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It’s hard to believe something as basic as sleep could be so confusing and even controversial for moms.  You worry about helping babies develop healthy sleeping habits and the ability to get themselves to sleep.  With older children, there’s the very real concern that they probably aren’t getting enough sleep.  And for many moms, the bedtime routine itself can be a source of stress.

Here are some common questions and concerns, with ideas and resources you may find helpful:

How much sleep does my child need?  Needs vary greatly from child to child, so behavior and signs of tiredness are your best indicator.  On average, a typical newborn will sleep about 16 hours a day.  This decreases to 13 hours for the average 2-year-old, and 10-11 hours per night for a child in grade school.  For more specifics, click here. 

What’s the best way to put my child to bed?  Should I let my child cry himself to sleep?   This is a loaded issue, and many parents on both sides of the debate feel very strongly about it.  Until a child is at least six months old, you should respond to him when he cries.  He’s too young for “sleep training” and needs the security of having you respond to him right away.  After this, if a child isn’t sleeping well, parents either implement some form of the “cry it out” system, or choose a more child-centered approach to bedtime.  To learn the methods espoused by the leading doctor on each side of the debate, read the article Dr. Ferber vs. Dr. Sears.  For pros and cons of a crib vs. co-sleeping (another hot controversy), click here. 

What can I do to make bedtime easier?  Consistency is key.  The more predictable the child’s routine, the easier it will be for all of you.  If you sometimes read one story to your child and put her to bed at 7pm, then other times agree to five stories and an 8:30 bedtime, you may be setting yourself up for trouble.  Quiet activities, low lighting and a “winding down” period will help set the right tone.

How can I help my child sleep better?  Some babies sleep better with white noise in the background, reminding them of sounds from the womb.  Toddlers will sleep better when they aren’t overly tired; a nap can actually help in this regard.  A child who gets too tired may get her second wind (adrenaline surge) and then have difficulty getting to sleep at all.  For older children, try to avoid electronics at bedtime.  Having a tv in the bedroom will typically cause children to get half an hour less sleep per night than if they have no electronic distractions; over a week’s time, this adds up to a significant amount of sleep.

How can I tell if my child is getting enough sleep?   If he wakes up on his own in the morning, generally stays awake during car rides, maintains a consistent mood throughout the day, then falls asleep easily at night, he’s probably in good shape.  If you have to get him up, and you notice that he gets more moody, over-emotional and irritable as the day progresses, he probably needs more sleep than he’s getting.

Does sleep really matter that much?  Yes. Getting enough sleep helps everything from a child’s attention span to her ability to maintain a healthy weight, not to mention the part sleep plays in disposition and social relationships.  One recent study found that 25% of high school kids reported falling asleep in class on occasion, and these were the kids who also felt too tired to exercise.  Another study of primary school teachers revealed that almost 10% of K-4^th grade children were falling asleep in school.  These numbers indicate a serious need for a better night’s sleep.

Your assignment:  Observe your children’s sleeping patterns, and their daily behavior relating to sleep.  Are they getting enough sleep?  If not, look for ways to make bedtimes earlier (and easier) and to help kids wind down at the end of the day.  Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but finding ways to help your children sleep better – and enough – is very important.

Ok moms: besides costumes, what’s the first thing you associate with Halloween?  Very likely, candy. 

You may already have children grazing on candy intended for Halloween, and by November 1 you’re likely to be overflowing with acquired trick-or-treat goodies.  It’s hard to keep sugar in check when your house is overflowing with all the candy; what’s a health-conscious mom to do?

Most fall into one of three schools of thought:

Ignore it and it will go away (the candy, that is) – and it will, especially with lots of people helping… possibly in a matter of hours, usually over a period of days.  If you aren’t worried about candy intake, or aren’t prone to excessive snacking yourself, this is fine.  To keep things from getting too out of hand, you can always limit the number of houses you visit during trick-or-treating to begin with, so there isn’t such an overflow of sweets to tempt everyone.

Moderation in all things (the make-it-last approach) – you simply limit candy to a small amount per day.  This is great if everyone has lots of will power, or if your children are young enough for you to be in charge of doling out all the treats.  You may still have candy left well into December, but you get to enjoy it over a long period of time and you won’t have children feeling ill from eating two dozen of their favorite miniature size chocolate bars all at once.

Eat now or forever hold your piece (the use-it-or-lose-it plan) – there are several variations on this, but the common theme is that candy goes away very shortly after Halloween.  Moms have many inventive ways of making this happen:

• Picking favorites – have your kids choose a dozen of their absolute favorite goodies, and toss the rest
• The Great Pumpkin – this concept is similar to the Tooth Fairy.  You leave your candy in a big pile outside the back door (or wherever) and in the morning it’s been replaced by a toy or a dollar or two.
• Cash for Candy – you can do this outright, and simply make a deal with your kids (offering $5 for the entire bag, perhaps), or go to a place that will actually give you cash for your treats.  Lyons Orthodontics in El Dorado Hills and Citrus Heights and select locations of A+ Personalized Dental Care  in Roseville and Lincoln, among others, will give you $1/lb for candy, then send the candy on to troops overseas.
• The looming deadine – simply tell the kids that on Monday all the candy will be tossed, sent to the office, or otherwise disposed of.  Then run and hide (perhaps taking a Milky Way bar with you).

Your assignment:  Decide what you want to do – if anything! – about the Halloween candy that will soon fill your home.  If you plan to limit candy, think about how to do this as easily as possible, and be sure your kids know what to expect so there aren’t any terrible surprises.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

Do you have a dream?  Not a kid-related dream (though of course you’d love for your toddler to be potty trained and for all your children to get along perfectly), but rather a dream just for you?

It’s sometimes tough in the midst of motherhood to see beyond the present moment at all.  Days and even weeks can pass in a flurry of diapers, naps and playdates, and a mom’s busy schedule doesn’t leave you much time and energy to focus on dreams, but that doesn’t lessen their importance.

Having something to look forward to makes you a happier person and helps remind you of who you are on the inside, apart from all your other roles – mother, wife, friend and so forth.

If time, money and children were no obstacles, what would you love to have or do in your life?  Here are some questions to get you thinking about some possible dreams:

·         Where have you always wanted to travel (or return to)?

·         What would you enjoy learning (a language, computer programming, how to fuse glass)?

·         What career aspirations do you have for when your kids are older?

·         What physical challenge might you want to undertake (climb a mountain, run a marathon, learn to ballroom dance)?

When you consider these questions, what stands out for you?  Can you pinpoint one desire that calls to you more than the others?

When you come up with a new potential undertaking, beware of the voice of practicality in your head, which can cut your enthusiasm off at the pass.  You might tell yourself that your dream costs too much, say, or is too difficult, or just doesn’t make sense.  And while there may be some valid obstacles to overcome, what's most likely to hold you back is simply an unjustified fear of change, of doing something different or reaching for an achievement that seems too far out of your grasp.  This is why action of some kind is so important; knowing that you’re taking even tiny steps in the direction of your dream is what brings it into the realm of the possible.

Think about what one thing you could do to begin moving toward your dream.  Suppose you’d love to run a marathon; you could talk to other moms that have done it, find out about how to train, or commit to waking up early one morning a week and jogging to begin getting in shape.  Or maybe you want to visit Paris.  You could read books to learn about the city, talk to a travel agent, or start setting aside a little cash; if you saved only $10 a week, in 3 or 4 years you’d have enough money to take your trip. 

The most important thing isn’t to know exactly how or when you’ll achieve your dream, but to have one at all.  To have something that you’re working toward in some tiny way, even very slowly, even far out on the horizon, can give you fulfillment and deep personal satisfaction.  In the midst of all the motherhood mayhem, it gives you something that’s all yours.

Your assignment:  Spend a little time thinking about your own dream, if you already have one, or ask yourself questions to figure out what it might be.  Once you have an idea, decide on one tiny step you can make in the direction of this dream.  You may be surprised to find that it isn’t so far out of reach.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

So, how’s your budget doing these days?  Fall can be an expensive time anyway, and the recession is making this year even harder than usual for a lot of families.

If you haven’t given much thought to the financial pitfalls awaiting you over the next couple of months, this is the perfect time to take stock.  When you contemplate spending you probably jump ahead to either Christmas or Hanukah, but even Halloween and Thanksgiving can take quite a toll on your pocketbook if you purchase costumes, candy and decorations, or buy food to make a feast for a large group.

A little planning ahead can make a big difference in the amount of debt you incur (or not) by January.  The first thing to do is decide as a family on a budget for each holiday, then look for ways to make your dollars stretch as far as possible.  Here are some simple ideas:

October

• Decide, very soon, what your children will be for Halloween.  Many thrift stores have a good assortment of costumes and/or props right now, and you can put together an outfit much more easily (and less expensively) than if you have to buy a costume for retail price the week of Halloween.
• Try to purchase your candy all at once, and do the same with decorations.  If you buy candy over a period of time you can end up spending more than you wanted to, and having more than you need.  Buy treats close to Halloween, so they don’t mysteriously vanish before the big night arrives.
• For some great inexpensive decorating ideas, see Creatress’ blog this week. 

November

• If you’re going to be hosting Thanksgiving, think about how much food you need to make and decide how much you want to spend on a ham or turkey.
• Choose your menu early, so you can take advantage of the sales many stores have on Thanksgiving staples.
• Get your kids involved in the decorating.  For dozens of inexpensive Thanksgiving crafts, check out Family Fun’s website.  If you have loved ones overseas, get holiday packages in the mail now – you can save a huge amount of money by avoiding last minute expedited shipping.

December

• Decide how much you want to spend on each child, and how to divide funds between large and small gifts, the fun and the practical.
• Think about your options for adults in your household.  Do you all want to exchange gifts, would you rather pare down and focus more on the children, or might you do a special activity together and forego all the adult presents?
• Look at alternatives to standard gifts.  Maybe your best friend really needs help cleaning out her closet, or your mom could use a hand sorting through old photos.  Time spent helping someone can often be the perfect gift.
• Remember the stockings.  It’s both unpleasant and costly to realize on Christmas Eve that you’ve completely forgotten about stocking stuffers.  Pick up inexpensive goodies whenever you come across them and you’ll be well prepared.
• Set aside money for the many seasonal expenses other than gifts, such as new outfits, travel costs, and even holiday cards.  Buying and mailing large quantities of cards can become very costly.  Are there people you could send an e-card to or call instead of sending a traditional card? 

This time of year can bring so much joy when you have young children, and you don’t want financial concerns to intrude on this.  By making a budget and planning ahead, you can focus more of your attention on your kids and on making wonderful memories together.    

Your assignment:  Look at your finances from now until the end of the year, and decide how much you want to spend on each of the upcoming holidays for food, gifts, activities, and all the other expenses.  If money is tight, decide which expenditures are most important to you and how you can save enough for the things that matter most to your family.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

“I want to look just like you when I grow up,” your daughter says to you.  What’s your immediate response?  Can you graciously accept the compliment, or do you have to stop yourself from negating her words, saying something to the affect of, “No, honey, you really don’t”?

If you’re like a lot of moms, even if your daughter is too young to have bought in to society’s standard of beauty, your own standard may be impossibly high, and may be teaching lessons you’d never want to impart.

This is a difficult topic, especially if you have a hard time accepting your own looks, but the epidemic of eating disorders among very young girls and the use of plastic surgery on teenagers points to the need to start early sending the right messages to children.  Here are some questions to consider:

• What do you say out loud about your own appearance?  Are you generally critical or kind to yourself? 
• Are there flaws you feel compelled to share with everyone?  Do you often talk about your weight, your hair, or body parts you’d like to change?
• Is it hard for you to accept compliments or to acknowledge things about your looks that you’re happy about?

Recognize that your child is a sponge, and will absorb the attitudes and beliefs that you share, whether healthy or not, and generally apply these same concepts to herself.  If you allow her to see you feeling good about how you look, and accepting yourself as you are, you’re allowing her a much greater chance of adopting these same ideas.  It can feel uncomfortable acknowledging your own positive attributes (“Wow – my hair looks great today!”), but doing this can help your daughter to feel more comfortable seeing what’s right with her own looks.

If your daughter is old enough to understand these issues in greater depth, here are some ideas:

• Talk to her about pictures in magazines, and explain the difference between reality and airbrushed perfection.  There’s a great little video entitled “Evolution” on the Dove website that shows how an ordinary girl is transformed into a completely fabricated billboard model. 
• Have an honest discussion about appearance.  Focus on what you like about yourself, inside and out, and encourage your daughter to do the same.
• Ask her what her friends think about beauty.  Depending on her age, you’re likely to hear some surprising answers.  By talking about these issues, you can help her process her feelings, and perhaps debunk some of her unrealistic beliefs or expectations.
• Be sure that your comments to her about her looks and features are as positive as you can make them.  Even if you have a legitimate concern – perhaps your daughter is heavier than she should be, for instance – address the issue without making it a focal point.  You don’t want her to see herself as fundamentally flawed just because she has an area that needs to be addressed.

If you’ve listened to much music from the 70’s, you probably know the Billy Joel song that contains these lyrics.  The gist of it is that the person the singer loves doesn’t need to change or do anything different to earn his love; she’s perfect just as she is.

The ballad is meant to be a romantic song, but its message is relevant for moms as well – loving your children unconditionally means loving them just the way they are, and not wanting them to change to be the children you want them to be.

This is fairly easy when you're dealing with a child you understand well, who shares your personality and values and does what you ask; the challenge is when you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t fit this description, who you don’t understand so well, and who you see as more difficult.  That’s when you might start thinking, “If only Bobby would do _____, everything would be so much better.”  But is the missing ingredient within Bobby’s ability to do something about, or does it simply reflect who the child is?  Correcting behavior is your responsibility; controlling your child isn’t.

There’s a fine line here, because your job is not only to love your children but also to raise each to be a responsible and productive adult; this task involves a great deal of molding and shaping.  The tricky part is fundamentally accepting each child for who he is, as this molding and shaping takes place.  It isn’t fair to expect your shy child to become an expert at socializing with strangers, for example, or to disregard her preferences because they don’t match yours.  When you have one child who is “easy” and one child who isn’t, you might assume the second child is deliberately “difficult,” and try to get him to be just like the easier child – but it won’t work, and it also gives him the message that he’s not as good as the other child, and perhaps that your love for him is more conditional.

It’s tough to have a child that doesn’t match your expectations in some way.  If you’ve always been a great musician, say, and your child has no musical ability whatsoever, it’s hard not to try and push the child in that direction anyway, because it’s what YOU want for her.  Unless an attribute that you perceive as a shortcoming is something that will negatively impact her life, however, you’re best to try and look the other way.  Is there a gift to be found in the “shortcoming”?  Is there another way you could look at it?  As much as you can, identify what’s right with the child, and what you’re proud of, and put your focus there. 

Your child will feel better about himself throughout his life when he’s given the message that he’s good enough exactly the way he is.  He needs to know that you’ll never give up on him, and that he’ll always have your love and support (even when it may be hard for you to give it).

Everyone, big and small, wants to feel capable and smart, valued and appreciated, and loved just the way they are.  If you see your children's potential, consistently focus on the positive and let them know you truly believe in them, you’re helping them to do and be their best and giving them the highest possible odds of success.

Your assignment:  Is it sometimes difficult for you to accept your child as he is?  Do you find yourself wanting to change him in some fundamental way?  Take a step back and see how you can address issues and redirect behavior without expecting your child to be someone he isn’t.  Pay more attention to his positive traits, being less controlling and more accepting. 

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

When you look at your child, what do you see?  A precious little person who is infinitely capable, a stubborn kid who does everything the hard way, an angelic brother or sister, a headstrong child who never listens…?

If you have infants or toddlers, it’s relatively easy to focus on how cute they are, how much they’re learning, and all the new things they can do.  But as kids get older, and begin to display traits or attitudes that you don’t care for, it can sometimes be easier to notice what’s wrong with a child than what’s right.  The behaviors you don’t like – the poor table manners, complaining, difficulty sharing – irritate you, so these are what stand out.

The trouble happens when these “problem areas” become a focus, and you start expecting your child to act in undesirable ways.  A mom might say something like, “It’s awful taking Johnny to the park; he’s always mean to the other kids and he never listens when it’s time to leave.”  If Johnny hears this, he may well accept it as a fact, and reinforce everything the mother has just said.  Even if he doesn’t hear the message directly, the mother’s tone of voice and behavior toward him will convey her expectations and likely set up her son to fail.  She expects Johnny to behave badly and not listen, which can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is not to say that Johnny isn’t hard to deal with at the park or that the mother is to blame for her child’s poor behavior, simply to acknowledge that expectations – either negative or positive – can play a large roll in determining an outcome.

If the mom in the above example instead says to Johnny, “I know that today at the park you’re going to be kind to the other children, and that you’ll come when I tell you we have to leave,” and believes it, she’s a lot more likely to see this outcome.  Even if she doesn’t, she’s sending the message to Johnny that he can do better, and that she believes in him, which over time is likely to positively impact his choices.

Henry Ford has a quote you’ve undoubtedly heard: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”  To a child, you as a mom are often the voice that gives one message or the other, and tells him what he is or isn’t able to do.  Children will try to live up to the expectations of their parents as best they can, whether those expectations are positive or negative, empowering or limiting.  To rephrase Ford’s words: whether you expect your children to succeed or expect them to fall short, you’re right.  Expect the best!

Your assignment:  Think about the expectations you have of your child, and notice areas where you tend to expect negative outcomes.  Look for opportunities to turn these around and set more positive expectations, even when the odds are against you.  Your child will benefit from your faith in her, and may surprise you by living up to your expectations.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

Don’t pull the cat’s tail!  Don’t yell in the house!  Don’t throw your toys!  Do any of these commands sound familiar?  If you’re like a lot of moms, you may notice yourself giving a lot of orders over the course of a day, especially about what not to do. 

You see something you don’t like and you want it to stop, so you address it; this may not be the easiest way to get whatever it is that you do want, however.  Here’s why – you’re putting the focus on an undesirable behavior, so that’s exactly where you’re directing your child’s attention.  It may seem to you that “Don’t pull the cat’s tail!” is synonymous with “Touch the cat nicely!”, but your child may not make this connection.  If he can’t pull the cat’s tail, how about its ears?  Can he poke the cat?  When you clearly state what behavior you want, your child is a lot more likely to comply.

Here’s a simple series of instructions that I often give to moms in my workshops; try to play along:

Don’t sit down.

Don’t put your arms at your side.

Don’t look up.

…and so forth.  All these commands clearly beg the question:  What DO you want?  If I asked you to stand up, cross your arms, and look straight ahead, it would be much easier (and less frustrating) to accomplish.

“Don’t” commands are well-ingrained, and changing this speech pattern to one of describing a positive outcome can feel awkward at first.  A good starting point is to think about your most frequently used “don’t” phrases, and come up with better alternatives.  If you’ve planned ahead, you’re more likely to remember your new positive phrases.  When a “don’t” order slips out, just follow it up with the statement of what you do want, and this will still help your child to get the right picture.  If you can also model what you’re requesting, for instance by petting the cat yourself as you instruct your child to be gentle, it will make the lesson stick even more.

If you’re hearing things from your child like, “Everything I do is wrong,” this is a good indication that there are a few too many “don’ts.”  But if this is the case in your home, DON’T worry… just remember to focus on what you DO want (including a happier child and the feeling of being less of a drill sergeant), and you’ll be on your way.

Your assignment:  Pay attention over the next few days to see how often you catch yourself giving “don’t” commands, and start turning these around so you more often tell your children what you DO want.  The better your kids understand exactly what you expect from them, the better they can comply.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.

How many times do your kids drive you absolutely crazy in a given day?  How many spills, muddy shoes, atomic diapers and barfing incidents do you have to clean up after, squabbles do you have to moderate, meals do you have to prepare, instructions do you have to repeat 47 times?  Do you sometimes feel like the overwhelm of daily life will never end?

I went to a play last weekend called “Hats!”, the story of a woman coming to terms with her milestone 50^th birthday.  While she laments, older ladies (Red Hat Society members, hence the play’s name) recount their own life transitions, some humorous, some quite poignant.  Even though the play is fictional and the characters are in a different stage of life than I am, some of the stories really hit home – especially those about having children grow up and leave.

Leave?  My beautiful children won’t actually leave, will they?  This is one of those basic truths that we know but can’t really comprehend.  These precious little people with whom we spend hours upon hours of time, who fill our schedules with chores and activities, and who give us our most significant job will someday be gone from our homes.  And this will likely happen sooner that we want, expect, or will be ready for.

Wallowing in sentimentality won’t help matters, but a healthy appreciation for the limited amount of time we really have with our children is important.  How do you make the most of these irreplaceable years, especially when daily life gets either tedious or insanely busy?

• Set aside time for the good stuff – no matter what.  The tasks you don’t get done are less important than the feeling that you’re connecting with your children in a meaningful way on a regular basis.  You’ll never look back and wish you’d done a better job vacuuming and dusting.
• Make it a goal to hug your children (even older ones), tell them you love them, and laugh out loud with them every day.  Having regular positive interactions with your kids will make the annoying parts of mothering a little less so.
• Remember to take care of yourself, so you don’t burn out.  If you’re running on empty you’re likely to be irritable and generally unhappy, and you won’t have as much to offer to anyone.
• When you feel overwhelmed by all the mom duties, remind yourself that these really won’t last forever.  Look at the big picture and realize that the extra work is a small price to pay for all the extra love and joy your children bring you.

It’s all temporary, both the good and the bad, the moments you wish would never end and the times that never seem to.  This, too, SHALL pass – so do what you can to enjoy your children, create memories you’ll be happy to look back on, savor your good fortune to be a mom, and live in the moment as much as you can.

Your assignment:  If you feel overwhelmed by the grind of daily life, and the difficulties of mothering, put yourself down the road ten or 15 years and recognize how completely your children’s lives will change by then.  Find ways to focus on the parts of mothering you love most, and remember that the parts you don’t love will be gone sooner than you expect.

Ready to take the assignment?  Want to talk about this?  Share your ideas and thoughts at the M.O.M. Balance Forum.