SacMomsClub.com

“I want to look just like you when I grow up,” your daughter says to you.  What’s your immediate response?  Can you graciously accept the compliment, or do you have to stop yourself from negating her words, saying something to the affect of, “No, honey, you really don’t”?

If you’re like a lot of moms, even if your daughter is too young to have bought in to society’s standard of beauty, your own standard may be impossibly high, and may be teaching lessons you’d never want to impart.

This is a difficult topic, especially if you have a hard time accepting your own looks, but the epidemic of eating disorders among very young girls and the use of plastic surgery on teenagers points to the need to start early sending the right messages to children.  Here are some questions to consider:

• What do you say out loud about your own appearance?  Are you generally critical or kind to yourself? 
• Are there flaws you feel compelled to share with everyone?  Do you often talk about your weight, your hair, or body parts you’d like to change?
• Is it hard for you to accept compliments or to acknowledge things about your looks that you’re happy about?

Recognize that your child is a sponge, and will absorb the attitudes and beliefs that you share, whether healthy or not, and generally apply these same concepts to herself.  If you allow her to see you feeling good about how you look, and accepting yourself as you are, you’re allowing her a much greater chance of adopting these same ideas.  It can feel uncomfortable acknowledging your own positive attributes (“Wow – my hair looks great today!”), but doing this can help your daughter to feel more comfortable seeing what’s right with her own looks.

If your daughter is old enough to understand these issues in greater depth, here are some ideas:

• Talk to her about pictures in magazines, and explain the difference between reality and airbrushed perfection.  There’s a great little video entitled “Evolution” on the Dove website that shows how an ordinary girl is transformed into a completely fabricated billboard model. 
• Have an honest discussion about appearance.  Focus on what you like about yourself, inside and out, and encourage your daughter to do the same.
• Ask her what her friends think about beauty.  Depending on her age, you’re likely to hear some surprising answers.  By talking about these issues, you can help her process her feelings, and perhaps debunk some of her unrealistic beliefs or expectations.
• Be sure that your comments to her about her looks and features are as positive as you can make them.  Even if you have a legitimate concern – perhaps your daughter is heavier than she should be, for instance – address the issue without making it a focal point.  You don’t want her to see herself as fundamentally flawed just because she has an area that needs to be addressed.

If you’ve listened to much music from the 70’s, you probably know the Billy Joel song that contains these lyrics.  The gist of it is that the person the singer loves doesn’t need to change or do anything different to earn his love; she’s perfect just as she is.

The ballad is meant to be a romantic song, but its message is relevant for moms as well – loving your children unconditionally means loving them just the way they are, and not wanting them to change to be the children you want them to be.

This is fairly easy when you're dealing with a child you understand well, who shares your personality and values and does what you ask; the challenge is when you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t fit this description, who you don’t understand so well, and who you see as more difficult.  That’s when you might start thinking, “If only Bobby would do _____, everything would be so much better.”  But is the missing ingredient within Bobby’s ability to do something about, or does it simply reflect who the child is?  Correcting behavior is your responsibility; controlling your child isn’t.

There’s a fine line here, because your job is not only to love your children but also to raise each to be a responsible and productive adult; this task involves a great deal of molding and shaping.  The tricky part is fundamentally accepting each child for who he is, as this molding and shaping takes place.  It isn’t fair to expect your shy child to become an expert at socializing with strangers, for example, or to disregard her preferences because they don’t match yours.  When you have one child who is “easy” and one child who isn’t, you might assume the second child is deliberately “difficult,” and try to get him to be just like the easier child – but it won’t work, and it also gives him the message that he’s not as good as the other child, and perhaps that your love for him is more conditional.

It’s tough to have a child that doesn’t match your expectations in some way.  If you’ve always been a great musician, say, and your child has no musical ability whatsoever, it’s hard not to try and push the child in that direction anyway, because it’s what YOU want for her.  Unless an attribute that you perceive as a shortcoming is something that will negatively impact her life, however, you’re best to try and look the other way.  Is there a gift to be found in the “shortcoming”?  Is there another way you could look at it?  As much as you can, identify what’s right with the child, and what you’re proud of, and put your focus there. 

Your child will feel better about himself throughout his life when he’s given the message that he’s good enough exactly the way he is.  He needs to know that you’ll never give up on him, and that he’ll always have your love and support (even when it may be hard for you to give it).

Everyone, big and small, wants to feel capable and smart, valued and appreciated, and loved just the way they are.  If you see your children's potential, consistently focus on the positive and let them know you truly believe in them, you’re helping them to do and be their best and giving them the highest possible odds of success.

Your assignment:  Is it sometimes difficult for you to accept your child as he is?  Do you find yourself wanting to change him in some fundamental way?  Take a step back and see how you can address issues and redirect behavior without expecting your child to be someone he isn’t.  Pay more attention to his positive traits, being less controlling and more accepting. 

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

When you look at your child, what do you see?  A precious little person who is infinitely capable, a stubborn kid who does everything the hard way, an angelic brother or sister, a headstrong child who never listens…?

If you have infants or toddlers, it’s relatively easy to focus on how cute they are, how much they’re learning, and all the new things they can do.  But as kids get older, and begin to display traits or attitudes that you don’t care for, it can sometimes be easier to notice what’s wrong with a child than what’s right.  The behaviors you don’t like – the poor table manners, complaining, difficulty sharing – irritate you, so these are what stand out.

The trouble happens when these “problem areas” become a focus, and you start expecting your child to act in undesirable ways.  A mom might say something like, “It’s awful taking Johnny to the park; he’s always mean to the other kids and he never listens when it’s time to leave.”  If Johnny hears this, he may well accept it as a fact, and reinforce everything the mother has just said.  Even if he doesn’t hear the message directly, the mother’s tone of voice and behavior toward him will convey her expectations and likely set up her son to fail.  She expects Johnny to behave badly and not listen, which can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is not to say that Johnny isn’t hard to deal with at the park or that the mother is to blame for her child’s poor behavior, simply to acknowledge that expectations – either negative or positive – can play a large roll in determining an outcome.

If the mom in the above example instead says to Johnny, “I know that today at the park you’re going to be kind to the other children, and that you’ll come when I tell you we have to leave,” and believes it, she’s a lot more likely to see this outcome.  Even if she doesn’t, she’s sending the message to Johnny that he can do better, and that she believes in him, which over time is likely to positively impact his choices.

Henry Ford has a quote you’ve undoubtedly heard: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”  To a child, you as a mom are often the voice that gives one message or the other, and tells him what he is or isn’t able to do.  Children will try to live up to the expectations of their parents as best they can, whether those expectations are positive or negative, empowering or limiting.  To rephrase Ford’s words: whether you expect your children to succeed or expect them to fall short, you’re right.  Expect the best!

Your assignment:  Think about the expectations you have of your child, and notice areas where you tend to expect negative outcomes.  Look for opportunities to turn these around and set more positive expectations, even when the odds are against you.  Your child will benefit from your faith in her, and may surprise you by living up to your expectations.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

Don’t pull the cat’s tail!  Don’t yell in the house!  Don’t throw your toys!  Do any of these commands sound familiar?  If you’re like a lot of moms, you may notice yourself giving a lot of orders over the course of a day, especially about what not to do. 

You see something you don’t like and you want it to stop, so you address it; this may not be the easiest way to get whatever it is that you do want, however.  Here’s why – you’re putting the focus on an undesirable behavior, so that’s exactly where you’re directing your child’s attention.  It may seem to you that “Don’t pull the cat’s tail!” is synonymous with “Touch the cat nicely!”, but your child may not make this connection.  If he can’t pull the cat’s tail, how about its ears?  Can he poke the cat?  When you clearly state what behavior you want, your child is a lot more likely to comply.

Here’s a simple series of instructions that I often give to moms in my workshops; try to play along:

Don’t sit down.

Don’t put your arms at your side.

Don’t look up.

…and so forth.  All these commands clearly beg the question:  What DO you want?  If I asked you to stand up, cross your arms, and look straight ahead, it would be much easier (and less frustrating) to accomplish.

“Don’t” commands are well-ingrained, and changing this speech pattern to one of describing a positive outcome can feel awkward at first.  A good starting point is to think about your most frequently used “don’t” phrases, and come up with better alternatives.  If you’ve planned ahead, you’re more likely to remember your new positive phrases.  When a “don’t” order slips out, just follow it up with the statement of what you do want, and this will still help your child to get the right picture.  If you can also model what you’re requesting, for instance by petting the cat yourself as you instruct your child to be gentle, it will make the lesson stick even more.

If you’re hearing things from your child like, “Everything I do is wrong,” this is a good indication that there are a few too many “don’ts.”  But if this is the case in your home, DON’T worry… just remember to focus on what you DO want (including a happier child and the feeling of being less of a drill sergeant), and you’ll be on your way.

Your assignment:  Pay attention over the next few days to see how often you catch yourself giving “don’t” commands, and start turning these around so you more often tell your children what you DO want.  The better your kids understand exactly what you expect from them, the better they can comply.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

How many times do your kids drive you absolutely crazy in a given day?  How many spills, muddy shoes, atomic diapers and barfing incidents do you have to clean up after, squabbles do you have to moderate, meals do you have to prepare, instructions do you have to repeat 47 times?  Do you sometimes feel like the overwhelm of daily life will never end?

I went to a play last weekend called “Hats!”, the story of a woman coming to terms with her milestone 50^th birthday.  While she laments, older ladies (Red Hat Society members, hence the play’s name) recount their own life transitions, some humorous, some quite poignant.  Even though the play is fictional and the characters are in a different stage of life than I am, some of the stories really hit home – especially those about having children grow up and leave.

Leave?  My beautiful children won’t actually leave, will they?  This is one of those basic truths that we know but can’t really comprehend.  These precious little people with whom we spend hours upon hours of time, who fill our schedules with chores and activities, and who give us our most significant job will someday be gone from our homes.  And this will likely happen sooner that we want, expect, or will be ready for.

Wallowing in sentimentality won’t help matters, but a healthy appreciation for the limited amount of time we really have with our children is important.  How do you make the most of these irreplaceable years, especially when daily life gets either tedious or insanely busy?

• Set aside time for the good stuff – no matter what.  The tasks you don’t get done are less important than the feeling that you’re connecting with your children in a meaningful way on a regular basis.  You’ll never look back and wish you’d done a better job vacuuming and dusting.
• Make it a goal to hug your children (even older ones), tell them you love them, and laugh out loud with them every day.  Having regular positive interactions with your kids will make the annoying parts of mothering a little less so.
• Remember to take care of yourself, so you don’t burn out.  If you’re running on empty you’re likely to be irritable and generally unhappy, and you won’t have as much to offer to anyone.
• When you feel overwhelmed by all the mom duties, remind yourself that these really won’t last forever.  Look at the big picture and realize that the extra work is a small price to pay for all the extra love and joy your children bring you.

It’s all temporary, both the good and the bad, the moments you wish would never end and the times that never seem to.  This, too, SHALL pass – so do what you can to enjoy your children, create memories you’ll be happy to look back on, savor your good fortune to be a mom, and live in the moment as much as you can.

Your assignment:  If you feel overwhelmed by the grind of daily life, and the difficulties of mothering, put yourself down the road ten or 15 years and recognize how completely your children’s lives will change by then.  Find ways to focus on the parts of mothering you love most, and remember that the parts you don’t love will be gone sooner than you expect.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.