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Do you sometimes feel like you have a split personality?  If you’re like a lot of moms, who you are on the inside may not match who you are on the outside, and who you know yourself to be may not be the person you want to show the world.  Reconciling the inner you and the outer you can be a challenge, because there are aspects of life that are hard to admit or share.

Here are some common examples of the inner vs. outer differences, and ideas for finding a happy medium:

Who you see: a woman who needs help, with too many balls in the air.  Everyone wants your time, you feel responsible for too many things (and people!), and it’s overwhelming.

Who you want the world to see: a woman who has it all together, who’s endlessly capable, and who can manage whatever ends up on her plate.

To find a happy medium: give yourself permission to ask for help.  Often help is there if we look for it, but until we admit that we can’t do everything we aren’t in a position to have anyone else lend a hand.  See last week’s blog; try to determine what’s most important among your responsibilities, so you can focus on what truly matters to you. You can either delegate the rest or simply set it aside for the time being.

Who you see: a mom who sometimes gets frustrated, raises her voice more often than she’d like, and doesn’t have nearly enough answers to all the parenting conundrums that show up in life.

Who you want the world to see: a mom with endless patience, who knows what she’s doing and is comfortable with all her parenting choices.

To find a happy medium: recognize that you’re only human, and that none of us have all the answers.  There’s no set manual for mothering, everyone has to learn as they go, and anyone who’s going to judge you for losing your cool or for how you handle a situation may not be someone you want in your life (or, at the very least, someone whose opinion should matter).

Who you see: a person strapped for cash.

Who you want the world to see: a person with plenty of money, who doesn’t worry about every nickel and dime.

To find a happy medium: remember that this is a tough time for a lot of families, and no one wants to admit how difficult it is to have money issues.  Bring your own travel mug of coffee to playgroups instead of the $5 Starbucks latte, and don’t be afraid to bring brown bag lunches to the park; the food you make at home will probably be healthier anyway.

Who you see: a wife whose relationship is way on the back burner, with children who get most of your time and energy.

Who you want the world to see: a vibrant, sexy woman with a marriage full of passion and free from strife.

To find a happy medium: rest assured that most moms of infants and toddlers share your situation.  When you’re raising young children, you may not feel like there’s much left of yourself for anyone else.  This doesn’t diminish the importance of your relationship, however, and it is important to set aside kid-free time to focus on each other, talk about things that have nothing to do with children, and reconnect.

The common thread throughout these scenarios is embarrassment at being less than perfect, or at being in a challenging situation.  It’s hard to admit when things are difficult in any part of your life, but once you open that dialog you’ll often find that your fellow moms understand exactly what you’re going through.  It takes trust, courage and the right friends to be honest about your struggles, yet the support you stand to gain – and the affirmation that you really aren’t alone – can be priceless.

Your assignment:  Look at your life right now and see where the inner you is most different from the outer you that the world sees.  How can you begin to reconcile this, or give yourself the gift of sharing more of yourself with others who can understand and support you?  It can be uncomfortable to open up, but you’ll probably find that many of the moms around you are in similar situations.  Good luck!

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

With the holidays drawing near, this is an especially good time of year to remember the little word that can keep you from getting completely overwhelmed:  NO!  As a mom, you already have a lot on your plate, and you can get in trouble when you start feeling the need to say yes to every request that comes along.

Why are moms so quick to say yes, even when this is the last thing you want to do?  Here are a few common reasons, along with ideas for deciding whether “yes” is really the answer you want to give.

Friendship – Your friend Jane calls and wants you to babysit.  You say yes because friends help each other, and you consider yourself a good friend.

BUT is this the third time in the last week that she’s asked you to watch her kids?  If you feel like she’s taking advantage of your willingness to lend a hand, and you haven’t had enough time with your own kids, it’s ok to decline.  Being a good friend doesn’t mean overextending yourself; taking time for yourself or your own family is a legitimate reason to say no.

Wanting to be liked / to fit in – You get invited to a cookie exchange by another mom in a playgroup you’ve joined; you’re on a strict diet and you don’t even like to bake.  You say yes because you don’t want to miss an opportunity to get to know the other moms better, and you’re happy to simply receive the invitation.

BUT do you really want to be there?  If not, there will be plenty of other opportunities to spend time with the other moms; give yourself permission to say no.  If you do want to go, nothing says you have to participate in the cookie exchange; you could let the hostess know your situation, or you could buy some yummy-looking cookies from a bakery and put them on a nice plate, and no one will be the wiser.  There’s no reason to create unnecessary work for yourself.

Appearances – One of the moms at preschool asks you to call every parent in the class to help gather prizes for a school fundraiser.  You say yes because you don’t want to look as though you don’t care or aren’t willing to help.

BUT are you comfortable doing this?  Do you really have the time to make 30 calls?  If not, decide what you can do (“I don’t have enough time for thirty calls, but I can make ten”) or how much time you can devote (“I’m really no good with phone calls, but I can give you an hour on Tuesday to help wrap prize baskets”), and let that be enough.

Obligation – You’ve been looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving with your immediate family and your best friend, but your in-laws call to invite you over to their home.  You say yes because you don’t want to disappoint anyone, and you feel obligated to make your husband’s family happy.

BUT is there give and take?  Are you able to have some holidays with your own family, or at home?  As long as there’s a balance it’s ok to be accommodating, but if you feel like you’re always missing out on celebrations that would be most meaningful to you then it may be time for a conversation with your husband.

Guilt – This is the biggest reason moms say yes when they don’t want to.  Whether to make up for a perceived shortcoming, keep someone happy, or fulfill some nebulous “should,” you say yes because you convince yourself that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own.

BUT is it justified?  Sometimes, sometimes not; if you haven’t sat down to play with your child in three days and she asks you to stop what you’re doing and read a story, this is probably a request to honor.  If your child, with a sad face and whiny voice, tells you that “You never do anything fun with me!” only two days after your trip to the zoo and the park, you’re allowed to let the comment go unheeded… with NO guilt. 

Motherhood is a balancing act, and often the people around you (especially the little ones) have needs that come before everything else, but these don’t erase your own needs.  Your time, energy and resources are limited, and sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is to give yourself the gift of a well-timed “NO” so that you can say “YES” to something that matters more… even if that something else is simply a little nap or an afternoon off!

Your assignment:  Look at the things you’re saying “yes” to right now – are they all worth your time and attention?  Are there areas where you would benefit from saying “no” a bit more?  Challenge yourself to find one activity, obligation or duty to which you can give yourself permission to say “no” this week, so you can free up a little time for things that are more important to you.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

It’s hard to believe something as basic as sleep could be so confusing and even controversial for moms.  You worry about helping babies develop healthy sleeping habits and the ability to get themselves to sleep.  With older children, there’s the very real concern that they probably aren’t getting enough sleep.  And for many moms, the bedtime routine itself can be a source of stress.

Here are some common questions and concerns, with ideas and resources you may find helpful:

How much sleep does my child need?  Needs vary greatly from child to child, so behavior and signs of tiredness are your best indicator.  On average, a typical newborn will sleep about 16 hours a day.  This decreases to 13 hours for the average 2-year-old, and 10-11 hours per night for a child in grade school.  For more specifics, click here. 

What’s the best way to put my child to bed?  Should I let my child cry himself to sleep?   This is a loaded issue, and many parents on both sides of the debate feel very strongly about it.  Until a child is at least six months old, you should respond to him when he cries.  He’s too young for “sleep training” and needs the security of having you respond to him right away.  After this, if a child isn’t sleeping well, parents either implement some form of the “cry it out” system, or choose a more child-centered approach to bedtime.  To learn the methods espoused by the leading doctor on each side of the debate, read the article Dr. Ferber vs. Dr. Sears.  For pros and cons of a crib vs. co-sleeping (another hot controversy), click here. 

What can I do to make bedtime easier?  Consistency is key.  The more predictable the child’s routine, the easier it will be for all of you.  If you sometimes read one story to your child and put her to bed at 7pm, then other times agree to five stories and an 8:30 bedtime, you may be setting yourself up for trouble.  Quiet activities, low lighting and a “winding down” period will help set the right tone.

How can I help my child sleep better?  Some babies sleep better with white noise in the background, reminding them of sounds from the womb.  Toddlers will sleep better when they aren’t overly tired; a nap can actually help in this regard.  A child who gets too tired may get her second wind (adrenaline surge) and then have difficulty getting to sleep at all.  For older children, try to avoid electronics at bedtime.  Having a tv in the bedroom will typically cause children to get half an hour less sleep per night than if they have no electronic distractions; over a week’s time, this adds up to a significant amount of sleep.

How can I tell if my child is getting enough sleep?   If he wakes up on his own in the morning, generally stays awake during car rides, maintains a consistent mood throughout the day, then falls asleep easily at night, he’s probably in good shape.  If you have to get him up, and you notice that he gets more moody, over-emotional and irritable as the day progresses, he probably needs more sleep than he’s getting.

Does sleep really matter that much?  Yes. Getting enough sleep helps everything from a child’s attention span to her ability to maintain a healthy weight, not to mention the part sleep plays in disposition and social relationships.  One recent study found that 25% of high school kids reported falling asleep in class on occasion, and these were the kids who also felt too tired to exercise.  Another study of primary school teachers revealed that almost 10% of K-4^th grade children were falling asleep in school.  These numbers indicate a serious need for a better night’s sleep.

Your assignment:  Observe your children’s sleeping patterns, and their daily behavior relating to sleep.  Are they getting enough sleep?  If not, look for ways to make bedtimes earlier (and easier) and to help kids wind down at the end of the day.  Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but finding ways to help your children sleep better – and enough – is very important.