

For women under the age of 35: 30-35%

For women 35-37: 25%

For women 38-40: 15-20%

For women over 40 years of age: 6-10%

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) offers a report on the success rates of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) in fertility clinics in the US.  You can find this report by visiting this link: http://www.cdc.gov/ART/ART2... href="http://www.cdc.gov/ART/ART2006/index.htm">http://www.cdc.gov/ART/ART2.... This may help you to find a fertility clinic in your area with a high success rate. You can also visit the Web site for the American Pregnancy Association for advice about finding an ART program that will be right for you,  http://www.americanpregnanc... href="http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertilit y/selectingartprogram.html">http://www.americanpregnanc.... 

I also did some research on financial support for IVF.  I found that this varies by state and center; some centers offer financial assistance to patients.  Some clinics even offer refunds for couples who do not conceive.  I encourage you to do a search for financial aid programs in your area, as it will vary across the US.  You could also explore various clinics in your area and their financial aid options.  Using the American Pregnancy Association link from above may be helpful in this process.