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  Over the past 4 years, my mom went through menopause, and had a mental breakdown. Severe manic depression ensued, as well as suicide attemps, and major emotional turmoil, not just within herself but the whole family. Everyone who knew her was affected. She was a wonderful person, and she changed not into someone bad but into someone who we didn't know. I tried to take care of her, we all did. Some family turned their backs, i was caught in the middle.  Now she is gone. Decenber 31st was the last time anyone has seen or heard from her. Her car was parked not far from where she lived, in Fort Bragg, next to a cliff infamous for people going over and not surviving. There was a huge storm that hit the pacific coast 5 days later, and she was such a petite woman, i fear the sea will forever hold the secret.

  I don't know what happened after she got out of her car. Was she kidnapped? Did she make the 5 minute hike to the cliffs edge, only to slip and fall? Did she jump in a temporary moment of dispair? I don't know the answers, and some days i dont know if i can go on without going crazy. Luckily, i have found a wonderful therapist to listens to me cry week after week, and helps me decide how to put one foot in front of the other. Some of my family and friends have been supportive, some have pulled away. My best friend has been there through thick and thin, and i cannot thank her or God enough for that. The one thing i do know is my children have been my anchor through the storm, my reason to get out of bed every day . They make me laugh every day, give me a reson to smile, and inpire me to keep living, even though my grief is so very immence i feel my heart and brain can explode at any moment.

   Although my mom couldn't be the mother or grandmother she wanted to be (her breakdown came when i was 5 months along with my second baby), i would give anything to have her back. I miss her tremendously, she was a wonderful person. Growing up, she taught me many things, like to always say please and thank you, to send thank you notes for gifts and to always lend a helping hand when you can. So many things i teach my children unconciously, because she showed me the way. Now at 26, i can't fathom never being able to see her again. She was my kids favorite grandma, of course. I never thought she would not be there to see my kids milestones over the years. Not long ago Jayden lost her first tooth, and even though my mom was dealing with her illness, severe manic depression, she sent her a card congratulating her and enclosed  a two dollar bill. She would always do things like that. Send or bring them little gifts or postcards, just to tell them she was thinking about them and that they were special.

   I've never written a blog, but i hope this will be threaputic for me and help the healing process, because at some point i need to feel like my life will go on, even with this gaping hole in my heart. I want people to understand how dangerous menopause and manic depression can be, and to try and have compassion for people who suffer with these debilitating afflictions. The last time i saw my mom was just before Christmas. I hugged her and told her i loved her.  I hope from where she is now she can see that her legacy will never die, and she was flawed, yes , as are we all, but beautiful and loved dearly nonetheless.