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As moms, it’s easy to fall into the “more is better” mindset.  There’s always more we can do for and with our children; more activities to try, more money to spend, more time to give.  The tricky part is figuring out the line where “more” becomes too much, and our actions lead to our kids feeling an ongoing sense of entitlement.  What do you want your children to expect from you?

As summer break rapidly draws to a close, many moms find themselves torn.  With children starting or returning to school in the coming weeks, you want to squeeze in as much fun and as many memories as humanly possible.  However, you also want your kids to appreciate the experiences they have, the places you take them, the things they are given, the time you devote to their activities.  You want it all to mean something to them.  Unfortunately, the more you give your children, in your efforts to enrich their lives in various ways, the easier it can be for them to take it all for granted.

When deciding what “enough” consists of for your kids, start by considering the areas below.  Each is something your children would probably like more of; how do you feel about what you’re giving to them?

Time (yours) – There’s never enough, and many children would be glad to have your time and attention around the clock.  It helps to decide on a daily amount of focused time that you want to spend with your children, and make this a priority.  Without a specific benchmark, you may never feel like you’re giving your kids enough time, and Mommy Guilt can easily set in.

Possessions – Toys, games and stuffed animals are the bane of many moms’ existence.  But what to do?  If you’re highly disciplined and organized, you could adhere to the one-toy-in, one-toy-out rule, or regularly rotate bins of toys between the house and garage.  If your child isn’t especially sentimental and is happy to part with outgrown toys, great; for the rest of us, resisting the urge to buy new things (while trying to covertly dispose of all the cheap plastic toys and party favors) can be a necessity to keep chaos at bay.

Experiences – You want your children to see new things, go to new places and explore; sometimes lots of activities are great, but it all depends on you.  If, for example, you really love going with your children to the zoo, the park, story time or day trips, you may feel like you all miss out when you don’t have a full schedule of outings.  However, if you go to these places more from a sense of obligation, maybe it’s time to scale back a little; your child won’t know what he’s missing, and there’s plenty to be learned at home if you’d rather get out less frequently.

Money – Whether in the form of purchases, entrance fees or plain hard cash, a lot of kids feel some entitlement around money.  What do you want to give your children outright, and what must be earned?  This ties into the ages of your children, your personal philosophy on money and whether you’ve yet introduced allowances.  Even 3- or 4-year-olds can understand some basics about money – that toys and activities have a cost, for instance, and that your family probably has some type of budget.

With all of this, the last piece of the equation should be gratitude.  Lack of gratitude is the best indicator that feelings of entitlement are setting in.  Anything you can do to help foster a sense of gratitude in your children is important, and will make life more pleasant for everyone.  Regularly share what you’re thankful for, encourage your kids to do the same, and explain in age-appropriate terms how fortunate you all are to have both the big and small things that are easily taken for granted.

If you’re doing, giving and sharing what you enjoy, and your children seem to appreciate most of it, you’re on the right track.  After all, as a mom you’re entitled to enjoy your children as much as you can, however that works best for you.

Your assignment:  Think about the time, possessions, experiences and money you share with your child.  If you’re satisfied with what you’re providing but feel like your child takes too much for granted or continually wants more, look at ways to address this, encourage gratitude, and try to head off entitlement.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

As a mom, you want to capture as much of your kid’s childhood as possible – but if you aren’t careful, it can be easy to miss out on the experiences you most want to enjoy.

I was reminded of this last week.  My daughter and I were at a Girl Scout camp together, and she had a featured part in a skit that our unit put on for everyone.  So I did what many moms would do – I filmed her.  But here’s the thing; once the skit was done, I realized that by dividing my attention between the little screen on the back of my camera and the actual performance, I missed out on the experience of just enjoying my daughter’s moment in the spotlight.  And this didn’t feel like a good trade-off at all.

There are many common offenders which may hinder your enjoyment of your children or cause you to miss out on some good times; here are a few, and what you can do about them:

• Being too busy.  Instead of putting so much emphasis on productivity, and having something to show for your time spent, recognize the importance of making memories with your child and set aside time every day to sit and play with her.
• Not paying attention.  When playing mindless (to you) games, or reading picture books for the hundredth time, it’s easy to let your mind start wandering.  Even if you don’t care about the task at hand, make an effort to focus on your child and watch his expressions, admire his smiles and laughs, and try to vicariously enjoy the experience.
• Making all the choices.  When you can, let your child decide what you do, play or read, what park you visit or what you’ll make for lunch.  Letting her have a say in the process offers you an insight into her world, and will probably make you both happier in the process.
• Being too practical.  Ok, so finger paints, glitter glue, mud, or anything involving small beads and sequins can make for a giant mess, but they can also be a lot of fun.  Put on old clothes, set up a craft area in the grass, and don’t worry about your kids – or you – getting dirty.
• Wanting everything to be perfect.  Say you want to go to the park.  You can spend a lot of time getting everything “just so” – calling several friends to meet you, packing lunch and snacks, searching for the missing sand toys to bring – or you can just hop in the car and go, then leave when your child gets hungry or bored.  Sometimes all your extra time and effort just isn’t worth it.
• Looking at life through the camera.  Yes, back to my own shortfall.  There are ways to avoid watching the camera more than your child; one easy option is to get a friend to help you.  You watch your child while your friend films, then you do the same for her.  A tripod can also free you up, especially if your child is doing something stationary.  Set up the camera, press “record,” then turn your attention to your child.  As author Eric Weiner sums up, it can be difficult to simultaneously record and experience life; we often have to pick one or the other.  Try bypassing the camera once in a while, and trust yourself to remember some of the special moments - easier to do if you’re completely focused, and not staring through a camera lens.

On our last night at camp, my daughter and I snuggled and watched the stars together until she fell asleep hugging my arm.  There are no pictures of this, nor do there need to be.  I will hold on to my special memory, thankful that this time I didn’t miss out.

Your assignment:  Think about ways you may be missing out on enjoying your children as much as you (and perhaps they too) would like.  Make time this week for some special time together, undertake a messy project, or try especially hard to give your kids your undivided attention during play time.  And leave the camera at home!

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

Are you a big fan of summer, enjoying lazy days of relaxing, being less scheduled, getting some much needed “r&r”?  Or do you suffer from summer guilt, trying to enjoy yourself and your children but really wanting to be productive (which can be almost impossible with kids around all day)?

If you’re in the first group, give yourself a pat on the back, stop reading, and go sit by the pool with a good book and a big glass of lemonade while the kids splash around.  If you find yourself wishing you could just get a little more done (so you could THEN go sit by the pool and relax), read on.

If any of your kids are at least pre-school age then you understand the dilemma; you want to enjoy their company and make the most of your time together, but still manage to get a few things done.

How do you best balance productivity, kid time and me time?

• Pare down your to-do list.  Try to separate the tasks that would be nice to get done from those which have to get done, and let some of the non-essentials go.
• Look for blocks of time.  Even though moms often operate in 5-minute increments, you’ll get a lot more done if you can set aside a solid half-hour (or more) to plow through chores uninterrupted.
• Beware of the time vaporizers – e-mail, TV and the phone.  If you need to find a little extra time in your day, see what impact these three culprits may be having.
• Set aside some dedicated time each day to focus on your children, and perhaps share a special activity.  Some moms find it easier to give their full attention to their kids if they leave the house, regularly taking a morning walk to a nearby park, for example, or making a trip to the gym pool as part of their daily routine.
• Make time just for yourself as well.  Personal time can be especially hard to come by in summer, but no less important than any other time.  Take a couple hours (or longer if you can swing it) at least weekly, for whatever renews you – getting together with friends, taking a quiet walk by yourself, or simply relaxing without anything to do at all.
• Cut yourself some slack.  You’ll never get everything done, but this fact doesn’t stop a lot of moms from trying.  Instead, give yourself credit for whatever you do manage to get done in a day, and rest assured that your to-do list will still be waiting for you tomorrow… or whenever you get back to it.

Your assignment:  If you feel like you’re focusing too much on productivity and not enough on enjoying your children and yourself, look for ways to scale back your to-do list, make the most of the time you do have, and set aside time specifically for the kids and for yourself.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

This is the last of a 4-part look at your child’s personality.

The final piece of personality looks at how your child organizes life.  A child either likes to make plans and have things decided (a “judger”) or to be more spontaneous and have options open (a “perceiver”).

The words are misleading.  The “judging” child isn’t judgmental, but likes things settled and known.  Likewise, the “perceiving” child isn’t necessarily perceptive, he just likes his plans to be flexible, and he enjoys gathering information more than making decisions.

Here are some clues to help you recognize your child’s type:

- Does your child tend to like order and structure (J) or flexibility and spontaneity (P)?

- Would you describe your child more as productive and responsible (J) or playful and impulsive (P)?

- When plans are made for an upcoming activity, does this make your child happy (J) or would she rather leave her options open as long as possible (P)?

- Would your child rather start a project (P) or finish one (J)?

- Does your child find rules to be comforting (J) or limiting and irritating (P)?

This characteristic can be difficult to assess in young children, who are naturally playful, curious and open to new things.  By preschool age, however, it may be easier for you to make a determination.

If your child is a Judger:

·         She likes being in a structured and organized environment, and wants to be part of the family's general decision-making process.

·         Recognize, especially if you’re more of a P, that a J child feels uneasy when things are up in the air for too long.

·         He doesn’t especially like changes in plans, and may need more time than a P child to transition between activities (particularly if he’s also an Introvert).

·         She wants to be on time for things, and wants you to be on time as well.

If your child is a Perceiver:

·         She welcomes the chance to try something new, and is comfortable with the unexpected.  Too many set plans make her life boring.

·         Making a decision can be stressful.  If he says yes to one activity, he can no longer choose other options, so he may instead avoid a decision and let it be made for him by circumstances.

·         She may have trouble finishing tasks, especially ones which don’t especially interest her.  If you’re a J, you’re likely to butt heads with your child over the way she chooses to do chores; she’s likely to get distracted, and you may be happier staying out of the way and letting her do things her way.

·         He may need help recognizing the importance of deadlines and commitments.

·         As a parent, you’ll have to focus on choosing your battles and being consistent, to avoid continually correcting and reprimanding your child.

This series of articles is based on the four aspect of personality as defined by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  For more information on personality and children, Paul and Barbara Tieger’s book Nurture by Nature is an excellent resource.  To take a free online test and learn more about your own type, click here.

Your assignment:  Look for clues this week as to your child’s tendency toward making plans (“Judging”) or being more spontaneous (“Perceiving”).  Once you’ve determined this, look at ways to best support and work with this trait – especially if your own tendency is different.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

This is the third of a 4-part look at your child’s personality.

The thinking vs. feeling component of your child’s personality determines how she makes decisions.  A Thinker (T) makes decisions based on logic, using objective facts and data to reach a conclusion.  A Feeler (F), on the other hand, makes decisions based on values and what feels right, looking at how a particular choice will impact others.

Here are some ways to tell whether your child is a Thinker or a Feeler:

- In a conversation, does your child tend to be tactful and concerned about the impact his words have on others (F) or is he more honest, straightforward and direct, even if what he’s saying might upset the other person (T)?

- Does your child get her feelings hurt easily, or seem overly sensitive (F)?

- Is your child objective and assertive (T) or more gentle and empathetic (F)?

- When playing games, does your child tend to be more competitive (T) or cooperative (F)?

If your child is a Thinker:

·         She wants to know the reasons for a rule, so that it makes sense to her.  “Because I said so” is an especially unsatisfying rationale to this child.

·         Try to help him develop more empathy, so he can better recognize his impact on others.  A T child may not understand why an F playmate or sibling gets angry when he says something that might be perceived by the F as critical.

·         Praise needs to be based on specific achievements for your child to accept it and take it seriously.  She wants to be valued and appreciated for genuine and legitimate (to her) reasons.

·         In spite of a tough exterior, this child still has emotions, but he may need help trying to process or express them.

If your child is a Feeler:

·         Recognize that it’s difficult for her to make a decision that will cause someone to be unhappy.

·         Because she wants so much to be liked, it will be especially important for you to address peer pressure and the need to think for herself.

·         Physical contact, while important for all children, is especially important for an F.  He needs a lot of hugs and touching.

·         Conflict is hard for him to handle.  Being around people who are arguing is extremely uncomfortable for him.

·         Be aware, especially if you’re a T, that your child is likely to take things personally much more often than seems reasonable.  You may think you’re making a general observation about your child, but she may take the comment personally and believe she’s being criticized.

Keep in mind that these traits are not choices; they are hard-wired into the child’s make-up.  An F child doesn’t choose to be sensitive, nor does a T child choose to be logical, but as a parent you may feel like your child just doesn’t “get it” if their characteristic is the opposite of yours.

Also, in times of conflict these traits especially polarize.  The F becomes more emotional, which makes the T really uncomfortable.  The T responds by becoming more cold and rigid, making the F more emotional, and a vicious cycle ensues.  If this dynamic arises with your child, try especially hard to meet your child where she is.  Acknowledge and accept her emotions, if she’s an F, or try to present yourself logically and with supporting facts if he’s a T.

Your assignment:  Try to figure out whether your child is a thinker or a feeler.  Look for ways to best support and work with this trait – especially if your own tendency is different.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.