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Going through life
Gender: female Member Since: March 28, 2008 Last Signed In: July 16, 2008 Blog Views: 236 Send To A Friend Sign Guestbook Add as a Friend
Emotions
Strumming the Chords of my heart Silent Words Lupus Ever Wonder Why? To my Father Life Holding On Expression Faith March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 August 09 September 09 October 09 November 09 December 09 January 10 February 10 March 10 
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Wondering through the mere silence of a heart beat what I’ve done to be so blessed. My mind races from sorrow to unbelief for that which lies in front of me.
While I feel the desire to run to the highest point of human kind and scream; I’ve found it! The weight of the past holds firm in attempt to tear the joy from my soul. The very essence of what life has to offer has finally arrived.
I’ve greeted it with fear and uncertainty but yet curious enough to grasp on to the thought of once more; could it be. Unable to feel the pleasurable joy from beyond the grieving words being spoken from behind.
I sit and ponder, why at a moment such as this I’m unable to fully enjoy all that it offers. Why is it that such devastation is raising from beyond trying to grasp the attention over into its dark direction? In the silence the light is seen but yet the darkness continues to creep forward.
I know my father has set this miracle before me and he awaits to see the strength of my desire for his blessed will. My soul tries to sing but is hushed by the roaming words that are being presented by many. Confused by the enemies control they know no difference.
With the power of my father within my very essence, the gift brought from a far is held so close even I can’t tell where it begins and where it ends. Time hasn’t even yet unfolded but the sharing of feelings is mutual and of depths not understood.
The analogy of a flower steals every breath waiting to be taken. The desire to touch the amazement that keeps me in awe: twists from inside; bringing a state of anxiety unimaginable. Many know that patience is a continued trial that if passed reaps great rewards.
Kneeling here with thoughts playing over and over I shift my focus to my father and speak my desire to touch. Softly spoken in return; the gift is of much more then simplicity such as a touch.
Here I sit, alone in silence with nothing but time as my closest companion. I progress slowly and intensely through each word spoken by those whom love me.
In amazement I glide to a resting position with the feeling of only my head above water. Then my mind connects with my heart and I realize, when I reflect back on words spoken from the ones I hold dear, it feels as though a hand has reached inside of me, grasping at the very essence of who I am. The sensation that over comes me is that of my heart being massaged with the intensity to calm, nurture and heal that, which has been broken. The deeper I succumb to translation; the deeper the intensity grows in the strumming of the chords. Although the strumming vibrates my soul, the gentleness of the massaging stays the same; caressing ever so sensitively onto the very organ within it's clutch. The strumming is one that we all seek and yet many of us fail to feel. Step aside from life’s journey for but a moment. In the midst of silence, ponder words spoken by your child or one that is loved dearly. Inhale with a mighty attempt to soak in time: listen and enjoy the strumming of the chords in your heart. The sound, only to be associated with the passionate beating of a tribal drum, or one that is heard from desperation to enter into a closed door: boom… boom. Release the breath taken while joy is presented as a gift, which are father has given us. The strumming of the chords in your heart will be the deepest sound you have ever felt in your life. The mind proceeds forward as the mouth turns to silence. What so desperately needed to be said was lost in translation only to those whose hearts are being guarded. Unfortunately the road traveled is not one that is of loneliness, when we reflect on times of need to speak but yet unable to express. Times when a situation approaches and you’ve spoken out all that is running through your mind. Words that have been blessed with validity to such and incident that matters enough to embrace with care. Why is it that the words that should have been heard louder then anything spoken are the ones that carry the most value and are yet the least seen? Why is it that only a person of uniqueness can hear the unspoken words, when the times of experience are so often? Only love can sympathize with anger and only love supercedes all internal emotions, which are yet placed into sound. Through each day, I’ve come to learn not everyone can hear the silent cries. Although we long so deeply to be heard, we never truly will until we meet love face to face. We will meet many people in our lives and we will fall in love with few. What we need to learn is how special the ones are whom can hear those silent words. Through life, we will speak the most important words silently, which is why once we can find the one that can hear us, we grab on, hold on and never let go. Stop for a moment and reflect on how many people you’ve had in your life up to this point that can hear you when you’re speaking silently. Those usually are found in family, best friends or unique loved one’s. As time rotates, stand in silence to evaluate if we’ve already been so close that each breath was shared unknowingly? Hold dearly the blessing placed within your reach; the value of being heard when words aren’t being spoken is a longing that many seek and few ever find. The pain in my head, so strong and sharp The feeling of fluttering within my heart My body aches from head to toe Sometimes my fingertips are as white as snow My vision is cloudy and my mind astray It’s been six weeks now; it’s soon to go away Living with this brings on such despair But it keeps me a float to know my Father is there… Forever my Father will live in my heart Never away from God will I depart My heart encounters silence throughout the day To be of the world, is from God we stray I’ve learned I have something that will challenge my health No one will ever know what it is because it comes with such stealth Mercy and Grace; each day I pray that soon my Father will lift this and forever it will go away. Lupus… many have it and few know of it. If you’ve been diagnosed this is for you! God is able to heal each and everyone of us, I await my turn as I seek his face. Ever wonder why silence presents loneliness? Ever wonder why so few people seek holiness? Ever wonder why a touch from a stranger can bring fourth a smile? Ever wonder why the hardest race to win is only a mere mile? Ever wonder why the words I love you tend to make us cry? Ever wonder why it hurts so bad when someone tells you a lie? Ever wonder why we long to be loved? Ever wonder why the bird or peace is a dove? Ever wonder why we can so easily sit and place blame? Ever wonder why letting someone down brings fourth so much shame? Ever wonder why the loss of a loved one hurts so deep? Ever wonder why forgiveness seems like such a leap? Ever wonder why life seems so hard to live? Ever wonder why money seems so hard to give? Ever wonder why so many of us carry hurt? Ever wonder why marriage came with a cert? Ever wonder why it seems so hard raising children? Ever wonder why the birthing of a child was given to women? Ever wonder why tears fall from your eyes? Ever wonder why stars come out only in midnight skies? Ever wonder why life is filled with such sorrow? Ever wonder why the next day is referred to as tomorrow? Ever wonder why the loudest words spoken are the one’s you don’t ever speak. Ever wonder why when you think of God you feel so meek? Ever wonder why without God you feel so weak? Ever wonder why there seems much more to life then what we simply seek? We can sit and wonder each and everyday what is it that we are missing, what is it that we are longing for, what is it that just doesn’t seem complete; or we can turn to God and seek his love and will in our lives. I’ve been one of those people who sat and wondered why? Today, I’m one of a difference, I now seek God and I seek after his will to be done in my life. Yeah, there are times when I struggle and I find myself wondering; and then I realized that emptiness is coming back and I regain my footing and refocus on God. Then and only then do I feel a sense of wholeness and everything seems to make sense, even without a full explanation? Life isn’t meant to figure out. It’s meant to live, learn, lead and love. We live to seek God our father. We learn that living without him is the most difficult. We lead those who are seeking to find him. We love those whom he has placed before us. Life could be understood, only with God in your heart and as your main focus from morning to night. If you feel a sense of emptiness, it could be that God is no longer in your sight. Who am I? I’m usually ran to for protection My warming comfort; is your first recollection I teach you what it means to be strong I’m the first one to approach you with the consequences of your wrong I show you the true meaning of endurance I’m usually looked to for assurance I’m spoken of as the rock on which we stand I never hesitate to give a demand I handle times of despair with the slightest hesitation I’m quick to pull the finances together with the slightest manipulation I put myself on the front line of danger Even if what you have done has brought upon me feelings mirroring anger I’m your Father: A man whose soul cries out to be loved, but doesn’t know how to initiate it A man who longs for a hug, but doesn’t know how to initiate it A man who yearns for company, but doesn’t know how to initiate it A man who wishes to be held, but doesn’t know how to initiate it A man who desires to hear I love you, but doesn’t know how to initiate it. My Father was a man who could withstand anything and everything but did not know how to initiate the simple return of love. I learned from my Father, that love has many facets and each facet will be shown throughout the journey of life. The strongest facet of love my Father shown was through strength. My Father was raised in a home where a boy was structured into a man; a man who could withstand anything and everything and would never break. My Father lived up to his Father’s expectations for almost his entire life. I say almost his entire life, because in his final moments here on earth, his soul cried out for love, his arms reached for a hug, his every moment was filled with company, his body was embraced by his family, and he heard the simple words of I love you more then I ever have in my thirty seven years of life. See, in my Fathers final moments every single soul that came within inches from him felt love so much so that tears of joy streamed their faces and his strength kept them standing. In his final moments he showed the true identity of a man. My Father is now home with our Father God. You know… it’s ironic to think, that my Father went through his whole life longing to hear I love you spoken by the members of his family and in his final moments the last words spoken were I love you! I know that to be true, because I held my Father in my arms as he reached for God’s hand to go home. And when his eyes released the tears of good-bye, I knew it was my final moment to speak what he always longed to hear; I love you! Life, one of the most amazing blessing we will ever receive, yet the one blessing that we often appear to display as irrelevant. Why is that each day seems to be a struggle when all one is assigned to do is live? Why is it that we always give pain as a response to receiving pain? One only knows what lies within their soul and can only assume what others are feeling. We take chances and we only feel worthy if the outcome represents that of, which we envisioned. We move into idle mode and we sit in somber wondering why life has to be so unfortunate. It’s not until the experience of simple devastation that we finally stand and welcome life with open arms and exhort gratitude. What if we welcomed each new day with a fresh heart and kind words? As we lay in rest, the words of “Lord I forgive and as you have forgiven” erase all that, which has become burdensome? It’s odd that my heart is grieving but yet, I feel peace standing by my side. I’m here with my shoulders broad for those who need a rest. And I’m able to hold them up with the mere whisper of a few words that come from within thy heart, which has been refreshed from lifting out to forgiveness. Who am I to not forgive when I am nowhere near perfect? Who am I to seek the application of labels, when I know nothing of what they are receiving? We loose one’s we hold dear in our souls; we speak to it as a loss to those who lend an ear and we receive words of despair from others near. In time we come to realize the loss we deemed was never a loss; it was a victorious sorrow. The loss of physical becomes a gain of spiritual, which brings fourth hovering protection through darkness and light. Life wouldn’t be worth living if it weren’t for the valley’s that are so dark, distant and cold. Life is truly only a glance at our strength. We only witness the glory through these valleys and are able to hold up others of weakness. Life is only given once and deserves nothing short of forgiveness. If life is worth anything, it’s worth a chance. Live embracing each day with desire to stand with strength that no wind strong enough could send you in a downward spiral. If we sat in silence for one moment and considered this one-day our last, the thoughts we experience are in reference to love. Here now is the time, reflection of what it is that you will do with the amazing blessing you have been worthy of receipt. In this moment, I grasp onto all that is of love and I cry out to my father that those within my reach receive desires of similarity. Quiet your mind and witness your hearts call. Life… worthy of living even through storms, trials and saddened times of denials. Life is a blessing; we can only pray that much is realized before the final call home. Have you ever found yourself holding on to something so tight and carrying it so dear to your heart; sharing with everyone the awesome thing that you have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. Thinking about it all day every day and imaging it getting bigger and better and becoming something so great others won’t ever be able to grasp or believe.
With this, you wonder how you of all people could have ever been fortunate enough to find such an amazing thing. Your days are greeted with praise and thanks for being so blessed with the opportunity to hold something, which seemed to make your life so complete it takes your breath away.
In a moments time, you find yourself imaging life without it and the pain that started to cometh forward was so deep that you took that thought and placed it as far away as the East is from the West. Your prayers start to include a plea to God that his will does not include this path of pain.
One day comes, and you find your self thinking about how you’re in such awe over this thing that you’ve been holding so dear and so tight and so close to your heart; that you find a quiet place all alone to sit and look at it once again just to reassure yourself it’s still there and it’s just as amazing as it was the first day you grabbed on and prayed that you never had to let go. You open your hand to find that it’s no longer there. The one possibility that you never wanted to acknowledge at that point became reality.
You find yourself scrambling through each day trying to identify where you went wrong; how on earth could you have possibly let go; how could you have gone through each day believing that what you thought you had was never there? Then it finally makes sense; the only things you can truly hold onto are the things that want to be held.
Things that want to be held:
Our father God; wants to be held in our hearts
Our children; want to be held in our arms
Our loved ones; want to be held dear
Our dreams; well those are the things we want so dearly to hold onto, that tend to slip away before we know it. Dreams are the things that make us question; was I really ever holding on.
Who would have known that one single venture would have veered life in a direction that seemed impossible. A life that is beyond what one could imagine: yet so simply expressed with the fewest words. Finding myself crying over the fear of joy isn’t a common phrase expressed by many. The arrival, so slowly and quietly, with the ability to fade in a flash: one that will never truly be forgotten and yet has never to be seen. The breath of life thrusts into my soul with one word spoken from so far away. Changes in emotions rapidly arise, presenting value only love can see. In times of immense frustration, anger soars like the darkness of night; but in one movement of the second hand, the brightness shines once more and caresses the very essence of my being. When life is understood, nothing seems invincible yet everything seems irrelevant. The souls anticipation to express its deepest desires, goes on being suppressed until the time arrives. Will timing ever present itself as being perfect enough to say: My love perpetual as it may be, an enormous loss if never seen? I long to share the feelings that leave me breathless in moments of silence. My mind refuses to release the words that hinge on the wetness of my lips. Endlessly, leaving my heart to ache once more with the deepest desire to say: My love perpetual as it may be, an enormous loss if never seen. Emotions running without ever being released become burdensome for many. Why is it that we deny such impulsion over what seems to be a simple risk of no return? We assume to merely forecast the pain that will erupt from feelings, never expressed? Whether timing is perfect or not; my words will not go unspoken: My love perpetual as it may be, an enormous loss if never seen!!
The days seem as though they all stand still. The ticking of the clock is the only sound that comes through the daze that I’m constantly in. I cry out to the Lord asking why. The suspense of his reply seems as if it’s the only string that is keeping me upright. How did I get to the point that I have feared for so long, how will I ever be able to take a step forward. Will my life be of walking in a state of falsehood, where no one man will know the pain that is dwelling deep inside my heart. I look to the Lord to grab my hand and demand that I stand once again. I look to the Lord to hold me at night so I don’t cry myself to sleep in front of my babies. Will there ever be an end to the pain that runs so silently and so deep? Will I ever become whole enough to complete the circle of life with the one who is awaiting my arrival? Only my father knows what is ahead and only I know when he is speaking my direction. My heart was full and rained out to plenty, but in days of battered it hardened without notice. I kneel before the Lord and plead that he will peel away the shell that is blocking my heart from pouring out love, trust and joy to those who mean so much to my soul. Father, please hear the cries of my heart and remove the objects which block my soul from following your lead. I long for your will to unfold in my life. While I lie in wait for your divine direction; I wipe away the tears of anticipation. In times of pain, thoughts of my father bring fourth a smile; that alone is faith.
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