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If you’re like many moms, you may have a deep dark secret… you have a favorite child.  You might feel guilty about this and you probably don’t talk about it, but you certainly aren’t alone.  Or perhaps you don’t have a favorite, but your children think you do.  In either case, there are ways to make the situation better.

First off, recognize that loving your children and liking them (or their behavior) at a given moment can be very different things.  Most parents have times when liking one child is easier than liking another – especially if you have teenagers or pre-teens.  The way a child’s personality meshes (or doesn’t) with yours can greatly impact the ease of the relationship.  But even if one child makes you crazy, it doesn’t mean you love her less – you may just like her less at this point in time, and you may have a hard time being around her or dealing with her attitude.

This doesn’t make you a bad mom.  And very likely, if you look down deep, your love for all your children is equally strong, even if the form this love takes with each child looks very different.  Children’s temperaments are unique enough that they often don’t need or want the same things from parents, which may mean that one child spends more time in your lap, another helps you more around the house, another reads more stories with you.  Absolute equality among children is not only unrealistic, but often undesirable.

What do you do if you really do have a favorite?  Nothing.  Really.  Children are quick to perceive favoritism, and often believe that a sibling somehow gets a better deal or is liked more, even when this isn’t the case.  As much as possible, try to focus on what makes your less-favored children wonderful and special; no child should grow up feeling inadequate, and the mirror you hold for your children will greatly impact their feelings of self-worth and value both now and later.  Some kids are harder to live with than others, or require more structure or discipline, but each child has his gifts as well; don’t overlook these.  The less you compare your children to each other, either out loud or even in your head, the better; in any comparison, someone has to come up short.

Older children often feel that younger ones get preferential treatment.  This is likely true to some extent, only because less is generally expected from younger kids.  When an elder child complains, remind her of what her life was like at the younger child’s age, how different your expectations were of her then, and what perks she now has at her present age.  It may not be fair that the preschooler doesn’t have to walk the dog while the 3^rd grader does, but the 3^rd grader probably gets a later bedtime too.  Again, “fair” and “equal” are not the same.

What if a child asks who your favorite is?  Moms generally do one of two things – tell the child that they have no favorite, or tell each child (sworn to secrecy) that that child is the favorite.  The second option obviously has the potential to backfire somewhere down the road, but it can give each child the sense of being extra-special until that point.

Think over the last week in your household.  How much time have you spent as a family?  Are you satisfied with this?  Is your husband?  Your kids?

Spending time together as a family is important, but can be tricky.  Here are a few challenges that may come up around family time:

Scheduling – For some families, if a time isn’t written on the calendar in ink, it doesn’t happen.  Set aside blocks of time regularly, and schedule them in advance if you need to.

Individual preferences – Many stay-at-home moms want nothing more than some down time after being with children all day, and additional “family time” may feel unnecessary.  For a working parent who hasn’t seen the kids since breakfast, however, time together with everyone may be a high priority.  In this case, the working parent could schedule his own time to be with the children, while the mom gets a break and some time all to herself.  It may be hard to get older children interested in family time at all, but planning activities away from home may help.

Family dynamics – If your children have trouble getting along, or if there’s a significant age gap between kids, family time may not work so well.  Your best option may then be to split the kids between parents for separate time; you’re likely to come back together feeling better connected, and having had more fun separately than you would have had together.

Deciding what to do – Maybe your favorite thing is playing a game together, while your partner would rather take a family bike ride and the kids want to walk to the park.  Trade off who picks the activity, and encourage everyone to be a good sport when their personal preference isn’t chosen.

Keeping it interesting – If you’ve gotten into a rut, look for ways to branch out.  Explore the resources on this website, pick up a local family magazine (with a monthly calendar) or drive until you stumble on a new park.  The novelty will make family time more special for all of you.

Unrealistic expectations – The ideal concept of “family time” is sometimes better than the reality.  It’s great to create opportunities for togetherness, connection, fun and meaningful interaction, but the outcome may be different than what you’d hoped for.  Give yourself a pat on the back for creating the time at all, not for the quality of each experience.

You never know where your fondest memories as a parent will come from, but creating more family time is a good way to allow special moments to happen.

Your assignment:  Take a look at how you’re spending your family time and whether you have enough of it, and think about what changes you might want to make.  Set aside time to try something new as a family or just to enjoy each other’s company, and see what happens.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

Part of being a mom is living vicariously through your children in one way or another.  Sometimes this is a great thing, sometimes not… it all depends on your motivation.

There’s nothing better than seeing the world through the eyes of your children.  It gives you a chance to rediscover the wonder in everyday things, appreciate how beautiful a flower is, how interesting a bug can be, the splendor of Play Doh.  Childhood is a magical time, and your children offer you the opportunity to relive this magic by sharing in their constant learning and discovery.

Sometimes it’s good to live a little more vicariously.  When your daughter wants to act out her favorite story for the 27^th time, or your son is eager to play “construction site” with you in the sandbox, the best thing you can do is find a way to share the excitement and put yourself in their shoes.  This can make all the difference in how much you enjoy these kinds of activities.

The trouble in living vicariously starts when you want something “for your child” that’s really more about what you want for yourself.  If you go to a children’s sporting event (soccer, anyone?) you’re likely to see two types of parents – those who simply enjoy watching their children play and those who react to every play as though the outcome is critically important.  Granted, some people are just more competitive than others, but it isn’t hard to spot parents for whom their child’s victory is more about their own pride than the team’s accomplishment.

If your lifetime dream of becoming a ballerina was thwarted, it can be tempting to overly encourage your daughter to follow a path of dance, even if it’s not her favorite thing.  Dads are well-known for pushing their sons toward sports, in acts of vicarious redemption for their own athletic shortcomings.

Most parents want to give a child the comforts and opportunities that they had, to foster whatever talents the child possesses, to create an environment rich with experiences and activities.  This is a valiant goal, as long as it isn’t accompanied by the unspoken message:  You WILL do what I didn’t (but wanted to) do, WILL accomplish what I wasn’t able to, WILL live the life I wanted to live.

If you aren’t sure where you fall along the spectrum, ask yourself what, specifically, feels important to you about your child’s activities and achievements, and why.  Take the time to really think about this.  How personally do you take his accomplishments (and setbacks)?

If you define your child’s success by his ability to accomplish what he wants for himself in a given situation, and avoid defining your own success by what your child does or doesn’t do, you’re on the right track.

Your assignment:  Think about the circumstances in which you want particular outcomes, experiences and accomplishments for your children; are your desires healthy, based on what your child enjoys or excels at?  If so, great.  If, however, your motivations don’t feel entirely pure, look for opportunities to step back and let your child be more who she is rather than who you want her to be.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

These are tough times for a lot of families, and many things are completely out of your control: the economy, the cash for clunkers program, what time your child wakes up in the morning, the state budget, and dirty diapers.  Not much you can do about any of those.

However, when it comes to your personal financial situation, more may be within your control than you think.  The Bee recently shared one tip a day for 30 days from a finance blogger who challenged readers to save $1,000 in a month.  For his complete list of tips, click here.

$1,000 is a lot of money, and you’d have to be spending quite a bit in order to reduce spending by that much.  Still, even saving $100 or $200 a month would be a great step for many families, and since moms are often the ones to buy the groceries, clothing and household supplies, you’re probably in a good position to take a spending challenge of your own.

Here are some common spending pitfalls for moms, and some easy ways to save a little more:

Fast food – if you buy a kid’s meal for two children a couple times a week, that alone can cost almost $100 in a month.  Packing a lunch from home when you know you’ll be out, or stocking some snacks in the car to hold kids over for times errands run long can save you a fortune.

I-have-nothing-for-dinner syndrome – when you realize at 5:30 that there’s nothing in your fridge, and the easy answer is to order out for pizza or go to the store hungry and without a shopping list, you’ll probably spend more than you’d like.  Creating a weekly menu plan may not be especially fun, but by planning ahead and having ingredients on hand for several nights of dinners, you’ll avoid last minute impulse purchases and probably eat healthier too.

Hiring out lots of services – yes, it’s wonderful to have a housecleaner, gardener or pool service, but how much are these types of services costing you?  Could you reduce their frequency, or do even part of the job yourself?  Figure out the savings, and see if a trade-off is worth making.

Babysitters – if you’re spending a lot on sitters, talk to other moms you know and see if you can find (or organize) a babysitting co-op, where moms use a barter system and take turns caring for each other’s children.  Sitters, and especially drop-in centers, can get expensive very quickly; getting free sitting once or twice a month could easily save you $50 or more.

Forgetting the coupons – before you head to a restaurant or entertainment venue, take just a minute to look for coupons, either in mailers, the Entertainment Book (which offers 2-for-1 deals on most area museums and many attractions and restaurants), in the newspaper, or online.  Often you can find a discount, and even small savings can add up.

Using the charge card – unless you pay your balance in full each month, every credit card purchase can add 10-20% to the cost of whatever you’re buying, making good deals not so good.  If you’re carrying a balance, paying this down is one of the best investments you can make.

It’s not easy to change spending habits or behaviors, and it can seem tedious to plan menus or pack lunches, but even the smallest changes can reap big financial rewards, especially over a period of time.

Your assignment:  Pick at least one way to cut back on spending over the next week, and pay more attention to where your money goes.  How much can YOU save?

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.