SacMomsClub.com

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

Random Musings

Sometimes there are many ideas fighting for attention in my mind, covering all the subjects I tend to write a column about, but each isn’t worthy of its own full-length coverage. Consequently, I collect them.  So, in no particular order, here are my current random musings.

* A great feel-good dad moment occurred when I complimented Will on how terrific and cute his new girlfriend was.  Without missing a beat, he replied, “You taught me well, Dad.”  Guess he’ll get to use my truck, after all.

* Do you wonder how your kids can watch the same video over and over again? . I’ve never gone to see a movie twice in the theater, on purpose, with the exception of my second favorite all-time film, “And Now My Love,” directed by Claude LeLouch. That meant, of course, going to the one theater in town that was showing this particular foreign film, paying admission twice, and seeing it a second time. 

The option of watching this movie on television was not available for such a relatively obscure film and there were no VHS cassettes yet, let alone DVDs. Unlike my kids, I’ve rarely watched the same DVD repeatedly with the exception of “My Fair Lady,” and “Singin’ In the Rain” (my all-time favorite).  I think the phenomenon of seeing movies repeatedly began with “Star Wars.”  Maybe some more knowledgeable film buff than I can confirm this?

* We had the funniest episode the other morning when we discovered a tiny field mouse in the house.  As David was screaming while standing on the kitchen table, my wife and I did our best hockey imitation, with brooms, with my assist sending the mouse to her broom for a perfect “sweep” outside the opened patio door.  Score!

*  Why is it so easy to gain weight and so hard to lose it?  It is the same with working out.  You lose muscle tone within days of laying off and getting it back can take weeks.  I guess I’m complaining because I’ve been blessed my whole life with a fast metabolism that allowed me to pretty much eat whatever I wanted and, on those rare occasions when I did gain weight, I could work out a bit harder, cut back slightly on those sweets, and lose those few pounds in less than a week.  Sadly, that’s not the case any more.  Maybe this is payback time?

A late-in-the-season ski accident hobbled me for a couple of months during which time I did the sensible thing and ate myself silly.  Fifteen pounds later, my wife pointed out my “pregnancy,” as it was all stored in my belly.  Now, several months further along in the term, to use this analogy to death, it’s still there and may even be growing.  This time, the extra working out isn’t helping.  I do know that I haven’t cut back on the eating enough yet, so I guess I will have to take more radical steps to lose this bowling ball I’m carrying around, as my wife so lovingly calls it.  It’s not fair, said in my most whining voice.  My mantra to our sons is “life isn’t fair”—so why am I complaining?

* Both of my parents are now gone. Being the last and oldest remaining adult in my immediate family is a very melancholy and often scary feeling.  It’s a sense of mortality, obviously, but also responsibility.  Now, who will remember family history and family genealogy?  I have two cousins that are still alive, one who is turning 80 and the other who is just 60.  The latter is such a distant cousin we can’t actually figure out exactly how we’re related. The former cousin, at 80, has been the family historian and my “memory bank.”  I am grateful I have his memory to boost my failing one.

One special memory I actually still remember, all on my own, and a really “old days” recollection is when I bought tickets to see “The Sound of Music” for my mother, as a Mother’s Day present.  It was playing at a local theater in which you could only buy assigned seats, far in advance.  I picked out the seats I wanted, and bought them for my mom.  Movies, then, had both overtures and intermissions, just like “live” theatre. My mother was thrilled, we loved the movie, of course, and I felt like such a good boy.  While I miss my parents terribly, I’m grateful to have had them for so long, since they lived to be 89 and 90.

* These musings began with a story about Will.  I’d better give David equal time now at the end. On the way to school one recent morning, David asked me a question about what made Marvel comics so different and successful.  I explained, in the cultural view of the times, how Marvel paralleled the sixties and the revolutions taking place among the younger generation at that pivotal period in our country’s history.  And, that the Marvel characters reflected the vulnerability and fallibility that young people felt at the time.

Marvel characters were completely unlike the out-of-this world Superman fantasy of a baby falling to earth in a spaceship, who has super-human powers.  Superman, like most all of the DC super-heroes was just too perfect and too un-real for these rebellious teenagers and college kids to identify with.  I really got into giving his question a thorough answer and he seemed fully engaged as he asked questions throughout my little lecture.  When we arrived at his drop-off destination, as I was saying goodbye, he said “Dad, that was a great conversation.”  I sure cherish such moments.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

My Son Has the Swine Flu – A Daily Journal

We just went through the swine flu with our older son, Will. We didn’t panic or allow the hysteria of the msm (mainstream media) to scare us.  His first reaction was simply, “Darn, I’m going to miss Halloween.” I believe our media have become hysteria mongers, as well as all too often focusing on their agenda vs. objective reporting.  They devote way too much time to subjects unworthy of so much coverage, such as the balloon boy or the tragic deaths of celebrities.

With the swine flu, we’ve been deluged with scare reports from the media, ignoring the fact that each year tens of thousands of Americans die of the regular flu.  As with AIDS, the panic is over-wrought and generalized to scare everyone when the reality is there are more at-risk groups for just about every such illness.

I kept a daily journal of our experience, which follows.  I hope it’s helpful to all parents and people in giving a more realistic view of this strain of flu. I still caution everyone to be careful, see their doctors, and otherwise be smart about washing hands, but hope you will have a better perspective of this than the media has foolishly scared us to think.

Day One –Will is sent home from school as the nurse called to say he had a mild fever.  We put him to bed, took his temp, and called our pediatrician.  He had a 101 fever, a slight cough, but otherwise seemed fine. The pediatrician’s office said to give him Motrin, fluids, and see if he still had a temperature tomorrow and, if so, to bring him in.  Later that evening, his temp was just 100 and he was feeling pretty good.

Day Two – Will woke up feeling fine and actually wanted to go to school.  We thought better and kept him home and in bed.  Later, when his temp was still over 100, we took him to the doctor.  20 minutes after they took a swab, we got the diagnosis – he had the swine flu.  They prescribed a Z-pac (5-day dose of antibiotics) and TamiFlu.  By now, he was complaining of some aches and pains and a general soreness throughout his body.  He also was complaining about missing Halloween.  My wife told him that we were going to have to cancel the party she’d been planning for weeks because of his infection and he actually quieted down and realized he wasn’t the only one affected.  A pretty amazing realization for a teenager!

Day Three – He’s sleeping in late, so we haven’t taken his temp yet.  Was playing his guitar when I went in to check and it was normal.  When I asked him how he was feeling, he replied with total teen contempt, “I feel fine,” which really meant, “I’m fine, why do I have to stay in my room, why can’t I go out and enjoy Halloween.”

Day Four – This morning Will apologized for being moody and grumpy.  He doesn’t understand why he has to still stay home when he’s now feeling fine, just four days after getting sick and three days into his 5-day course of meds.  I told him, per his doctor, that after the five days of meds, if he goes another 24 hours with a normal temp, then he can return to school.  The funny part is he’s so bored; he actually wants to go to school.  His temp is still normal.

Resignation has set in.  He knows he’s not going to talk his way out of his room and back to school.  It’s sort of like the stages of grieving, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  My son was in denial, then anger, and now is in “acceptance.” 

Day Five – Last night, Will got a surprise visit from his girlfriend, her step-dad, and another friend.  They talked to him from outside his room, through the window, for a few minutes.  It was both a boost and a reminder of his “in prison” status. 

One amazing thing has happened with his forced lock-down time.  He’s actually reflected on plans for the future.  A teenager reflecting on anything? As he’s always loved music, demonstrated real talent, as well as developing a lot of knowledge, he’s decided he wants to go to a music school and learn production.  While he still wants to be a “rock star,” this sort of mature alternative planning is quite the anomaly for him.

Today, his temperature is still normal.  His energy is high.  If this is the worse the swine flu throws us, I’ll consider this family extremely lucky.  This afternoon, he even went out to the garage and played drums for a while.

Tomorrow is his last day of meds.  If he’s got a normal temp for another 24 hours, it’s back to school for him and this episode will have been easier than a lingering cough or cold.  Amazing.  And, as yet, no one else in the house has got it, though one of our dogs came up lame for a while (she’s veeerrrrryyyyy old).

A friend of his just got diagnosed with swine flu and they thought they could hang out together as they’re both already infected. Are they nuts?  Nope, just teenagers.

Day Six – The drama awaits us of whether he’ll have a temp today? He finished his course of meds and today will determine if he can finally leave his confinement.  He was all ready for school when I came in to take his temperature.  I sat with him, patiently waiting for the results.  Normal.  Off to school.

So, what did we learn from our bout with the swine flu?  Simply, don’t listen to our Vice President, don’t listen to our media, and DON’T worry about it if you’re the average person.  Yes, if you’re in one of the risk categories, be extra careful.  Also, and we did this constantly and no one else has so far contracted it, have hand sanitizer everywhere in the house.  You can’t overdo it. 

Finally, and I’m dead serious, if you have a child that is stuck home with the swine flu and ends up like my son, with negligible symptoms, your biggest problem will be his boredom.  Help him or her out with books, CDs, DVDs, etc.  If they don’t have a computer or TV in their room, move one in just for the duration.

And, most of all, don’t panic. 

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

Can Families Avoid Playing Favorites?

Sitting in Starbuck’s the other day, waiting for my car to be serviced, I sat next to a mom who shared a “dirty little parenting secret.” Her kids, and she and her husband, have “favorites.”  She gets along better with their younger child while her husband gets along better with the older child.  I believe that this is natural, ubiquitous, and something most parents are ashamed to admit.

The only thing to be ashamed about is if one’s actions show overt favoritism. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, though I know some religions believe that what is in one’s heart is what matters most.  I strongly disagree with that philosophy and believe that what is in our hearts or minds only matters if we act on it.  We all have occasional thoughts of doing something that we shouldn’t.  When we hold those in check, we’re being responsible.

Parents would not be human if they didn’t relate to the child that more mirrored themselves, their personality, their likes and dislikes, etc.  Similarly, parent may like one or another child at different times in their lives, due to behavior, interests, temperament, etc. And, let’s face it; we all know genetics don’t mean clones, as each child can be so different in looks and personality.

My boys are so different in just about every characteristic.  My older son mirrored me, almost to a “T” while my younger one was more like his mother.  However, for me, while I recognized and occasionally felt frustrated by this difference, I kept it inside and scrupulously avoided favoring one over the other.

Sadly, their mother (now my ex) copied her own family’s poor behavior and favored our youngest son.  This became exacerbated during our separation and divorce, creating different but equally troubling problems for the boys and their feelings of security, safety, and parental love.  My oldest responded with anger, while my younger son chose the “pleaser” route, never wanting to rock the boat.

I actually found myself working extra hard to overcompensate for her behavior.  I questioned every punishment, every granted privilege, and many other parenting choices with the analysis of a judge, weighing the pros and cons to excess.  In fact, I know there were times that I may have actually gone overboard in this regard, by punishing one too severely and letting the other off too easy. 

Yet, my younger son, having grown up witnessing this horrible prejudice from his mother, was overly sensitive to anytime he felt I might have favored his brother, thinking the reverse would happen with him.  Yet he knows, as the more cooperative child, the one who always does better in school, that his brother receives far more consequences than he does.

The Starbucks mom and I discussed this and agreed that our best efforts at compensating and not playing favorites might not be how the children experience it. This is like the foolish sexual harassment laws in which the perception of the “harassed” is the sole determinant of guilt. The same may be true with our children and their perception of our behavior and possible favoritism. 

In this case, I have to side with the child’s perception and argue for extra vigilance on the part of parents.  If David feels I’m favoring his older brother, I must look hard and deep at my actions rather than just be defensive. Unlike the aforementioned sexual harassment laws, I do believe that the child’s perception should be considered more seriously than a parent’s intentions.

This also applies to our interactions with our spouses.  When my wife says, “You hurt my feelings,” the female mantra and my wife’s mantra, I often reflexively say, “No, I didn’t.”  And, naturally, she immediately charges that I can’t possibly know her feelings.  Of course, she’s correct, no matter how hard I try to defend my actions.  This is exactly the same with our children on favoritism matters.  My younger son is probably extra attuned to it, on the lookout for it, and may often be projecting an inaccuracy. 

It doesn’t matter.  I have to work that much harder to assure him that he stands in equal status with his brother.  I know he does in my heart, but that isn’t always enough.  As stated earlier, it’s our actions that matter most.

Obviously, the same may apply in the other direction.  A child will naturally often prefer one parent over another due to treatment related to discipline, fun, amount of time together, etc.  That is why there is the stereotype of the weekend parent being the “good guy” who only takes the children on fun play dates, buys them things, and is otherwise a “yes” parent. 

This is a sad situation when it occurs, but I believe it’s incumbent on the primary parent to hold the line and retain standards of behavior and rules.  Remember that most children know the difference, ultimately, between the “fun” parent and the “real” parent who puts in all the time, rain or shine, sick or healthy, good times and bad.  After all, that is what parenting is all about.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

Stuck Between My Wife and the Kids

In every marriage, spouses face an inevitable choice between their children and their spouse. It is a classic dilemma that confronts every couple and one that is inescapable and difficult. It is especially true in second marriages, like mine.  I have to admit, it is an ongoing issue in our home and one I’m trying to figure out with the right amount of love and respect shown towards everyone.

Some therapists advise that the husband/wife should always come first. Others, like Dr. Laura, advise to always put the kids first.  As with much of her advice, I think it’s too cut-and-dried and doesn’t take into consideration the grays of life.  In my case, I was raising my boys alone for several years and the bond we had was deep, plus the hurt from their mom abandoning them was deep and different for each of them.

When I was lucky enough to meet my wife I was initially concerned about whether she would like my children.  For that matter, given that she had no children of her own, how would they relate and/or like her? She wasn’t willing to even meet them until we were relatively convinced our relationship was heading somewhere.  When they did meet, several months later, it was more or less a love-fest between her and David, while Will had just entered his teens and wasn’t really interested in anything but himself, though thankfully he wasn’t outright hostile to her.

Now the initial reactions and impressions have settled down to normal living and life.  And, we got married this past December.  The adjustments for everyone have been significant.  However, the issue concerning who comes first doesn’t go away and rears its head with certain situations and often confounds me.  At these times, I do truly feel stuck between the three people I love most in the world, my two boys and my wife.

A specific example occurred when my wife had a medical emergency, required surgery, and was briefly convalescing at home.  Shortly thereafter, Will had a special event to attend, planned far in advance, to which I was the designated driver.  Thankfully, David was at home that evening and Lauren was healing well enough that she didn’t require extra attention, or so I thought.  I cleared my going to this event with her and she said it was fine.

Ahhh, but again, what a woman says and what she really means requires special translation.  She really meant, “Don’t you dare leave me alone.”  Dense male that I am, I actually took her at her word.  Now, I’m really kidding about this, but the undercurrent is completely true with what she says, what I think it means, and what she really means.  It’s a secret language that men are not privileged to learn and necessitates supreme command of linguistics and several higher degrees to achieve.

This brewing storm reached a peak a day or so later, after the event that I took Will to and when it seemed that Lauren was recovering just fine.  After all, she was back to her usual cleaning and cooking, though I offered to take her out if she wasn’t up to cooking. Naïve caveman that I am, I took that behavior as a sign that all was well.  However, she expected me to just do it and take her out or bring in food.  This fits in that special language I don’t understand.  She is right, as that is each spouse’s ultimate obligation.  Learn each other’s language vs. remain stubborn and defensively say you didn’t understand what they really meant. 

Around this time, I had one of those wish-I-could-take-back-every-word-fights with Will and now my attention was devoted to figuring out what to do about him.  I arranged a pow-wow and we worked things out and, in fact, we actually heard each other, because this was a case where we both were at fault.  I really believe it’s extremely important for a parent to admit his or her culpability whenever it’s true as it teaches our children humility.  He had a school event that night, but Lauren didn’t want to attend.  She was making dinner for us, but I told her I wasn’t sure when the event would end.  I said I’d call when I knew, and to assume that we’d be late. 

It was later, she was mad, and I found myself completely frustrated at not being able to please her while desperately relieved that Will and I quickly got over our argument and I could support him, by attending his school event.  All this happened the same week--her surgery, the tiff with my son, and on top of that some disappointing business news for me.  That was a non-topic as everyone else’s issues took center stage and it seemed I couldn’t please anyone.

I know this is probably about as typical a situation as a family can experience, but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.  I also know that a blended family brings extra stresses to all members of the family.  We just lived it and we quickly got past it. My lesson is that I needed to hear her better, which means understanding her language—what her words really mean.  I’ve still got some growth ahead of me, I suppose.  No, I don’t suppose, I know.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

E-mail, Etiquette, and Friends

E-mail is so ubiquitous that we forget that it isn’t talking on the phone or having a conversation in person.  Subtlety, facial expressions, or tonality are all lost in an e-mail message.  I have found this has gotten me in trouble when I think I’m being funny, subtle, or sarcastic in an e-mail.  And, the habit many of us have of forwarding a joke, photo, or an article creates even greater problems in many cases.

I think e-mail should probably be treated as Eliza Doolittle was advised in “My Fair Lady” about making conversation.  “Stick to the weather and health” was Professor Higgins’s caution.  Even that proved problematic as Eliza went into too much embarrassing detail about her own family’s health, before she completely blew it with her expletive encouraging one of the racehorses to “move your bloomin’ ****!”

I read recently that e-mail, like so many new technological innovations, may be receding in popularity among the younger generation in favor of instant messaging (on cell-phones and computers) or “tweeting” via Twitter, which is limited to something like 140 characters of text.  Acronyms are the norm and the list of these short cuts, like “ttyl” (talk to you later) or “btw” (by the way), just keep growing and growing.

Correspondence, like in the days of pen and ink, has gone the way of the horse and buggy.  But, e-mail is its own special creature and I’ve found it rampant with potential misunderstandings and strains on relationships.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stung by an e-mail reply to something I’ve sent out that I felt that person might really enjoy--or maybe, God forbid, learn something from.  “My bad” to quote my son as I’m learning that almost no one but those closest to you want such e-mail.

For me, it’s learning whole new behavior, rules, and etiquette.  And, there are actually some new rulebooks, though for me it’s been mostly learning by trial and error.  An early book on this subject is “Send: The Essential Guide to Email for Office and Home” by David Shipley and Will Schwalbe. Amazon.com’s review said: “Funny, engaging, and oh-so-practical, “Send” is the ultimate etiquette handbook for email, making David Shipley and Will Schwalbe the "Miss Manners" resource for the digital age. Full of practical insights, “Send” is an invaluable resource for anyone who uses e-mail, and is guaranteed to help you "think before you click." I’m just not sure I want to consult it for every decision regarding e-mail.

My wife is very typical for a woman as she prefers to talk vs. correspond via e-mail with me, her husband.  When we’re apart, I think it’s easier to just put a sentence or two in an e-mail, especially if it’s just a simple question.  This is a case where I must take into consideration her feelings and pick up the phone and call. 

My boys, on the other hand, totally ignore my e-mail but respond instantly to a text message.  My younger son is truly glued to his cell-phone as he’s messaging his friends constantly.  It’s amazing.  I never see him on the phone unless it’s a fellow classmate calling about a homework issue or problem.  He also doesn’t make as many play dates as when he was in elementary school, though he clearly has many friends.  Is this emblematic of the times?

As for me, my biggest disappointment has been the reactions some friends to e-mail that I’ve sent with an article that I felt was important.  I don’t send anything of a political nature anymore to those friends who think the “other way,” but even many of my like-minded friends have asked me to stop sending them any e-mail of a non-personal nature.  If it’s to check on how they’re doing, make plans to get together, wish someone a happy birthday, or the like, it is fine.  Just don’t send them that healthcare column by a noted writer or something dealing with the Middle East. 

I am a passionate man in everything I do, so when my friends react this way, it hurts and disappoints.  As I’ve often declared, most everyone knows where the delete button is and, if there’s respect for the person sending such an e-mail, how difficult is it to peruse a few sentences to see if it’s of interest.  Then, if it doesn’t grab you, just hit “delete.”  I have fought this for too long and am throwing in the towel.  Now, I just send out those sorts of e-mail to the much-reduced list of friends and family that welcome them and often send me the same in return.

Our children are growing up with this and other technology and it will all be a part of their lives hereafter.  They don’t have memories of 8-track tapes, reel-to-reel recording tape, LPs, or transistor radios.  To them, early cell-phones were big and clunky.  So, I will bet they will develop an instinctual knowledge of e-mail and other new-tech etiquette.  As it evolves, they’ll evolve with it.  But, for my generation, and me it’s a struggle in the same way my parents could never learn to program their video tape recorder or store a phone number in a cell-phone. 

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

In Sickness and in Health

My wife had a medical emergency early one recent morning.  The details are unimportant, but the care and response that we received were very important.  At five a.m., she called her doctor and got him on the phone.  He said we should call 911, which we did.  Within a few minutes both a paramedic vehicle and a fire truck arrived at our door. Moments later, she was getting attended to by three men in uniforms while I sat nearby feeling useless.

It was quickly determined by their efforts and in conference with the doctor that she was well enough for me to drive her to the hospital.  So, less than 30 minutes after this began we were on the road.  As it was so early, the drive was traffic-free and we entered the Emergency Room as the sun was rising.  Thankfully, it was a quiet morning there so we were quickly ushered into “Triage” and then given a bed.  In no time, a nurse had begun an IV and shortly afterward, the doctor on call did an exam.  He had already spoken with my wife’s primary doctor.

A couple of hours later, she was in a regular bed in the hospital.  And, shortly thereafter, she was wheeled to the pre-op area and had a minor surgery at mid-afternoon, of this same day.  In post-op, she was quite out of it, thanks to the anesthesia kicking in.  Our discussion centered on her desire to extort jewelry out of me since she felt entitled due to this event.  The nurses were being thoroughly unhelpful as they discussed the size of the diamond she should receive as compensation.  I was able to dodge this, thanks to the anesthesia, as she later forgot all about that misguided idea.  About 14 hours after the whole episode began, we were back home, and she was in her own bed, and eating some hastily made pasta made by my our emerging super-chef, my younger son.

Somehow, I have a hard time believing this would’ve happened as quickly, as perfectly, as attentively, and with as much kindness and care if we end up with national health-care, managed by the government.  To be fair, let’s consider opposing viewpoints.

My wife’s parents live in Canada and her mother recently had surgery for a brain tumor.  When this was discovered, a MRI was ordered.  So they waited.  And waited.  Over two months later, they finally got the MRI only due to the fact that her surgeon intervened, as he wanted to do her surgery prior to his month-long August vacation.  Thankfully, the surgery and post-op have been wonderfully successful and her parents were not only grateful, but especially proud of the fact that it cost them in the hundreds of dollars vs. the hundreds of thousands of dollars it might have cost elsewhere.

Further, my wife’s family has an uncle who claims that he would have been broke and/or dead without the benefit of Canada’s health-care system, since he’s been the unlucky victim of numerous serious illnesses and surgeries.

My own parents, who died at ages 89 and 90, had about a dozen major surgeries between them.  Ironically, most were at the same hospital where my wife had her recent surgery.  My dad was a self-insured blue-collar worker, while my mom managed the family finances and was the quintessential fifties housewife.  I can’t imagine how they would have financially survived their various health traumas without the benefit of Medicare. 

I don’t know which system is best and I don’t want to advocate any system.  I just want to thank God for the care my wife just received.  I realize, yet again, that the only wealth is our health.  I look at my boys in times like these and reflect how lucky I am to have a teen with “attitude,” unlike a good friend of mine whose son has Cystic Fibrosis.  Or my pre-teen who likes to question everything I ask of him, when another good friend of mine has two pre-teens with such problematic learning disabilities that he wonders how or if they’ll ever be able to take care of themselves.

I am reminded that “sweating the little things” is really foolish, that appreciating all we so often take for granted is the key to happiness, and that my wife’s pies are truly a gift from heaven to cite just one of the many little miracles she provides our family.  I also am grateful that my boys were caring enough that they both called to check on their step-mom rather than think of whatever inconveniences this episode might cause them. 

And, finally, I’m grateful to the doctors, paramedics and firemen, and other medical staff members who dropped whatever they were doing, on a moment’s notice, and took special care of my wife.  When we made our vows, little did we know that we’d be tested on the “in sickness and in health” area as quickly and as often as we have been.  I believe that it’s the stressful times that test a relationship the most.  I hope that I passed the test this time.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

Who Said Marriage Should Be Work?

I recently learned some statistics that surprised me, but upon reflection they really made sense.  What do you think the rate of divorce is between first, second, and third marriages?  Think about it.  I didn’t and came to the wrong conclusion.

It’s pretty much agreed by most experts that first marriages end in divorce about 40-50% of the time.  What surprised me is that the divorce rate increases with second marriages to something like 60% and more, while third marriages end in divorce at least 70% of the time.

My first gut reaction was that we would have learned from prior mistakes, we’d be wiser with the experience of living through a marriage and divorce, and maybe, just maybe, we may have learned something about our contributions to the break-up.  And, therefore, we’d not repeat destructive behaviors.

When I reflected on the challenges in my own house and applied some common sense, those statistics became more logical.  The reality is that the older we get, the more we’ve experienced, the more we’re likely to be set in our ways, and the more stress that is likely to come our direction.  By this I mean that with age often comes increased problems.

In my new, second marriage my wife and I have already dealt with the death of a parent, a significant loss of savings via the recession, a severe downturn in one of our professions (real estate), blending our families with my kids, a parent’s serious surgery, two surgeries of our own, moving, one of our dogs sent to doggie prison for attacking another dog, and a teenager.

I believe everyone in life has problems and, as I stated to my wife just yesterday, I wouldn’t switch mine with anyone I know and I’m especially grateful for our family’s present good health.  Health is indeed the greatest wealth, without a doubt.  I’m also extremely grateful for the growth of my new career as a columnist, so I have little to complain about.

But, second marriages are a challenge and ours is no exception.  Thankfully, we’re both able and willing to work on it.  For us, it has meant occasional sessions with a therapist.  For others, it may be clergy that can offer an objective view and unemotional help. 

We’ve also both been willing to read some of the better self-help books.  One we especially found illuminating was “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, which taught us, to our surprise, that we’re different from one another in how we express love and want love expressed in return.  The lessons learned and the realization of what each of our “love languages” is has been helpful, though as with so many things we know, applying them to our actions is harder than reading or hearing about them.

Some people say that marriage is “work.”  While I agree with that to some degree, it’s the amount of “work” that is worth discussion.  If your relationship is constantly fraught with fights and disagreements, non-stop sessions with therapists, and regular on-going tension in the house, then that is just too much “work.” 

On the other hand, if you expect to just slide by without making adjustments in your own behavior and aren’t willing to explore the bigger issues via therapy, clergy, and/or discussion, then you’re not putting in enough “work.”  Like everything in life, there’s a balance and the extremes tend to not work, to beat that word to death.

As passionate as I may be about a particular issue, there’s no question of my culpability in any stressful and meaningful argument or disagreement we have.  And, to my wife’s credit, she says the same thing.  Granted, she’s more emotional than I, but I’m more stubborn.  I believe this is a normal gender balance.  And, let’s face it; making up can be a lot of fun.

I’m going to offer a few suggestions that will help any relationship.  These are ideas I learned, back in my showbiz career, when I attended a weekend seminar put on by the Catholic Church as a prerequisite for getting married in the church.  I was developing a murder mystery, a TV movie; set against the background of such a couple’s retreat and I went undercover with the writer, as an engaged couple. 

Not knowing each other well, we crafted new identities for each other, how we met, when we were getting married, likes and dislikes, etc.  It was actually quite fun and extremely eye opening for us.  Here are some of their valuable suggestions, which apply to first or fifth marriages:

1.      Don’t go to bed angry.

2.      Don’t call each other names.

3.      Let go of old business, old issues.  Debate them, argue them, and let them go.

4.      Hold each other’s hand during an argument to remind each other of your connection and love (not easy).

5.      When you agree to something, whether reluctantly or not, you cannot later say you didn’t agree to it.  In other words, if you give in, you’ve let go of your right to complain later.

I maintain that this short list will enhance any relationship.  Thankfully, I have a loving, willing partner with my wife and I know we’ll work through our issues and have a long, loving, fulfilling marriage. 

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

My Son Has a Girlfriend; Now What Do I Do?

My son has his first girlfriend and I am pleased that he is now old and mature enough to enter the dating stage. I’m excited for him.  In a funny way, I’m re-living vicariously my long-forgotten feelings of first love and all the nervousness, anxiety, and “What am I going to do?” anxieties I felt at his age.  Nonetheless, I need to allow him to have his space, and keep my distance while still making sure that they’re acting appropriately.  But I don’t fully know how much to ask, observe, or try and find out.  Mostly, I think I need to let him discover for himself.

We’ll start with the back-story, a familiar but sweet teen romance and how “we” got to this stage.  I fully believe this is a stage that is nothing less than good, that I’m happy about, and that I didn’t personally experience till after high school.  Clearly, this is one of the reasons for the vicarious feelings.  I slightly envy his maturity and confidence in pursuing this relationship and it also makes me proud of how he’s handled things.

Will is going to be 16 in November.  He’s a good-looking tall boy, at 6’2”, and has dark red wavy hair--the color women spend a fortune trying to duplicate.  And he’s quite a talented musician.  He’s completely into rock and roll, has a band, plays guitar, bass, and drums, and he sings.  When he’s on stage performing, another extremely confident personality emerges and it’s clear that he’s in his element in the world of rock and roll.  It seems that there’s nothing better for becoming a babe magnet than being a musician.

During the middle of this summer, Will was introduced to a new group of boys and girls.  Next thing I knew, he was hanging out with them regularly and he indicated that he liked one particular girl, Gail. Later, he asked for an early birthday present: to go to the Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco.  I said, “Yes,” and next thing I knew I was talking to the mothers of the two girls, including Gail’s mom, about joining us. 

I was surprised that the parents of 15-year-old girls would even consider allowing them to go on such a trip.  The moms, as it turned out, needed less reassurance than I offered, and the next thing I knew, I was chaperoning my son and his two female friends on a three-night trip to San Francisco, two days and nights of which we would be attending a huge music festival.

While I wondered if and when he’d connect with Gail, it ended up happening like a scripted movie, at the very end of our trip.  The kids were asleep on the ride home, in the back seat, with my son in the middle of the two girls. I turned the radio to a sixties channel.  The Beatles’ song, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” came on and I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw Gail,” half asleep, mouthing the words.  Looking downward I saw that they were holding hands.  A smile crept across my face.  A big smile.

Two days later, my son informed me that they’re now “a couple.”  It was solidified, for their generation, when each changed their Facebook status to “in a relationship.”  I guess that’s in lieu of declaring you’re “going steady,” or “wearing a ring around your neck,” as Elvis, declared in my day.

So, I had “the talk” with Will about being responsible in what they do, understanding the different emotions females attach to intimacy, and to completely respect her wishes, treat her like a lady, and otherwise act like a gentleman to Gail, without losing his edge.  It is funny how “lady” and “gentleman” are such unused words these days.  They shouldn’t be.

Making our house a place the kids feel comfortable to hang out and treating his friends, girlfriend or otherwise, well without being in their faces is my current objective.  It largely seems to have been successful, as Will has invited his new girlfriend over for Friday night dinner.  And our home has apparently become the home of choice for his friends, in groups and individually.  I don’t think the fact that I make the best popcorn in town or supply pizzas and sodas when they’re here at dinnertime has anything to do with it, do you?

While I’ve been experiencing some vicarious feelings from my youth, being a father to a son who has begun dating and now has a new girlfriend is completely new to me.  I would like to become a bit better acquainted with this person my son is spending so much time with:  Is Gail a person of character?  Can Will expect from her as much as I hope I have taught him to give in a relationship?   I want Will and Gail to act responsibly with one another.  Yet at the same time, I see the truth in my wife’s suggestion to me:  “Back off, honey.  Let them discover their own way to have a relationship.”

I know my job is done, for now.  If and when he wants to talk to me about any concerns or questions, it’s his choice.  While I’m curious about how he is doing, I intend to just sit back and watch, wait, learn, and listen.  And, if I’ve done a good job as a dad, he’ll be doing the right thing.  I have faith that he will.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

It’s a Tech World, After All

I love technology.  I hate technology.  I get so frustrated with technology.  All of the above.  That’s my generation and definitely me.  My friend Marty is a tech wizard, while my wife is still using computers primarily for e-mail.  I’m somewhat in the middle with my knowledge and depth of tech use and dependence, though my boys laugh at my attempts to learn anything new.  But, it’s hard to resist all we hear about what every new tech gadget has to offer, especially for us men (a.k.a. boys and their toys).

When I get a new tech device, like a digital camera for instance, I am very excited by the purchase and I take it home with pride and eagerness.  I carefully place it on my desk where it usually sits for a week or so until I muster the courage to open the box.  Then, I take out the various parts of the device, and ask for some help to lift out the user manual.  On viewing this lengthy document, in 42 different languages, I sit down discouraged, and place all the pieces and the manual on top of the just opened box, where it will sit for another week or two.  A strong drink will finally give me the courage to start the learning process.

What inevitably follows is that I get stuck somewhere in the process and disgustingly pack all the parts back in the box with the full expectation to return it to CostCo, where I always buy such tech stuff, as they have the most liberal and no-questions-asked return policy.  Usually, some sanity or maybe pride returns and I either figure it out or, embarrassingly, call the help line where I’m put on hold for four days after pressing 257 buttons on the self-help menu, until I finally get to speak to someone with a heavy accent that I don’t understand, in some country in a distant time zone.

Now, all of the above is sort of an exaggeration.  It is usually much worse. LOL (now, I’m testing you). I’m capable of learning new things but these episodes often remind me of a wonderful article I read years ago titled, “Why Can’t They Make It Like a Refrigerator?”  It was about the simplicity of buying and using a fridge compared to the struggles, especially when that article was written so many years ago, with buying and setting up computers.

This is where having kids is finally starting to pay off.  They grew up with technology and it’s not only part of their everyday vocabulary, but it’s an integral part of their lives, possibly in this boomer’s opinion, to a destructive degree.  The notion of playing outside has vanished with my boys, as their play generally revolves around some sort of screen, and there are so many—television, computer, game, cell-phone, etc.  The importance of all their screens has even changed the way we punish our kids, as a therapist once advised me.  They lose screen privileges as the consequence for poor behavior.  The worse the offense, the more screens are prohibited.

My point, however, is that my older son actually can help me now.  The down side is that I have to hear his sigh and subject myself to his disdain at his old man’s complete lack of being “with it.”  They say all things come around, and this is just how I felt and acted when my parents just couldn’t figure out how to program and use their new VCR. 

In all seriousness, I value what technology offers us but I also see a considerable downside.  Our jobs as parents become more difficult when we have to monitor and be aware of all the things that can “attack” our children from these tech sources.  There are programs we can buy that supposedly limit what our kids can find on the Internet as well as simple ways we can check their recent searches.  But, being a policeman in this regard isn’t what I signed up for, but is clearly part of the contemporary job of parenting.  It is equal in importance to being aware of any sort of drinking, smoking, or drug abuse.  I’m fond of saying that all we can do as parents of teens is do our best to keep them alive, until some sort of sanity hopefully returns.

My next challenge is Twitter and learning to tweet.  I’ve been told, along with Facebook, that it’s actually a useful tool to market one’s business.  So, eagerly, I googled, found, and then went to the Twitter website.  Like the unopened box of the new camera, computer, or other tech device I tend to let sit on my desk, I’ve looked at that Twitter tab for days now.  A recent power outage took it away and relieved me of dealing with that one, for now.  Whew. 

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

Male and Female Roles in Our Politically Correct Society

I am more and more troubled by how male and female roles in our society have evolved.  Clearly, I may just not fully understand and accept these changes, but I want to understand for the sake of my boys. I’m trying to teach them to be men, how to treat women, and to prepare my sons for the current social environment and workplace that we live in.  And, frankly, I need to learn and adjust for myself, as this column will show.

I was raised in the fifties and sixties, where men and women had casual conversational fun with each other, both in the work place and out of it.  It was fun and not harassment, to be clear, and included healthy banter and even occasional flirting.  But, today this is forbidden and larger companies have seminars on proper work behavior that, I believe, limits camaraderie and rapport between colleagues.  As communication often is via e-mail, the chances of misunderstandings are only enhanced.

Recently, I sent an e-mail to a female editor of a website that carries my column, asking about a change I’d noticed in how my column was presented.  It happens to be a mom’s website and I’m the only male blogger.  I asked the question about the change and then said, “I am your only man, after all.”  To me, it is true and was completely innocuous.

The reply I got from the editor was a stern missive affirming her status at the website and asking that I stop this unprofessional behavior and flirting.  It reminded me of when Barbara Boxer reprimanded a general in the army, in Congress, for calling her “Ma’am,” instead of “Senator.” Can you imagine a male senator doing the same when called “Sir?” 

I was stunned at the editor’s criticism and immediately sent her an apology for any misunderstanding and said that my intention was solely humorous, and in no way flirtatious.  It was, yet again, a reminder to me of the dangers of e-mail.

She replied, “Apology accepted.”  Now, the fact that she had changed our agreement about how my column was to be presented was minimally addressed as I did not receive any acknowledgment or apology for her breaking our ground rules. Instead, an off-hand remark I made left a bad taste for both of us and I still didn’t get satisfactory resolution to my original question.  I thought proper business etiquette required communication before a change is made to an existing agreement. 

To this editor’s credit, she said she showed my e-mail to several male colleagues who all agreed it was in poor taste.  While I didn’t ask, I wondered how old they were as there’s no doubt that younger men are growing up in a work and social environment whose rules are quite different from when I grew up.  I think we had much more fun and, given that the most of my career was in showbiz, there was certainly plenty of healthy, and innocent flirting that regularly went on and, many times, it resulted in good business dealings.

To be clear, I am not talking about any casting couch sort of behavior as I never experienced it in the form of an actress offering me “special privileges” nor did I ever engage in asking for it.  I was raised to treat women with respect well before sexual harassment handbooks and seminars became important business tools for employers.

I actually experienced some sexual harassment early in my career.  A top female studio executive invited me to her home to “discuss business.”  I was fighting her off the entire evening.  My male bosses at the time thought it was hilarious and that I should have given in for the benefit of the company.  Needless to say, I wasn’t amused so I obviously understand the difference between innocent flirtation and harassment. We often define sexual harassment as a man harassing a woman, but the reverse can be harassing as well.

I am trying to raise Will and David to be men who respect and treat women well.  I expect them to be sensitive without being wimps, and hopefully still possess a twinkle in their eyes, and enjoy engaging the opposite sex. Flirting can be a kick but, of course, it has to be in the right situations. 

I am stuck in my ways and obviously somewhat dense and/or stubborn--as this incident with the editor illustrated. Hereafter, I’m going to be extra careful with all of my future interaction with women.  Frankly, it’s the clichéd point of being better safe than sorry, though I know that some of the interplay I’ve always enjoyed will be diminished.   

Will and David have been taught other behaviors that I believe in, although these behaviors may be somewhat old fashioned.  They know to open and close car doors for their girl friends or any woman or older adult.  My teen knows we expect him to pay for any date that he may go on, though presently he’s doing the contemporary group date thing, so he’s off the hook.  When we went to the recent Outside Lands music festival, he knew even though I did remind him, to look after his two female friends and, because of his height and gender, to take care of them in the crush of the crowds.  They appreciated it and I was proud of his actions.

A friend of mine suggested that my generation might actually have the opportunity to learn from our kids about these kinds of behaviors.  Growing up in a politically correct culture all their lives, they’ve been socialized and taught certain behavior and, like their comfort with technology, it may be second nature to them.  Is it better?  I don’t know.

Still, I think it’s a very confusing time for young boys and men.  Some of the so-called progress that has allowed women to enter otherwise limited areas for them professionally, are clearly welcome.  But, I question all these rules for gender interaction.  Doesn’t it, to some degree, only infantilize women vs. teaching our young women to know proper boundaries and stand up for themselves?  I’d rather any daughter that I had should know when to slap a guy, kick him where it counts, and otherwise not run to a boss or the government.  And, conversely, she should know when it is time to seek intervention by a superior.  What do you think?

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more.  Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years.  Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits).  When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad.  Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State.  Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating.  It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents.  He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications.  The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective.  Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally.  Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.  Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend.  Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.